Not really. Physical sex that is, it is nearly irrelevant. You wouldn’t think so, because, well, we probably think of sex more than we think of anything else. However, we don’t think of physical sex that much, not in that way. Do you doubt me? Then read on.
Our inherent definition of sex is entirely different than what we think sex should be. I mean to say that what marketers, advertisers and movies, TV and magazines show us what sex should be, isn’t what we define sex to be. And you know what – sex in of itself is uninspiring for someone with ADHD, and yet, for someone who doesn’t have ADHD, I have heard tell that that having sex, physically and emotionally, with someone who has ADHD can be the best sexual experience they have ever had, the first few times, that is. Have you heard this too?
I am not basing this article on any research or scientific facts. Take it or leave it, read it and think about it, that’s all. This all comes from the mind of Bryan; I am an ADDer, that’s my research. Even so, I’ve got you thinking, because, you know…
Sex is boring. We’d rather be doing something else while in the act of having sex, something more exciting, like, well, fantasizing about sex, putting together a good story about our sex life and while we do that we miss out on something important, the reality of sex. What’s the reality of sex… but first…
Now, just because sex seems boring to us while in the throes of passion, it doesn’t mean it’s boring for the other person. Why? Maybe it is because we are trying to reach a goal while having sex, and by trying to reach that goal we go all out for the other person, to please them, and many of us do get the other person where they want to go, but, did we get where we want to go? Usually not, and that’s why we see the actual act of sex as boring. We pull out all the stops for the other person, but, in our (usually wrong) estimation, that person doesn’t seem to take an interest in pleasing us.
What’s the problem? Why is sex unsatisfying? Are you sure you want to know? Remember, I am just telling you what I think here, no scientific facts, you can take it or leave it and it may not be the same for everyone… I am not going to present any neurons, biochemistry or brain scans. No pie charts.
Physical sex is unsatisfying because it can never seem to live up to our expectations! ADDer men may have porn collections that outpace their comic collections. And some ADDer women have more romance novels than they could ever finish reading. Why? They are not satisfying and the search will go on, until you find the one movie, book or magazine that is satisfying… some come close, but, never quite reach it. Does that even make sense? No, it probably doesn’t, unless you know the truth. Sex, in of itself, will never scratch that seemingly ever enduring itch, oh, yes, you will scratch the itch of those you have sex with, indeed, quite well, at first and if that were all that would be important, well, then sex would never be boring.
Do you want to know the ultimate answer to solve this mystery? Our inherent definition of sex is something entirely different than we tend to realize. Some of us realize it, but not all. Sex is… love, compassion and ultimately caring for someone else. When we have love, the real kind of love, the kind that keeps you up until dawn just talking and getting to know the other person – that is what sex is and physical sex becomes an extension of that. Physical sex, alone, will never be satisfying until we care about the other person and stop worrying about whether they can give pleasure in a physical manner, because, the right person can, if you open up, let go and let them, by caring about them.
ADDers tend to have an expectation of sex that will never be met and can never be met, one reason is because we have lived through a life of not achieving our expectations and therefore give-up on having any real expectations that we want to turn into reality. We find it easier to relinquish wanting something because we don’t think we will get it anyway. However, when it comes to sex, too many continue to create and build on a fantasy no one person can ever hope to fulfill. Porn collections and romance novels will never fill the void, getting more of them is like a chocolate craving, the last bite is never enough because it isn’t quite as satisfying as one had hoped. And yet, the hunger for more chocolate continues.
Some are just looking for love in all the wrong places. Once you find it, sex is ultimately satisfying. There is no last bite of chocolate.
~Bryan
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Bryan,that is the first time in my life that an accurate description of how the typical ADHD person thinks about sexwas written. Awesome!!
I’m not sure it’s all that different for those who don’t have ADD. As a psychologist and a researcher, I’d need to rule out the possibility that you’ve attributed what you experience to your ADD, while actually making a perceptive observation that’s true of most other people as well.
Perhaps your post will elicit enough comments to lend weight one way or the other.
I think you summed up my whole life in therapy so far. Good job!
Amen to this article personally I prefer my wife never liked porn,it is more important gentle kisses through the day,loving opening doors for my wife,touching her,bumping to her in the kitchen thrills of sex and the unknown,we hyperfocus on the individual who we love dearly,hmm for me that is great,my expections are met by more curiousity than expections
Very interesting reading to wake up to on a Saturday morning, Bryan!
Here you offer an especially great bit of well-said wisdom for us all: “When we have love, the real kind of love, the kind that keeps you up until dawn just talking and getting to know the other person – that is what sex is and physical sex becomes an extension of that.”
The ADHD Partner Survey I conducted, among 164 partners of adults with ADHD, showed that about half had a great sex life (even after many years in the relationship) and about half had….nothing.
Oh, it usually started out well for that second half during courtship, though. But once the novelty-induced dopamine stopped flowing, the passion pooped out.
As you point out, it’s often not “having the thing” that gets a pwADHD’s juice flowing; it’s the anticipation. That’s the nature of the brain’s reward system: it activates in order to pursue the thing. Once the thing is had, the dopamine stops. And for people who already “low dopamine,” that can spell the end of interest in sex.
(In fact, I’ve heard from more than a few adults with ADHD and their partners that they stopped having sex on their wedding night — and wasn’t that confusing for the partners. It was that much more hurtful to find that their partner with ADHD was more interested in masturbating to porn online or having e-relationships — and, moreover, would never talk about it. It just was.)
It’s the same with shopping, gambling, and all the other reward-focused pursuits.
For many, though, medication does help them sustain an interest in physical/emotional/whatever you want to call it sex. It helps them to focus. It helps them to stop being distracted by every little noise in the room (or noise made by their partner). It also helps them to “dance” a little better, with give and take, instead of just focusing on themselves or their partners.
As for those who sustained a sex life, even after years together, sometimes that was a problem, too, as many pwADHD “self-medicate” with sex. When they feel happy, sad, angry, confused, etc., they want sex. It’s how they manage their feelings. Some ADHD Partner Survey respondents report their partners wanting (sometimes demanding) sex 2-3 times a day. For years. And one commented that she felt simply like the tree that the bear uses to scratch an itch.
Even within these two groups, there’s still a lot of variety. I suspect it’s the second group that the “non-ADHD” people say they had the best sex with.
So, as for the “typical ADHD person,” there just isn’t one. Sorry!! Even though all people with ADHD have dopamine issues in common, the way it manifests is too variable to draw any blanket conclusions.
Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Hi, I think that the “boredom” during sex is more like distraction. Personally I am so distracted by every little detail of things (smelly armpits, spiders on the wall, scratchy blankets, etc.) and it is hard to just let go.
Also I agree that our minds are so imaginative that we have a better sex life in our heads sometimes, so the real things is more of a chore. Must be a way to translate that imagination into the bedroom though.
I am ADD inattentive and, if I can use myself as an example, have never been particularly interested in sex particularly after the first few times. When the novelty wore off so did my interest.
Thank you everyone for taking a moment to comment, sharing your experiences and opinions. Keep ‘em coming.
Gina, thanks for sharing the research information with us! Maybe you could provide a link or location where readers can find more information about the ADHD Partner Survey?
Oh, I just remembered a phone call I received a few years ago. Actually, it was voice-mail message, and it went like this:
“Hi, I’m calling for Gina Pera, who wrote that article (whatever it was), and I wanted to ask her about this dopamine thing. Because I used to never be interested in having sex with women. It didn’t matter if it was the prettiest woman in the world, you could line them all up, and it wouldn’t do anything for me. Then I tried methamphetamine (!), and suddenly I had a sex drive. Then I read about this dopamine thing, and it all made sense to me!”
Not that I’d recommend methamphetamine as a way of boosting dopamine connections in the brain, because that’s more like taking an elephant gun to them. But, it was just one of those voice-mail messages you tend not to forget!
Bryan, I’ve been slowly writing up the results of the ADHD Partner Survey at http://www.ADHDpartner.org. As I write on the blog, it’s not a scientific survey. But given the paucity of research in this area, it’s pretty darn interesting, IMHO. All research has its biases, and this one is that the respondents are those who sought a support group for help in understanding their pwADHD (who were mostly undiagnosed at the beginning of the relationship, which carries an impact all its own). Even so, many of these are in mostly happy relationships. So it’s a wide-ranging group.
g
I totally think sex is boring, but I’ve met other ADHD people who are way into it, so I can’t be sure that it’s an ADHD thing specifically.
Ben,
I think everyone experiences things in their own way with or without ADHD. We can relate in a lot of areas, but, that doesn’t always mean everything is exactly the same-same. That’s why I enjoy hearing from everyone, to get your perspectives too.
Gina thanks! I sent a message out to the ADDer World Social Network members that you have posted your link here! I will also add it to the blog roll I keep up over there
Clarissa,
Although we do have our faults, we shouldn’t take everything on our shoulders alone, either. Some are lucky enough to find partners who embrace our creative imaginations, even in the area of sex. Of course, think safety first
Barbara, oh dear, trust me, you are not alone. See my reply to Clarissa.
Fred, – very nice, indeed.
Bryan
Bryan I found your artical about ADHD people & sex very very interesting . I’ll be honest , being an ADD woman myself , I am a very sentual, senstive , loving caring person . I am the type of ADD woman that it depends on how my day went , weather I respond sexually to my partner . Now my ADHD partner some times wants to make love right then & right there and I am the type of woman who needs time in order to be sexual aroused , there are alot of times when my partner is simply too hyper for me , my other big issue is the fact that my partner tends to tease me alot ( even when he’s just kidding) I do not view his joking the way he does . I often find myself turned off by his teasing and then my partner wonder’s why when he teases me for along period of time through out the day , that I am not exzactly in the mood the cuddle or be kissed. I hate the fact that I am this way , but I can not help it – do not get me wrong I enjoy making love with my partner but I often get aggrovated when my partner is souly focused on what pleases him and acts as tho my pleasure is not equal to his and should be paid attention to as much as his .
Hi Melissa,
Frankly, I don’t think any person enjoys being teased (not in the way you are describing). That’s just not sexy or an attractive trait. Actually, such teasing is a turn off for most, I would think. Don’t hate yourself for his conduct! That’s something we tend to do, those of us with ADHD, we blame ourselves and tell ourselves we bring on the joking and therefore deserve it and should ‘cowboy’ up. Sorry, in my opinion, it is thoughtless behavior and generally childish (no offense to children).
There is possibly another side to this, if slight, so called harmless teasing was part of the courtship between the two of you, he might not fully realize that the original effect has worn off and has become crude and unwanted. I assume you have told him?
From your description, his selfish behaviors sound rather unappealing too. Sounds like a serious discussion needs to be had. However, I would, if this is the first time, try to approach this in a non-defensive or aggressive way. Try perhaps a romantic setting. The romantic setting could demonstrate what does arouse you and use that as an example of how you would take pleasure in being considered and treated, as you are more than worthy of.
Just my thoughts, of course.
Bryan
Bryan,
Thank you so much for writing this, but I think that the matter goes a lot deeper. I think you are not only describing sex but passion as well. The adder wants to have a passionate connection with their special one. We who have add often tend to struggle in life because the things we connect most with and gain actual enjoyment and memories from are those by which we can be passionate about and intensly passionate.
I find this true in my own life. I love and excel in areas where there is disctinct passion, ie drive. However all this said, thank you so very much for writing on this. I just lost my train of thought and the computer screen is making me sleepy even with my glasses on. This is an article more people need to read as well as the comments as it may change, challenge or reinforce their ways of thinking!! Good sex/ passion is like an amazing ‘oh shinny!!’ which cannot be forgotten about and is instead a continuous attraction and attention grabber!!
ADHD on the Inter-Tubes | A Morsel of Genius // May 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm
[...] wants to know … “Is Sex important to someone with ADHD?” With a title like that, I gotta link to [...]
Sex is very important to me, however it is extremely difficult for me to have orgasim, it seems I need complete consintration on thoughts of what turns me on. I’m not quite sure if this has anything to do with my add. Mabye its just me, I have had this problem my whole life, I am 44 years old. If anyone else shares this problem please share, Thanks much.
Since we are on the topic of sex, I have a question for ADDers: Do you find yourself having vivid dreams in your sleep about having wonderful sex?
I do not mean fantasy. I truly mean that you are literally sleeping and you have a dream about being in a relationship with someone or having sex with someone? This may sound rather odd or crazy, but I have dreams of individuals that I have NEVER met in real who I am sexually involved with. There are times it is just purely physical and there are times in which I am deeply in love. I can not help wonder why I continually keep having these HOT dreams? Is this just my creative imagination working in overdrive to keep me continually stimulated around the clock? Or could there be another meaning behind these dreams?
WoW Dana, hopefully someone can answer those questions for you. Mums the word from me
Before that questions is explored any (in case of graphic) further, please remember to keep any answers PG and if you want to discuss in more detail, we have an Adult ADHD section for 18 and older on our ADHD Social Network here: http://adderworld.ning.com/group/adultadhdtopics
Dana! Well, THAT is a good post. It’s very er, interesting and specific! I have had that same issue. My own answer is that my love-life just isn’t passionate enough. I am married, enjoy the sex with my DH, but it is relatively dull and has almost always been the case.
Before I met him I usually chose the wild, crazy, passionate (adhd?) guys, so I agree totally with Belle. I have wished many times that my sex life was more dramatic, and i am trying to figure out ways to work on that. My DH is a little shy about these things, so wish me luck.
Interesting points to ponder here!
My roommate and I (he also has recently been diagnosed with ADHD) have discussed on multiple occasions how the idea of sex is much better than the reality of sex, and how sex is… well… boring. That led me to consider how there seems to be a disproportionately high ratio of ADDers in what is locally referred to as “the Lifestyle” by the leather and BDSM crowds. Is it because of our drive for high stimulation (pun! Oh noes!)? Is it just a strange coincidence? Is it because “vanilla” sex is just too boring, and we have a notoriously low tolerance for boredom?
Sex is just another thing for us to hyperfocus on. Why would anyone be surprised that we could have a problem with regulation of intensity here any more or less than anything else? This area in particular just has inherent dangers that make it different from overfocusing on something less taboo. It brings health concerns as well as social consequences if it crosses the line to addiction. For some, the trick is to find an appropriate outlet in a stable relationship instead of chasing a real life “American Psycho” existence. Bored? No….that is a choice that disrespects your partner.
Hi Deb, just a little confused by something you mentioned… and maybe it is just that something is missing from your comment?
“Bored? No… that is a choice that disrespects your partner.”
If this statement is true, and taking into account boredom is a problem for many people with ADHD, a symptom actually, this would mean we are in control of what bores us and this symptom of ADHD is not actually a truth. Am I missing something in your comment?
However, if you mean we should respect our partners and put all of our effort and hearts into the relationship to find meaning and excitement in all aspects – I whole heartedly agree with you. Also, if it is a bad relationship elsewhere other than sex, then I expect it will affect the sexual experience too.
Bryan
I notice there has not been much discussion about sex and AD/HD medication. It is discussed at a good length in one of my favorite books, A.D.D. and Romance by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt.
Being a 26 year old female with ADHD diagnosed and medicated (Ritalin) at age 22, I can say medication has served to greatly increase my level of sexual satisfaction. A main reason is because it assists me in keeping my thoughts focused on the present moment. It also allows me the ability to prioritize sex in my daily life, even when other incredibly stimulating things such as a new job, new friendships, and/or exciting artistic opportunities arise. Thirdly, because I know change and newness are essential components in my life (because they ensure my brain receives enough dopamine to work effectively), I have discovered I respond well to what some people may consider “extreme creativity” in the bedroom. This allows me and my partner to continue experiencing change and novelty even in the course of a long-term monogamous relationsip.
Lastly, having a partner who is just as committed to creating an exciting and novel sex life is also essential for me. In the past, I have ended relationships when the sex was no longer novel (sometimes after only a few sexual encounters) or when my passion for my partner’s mind was not strong enough to compensate for a growing lack of passion for our bedroom activities. Being conscious of how my brain works in regards to sex and relationships has helped me make better partnering decisions and has fostered the kind of sexual and romantic relationship that works best for my unique ADHD brain.
I seriously cannot recommend the book A.D.D. and Romance highly enough. My own copy has been read at least four times, and has about an entire book of my own notes written in the margins. I refer to it often.
Thank you Shelley, you wrote that so very nicely! I can’t speak for the medication side of this; however, I agree with all else that you have written.
‘Being conscious of how my brain works’
This is very important for all of us with ADHD and indeed stands to reason this would also help us in this area of relationships too.
I will certainly check out the book you have mentioned and perhaps after reading it, I will also review it for others here on my blog. And if you like, you could respond with more details about the book itself.
Thanks for the continued input!
Bryan
Sorry, Bryan, I hit the submit button by mistake and the last part got deleted:
“But if you have trouble staying in the moment, there are meds for that. Maybe you just need more practice!” (my attempt at a joke!)
What I meant was (thank you for asking), if we are talking about mature love, not in terms of personal gratification, that sex is a very important and multifaceted experience between two people that deserves a great deal of respect so that both partners have the best experience possible.
As a female, when I have heard guys say “sex is boring with her”, it usually means I’m just not that into her.
Obviously, in a long term relationship, sex is not a hit out of the ball park every time, but it should be the connection of two spirits that come together every time. You bring to it your whole being, everything you’ve ever seen or read, your imagination, your creativity, your sensuality, your undying love. An extension of everything you are and everything that relationship means to you. If you are not SUPPOSED to have wild fantasies while making love to your significant other – man, am I in trouble!
Frequency can be an issue here, sometimes its good to take a break, for health or emotional reasons. Its great to take an intentional break (that you both agree on). I half heartedly joked about needing more practice, and maybe more focused practice to stop the usual and make it special with a specific goal in mind that is talked about earlier in the day.
Just like all the other slices of life, good sex is not automatically there – for long – it takes conscious consideration (I refuse to call it work) to make it stay good.
But like you say, if someone is looking for love in all the wrong places, you can have an “American Psycho” kind of search for gratification that is fleeting at best-and for us it can take a dangerous turn.
Even if you are not a big believer in meds, they can make a difference for a lot of people, and if my mind were unable to concentrate enough to stay with it for how long it takes, you can be sure I’m hitting the Rx before bedtime. I think I would even ask for extended release – ’cause just in case there is a last bite of chocolate, I’m gonna get it!
Hi Deb,
Gotta love your determination
Great comment with a lot of good insight.
Bryan
PS: Joan says beautiful last sentence/paragraph!!!
While I agree about some portions -especially about the other person reaping so many benefits, I cannot say the boredom part has been my experience at all. But it is very disappointing when the other party does not respond with equal determination or zeal.
Oh Renee, that’s a very important point you bring up for many concerning sex and ADHD:
“But it is very disappointing when the other party does not respond with equal determination or zeal.”
Maybe I should write a post: “Stuck with a Yawner?” lol but, seriously, I am not kidding!
Bryan
Have you made the comparison with those who are and have been medicated and those who are not?
I have not been medicated for well over 20 years and I can say that there is a big difference between sex and making love. I have the ability to hyper focus and my skin is and has always been hyper sensitive. The Sex act to me is preferred over anything else. I have been married for over 18 years to one woman and have had only one wife. With my wife sex has become more meaningful than early on. Hope this has not been to graphic.
Umm…..TONS of people get bored with sex with the same person after the first few times….that’s why so many people cheat. I don’t think ADHD has much to do with it.
HOLY *%^*IN SH** – You, whom I’ve never known, have just made me realize why I felt so odd ever since college. I knew I had ADHD. But I never made the connection with how I feel about sex. My ex-wife and I are still friends. But she always thought it was something wrong with her.
Thank you for this post.
Great response, eh, Bryan? You articulated the experience of many readers, and in a most original way. Way to go!
Byran,I just found this post today, from related artictles to your post about your upcoming book “Adult ADHD can be Sexy”. And of course, it caught my attn.(chuckle).I thought about it for few minutes, and this is one of the thoughts…..For me, It’s kinda like being in route, on a vacation I have been looking foreward to. The anticipation and excitement is one of the best parts! …..The thoughts racing through my mind, like skiing on perfect powder, launching my boat onto a lake full of trophy Bass, walking up stairs to our room at a secluded “Bed & Breakfast”, or whatever.I always know that We will enjoy ourselves when We get there! We will feel satified and looking foreward to our next “Trip”, when We return home exhausted…but glad We went!Scott.
Bryan, I just had another ADDer moment…….I found this post, noticed that it was from May 2009 and I did not recall ever reading it. Funny thing is that I came upon MY very own comment to this post and I totally forgot that I wrote a comment or even read this before!We can add this to your collection of answers on your other post titled, “YOU KNOW YOU HAVE ADHD WHEN……..” After reviewing the response of each individual, it sounds to me as if there are some ADDer’s who find sex boring, but there is another set of ADDer’s that do not find sex boring. Very interesting!My theory to this conclusion is that sex is only sex and NOTHING more when there is NO love, passion, connection, respect or deep emotions for the partner whom the individual is having sex with. This explains the reason for lack of excitement, intimacy, passion and AWESOME sex. No wonder they are bored……On the other hand, the individuals diagnosed with ADD/ADHD who definitely have had the positive experience of enjoying AWESOME sex with dramatic results, never a dull moment, but extremely satisfying, passionate and mutually exciting for the other partner then HIGH FIVES TO ALL OF YOU!In my experience, what makes the difference between “boring sex” and “”mind-blowing sex”(Like the 4th of July fireworks!) is the INDIVIDUAL who you are with as well as your RELATIONSHIP. There is no doubt in my mind that sex with someone I love deeply is far better than any experience on this earth and it does make an ABSOLUTE difference in how emotionally and physically satisfying the experience is.
I am the spouse of an ADDer. We are currently separated and one of the main issues was sex. He didn’t want to touch me sexually. He was snuggly, and for the most part sweet but had little interest in sex. I would feel degraded when I was constantly turned down. My self-esteem suffered. He had gone off his meds because we changed our lifestyle – better eating, exercise, meditation just before we married but he soon gave it up after the honeymoon. I begged him to tell me why he didn’t desire me. He went to see a counsellor, one he’d been seeing for years before he met me, and he just came home and said we needed to split. I still have no idea why. Before he met me, he bedded many women in a one-night stand capacity. Sometimes we would encounter them socially and I would ask if he slept with them. He would lie and say no. My trust disintegrated. Why would he lie to me about his past? What would stop him from lying to me now? I still don’t know for a fact if he was unfaithful and I know most of you will say he was. The truth is we love each other very much but he just won’t talk and I am so hurt and confused, I don’t know what to do. I suggested couples counselling, seeing his counsellor together right at the beginning but he refused. He also took a brand new job, travelling, and is now finding out he doesn’t like it. He thought it would make him happy but it hasn’t. Can any of you offer some advice, no matter how much it may be difficult to hear? I really need to move on but keep beating myself up!
I have ADHD but have never been interest in sex. I’m adult now, and would say I am asexual. Is this common with ADHD?
Did you realy find it ? Or is this just an expression and a thought ? Please let me hope again
Indeed I did, Tom… I think you will want to read my soon to be published new book