Not really. Physical sex that is, it is nearly irrelevant. You wouldn’t think so, because, well, we probably think of sex more than we think of anything else. However, we don’t think of physical sex that much, not in that way. Do you doubt me? Then read on.
Our inherent definition of sex is entirely different than what we think sex should be. I mean to say that what marketers, advertisers and movies, TV and magazines show us what sex should be, isn’t what we define sex to be. And you know what – sex in of itself is uninspiring for someone with ADHD, and yet, for someone who doesn’t have ADHD, I have heard tell that that having sex, physically and emotionally, with someone who has ADHD can be the best sexual experience they have ever had, the first few times, that is. Have you heard this too?
I am not basing this article on any research or scientific facts. Take it or leave it, read it and think about it, that’s all. This all comes from the mind of Bryan; I am an ADDer, that’s my research. Even so, I’ve got you thinking, because, you know…
Sex is boring. We’d rather be doing something else while in the act of having sex, something more exciting, like, well, fantasizing about sex, putting together a good story about our sex life and while we do that we miss out on something important, the reality of sex. What’s the reality of sex… but first…
Now, just because sex seems boring to us while in the throes of passion, it doesn’t mean it’s boring for the other person. Why? Maybe it is because we are trying to reach a goal while having sex, and by trying to reach that goal we go all out for the other person, to please them, and many of us do get the other person where they want to go, but, did we get where we want to go? Usually not, and that’s why we see the actual act of sex as boring. We pull out all the stops for the other person, but, in our (usually wrong) estimation, that person doesn’t seem to take an interest in pleasing us.
What’s the problem? Why is sex unsatisfying? Are you sure you want to know? Remember, I am just telling you what I think here, no scientific facts, you can take it or leave it and it may not be the same for everyone… I am not going to present any neurons, biochemistry or brain scans. No pie charts.
Physical sex is unsatisfying because it can never seem to live up to our expectations! ADDer men may have porn collections that outpace their comic collections. And some ADDer women have more romance novels than they could ever finish reading. Why? They are not satisfying and the search will go on, until you find the one movie, book or magazine that is satisfying… some come close, but, never quite reach it. Does that even make sense? No, it probably doesn’t, unless you know the truth. Sex, in of itself, will never scratch that seemingly ever enduring itch, oh, yes, you will scratch the itch of those you have sex with, indeed, quite well, at first and if that were all that would be important, well, then sex would never be boring.
Do you want to know the ultimate answer to solve this mystery? Our inherent definition of sex is something entirely different than we tend to realize. Some of us realize it, but not all. Sex is… love, compassion and ultimately caring for someone else. When we have love, the real kind of love, the kind that keeps you up until dawn just talking and getting to know the other person – that is what sex is and physical sex becomes an extension of that. Physical sex, alone, will never be satisfying until we care about the other person and stop worrying about whether they can give pleasure in a physical manner, because, the right person can, if you open up, let go and let them, by caring about them.
ADDers tend to have an expectation of sex that will never be met and can never be met, one reason is because we have lived through a life of not achieving our expectations and therefore give-up on having any real expectations that we want to turn into reality. We find it easier to relinquish wanting something because we don’t think we will get it anyway. However, when it comes to sex, too many continue to create and build on a fantasy no one person can ever hope to fulfill. Porn collections and romance novels will never fill the void, getting more of them is like a chocolate craving, the last bite is never enough because it isn’t quite as satisfying as one had hoped. And yet, the hunger for more chocolate continues.
Some are just looking for love in all the wrong places. Once you find it, sex is ultimately satisfying. There is no last bite of chocolate.
PS: This post and the outstanding responses in the comments and emails were the precurser to my book Adult ADHD can be Sexy!