Chew, taste and enjoy.
That’s easy to say, but some relationships with ADDers get off to such an exciting start it takes a major act of will power to stop and smell the flowers every once in a while. If a relationship with an ADDer is to be healthy and last, smelling the flowers might be the most important thing a couple can do for each other, especially at the beginning.
Fear of failure and fear of revealing too much can be a motivational factor for an ADDer to not slow down and keep the hot fires roaring just to avoid giving anything of his or her real self. And yet we wonder why in the world relationships don’t work and why they keep ending without substance.
The truth is simple, no matter how exciting and exhilarating the initial relationship is, we eventually will have to take time to get to know the other person and the other person will have to be allowed to get to know us. It doesn’t have to be all at once and it doesn’t have to be in a way that brings about dissatisfaction, rejection and embarrassment. Why do we do that to ourselves? We do it to avoid dissatisfaction, rejection and embarrassment—funny? Not really. We bring about exactly what we are trying to avoid by fearfully avoiding it.
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No, you’re not going to give everything away on the first date, but one thing ADDers tend to do is avoid asking too many questions and the thought is, well, if I don’t ask too many questions, not many will be asked of me – it’s the Keep It Simple method.
If you do not ask questions, you will seem superficial. Curiosity is normal, people are nosey and it is expected. Interrogation is not what I mean. What I mean is instead of running off to the next show, the next dinner, and the next exciting thing that you expect to keep the other person interested, slow it down. Take a walk and ask a few personal questions. Ask about their favorite TV show or Movie to start and then slowly, date by date ask more personal questions and allow yourself to be asked the same questions. Being guarded isn’t noble and it isn’t sexy and smart. The more guarded you are, just means the more explaining you will have to do when the relationship turns serious. Remember, if the person really digs you, he or she isn’t going to run away when you reveal that you shot a teacher with a wad of paper back in 6th grade and that you raced around the classroom with your shirt over your head because your ADD ADHD got the better of you. I am not saying I did that! Make it fun while you reveal these little secrets and explain yourself along the way in ways that are not too surprising and is interesting. People respect honesty and sincerity.
Your fears and hang-ups are not necessarily someone else’s, just because you think a particular person will have a problem with certain information doesn’t make it so. We have to take risks and if the person really is interested the risk isn’t a risk at all, but rather a necessity. I don’t mean to blurt everything out all at once in a scary frantic way, but rather in a slow, deliberate and methodical way. First base, second base, third base and so on, it all works the same, but when you deliberately hide things, well problems will eventually arise which may become irreparable, even if the relationship lasts.
Slow down, chew, taste and enjoy.
~Bryan
