You know how often I wish I never had a problem? Daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. I pride myself on being a problem solver. I am very, very good at it – sometimes too good at it. I have been solving problems all of my life, to the point that I became so tuned for problems that I try to predict them… and you probably know what that means. I believe this is a habit created by having ADHD, especially when it was undiagnosed, I created most of my own problems, but I didn’t know why.
Fear is the worst. I loathe being fearful and yet all too often I feel on edge for no good reason. When I was a kid I mostly feared getting in trouble and being punished physically for it. That was a constant state of existence for me. That’s where it started and yet it is extremely hard to leave behind.
Problems aren’t all bad because when I work to solve them I usually learn something valuable. It never seems to fail. But fear, fear just creeps in and I usually can’t figure out why I am fearful, why I feel on edge and what the heck is wrong.
That’s the difference between a ‘problem’ and ‘fear’ for me. With a problem I can usually identify the cause and work to correct it. But, with fear, I don’t always know the ‘why’ of it and I get caught up in it and the terrible, terrifying dilemma for me is that I am not always sure what the solution is. Therefore, I work extra hard to never have a problem, but the problem with that is that it is impossible to never have a problem and knowing I can’t circumvent all of them causes me the most fear. What’s next, what’s next, what’s next!
So you know what I discovered? By trying to anticipate every problem by considering every scenario is what is actually causing me the most fear.
Kind of ironic… huh?
Bryan
PS: Gina Pera has an important post where she takes a certain talk show host to task for suggesting through insinuation that paddling children is the solution to ADHD, because it worked in decades past. Anyone who has read my first book knows what I think about this suggestion. It’s not only ridiculous and insulting, but, it is extremely dangerous. Paddling in itself is bad enough, but when it is used for treatment on a kid, especially with ADHD, the results can be detrimental – low self-esteem, mental stability, anxiety, PTSD all come into play, plus much more. I have said this before and will say this again, we are causing our own worst problems in homes and society as a whole, when we take the route of physical punishment as the answer to difficult or challenging children with ADHD. Perhaps the talk show host will read my book and realize what the reality is for a child with ADHD and such punishment as he suggested. Sadly, I highly doubt that he cares.
Yes, paddling a child will create stimulation through adrenalin rushes, as I understand it (and have felt it), and this will help the child correct behavior for a very limited time and worst still, in order to be effective, it must be repeated over and over again… is that really a viable solution to ADHD? No, I know it is not. As I explained, this is where my fears in life began, in as much as I can remember.
Back in the day, parents weren’t fully aware of ADHD and the destructive consequences of physically punishing children. However, that isn’t the case anymore. There’s no excuse for it.
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So true you hit the nail right on the head. My dad always told me to never let fear or being fearful of a problem stop you from sovling it . I will personally admit being ADD I have my times when I have had a problem & didn’t know what do to solve that problem , I found alot of times that when ever i would get obbsessive on solving that problem that , being so focused on solving that problem would just make the problem even worse & then I would end up even more frustrated, it would be then I would just take a break & try to put the problem out of my head for a little while and get my mind on to something else . We know what they say, some times when ever you don’t know what to do to solve a problem that when ever you don’t know what todo , that some times the best thing you can do is nothing at all – then again it all depends on what the problem is.
Hi Melissa, so true, sometimes what we fear comes upon us, but more often than not, what we fear the most never is as much as we think it is, sometimes it’s just a little bump that our mind creates into this incredible mountain of mental frustration…
I saw an article about another study this week that indicates that spanking may lower IQ. It also supports some of what you are saying Bryan: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2009/09/spanking-iq.html
Very interesting! Fear certainly can be powerful and dangerous. The first step to taking you power back of course, is acknowledging…so…keep up the good work:)
Yep Katy, there are more and more studies coming out about this and it just stands to reason that such punishment never works. It’s common sense really. Why we think it works is beyond me. I had someone tell me that spanking helped them grow up, so it is okay, it learned him, he says, but I rarely take the time to give consideration to such dribble when the person can’t hold a job or treats others with disrespect because that’s the way it’s supposed to work, after all it worked for him… too sad really… I always take a good look at who tells me this and how they are doing, that tells me the influence they will have on me if I pay ‘em too much attention. Meaning: you are absolutely correct ‘acknowledging’ is the first step to gaining one’s power back, even if they never remember having the power in the first place!
Katy, I went to that link you sent me and the comments for that study really got the better of me. I know most of the comments were directed at the study, but it sure seems that many of them were for physically punishing children! It messed me up all day and I can’t get over how they write as if CP is justifiable with disregard to lasting effects or the failure in discipline could be something more than just ‘bad’ behavior on the part of the kids.
Physical violence is never all right. Punishment of any sort is at best unhelpful. Somewhere along the line people got it into their heads that we have to make children feel worse so they can act better.
Stupid stupid and wrong. Not even practical, let alone humane.
The best way to ensure children and other people learn, is to help them remain free of fear. This is something that makes me nuts — when I hear adults deliberately evoking fear in children as a teaching tool. WRONG.
Children who are unafraid are more able to think, and thinking is a very important thing to be able to do. So many of the problems we face as individuals, groups, nations and a planet are either based on fear, or unsolvable because of fear; or both.
Good post, Bryan.
Yep, ditto Betsy! What kind of sense does it make to make anyone, child or adult feel worse in order to improve? Because a child behaves better out of fear doesn’t mean they have learned anything except to be quiet and constantly on guard, or hide as much as possible. That’s a solution?
Hello! I stumbled onto your site and really liked what you said about fear! I’m that place right now… and it’s horrible. The good news is, that this feeling will pass when I start to think of something else…
Will keep up with your site. Thanks!
Andy – Fellow ADDer
Hi Andy, just noticed you joined our social network too. Great! Yeah, fear can be the pits, I have found that talking about it helps and sometimes when we say what we fear outloud we realize it is not as fearful as we thought it was in our mind’s eye. Always nice to meet a fellow ADDer!
Bryan