Oh, this is great fun! Don’t you think? Living with someone who has ADD or ADHD? Oh, you don’t think so? C’mon it can be fun—yes, it can also be frustrating, weird at times and just plain ridiculous, even scary and sometimes quite sad. But, hey, your life will be anything except boring!
We ADDers can be charming characters; we can excite you, enthrall you and make you believe you are the only person on earth worth being around. And if we are spending all of our time with you, then hey, you’ve got some charm yourself.
I have been married twice. I am happily married to Joan who knows I have ADD and she has found ways to get along with me and my ADD and she has helped me become a better person. I will talk more about our relationship in a moment…
My first wife did not know I have ADD and that’s because I had not yet been diagnosed. My behavior was inexplicable and seemingly inexcusable at times. Even with diagnosis, much ADD behavior is inexcusable, but I have already explained how awareness makes a difference, this article is about relationships with an ADD partner. A relationship needs sugar and spice and everything nice, but a relationship with an ADDer probably has more spice than the rest. We can become bored easily and it takes a dynamic character to keep our attention. This is my experience. Living with me was emotionally devastating for my ex-wife and although our life together had some redeeming qualities, overall it was a building volcano. She deserved better.
I don’t get along well with being told I need to clean this or that. I don’t get along well with being told that the way I am doing it is wrong because it does not conform to some rule. I don’t like to be told I am overdue with doing this or that, even if it is true. I don’t have a problem with those things if I am being paid (incentive), but in a relationship I absolutely abhor it! That’s the thing about being married or befriending an ADDer, other ways must be found to do things together and get things done together, especially things that are tedious and just plain not fun. Criticism towards an ADDer and his or her traits can be disastrous! Beware of this, even constructive criticism can be detrimental. Positive Redirection is far more effective and appreciated.
I do not have all the answers to living with someone who has ADD or ADHD, even ADDers are unique, but I can tell you a bit about what has made my relationship with Joan such a treasure. She is a very well educated woman who has insight that is absolutely remarkable. She knows things I didn’t expect or know myself and is as highly creative as I am, if not more so in some ways. I might have a problem paying attention to certain things, but she doesn’t and she knows how to make a point. She has made some very attention grabbing points while I have been with her just to get my notice and some of them have been so extreme that I just had to shake my head in wonder and yes, sometimes disbelief. She caught on to what makes me tick very early in our relationship and knew right away when I was drifting my attention and she got it back with her own creative, ingenious and sometimes radical ways. Both of us have had to modify such behavior and become better people for each other. It was not easy or even pretty at times, but it was certainly worth it.
Before I was diagnosed with ADD Joan would start something, washing dishes, clean or create something and ask me if I would help her. A simple request and somehow in her own way she would make the chore exciting and not a chore. We have laughed, we have cried and we have held each other in moments of discouragement. The key is we are there for each other even when the chips are down or if everything is going our way. Commitment is the key, understanding is the key, love is the key and accepting the truth is key. There is no single answer for making a relationship with an ADDer successful, but one thing I can say for sure is that compassion, understanding, being inventive and seeking help are things which have a positive influence. It’s not a one way street, both partners must make efforts. I read a lot about how to get along with an ADD ADHD partner and sincerely, ADDers must take steps to get along as well. Being stubborn and refusing to recognize the reality of a situation can not only be detrimental, it is foolish. ADD ADHD is a reason, which can be improved through awareness, but using ADD ADHD as an excuse is inexcusable!
Relationships are about love, connection and communication. Some relationships just don’t work out and we can blame them on whatever we want, but if two people are not meant to be together then any kind of idea or suggestion could just prolong the inevitable. However, using ADD or ADHD as an excuse, really is just an excuse to continue certain innate habits without any effort of adjustments, because, knowing ADD or ADHD is a reason, a valid reason, which can be improved upon, gives us opportunity and the ability to improve. Yes, we can improve—maybe we can’t fully change and there is no cure, but I truly believe that when there is a will, there is a way–I have been through the horror, I have felt and lived the pain and my partners, family and friends have felt it too. There is such a saying as meeting halfway and that’s what we have to do, learn about ourselves, learn as much as possible about ADD ADHD and seek the help we need and strive to be better. Most of this goes for everyone, not only us ADDers. I truly believe that when you are with the right person and the desire is strong enough, all excuses go out the window and ways suddenly are found to work on improvement and new, positive habits. That’s something which is unique to ADD ADHD above most other disorders, a mental effort through support groups, ADD ADHD education, therapy and a host of other supportive measures can be employed. Most partners will help, if the ADDer is willing to help him or herself too, it is a matter of love and companionship and togetherness.
I know all about struggle, I have been down, I have been severely degraded, I have been chastised and ridiculed and misunderstood and I have been stubborn to a fault, and so yes, I know how difficult it is to change, but it is of the utmost importance to put the effort forth to try. The effort to try can be everything! Awareness and acceptance is imperative. Learn all that you can. Nagging, complaining and just being upset all the time will destroy any relationship in the long run and sometimes in the short run.
The crazy thing about having ADD or ADHD for some strange reason, the partners of ADDers get a lot of criticism too. Such as—why don’t you change him or her? Why do you allow him to do that? Why do you stay? Can’t you do better? You are at fault, he or she wasn’t like that before you came along (maybe traits weren’t as noticable)… and the list goes on and on and on, sometimes this part of the relationship can be just as difficult or more so.
It is not easy to be married to an ADDer, but it can certainly be worth it. Joan doesn’t like flying and I don’t really like heights, but that did not stop our love from whisking us away on a trip to Vegas to get married! The point is, it took our personal efforts and love and caring and understanding to get us there. The middle info might not be the stuff of stories and celebration, but it is there and helped us become who we are–together.
There are valid reasons and there are excuses, it’s important to understand and realize the difference and that’s what really builds a relationship between any two people, in my humble opinion.
~Bryan
~~
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Dana W. posted the following on February 22, 2008 at 11:52 pm.
I think I found a goldmind! Thank you! Your blog is UNBELIEVABLY creative and informative! I am going to share this with my 15 year old, ADHD son. (who is also learning disabled, mostly reading/language) I also have an ADHD (& dyslexic) husband who I hope with get help with me soon. (he is not formally diagnosed yet and is 43 years old) I am new in college (I am 41 & disabled) and need to interview an ADHD expert for my research paper. PLEASE say yes! (you have my email, I hope) I know you must be very busy ….I will wait your reply by email. Sorry that I asked you this way…Again, thanks for your WONDERFUL blog! BTW, your wife is very pretty and endearing. :0)
Dolly posted the following on February 11, 2010 at 6:56 pm.
Bryan, I am so glad to have found your story. I need some serious help in dealing with my ADD husband. Is there a more private place where I can ask you some questions? Thank you so much!
Bryan posted the following on February 23, 2008 at 12:01 pm.
Thank you Dana! Very nice comment. I will send you an email later today and you can ask me the questions you have, but I am just someone who has ‘been there and done that’ for the most part. I am not a doctor or therapist. I write about my life’s experiences and my thoughts.
Arieh posted the following on February 24, 2008 at 12:43 am.
I live with my ADHD wife, she is undiagnosed, but because of our ADHD son, we know what’s going on in her genes (her father is ADHD also, as we understand now).
She doesn’t close any cap on any bottle, sometime she just puts a cap on a pack or a bottle without to turn it. So I learned the hard way NOT to take anything in the kitchen by a cap – only by the bottle’s body. Once a day I just make a cap-closing tour in the kitchen.
She doesn’t put back on its place anything. So, after some time all kitchen’s surfaces full of packs, bottles, dishes, cups etc.
I like everything to have its place and naturally like to put everything back and dishes into washing place. But I hate to do the dishes, to wash. This way we cooperate – she is happy that I collect and organize everything. I am happy that she does the dishes.
She doesn’t remember where she puts her glasses. But I know ALL possible places and if she is in a hurry, I just check ALL these places and find the glasses!
It was a LONG TIME AGO, when I last time complained on all above! I just found my tricks how to survive with her.
I hope I entertained you, dear readers, but it was our personal kitchen hell some years ago.
Kim posted the following on February 27, 2008 at 12:45 am.
Arieh,
This is my husband and daughter. I will knock myself out with all of the cabinet doors left open!
I have ADD also but am far more meticulous when it come to these things.
Your “kitchen hell” did give me a laugh and a reason to smile when I bump my head yet again!
thanks
Kim
Arieh posted the following on February 29, 2008 at 3:12 pm.
Kim,
thanks for your comment. How can I forget the kitchen’s towel? She drops it from her shoulder where she is standing at this very moment, for example near a bookshelf in the living room. Because she is taking a book now.
How can I find this ********** kitchen’s towel? After saying the magic words I am going to take a new towel for the kitchen. Sometimes we end with 2-3 different towels in the kitchen.
tim jardon posted the following on November 24, 2008 at 12:50 pm.
thank you guys for telling you remarkable story. i have been dating a woman for 9 months now, who has the most beautiful inner light of anyone ive ever seen she is a 6th/7th and 8th grade teacher (just imagine) her stress at work. we are engaged to be married althought we have fallen on some very arguementative time as of late. we both still say we love each other and are now going to counselling. i am now opening up to learn about how to deal with and live with an A.D.D. partner. she is and always will be the light of my life. i hope we both have the dedication you guys have to one another to carry each other thru. you have been an inspiration thank you sincereley ………..tim
Jane posted the following on January 4, 2009 at 1:36 am.
I got such a kick out of the kitchen tour, Arieh! We are 2 ADHD/2 “normal” family and could use some positive examples of adaptive positive coexistence. It can be much worse than spilt milk, though. Tonight I was rushing off to the pharmacy and first tried getting into the wrong car in our dark driveway, got wise and climbed into my own, only to forget all about the first one, (my daughter’s) and back right into it! Did the same thing to my husband’s car a few years back. And they wonder why I keep wanting to move to a house on the bus line! (Not that reading a bus schedule comes easily to an ADDer – yikes!) These careless mistakes can happen at any time, but stress has a whole lot to do with it.
Tiffany posted the following on January 22, 2009 at 4:15 pm.
My boyfriend of almost 4 years has ADHD and Bipolar disorder. I’ve realized after having our son 4 months ago, that I’m wayy too impatient with him. He always “messes” things up and blames it on whatever disorder he feels like blaming it on all the time. Like a little more than a year ago, he cheated on me with the neighbor, who might i add, tried her hardest to be my best friend to get with Matt. I dont know how, or why, but in the twisted situation, we got back together and well, he lost his job, a very well paying job… and it’s been nothing but pizzeria’s since. We lost our apartment, moved in with my parents, we had the baby and we’re homeless now, living with a family friend and the other day, he used my cell phone to check something under the hood, and well, he left my phone under the hood, and it fell out of the car and to make a long story short, my phone is gone. Obviously, he’s not going to buy me one, I do. Even though he’s the one who lost it. He’ll ask me out to a date, but I have to pay for it. We love eachother unconditionally, but lately it seems like we are fighting a lot more and i dont know how to get him to admit that HE’s the one that he should blame his problems on, and not his adhd or his bipolar disorder. I jsut don’t know how to get our problem to just go away.
stephen lossnitzer posted the following on June 23, 2009 at 10:57 pm.
Im 31 i have ADD and im really struggling with it i find it hard to read paper work get very stress at even the thought of having to fill a form my consentration is nearly nothing i find myself walking into a rooms and forgeting why ive even gone in there everything seems to take me forever my girlfriend just seems to get angry with me for ignoring her when i really cant hear her until she shouts at me but by then it causes massive arguements how can i get past this with out losing her and my 2 children ?
Bryan posted the following on June 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm.
Have you thought of counseling Steve? I think you may find help with a good therapist who understands couples and issues concerning ADD. Another important aspect is to take her side for a moment, put yourself in her situation with concern for being with you – what would you want from you or, better yet, need? Let her know that you understand and sympathize, show her that you are willing to seek up. Sometimes it is important for the other person to know you realize the issues and want to improve, but, even so, it is important to take those steps so that your words are backed up by your actions. You want to, that’s important, so the next step is to make those calls, find a therapist and make an appointment.
I hope this helps, I know it is not easy, but, you already know that and you also know it is worth it!
Jonathan Sibley posted the following on June 25, 2009 at 2:49 am.
I agree with Bryan that a good couples therapist might be helpful for Stephen and his girlfriend.
When there are significant differences between partners (and the behaviors associated with ADHD can be significantly different from those of a partner without ADHD), we are often ill-equipped to communicate with each other about these differences and the feelings that come up. I can also suggest Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight” as an introduction to the ways of looking at and addressing communication problems through the lens of an incredibly effective form of couples therapy – Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Also, Steven Reiss, a psychologist, has found 16 basic motivations which vary among us (some are stronger, others are weaker). Reiss argues that we have a natural tendency to assume that each of our motivations is “correct” and that those who have weak motivations where ours are strong and vice-versa are wrong rather than just different.
One of the motivations Reiss found is “order”. I don’t think it has been researched yet, but I will guess that “order” is not a strong motivational factor among those with ADHD and ADHD-like traits.
Rachael posted the following on February 12, 2010 at 12:39 am.
My partner has ADHD and though i love his energy, quick wit and creativity i find it difficult to deal with our disagreements. When a problem occurs he may be silent for hours, choosing to remove himself from the situation when he flares. This hurts me and is frustrating if it is a simple misunderstanding, which would otherwise have been quickly resolved.
He is not untidy or disorganised (which im thankful for as i am!) but he puts me on edge with his impulsivness whenever there’s an opportunity for him to climb, jump or take any kind of physical risk.
I know i can’t change these things and it isn’t constructive to highlight any fault on his part. Is there any worth in discussing this with him or should i find my own strategies to chill out and find ways to cope in order to improve what is an amazing relationship?
Bryan Hutchinson posted the following on February 12, 2010 at 1:28 am.
Rachael, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I think it is very important for communication. In my upcoming book I tell how Joan discovered a GREAT approach to discussing things of concern with me. It’s important, I think, for your partner to understand your concerns and take them just as serious as his own. The approach is what’s most important. Remember, though, honey attracts more than just bees’ attention
aj posted the following on May 5, 2010 at 11:23 am.
i have jus fallen i love with someone who brighentens up my day because of his unique qualties as a person and a certian label adhd. i can say for sure life will never be boring. i have read the comments to Bryan’s blog and i will continue to read about adhd as i want to understand him better. although tired at times his adhd is more of a blessing than anything else coz he would not be him without it. he nearly took his life twice two months before we got together. because of his isolation and past relationships hurting him (even now he takes 50mg of antidepressants), but i will spend every moment of the day reminding him how great he is and normality sucks his world is way more fun and im more than happy to be included in it as a world without him is a very boring and sad place. regards a very happy abbie (ba- sociology and supprort worker for childern with learning dis from essex england)
Caitlin posted the following on June 10, 2010 at 11:41 am.
Wow this is amazing, Dolly and Rachael – if you feel like i wouldn’t mind talking with you via email woods.cp@homail.com
I’m in a relationship with anADHD man, for so long i was so confused byhis behaviour and the way it made me feel, but the more i read (about ADHD) the more comfortable i feel
I guess i’m quite a sensitive person, and his behaviour towards me occasionally has blown me away – exceeding all my knight-in-shining-armour dreams – but very very often has made me so distressed, so sad, SO confused!
He’s 30 and by now he knows pretty much how to manage himelf to keep himself calm, but mostly it involes not sharing, and not engaging or interacting too much. For so long i felt i justwasn’t good enough, that nothing i did was interesting or appealing enough, and that i wasn’t attractive enough, as to why i felt no recognition from my boyfriend. (even though in my rational mind i know this isn’t the case). I find it very hard to keep my rationality in control of my emotions with him – especially when we used to fight, now we just avoid fighting. I don’t want to end the relationship because god knows i adore him, and god knows i’ve tried so hard, even if i couldn’t findthe right ways, to establish a more connected relationhip with him, and i believe with time, trust and familarity that will come. But by now all my family and friends know how much tumoil i’ve been through, and of course i value them just as much. I wish there was an easy way to explainad justify it to them.
I guess the hardest thing i’ve had to deal with is his criticism of ME. small honest mistakes attract reactions which seem very unreasonable and are VERY hurtful. he’s insulted me in many ways (for things that neither I nor anyone else ever thought would be problems) i found it so hard to regain my self esteem.
Sometimes it feels like we’re two Escher pictures, in black and white, butperfectly inverse of each other
Really appreciated reading this story Brian
Thanks and regards
Caitlin
bree posted the following on July 28, 2010 at 4:04 pm.
i just got married five months ago to a 31 year old man who has sever adhd. i love him with all my heart and want to be with him but its gotten to the point where i can’t handel all the drama and chaos anymore. i moved in with my parents for several reasons but the main one is i’ve went down to his childish level. i over look that i know he will never finish any task in the house like cleaning, picking up after him self, or remembering to pack his lunch for work. i have copies of every key he has because he looses them and that he never remembers to lock the door, that’s all ok. he always asks me where things are befor he even looks for them so i made it my job to know where he usually puts all his important things like his shoes or check book. but the lying, saying inappropriate, disrespectful, and rude things to me and other people, ungrateful and “i’m better than everyone else” attitude, talking non-stop and telling everyone his one-sided stories that usually glorify himself; he insist on being the head of the house hold but is running us in to dept because of impuslive spending and not keeping up with our budget. he cant keep a job and reciently has gotten fired twice in the last two months for not finishing jobs and insulting his co-workers and customers. the list goes on and on and he’s even become abusive. i can’t take it, i’m only human! i really don’t believe in divorce but it’s already heading down that road. i feel sorry for him because his addopted mother enables his behavior. do you think medication will help him??
Bryan Hutchinson posted the following on July 31, 2010 at 7:33 am.
Hi Bree,
I am sorry to hear about your situation and, unfortunately, it’s not that uncommon. He’s very lucky to have you and unlucky to lose you, but then again, luck has nothing to do with that. I can’t tell you if medication will help him; however, I can tell you that medication is helping so many already. What he really needs first is help, professional help for ADHD. I am sure he has many issues you don’t even know about and he might not even understand them himself. Try to suggest seeking out a specialist to treat his ADHD and any co morbid he might have. Untreated ADHD can be devastating to relationships, if he is not willing to get help or recognize that he does indeed need help, it might be time to look out for #1.
Erin posted the following on March 5, 2011 at 5:28 pm.
Very nice of you to post this, Bryan. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a little under 2 years. He moved in with me about a year ago. It started out a long distance relationship and I didn’t see any problems with the fact he has ADHD. Recently it has been becoming issues with me asking him to do things and he “forgets” or just doesn’t do it because he doesn’t “understand why it should have to be done”(he says) He does take on the childish “I’m not doing it because you didn’t” level similar to what Bree mentioned. I have suggested he go see a doctor and maybe get on some medications but he says he has no interest. I would like him to get help but he won’t instead I’m trying to find ways to cope with it..even tho I think he should too for himself.
Marie posted the following on March 7, 2011 at 1:18 pm.
My partner has ADHD. Our biggest battle is when she responds without thinking and the response is usually blunt and she does not think about how it might come out of her mouth. Typically it’s not very nice but she does not mean for it to sound that way. So, when I bring it up she doesn’t even realize it. HELP! PLEASE!
"One Boy’s Struggle is a real eye-opener. It should be read by all parents struggling to understand how best to support their ADHD children. Adults with ADHD will likely find validation and new hope from reading Bryan’s story.” ~Dr. Edward Hallowell
CHADD Educator of the Year for 2010, Dr. Katherine Nell Mcneil, "Highly recommends" One Boy’s Struggle
“A very brave and moving memoir.” Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Katherine Ellison, author of 'Buzz'.
"Gripping account of both the struggles and positive polarities of ADD written beautifully in a honest, open and courageous manner." David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D.
"Anyone with ADD or with friends, loved ones or colleagues with ADD will be informed and touched by Bryan’s book." Bryan Robinson Ph.D. author of 'The Art of Confident Living'
Thank you!
It is an honor to have written a book that is meaning so much and benefiting so many. It is my hope that one day ‘One Boy’s Struggle: A Memoir’ will be read by every teacher and parent, as well as read by every adult with ADHD. If you own a copy and have read it, please consider passing it on, loan it out to friends, a support group or donating it to your local library.
All material provided within this website is opinion only, and is not to be construed as medical advice, instruction or direction of any kind. No action should be taken solely on the contents of this website. Visit a health care professional before making any decisions about your health.
What a beautiful couple!!! And beautiful words from both of you!
Thank you for offering this to the world.
Happy 2008!
Gina
Reply to Gina PeraI think I found a goldmind! Thank you! Your blog is UNBELIEVABLY creative and informative! I am going to share this with my 15 year old, ADHD son. (who is also learning disabled, mostly reading/language) I also have an ADHD (& dyslexic) husband who I hope with get help with me soon. (he is not formally diagnosed yet and is 43 years old) I am new in college (I am 41 & disabled) and need to interview an ADHD expert for my research paper. PLEASE say yes! (you have my email, I hope) I know you must be very busy ….I will wait your reply by email. Sorry that I asked you this way…Again, thanks for your WONDERFUL blog! BTW, your wife is very pretty and endearing. :0)
Dana W.
Reply to Dana W.Bryan, I am so glad to have found your story. I need some serious help in dealing with my ADD husband. Is there a more private place where I can ask you some questions? Thank you so much!
Reply to DollyHi Dolly,
You can send me a private message on the ADDer World Social Network http://www.adderworld.ning.com I am glad you are enjoying the blog
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThank you Dana! Very nice comment. I will send you an email later today and you can ask me the questions you have, but I am just someone who has ‘been there and done that’ for the most part. I am not a doctor or therapist. I write about my life’s experiences and my thoughts.
Yep, Joan is a beauty! I agree!
Reply to BryanI live with my ADHD wife, she is undiagnosed, but because of our ADHD son, we know what’s going on in her genes (her father is ADHD also, as we understand now).
She doesn’t close any cap on any bottle, sometime she just puts a cap on a pack or a bottle without to turn it. So I learned the hard way NOT to take anything in the kitchen by a cap – only by the bottle’s body. Once a day I just make a cap-closing tour in the kitchen.
She doesn’t put back on its place anything. So, after some time all kitchen’s surfaces full of packs, bottles, dishes, cups etc.
I like everything to have its place and naturally like to put everything back and dishes into washing place. But I hate to do the dishes, to wash. This way we cooperate – she is happy that I collect and organize everything. I am happy that she does the dishes.
She doesn’t remember where she puts her glasses. But I know ALL possible places and if she is in a hurry, I just check ALL these places and find the glasses!
It was a LONG TIME AGO, when I last time complained on all above! I just found my tricks how to survive with her.
I hope I entertained you, dear readers, but it was our personal kitchen hell some years ago.
Arieh
Reply to AriehArieh,
Reply to KimThis is my husband and daughter. I will knock myself out with all of the cabinet doors left open!
I have ADD also but am far more meticulous when it come to these things.
Your “kitchen hell” did give me a laugh and a reason to smile when I bump my head yet again!
thanks
Kim
Kim,
thanks for your comment. How can I forget the kitchen’s towel? She drops it from her shoulder where she is standing at this very moment, for example near a bookshelf in the living room. Because she is taking a book now.
How can I find this ********** kitchen’s towel? After saying the magic words I am going to take a new towel for the kitchen. Sometimes we end with 2-3 different towels in the kitchen.
Arieh
Reply to AriehCrawlingClub.org
What better than an image of a rollercoaster do represent an ADHD relationship. Never booring.
Reply to Pontusthank you guys for telling you remarkable story. i have been dating a woman for 9 months now, who has the most beautiful inner light of anyone ive ever seen she is a 6th/7th and 8th grade teacher (just imagine) her stress at work. we are engaged to be married althought we have fallen on some very arguementative time as of late. we both still say we love each other and are now going to counselling. i am now opening up to learn about how to deal with and live with an A.D.D. partner. she is and always will be the light of my life. i hope we both have the dedication you guys have to one another to carry each other thru. you have been an inspiration thank you sincereley ………..tim
Reply to tim jardonI got such a kick out of the kitchen tour, Arieh! We are 2 ADHD/2 “normal” family and could use some positive examples of adaptive positive coexistence. It can be much worse than spilt milk, though. Tonight I was rushing off to the pharmacy and first tried getting into the wrong car in our dark driveway, got wise and climbed into my own, only to forget all about the first one, (my daughter’s) and back right into it! Did the same thing to my husband’s car a few years back. And they wonder why I keep wanting to move to a house on the bus line! (Not that reading a bus schedule comes easily to an ADDer – yikes!) These careless mistakes can happen at any time, but stress has a whole lot to do with it.
Reply to JaneMy boyfriend of almost 4 years has ADHD and Bipolar disorder. I’ve realized after having our son 4 months ago, that I’m wayy too impatient with him. He always “messes” things up and blames it on whatever disorder he feels like blaming it on all the time. Like a little more than a year ago, he cheated on me with the neighbor, who might i add, tried her hardest to be my best friend to get with Matt. I dont know how, or why, but in the twisted situation, we got back together and well, he lost his job, a very well paying job… and it’s been nothing but pizzeria’s since. We lost our apartment, moved in with my parents, we had the baby and we’re homeless now, living with a family friend and the other day, he used my cell phone to check something under the hood, and well, he left my phone under the hood, and it fell out of the car and to make a long story short, my phone is gone. Obviously, he’s not going to buy me one, I do. Even though he’s the one who lost it. He’ll ask me out to a date, but I have to pay for it. We love eachother unconditionally, but lately it seems like we are fighting a lot more and i dont know how to get him to admit that HE’s the one that he should blame his problems on, and not his adhd or his bipolar disorder. I jsut don’t know how to get our problem to just go away.
Reply to TiffanyIm 31 i have ADD and im really struggling with it i find it hard to read paper work get very stress at even the thought of having to fill a form my consentration is nearly nothing i find myself walking into a rooms and forgeting why ive even gone in there everything seems to take me forever my girlfriend just seems to get angry with me for ignoring her when i really cant hear her until she shouts at me but by then it causes massive arguements how can i get past this with out losing her and my 2 children ?
Reply to stephen lossnitzerHave you thought of counseling Steve? I think you may find help with a good therapist who understands couples and issues concerning ADD. Another important aspect is to take her side for a moment, put yourself in her situation with concern for being with you – what would you want from you or, better yet, need? Let her know that you understand and sympathize, show her that you are willing to seek up. Sometimes it is important for the other person to know you realize the issues and want to improve, but, even so, it is important to take those steps so that your words are backed up by your actions. You want to, that’s important, so the next step is to make those calls, find a therapist and make an appointment.
I hope this helps, I know it is not easy, but, you already know that and you also know it is worth it!
Bryan
Reply to BryanI agree with Bryan that a good couples therapist might be helpful for Stephen and his girlfriend.
When there are significant differences between partners (and the behaviors associated with ADHD can be significantly different from those of a partner without ADHD), we are often ill-equipped to communicate with each other about these differences and the feelings that come up. I can also suggest Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight” as an introduction to the ways of looking at and addressing communication problems through the lens of an incredibly effective form of couples therapy – Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Also, Steven Reiss, a psychologist, has found 16 basic motivations which vary among us (some are stronger, others are weaker). Reiss argues that we have a natural tendency to assume that each of our motivations is “correct” and that those who have weak motivations where ours are strong and vice-versa are wrong rather than just different.
One of the motivations Reiss found is “order”. I don’t think it has been researched yet, but I will guess that “order” is not a strong motivational factor among those with ADHD and ADHD-like traits.
Jonathan Sibley
Reply to Jonathan SibleyMy partner has ADHD and though i love his energy, quick wit and creativity i find it difficult to deal with our disagreements. When a problem occurs he may be silent for hours, choosing to remove himself from the situation when he flares. This hurts me and is frustrating if it is a simple misunderstanding, which would otherwise have been quickly resolved.
He is not untidy or disorganised (which im thankful for as i am!) but he puts me on edge with his impulsivness whenever there’s an opportunity for him to climb, jump or take any kind of physical risk.
I know i can’t change these things and it isn’t constructive to highlight any fault on his part. Is there any worth in discussing this with him or should i find my own strategies to chill out and find ways to cope in order to improve what is an amazing relationship?
Reply to RachaelRachael, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I think it is very important for communication. In my upcoming book I tell how Joan discovered a GREAT approach to discussing things of concern with me. It’s important, I think, for your partner to understand your concerns and take them just as serious as his own. The approach is what’s most important. Remember, though, honey attracts more than just bees’ attention
Bryan
Reply to Bryan Hutchinsoni have jus fallen i love with someone who brighentens up my day because of his unique qualties as a person and a certian label adhd. i can say for sure life will never be boring. i have read the comments to Bryan’s blog and i will continue to read about adhd as i want to understand him better. although tired at times his adhd is more of a blessing than anything else coz he would not be him without it. he nearly took his life twice two months before we got together. because of his isolation and past relationships hurting him (even now he takes 50mg of antidepressants), but i will spend every moment of the day reminding him how great he is and normality sucks his world is way more fun and im more than happy to be included in it as a world without him is a very boring and sad place. regards a very happy abbie (ba- sociology and supprort worker for childern with learning dis from essex england)
Reply to ajp.s sorry for the spelling jus read it over lol, im dislexic or however you spell it, me and dan make a right pair lol (abbie-jane 20 essex england)
Reply to ajWow this is amazing, Dolly and Rachael – if you feel like i wouldn’t mind talking with you via email
Reply to Caitlinwoods.cp@homail.com
I’m in a relationship with anADHD man, for so long i was so confused byhis behaviour and the way it made me feel, but the more i read (about ADHD) the more comfortable i feel
I guess i’m quite a sensitive person, and his behaviour towards me occasionally has blown me away – exceeding all my knight-in-shining-armour dreams – but very very often has made me so distressed, so sad, SO confused!
He’s 30 and by now he knows pretty much how to manage himelf to keep himself calm, but mostly it involes not sharing, and not engaging or interacting too much. For so long i felt i justwasn’t good enough, that nothing i did was interesting or appealing enough, and that i wasn’t attractive enough, as to why i felt no recognition from my boyfriend. (even though in my rational mind i know this isn’t the case). I find it very hard to keep my rationality in control of my emotions with him – especially when we used to fight, now we just avoid fighting. I don’t want to end the relationship because god knows i adore him, and god knows i’ve tried so hard, even if i couldn’t findthe right ways, to establish a more connected relationhip with him, and i believe with time, trust and familarity that will come. But by now all my family and friends know how much tumoil i’ve been through, and of course i value them just as much. I wish there was an easy way to explainad justify it to them.
I guess the hardest thing i’ve had to deal with is his criticism of ME. small honest mistakes attract reactions which seem very unreasonable and are VERY hurtful. he’s insulted me in many ways (for things that neither I nor anyone else ever thought would be problems) i found it so hard to regain my self esteem.
Sometimes it feels like we’re two Escher pictures, in black and white, butperfectly inverse of each other
Really appreciated reading this story Brian
Thanks and regards
Caitlin
i just got married five months ago to a 31 year old man who has sever adhd. i love him with all my heart and want to be with him but its gotten to the point where i can’t handel all the drama and chaos anymore. i moved in with my parents for several reasons but the main one is i’ve went down to his childish level. i over look that i know he will never finish any task in the house like cleaning, picking up after him self, or remembering to pack his lunch for work. i have copies of every key he has because he looses them and that he never remembers to lock the door, that’s all ok. he always asks me where things are befor he even looks for them so i made it my job to know where he usually puts all his important things like his shoes or check book. but the lying, saying inappropriate, disrespectful, and rude things to me and other people, ungrateful and “i’m better than everyone else” attitude, talking non-stop and telling everyone his one-sided stories that usually glorify himself; he insist on being the head of the house hold but is running us in to dept because of impuslive spending and not keeping up with our budget. he cant keep a job and reciently has gotten fired twice in the last two months for not finishing jobs and insulting his co-workers and customers. the list goes on and on and he’s even become abusive. i can’t take it, i’m only human! i really don’t believe in divorce but it’s already heading down that road. i feel sorry for him because his addopted mother enables his behavior. do you think medication will help him??
Reply to breeHi Bree,
I am sorry to hear about your situation and, unfortunately, it’s not that uncommon. He’s very lucky to have you and unlucky to lose you, but then again, luck has nothing to do with that. I can’t tell you if medication will help him; however, I can tell you that medication is helping so many already. What he really needs first is help, professional help for ADHD. I am sure he has many issues you don’t even know about and he might not even understand them himself. Try to suggest seeking out a specialist to treat his ADHD and any co morbid he might have. Untreated ADHD can be devastating to relationships, if he is not willing to get help or recognize that he does indeed need help, it might be time to look out for #1.
Bests,
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonVery nice of you to post this, Bryan. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a little under 2 years. He moved in with me about a year ago. It started out a long distance relationship and I didn’t see any problems with the fact he has ADHD. Recently it has been becoming issues with me asking him to do things and he “forgets” or just doesn’t do it because he doesn’t “understand why it should have to be done”(he says) He does take on the childish “I’m not doing it because you didn’t” level similar to what Bree mentioned. I have suggested he go see a doctor and maybe get on some medications but he says he has no interest. I would like him to get help but he won’t instead I’m trying to find ways to cope with it..even tho I think he should too for himself.
Reply to ErinMy partner has ADHD. Our biggest battle is when she responds without thinking and the response is usually blunt and she does not think about how it might come out of her mouth. Typically it’s not very nice but she does not mean for it to sound that way. So, when I bring it up she doesn’t even realize it. HELP! PLEASE!
Reply to Marie