It’s not something we want to talk about, it’s not something we want to admit and it is clearly something we are ashamed of. And yet, as much as we already understand our mistakes, our failures and our impulsive mishaps we do it more and more, to the point from which we see no return.
ADHD are symptoms of a magnitude and force which no one, and I mean, no one, who does not have ADHD can truly empathize with, because, no matter how well they understand our symptoms and can explain them with detailed clarity, they do not live with them as part of their self-internal life force. And, as much as each of us relates so well with each other that have ADHD, there are even differences between us that elude our recognition – no matter how familiar we are with each other, and, we are, remarkably, naturally familiar with each other. This is the reason that our personal stories and our personal insights help each other so much.
Try as we might, with the seemingly futile efforts of separating ourselves from ADHD, when it is a part of everything we do and everything we think. Others would have us view and define ADHD as a label, as somehow separate from who we are, in the hope that we can rise above ADHD and with that, leave it behind. This is the issue for which ADHD causes so much misery for so many – to somehow think and believe that ADHD is separate from who we are and therefore we can leave it behind and overcome it in a way that it no longer exists within us. And then, perchance we believe that we have done exactly this, left it behind, and then, out of seemingly nowhere, the symptoms arise again – oh the failure, the defeat, the thoughts of how inferior we must indeed be – pathetic beings that we are.
From our failures we look for fault and blame – while we do this we gain a curved perception of others, who have been blessed with what we see as normalcy. Ah, the envy to be normal – the jealousy to be complete and the wanting to be whole. The holy grail of the ADHD mind is to ‘recover’, sometimes the exact thing which defies our ‘recovery’ is this holy grail of being ‘like others’ who are ‘normal’. Recovery indicates that ADHD is separate from who we are and that at some time in our past it did not exist within us – having been purged of it, we can then ‘recover’.
There is no recovery process for overcoming ADHD, because, ADHD never leaves us – ever. The recovery, which doctors and psychotherapists speak of, I believe is a different kind of recovery and it is that which the focus of resolving ADHD should be on. Let’s replace the word recovery with another word, one that is far more accurate and tangible than many realize at first glance: Acceptance.
When we look upon others who have ADHD and are achieving great things, the first instinct is to look away, to not dream of ‘more’. And that, in my view, is wrong. No, it is more suitable, in my opinion, to not look at those who have achieved great success as better or as something we must attain in as far as their material gains. But look at them we should, to study them and ask ourselves the ultimate questions:
Why?
There is always that question, and the answer to that question holds the key to something far more important than any one person’s achievements or successes.
How?
We should not be afraid to ask these questions and to seek the answers. It is only in seeking these answers that we can find them. The knowledge that others seem to have found answers helps us push on.
Nothing has ever been accomplished by human beings without those two questions: Why? And, How?
You do not have to win a gold medal and you do not have to invent the next form of artificial light, or, draw the next painting which will become the hallmark of an era. No, these are not the reasons to ask the questions. There’s something else. To achieve any great success one must have something. Is it grit? Is it tenacity? Is it hope? Is it motivation? Is it inspiration? – Yes, it is all of these things, but, these things come from something else:
Acceptance.
Acceptance liberated me from seeing ADHD as a label or, the symptoms of ADHD as something separate from me. It was through psychotherapy that I found an understanding for what awareness truly is and how certain aspects of ourselves try to protect us, but, at the same time, through that protection, also circumvent us from achieving or finding any kind of success, or, happiness.
If you find yourself intrigued by this blog post, let me lead you to a book which could change your perceptions of how ADHD is affecting you. Now, the trick is, I am not simply talking about the ‘symptoms’ per se, but, rather the consequences of those symptoms over time and how we have judged and characterized them over the span of our lives. Our characterizations and judgments may be giving far more power to the term ADHD than most of us realize. The book is called “The Art of Confident Living” by Bryan (great name!) Robinson Ph.D. Bryan Robinson’s book is not about ADHD; it is about how certain aspects of who we are, which have developed from our experiences, judgments and characterizations, try to take over in order to protect ourselves.
The more people I meet and talk to, with concern to Adult ADHD, is convincing me that treating the symptoms without treating the psychological aspects of the mind, as a whole, is like fishing in a lake without any fish in it. There are reasons habitual thoughts are hard to break, there are reasons why we repeat certain things over and over again and sometimes, it’s not the symptoms of ADHD alone always doing that – rather it’s sometimes the result of past experiences connected to how ADHD has affected us and the external consequences of given past situations. Have you ever believed that something is the way it is and it just is and nothing you can do will change it? I have. That’s just the way it is – - or, is it?
~Bryan
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This is wonderfully repackaged from that good old advice that our Moms and Grandmas gave us, “attitude is everything”. Whether its envisioning your future like in the wisdom of “The Secret”, or Wayne Dyer telling us to connect to the “Source” with the power of attraction-you will find what you are expecting. Malcolm Gladwell in his 2005 book, “Blink”, reminds us how we are a compilation of our intuition from past experience that comes together in the “blink” of an eye when we make a judgement. We are a mix of our past experiences and what we bring to the table as a result of how we have processed that experience may be more accurate than ten experts. You can beat yourself up about your past, or learn from it, take the good out and have a positive outlook for the next time. Attitude IS everything. My latest find, “Iconoclast” 2009 by Gregory Burns, tells the neuroscience behind thinking differently and what it means to think differently in the face of contrary opinions. I have yet to finish, but I like the way he tells that some people really do think differently, experience the world in a very brain different way-from the way we respond to fear to our social intelligence. This is where I choose to live, not dictated by what others would believe of me, or expect of me, or measured by their yardstick, but who I am, built by my biology and fueled by my thoughts that are truly unique to me. I don’t fit in a lot, but I don’t want to fit in-I make my own place and I choose to be happy there-I need nobody’s permission. Just like my grandma used to say, “that’s why Heinz makes 57 varieties”. This world would be tedious if we were all the same. If I were to deny my difference or feel apologetic about my differences, what would I want to replace them with? Do I have failures because of my differences? Do you know how many times Thomas Edison failed before he developed and successfully marketed his light bulb. He was not the only one doing it, but he ran in his own way and unapologetically charted his own course. Give me my failures, my inept organization skills, my rebellious nature that I have to do it my own way because their way doesn’t fit me. Take my Dad’s wisdom, “a lot better people than you have called me worse than that!” Maybe, just maybe, Tom Hartman and I will stop global warming, end world hunger, cure cancer over lunch someday. Or maybe I just choose to be happy right where I am. Either way I win. Why, in God’s name, would we want to be all the same? If you are different-you are the person I want to get to know- because you are interesting-and we know how we hate to be bored!
Hi Deb,
I study all the names you mentioned, as you probably have noticed. And when one of their messages strikes a chord, I usually mention it here on my blog and recommend the book. I like to take certain aspects of each message and demonstrate how that message helps us with regard to context of ADHD. It pleases me a great deal that you get it and I too agree, if you’re different, you are a person I want to meet!
Yes, Bryan, jealousy has been creeping my mind. I’m jealous to my friends who received scholarships to study abroad and got the job they want. They are living my long time dream. I didn’t get scholarship because the GPA for my bachelor degree was so low. I didn’t have a good modality from the start. I was even almost not accepted in my current university because of that. Luckily, I could charm the professors in the interview session with my British accent.
Once, my colleague told me why it took me so long to finish my thesis while another friend, who got scholarship to England, already completed her study. I got so mad and deeply hurt. So hurt until I told him how much he has hurt me. I couldn’t even believe myself saying that, but I was so afraid he would repeat it again. If there’s a list of memorable events in Riri’s life in year 2008, it would be called as the most dramatic event of the year.
I got jealous with my class mates who got all A’s. I was determined to be an A student, but until now, my grade is among the lowest. Believe me, Bryan, I worked hard for it. I really had to tell my thesis supervisor that I’ve been working hard on it, that I’m not laid-back.
I got jealous with those who can focus on their work. A long time ago, before I discovered about my ADD, I was always wondering how can this person could focus so well and tried hard to do the same. But you know how it came out.
I got jealous with my friends who can easily showcase their problems and receive good responses and supports. Their problems are so real, about kids, family, works…all regular problems to which everyone can relate. But once I started talking about my depression, they looked at me with a strange look, followed with laughter (!). Now, how do you think I can share easily to them about my ADD and my difficulties? Of tens of friends I have, only four of them can ‘understand’ it, including my coach. Even that, I still cannot talk about it easily. I feel lonely, Bryan…so lonely. Yes, ADDer World is my comfort zone now (I guess I’m a bit addicted to it), but I need ‘tangible’ friends also.
I know I should not be jealous, but I can’t help it. I think before I can be free from it, I should admit it first and let it out.
Thank you for reading, Bryan.
You have just spoken for the greater majority of us Riri!
I LOVE this post and the comments. I can SOOOooo relate! I will be looking for this book.
Thanks Bryan!!!!