I don’t want to count the years that have passed, it’s been a few, probably more than a few—more than a decade, could be two or three, but I remember those nights as clearly as if I was still there, sitting in the dark, nothing there, the TV off and no music playing—just me and my thoughts. So easy to get lost in my thoughts, to let them take me places I have never been, places of joy and happiness—right. Those places, places in my dreams—wanted them so badly, needed them so badly, but I was alone, so alone in my room with tears welling and emotions ebbing.
Why? I asked myself the same question over and over again—why?
I could never say the right things, I could never get along with anyone and when I thought things were going great, even fantastic, the rug would always be pulled from under my feet and I would land on my back—hard. It hurt; it hurt so bad that at times I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to lay there, it was too difficult, too many things seemed against me and the worst of the worst is that I knew I was against myself more than anyone else and no matter what I tried, no matter how I tried and tried and tried, it didn’t change. The mistakes kept coming, the repeats, and the sad song played over and over again. I couldn’t turn it off and I couldn’t turn it down. Nothing worked. Relationships came and went, each day brought more to feel ashamed of—I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to face society, my peers or anyone.
It seemed better that way. I hid my feelings with arrogance and pompousness—radiating a lie of self confidence. It made things worse, it made things even harder. Something was wrong with me, I didn’t know what and I didn’t know something was wrong with me. So painful, so miserable, so pathetic—rocking back and forth, knees against my chest, just wondering how I could make things better, how I could change—why, oh why—why, oh why?????
The time has come
I’m letting go now
I put it all behind me and just turn the page.
And I’ll make you believe that it don’t matter
You’ll never see it’s all a charade.
you can’t see tears in the rain
no matter how hard you try
You’ll never see anything
only the rain in my eyes.
You can’t see tears in the rain
Robin Beck – Tears in the Rain
Someone recently asked why I write my blog and why I try to help others. Now you know. I lived life with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder—it’s real, it has consequences, it isn’t easy and it isn’t a joy when you don’t know – when you don’t know what to do or even if there is something you can do. Now I do know, now I know there is something that can be done and I want everyone else to know that too. There is hope, there is life, there are caring people and we can overcome!