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Yesterday I was in a downtown Frankfurt shopping mall when I saw a small crying kid get slapped in the mouth by his mother in an effort to get him to stop crying. She hit him so hard and it was so sudden that Joan and I stared at each other as if we were in some kind of weird movie. Thankfully, this incident immediately got the attention of a nearby security guard too. Predictably, the kid started crying more and when it seemed as though the mother was ready to try again the security guard stepped up to her, they talked and she left the mall with her small child in a huff of indignation.
It seems to me that there are parents out there who are confused as to how to get their children under reasonable control and instead lash out with physical punishment. If, like with this person I told you about above, they are punishing children in public, what are they doing in privacy? The thought scares me and maybe it’s none of my business? Of course, it becomes all of our business if the child grows up with resentment and seeks revenge by lashing out at society.
The interesting thing is, physical punishment doesn’t work as a definitive solution and has proven to be counterproductive. Physically punished children may seem to comply and correct their behavior in the short term, but, if it is happening time and again, with the need to repeat such punishment, you would think a light would go on to seek a better solution, hopefully from a professional. In some cases it may be that both the child and the parent need help.
Now, I am not a doctor or any kind of ‘researcher’ but let me go ahead and throw something out there again, this is just from common sense and observation, if a child is physically punished enough it is highly likely going to create resentment and possibly lead to some kind of revenge either against the parent (s) or against society in some form or another at some time or another.
~Bryan
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Well, in Germany, it’s against the law to physically punish your children, so she’s lucky she didn’t get jailed. I witnessed the same thing at a kid’s sporting event. Two kids about 7 or 8 were clowning around, both of them, when the mother of one pulled her kid out by the arm, screamed at him and slapped him hard right across the face in front of hundreds of other shocked kids and parents. The point was, he wasn’t really even doing anything worth getting upset over. He was being a boy. At any rate she also pulled him out of his team and said he had to leave and go home. Another trainer ran after her and tried to talk sense into her and it took a long time, before they decided to let the boy play in the games. It was terrible, we were all shocked and I so felt for the boy who was humiliated in front of all of those people. It’s surely something he’ll never forget.
It’s certainly not the way to go and it doesn’t help a thing. Consequences, are what help, but not physical punishment. We don’t go around slapping our co-workers if we don’t like what they’re doing, do we? Our children deserve the same respect.
Reply to JackieHere in the US it is also illegal and she could have gone to jail for assualt on a minor. As a former law enforcement officer I have had to make arrest in these cases in the past. Usually we place the kid with another relative and the parent is charged. Looking back at situations I have been involved with usually there are other issues involved whether it be drugs, post-partum depression, etc on the case of the parent. I also know that sometimes ADHD kids are punished because of a lack of education of the symptoms. Example I was grounded as a kid because my parents thought I was ignoring them when they called me. However those of us with ADHD know we can space out and not even realize anyone is even in the room.
Reply to Joshua AlexanderWell said, Bryan.
I don’t think parents resort to these measures ifthey have other methods. Of course some sub-cultures encourage capital punishment, but mostly I think it’s poor self-control and inability to implement better solutions.
Remember this outrageous bit of advice from media gadfly Larry Diller — how spanking prevents ADHD?
http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/6/9/one-view-a-spanking-might-beat-ritalin.html
I still can’t believe US News and World Report gave him this platform. You posted a great response there, and so did many other people with ADHD.
Reply to Gina PeraEducation and the ed I am talking about is to the poor people who are not bleesed with this gift they call ADHD so we need to inform them and forgive them.
Reply to Ron sorensonsMy mom’s slapped me before, but she’s not the sort of person who does that. I broke her because, when I felt I was being treated unfairly, I got extremely damn annoying. I’m actually proud of the fact that I got her to do this, she never really did it to my brother like that. Anyway, it just made me angrier when she did that, it was counterproductive.
I see the US News guy’s point about kids preferring spankings because they’re over with more quickly. As a result, they probably wouldn’t have been as effective on me as time outs were, although they’re a good way to give a quick reminder of who has the power, I suppose.
Reply to BenFunny, I was just thinking about how my mom still lashes out at me physically, yet considers herself a pacifist.
Abusive parents have unbearably low self-esteem and need help in the kindest possible way, not scorn. Any less further cheats their children of a healthy protector.
Taking children from their parents, even abusive ones, is usually just as traumatic as ignoring them. Abused children need their parents to be helped, not punished, if at all possible.
Passive aggression is more damaging in the long run than overt aggression. Neither is healthy for disciplining children, but at least when someone’s hitting or yelling, there is clear and definite recourse.
I have found that painstaking application of fair consequences can be ultimately rewarding, if mindbendingly difficult, in raising a responsive and resilient child.
Despite my mother’s need for kindness, my child deserves my good mental health and protection. Thus, I avoid my mother like the plague and pray she has nice friends to support her when she pines for me.
Reply to maddgeSome kids just aren’t getting enough attention and will act out to get more attention, even if it means negative, or, even painful, attention. Wise parents, I think, get the idea and realize that kids are just calling out to be noticed a little more. That’s just one side; however, like you said Gina, some parents simply don’t have any real plan for when their children get out of hand or get in trouble and resort to the simplest, quickest method available and that’s using physical methods. Then there’s the other side, when parents just let the kids do whatever they want and eventually just ignore them – which could be just as bad!
That guy from US News received attention because he suggested something outrageous, ridiculous and way off base – that’s what gets attention and something the news is actually quick to jump on. Those that replied ignorantly to the positive are probably getting visits from the police
Another thing we should probably realize is that some parents get an impulse and with regards to maybe having severe, or, untreated ADHD, they react too quickly and harshly. This doesn’t justify anything; however, if it happens just once there can still be a lot of regret – if ADHD is involved, there’s already enough we regret as it is. I have been told by certain parents that spanking works and is the only thing that works, at the same time I notice these parents were workaholics and spent very little time with their children at all, that kind of explains why they resort to this method, it’s still wrong.
I don’t have any children; however, I have had frustrated impulses in the past and the painful regret that comes afterwards simply isn’t worth it. Once, years and years ago, as an impulsive youth, I hit my hand on my desk simply because I could not finish an assignment and I broke my pinky finger. I tell you what, that hurt more than I can describe. My pinky finger never healed back to its original form and therefore has a bit of a rise where the joint is… these things stay with us, just as regret and remorse do too. No matter how much anyone, me, you, the person down the street, justifies something which is wrong, it doesn’t matter, the result doesn’t go away and any personal justification one might come up with internally, doesn’t make it right, if it’s wrong to begin with.
I am glad your mom stopped Ben; sounds like you and her have become wise together
Bryan
Reply to BryanBryan, so you’re saying that basically, parents are also humans, and like some humans sometimes they freak out and do things that they regret?
That’s a good point. I think the problem of abuse comes in when there’s a pattern.
Reply to BenWell, actually, yes Ben. That’s the short and sweet of it
Reply to BryanI have had some success at intervening on such parental behavior. Of course, there are many risks, including but not limited to further victimization of the child.
Many years ago, I tried this for the first time and have never once had it go wrong. I can’t even think it could go wrong later on, either.
I walked up to the child being bullied and looked carefully at her, than said to the mom, “Oh, your daughter is lovely. She looks SO bright and interesting.” (I’d have chosen other descriptors had these not been apt. You have to be real.)
The mom stopped her action on the spot. The child looked confused. I said it again. Mom brightened, so did child. I said a bit more about how fun it must be to spend time with such a terrific kid.
I went on my way. Here’s the thing, as I see it:
1. No chastising of mom, which would evoke her anger and/or embarrassment, possibly resulting in further bad treatment of child.
2. Good, accurate info for the child who may not receive it regularly.
3. No embarrassment to mom (who knows what her day was like? or her week? Life?
I don’t think we usually have a chance at having much positive impact and this is likely another example of trying something that will at least interrupt the action, rescuing – for the time being – both parent and child.
I could have used a rescue a few dozen times (as a mother)
Reply to Betsy Davenport, PhDThat sure seems like a good way of intervening on behalf of both the parent and the child.
Thanks for telling us about it Betsy!
Bryan
Reply to BryanI absolutely can’t resist clarifying here. I could have used the rescue, not because I actually slapped my kid but because I learned – more than once – what drives a parent to do that. I learned because I was on the brink. And I was on the brink because my impulse control was less than I needed it to be.
About the response I described above: another advantage of it is that the parent receives another person’s vision of the child. This can change things both in the moment and beyond, when you consider how many people do lose proper perspective on their own children’s charms.
There is so much pressure on parents to make their children behave in a civilized way in public; it can drive many parents to behave in an uncivilized way. Terrible irony.
Reply to Betsy Davenport, PhD