Email from A Woman of Great Stature and Fame

I wish you had shared that email from the woman that you got today. I am a woman who has been diagnosed with ADD along with having several other mental health diagnoses and other disabilities. I “read” the computer screen with special software that converts printed text into speech using a synthesized “voice”. I do this because I am blind.
Lke many others, I co-existing mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder, various kinds of anxiety disorders, mild hearing loss, mild cerebral palsy and am a survivor of numerous kinds of physical, sexual, ritualistic, mental and emotional abuse.
I am also a musician, a craftsperson, an author, a strong Christian and, probably most important, a loving friend.
I have a high IQ (I was told it was the highest of any blind person in the state) and I had the highest grades in college, highest grades on graduate school comprehensive exams, and received numerous scholarships and awards deppite the fact that I hated high school and made less than wonderful grades. When I was little, I was sent to a school for the mentally retarded because a social worker told my mother that I would always be retarded and needed to be permanently institutionalized. I didn’t walk till age four. So what happened and why am I writing this?
First, while in the school I was sent to, I heard a blind woman reading stories to us. She was reading in Braille and she let us touch the books. I memorized the stories and learned Braille by touching the storybooks and memorizing the words, immersing myself in them as one would immerse themselves in a language. In fact, living in Germany at the time, I was equally fluent in German and English and since then have acquired additional language skills because I love languages. I am a good teacher, as evidenced by the success of my music students, the continual popularity of the elective music classes, particularly the guitar lessons, that I have taught at a school for three years. Yet . . . I struggle. I have to take a lot of medications for different things. I can hyperfocus on things I enjoy. I care about other people. But . . . I struggle constantly with depression, despair and hopelessness that is darker than any physical darkness I experience. While I am often frenetically and singlemindedly engaged in and focused on a project and worked best under pressure when doing work I enjoy, I can crash and burn when the letdown after success begins. I see myself in much that is written here and recognize that I probably had ADD as a child. Research is showing that ADD is indeed present in girls much more than was previously thought because it often manifests differently in girls and women. Girls considered quiet, shy, dreamy, flighty, may be exhibiting symptoms of ADD. I have read of this, but have only heard of one or two womean who have ADD and don’t know of any personally, and certainly none who share many of my situations. I feel so alone. I am in a down time between projects and though I am looking forward to some and terrified that I might self-sabotage on one because I want so much for it to work out, I am at a low point, though, don’t worry, I’m not suicidal or homicidal and don’t need to be committed to a psychiatric facility as has sometimes been the case in the past.
So, now that I’ve opened my heart and shown myself to be vulnerable, though I may get no positive response, as has been the case on some forums, I write anyway, not just hoping to connect, though that is one side benefit I’d like, but hoping to tell others who may be facing similar dilemmas, other women with ADD who may have other conditions that confuse the issue, who are afraid to speak out because they have been misunderstood in the past and fear ridicule, that they are not alone and that if they are in a serious down time, things can turn around and get better. For every Paris Hilton, for every Michael Phelps, there are many of us who may never make the front page of a newspaper but who are quietly succeeding at times and succumbing to discouragement at others, who may have unharnessed potential that they have yet to tap into, who may need a friend or just to know that they are not alone and things can change. So thank you, Brian, and others, who publish your stories and share your struggles.Thank you to the many women who parent ADHD children. Women,with ADD, unite! Network! Let’s find each other and support each other in our sorrows and triumphs, our tears and laughter, our grief and shame. But let’s also join together to give each other hope, in whatever ways we can.
Laura

Hi Laura,
You are amazing. An inspiration!
I’m 46 and I’m going back to college in two weeks. I’m so nervous about going to school again I have the same dream over and over again. I have had that dream for years, but it’s gotten worse with my decision to go back to college.

I admire your strength and determination.

Hugs always,
Kelly

Laura,

You are not alone in your feelings as I saw myself in many of the things you wrote. I hope you will join the group Bryan suggested above and visit with us there.

I am humbled by the things you have been able to accomplish in your life and you are a encouragement and hero to all of us with ADD.

Dear Laura,

I would like to join the others in thanking you for being so honest.

I am curious about whether some of your depression and fear about sabotaging yourself might be helped by concepts in Carol Dweck’s book, “Mindset, the New Psychology of Success.”

I’m finding this book extremely helpful in my psychotherapy and coaching practices, and as a parent. Ms. Dweck examines two different mindsets – what she calls the “fixed mindset” and the “growth mindset.”

Those of us with fixed mindsets think that people are either smart or not, talented or not and each endeavor is a chance to fail and show that we are not so smart or talented, after all.

Those of us with growth mindsets focus on effort and realize that if we keep trying, we are likely to make progress. Students who have or are taught the growth mindset actually tend to learn more, as they focus on learning, rather than the possibility of failing at the next opportunity to prove themselves.

The book is filled with examples of people with each mindset. For example, supposedly John McEnroe lost in doubles at Wimbledon and didn’t play doubles again for 20 years.

Students with good grades who were told “you did really well, you must be smart” tended to shy away from more difficult problems (which might show they weren’t so smart after all) while students who were told “you did really well, you must have worked hard” were more likely to try the more difficult problems.

Perhaps it’s a stretch, but it seems to me that these concepts could help kids (and adults) with ADHD to avoid problems of low self-esteem and to improve actual performance.

I don’t think I’ve done the book justice, but any thoughts about whether focusing on growth, learning, and effort rather than “intelligence” and talent might make life a bit easier for those with ADHD?

Jonathan

Laura,
Please know that this is a place you may find friends and support. I hope you will continue to connect with us here.
Warmly,
Keath

Thanks to all who responded. I was overwhelmed, in a positive sense, that so many people would respond. I will check out the interactive site you listed. I am doing a little better. I am in the process of switching medications. I have a new psychiatrist and we are trying to get all of that under control but it takes time. Sometimes I wish you could just pop a magic pill and everything would be great. (lol) Right. Thanks for telling me about the book too. Interesting. After being transferred from the school for the retarded, I was put in the “gifted” class. The problem was, I was thrown in with kids who were older than me and had to catch up fast. When I got older, I was told what I “should” do as a career. They actually told me that I shoudl go to law school because I was so good at arguing! I laughed that off but they were serious! I’m so glad I don’t always listen to authority figures. I’d have made a terrible lawyer. I have a good friend who is a lawyer and I respect her because she has been able to maintain integrity in what is a difficult profession. But it’s not my thing, though I love reading legal thrillers. But then, I love reading a lot of things.
Yes, it does seem that a lot of people in the educational system tend to teach the “fixed mind set”, as you describe it. It is a shame, because it tends to label kids who then start thinking that either they’ll never do anything right or they might do a lot but it will never be good enough. In my situation, which I think is quite common, I was told that I could never use my disabilities as an excuse for anything. That’s true, and it’s true that those of us who have disabilities that are visible may initially have a harder time gaining acceptance by, say, an employer. But what they were really teaching us was that while we needed to learn skills such as Braille because of our visual disabilities, we were not allowed to grieve for the things we knew we were missing, were not allowed to express the myriad emotions we felt. While I do not advocate self-pity and whining and constant complaining, while I try to keep fighting the battles and doing the best I can, I think kids are often done a disservice, particularly in institutions where “care” is custodial and warm, kind, accepting people are rare. (The good ones always left anyway.)

In an ideal world, people would be judged by who they were, not how they looked or how they performed on tests. I like the idea of “emotional intelligence”. I used to fear emotions, both the negative ones I got from other people and the ones simmering inside me that I was afraid might come out. But I’d rather understand the people beneath the labels. I know we can’t eliminate labels completely. I’m glad that on this site it seems that people don’t mind when others express a wide variety of emotions and show ourselves to be the humans we are, whether we are an olympic athlete (and yes, I do stand in awe of Michael Phelps and of his wonderfully supportive mom) or whether we mop floors and clean tables at Burger King. If there is anything (well, actually there are a lot of things) but probably one of the most positive aspects of my blindness is that I am not distracted by how people look. It’s a good thing that my husband is also blind since he’s not worried about whether I’m wrapped in a beautiful package or whether I’m a treasure wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine. Thank you all for your acceptance and helpful advice and I hope to join you in the group soon.
Laura by

Hi Laura

My best friend is hearing impaired and went to the School for the Deaf for many years.

She also has Waudenbergs Syndrome (don’t know if that’s how you spell it). It means she looks different.

People still treat her as if she was less than. I bear witness to it.

And yet she is, and remains one of my greatest sources of inspiration.

Her heart is truly beautiful.

My wish is that more people were able to see the beauty that lies within the struggle.

I’m very much hoping that one day you may become part of Adderworld.

I believe that you have much to give; this will be hugely valuable to us all.