|
People with ADHD have enough problems without being compared to evil tyrants.
There are few things which upset me more than when someone with ADHD is called narcissistic. I compare the term closer to a curse word more than anything else when used to describe someone with ADHD.
Several rulers of the past who sought world domination are often described as the embodiment of narcissism. I agree with that, I go a step further and hazard to believe that they may have had narcissistic personality disorder, among other issues. We also tend to think of such rulers as evil, and why not, they utterly destroyed lives and ways of living. They deserved such terms; they earned them in various horrible, deceitful ways.
Although narcissism at times seems an accurate description of some of our behaviors to the blind eye of the uninformed, the term tends to ignore the symptoms of, and our realities with, ADHD, and therefore, why some with ADHD may behave in certain ways. ADHD is not a moral issue or character flaw, and although the term narcissism may not always be meant to describe our character per se, it does in fact come across that way.
Freud considered narcissism to be an essential part of the human make up. All of us have a bit of it, or we would throw our needs to the wind and only take care of others, which actually, some ADDers do as people pleasers, but that’s another topic.
If you point to any highly successful person with or without ADHD, someone who has achieved world champion status or strives for such excellence, you are bound to find someone with more narcissism than the average person. That’s the way it is. If it wasn’t, the standards for achieving such success would be lower than it is.
Society in general has, especially over the last century, asked that individuals strive and strive and strive for more, for higher goals, for more of anything and everything. Sometimes it goes too far, but when a person with ADHD attains the pedestal, one of the most common terms I hear to describe that person is, narcissism.
How sad is that?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!
There are some with ADHD who do tend to come across as selfish and uncaring of others. It is a huge issue in relationships. One of the reasons for this is that we have a difficult time understanding many common communication cues, both spoken and unspoken, which does indeed make some of us appear, at times, to not be caring enough.
What comes as natural awareness to most people without ADHD, is usually not the case for us, we must learn these communication cues in order for us to facilitate them in a reasonable manner. If we don’t, our relationships will suffer and most will not last for an extended period of time, if they do last under these circumstances, I would say it’s a good chance that resentment will set in.
If we take into account that most of us diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood have been searching anxiously for answers to our behaviors for quite a long time, and well, yes, that could come across as selfish, even narcissistic to some.
When we search for answers to our very own behaviors, we invest a lot of time into self. It is also quite true too that once we have been diagnosed, the attention to self does not end. We still must learn ways to cope and overcome our internal struggles. There’s a lot of taking care of self involved and this does invariably take our attention away from others. Therefore, balance is necessary, but must be learned, we do have ADHD.
I am not even going to delve too deeply into the fact that many of us have been treated harshly for our ADHD behaviors, have felt like outcasts and have simply withdrawn for fear of criticism and further pain.
So, finally, yes, there are parts of our behavior which could, and often do, come across as narcissistic, selfish or self-seeking. I agree and I think a fair number of ADDers will agree; however, it does not mean we deserve the additional label: narcissistic.
We have the label of ADHD already, which has been construed as a degrading term for bad morals and undesirable character over the last couple decades. Such beliefs and discriptions are wrong.
Not just wrong, but hurtful.
ADHD is only now starting to be clarified to the general public. Our symptoms and traits can, and frequently do, take many forms that cause enough confusion, which do play havoc in our lives and the lives of our family and partners, the label ADHD encompasses these symptoms and traits.
Yes, it takes awareness and effort to correct our behaviors, or at least improve them, but I dare say that cursing at us with such condemning terms as narcissism isn’t helpful. Yes, I do find it offensive. Simply because someone has ADHD, or succeeds with ADHD, does not necessarily mean they are selfish, egotistical or narcissistic.
I realize that not everyone who uses the word in conjunction to the behaviors of someone with ADHD means it to be insulting and hurtful, but just because they don’t mean it to be, doesn’t mean it isn’t.
I hope the use of such derogatory characterizations eventually stop, as understanding of what ADHD is becomes better known and acknowledged.
~Bryan
~~
> If you enjoyed this post, please share it via icons below. Enjoy a free ebook and scroll down to comment too! You may get an error when commenting, but your comment will post.
Have you read 'One Boy's Struggle: A Memoir', yet?
NOW AVAILABLE - get it by Clicking here! Free!
|
This issue bumps up against all kinds of other things too Bryan…which you already sort of poked at: when people succeed, does that mean they are always narcissistic? And also…when women are successful, does that mean we are narcissistic? Women who “succeed” catch hell all the time for not following the rules, even now, even today, even young women like myself. Add ADHD to that and it’s a pretty toxic mix of sludge to have to clean off of yourself.
Personally, yes, I believe that there is a certain “self-centeredness” that is necessary to achieve certain goals. That’s not the same thing as narcissism. Having your self at the center of your ambitions is not a bad thing, and it often is necessary to getting ahead in certain endeavors. It does not mean bowling others over, ignoring others’ needs. It DOES require total honesty about your life path.
My b-friend and I have a lot of conflict over this. When I was younger I really didn’t tend to myself as well as I should have. Now that I’m ready to be more self-focused and pursue a few of my own goals…he feels left out. But he is someone who himself, has never really focused on his own goals. I always tell him that this relationship gives him the gift of space to pursue his own goals…I also was honest from the beginning that my priorities were school, work, and a few side projects that needed more of my time in my beginning to develop.
He just wants someone who wants to sit around and watch movies…okay first of all, as an ADHDer that is not my idea of a good time, and second, if that was what he REALLY wanted, he never would have picked me, lol.
So…this stuff creates a lot of conflict. But for once in my life I’m sticking with my guns and dedicating myself to my projects. I’m not going to give up grad school, and all of the other neat stuff I’m finally doing for myself just to make him happy. And I am NOT a narcissist. I’m not going to say I’m always easy to live with either, lol, but that doesn’t make me a narcissist.
Reply to Katy B. "Miss K"I think its great you’re sticking up for yourself Katy! If you don’t, who will? It doesn’t sound like your bf is advocating for you to enrich your life with school and other projects . He sounds like he’s needier than someone who has ADHD! You have to have other interests outside of a relationship, that’s what makes your time together more enriching.
Reply to CookieAh, Katy, you mention something important and, I know well (from personal experience): “if that was what he REALLY wanted” What HE wants is just as important as what you want. Relationships are built for two and it must go both ways or there will be conflict, isolation and eventually resentment and breakup. However, that doesn’t mean we are always compatible with the person we choose, because our needs are not what chooses another to begin with, it’s another attraction of looks, charisma etc… the type of relationship you are describing (and forgive me if I am wrong) is not one that you feel a desire to overly exert yourself to discover and fulfill his needs, even if, yes, just watching movies is what he wants (maybe he’s getting bored? What you find exciting and interesting might not be to for him – guys tend to agree to easily and say they like something too loosely – I know, I’ve done it). Anyway, ADDers in general have difficulty recognizing and fulfilling the needs of partners, this leads to strife, claims of narcissism and eventually heartbreak, divorce, breakups, separation and worse, if kids are involved. We are not the center of the universe, but if we do not even feel the desire to learn the needs of our partner… guess what… it’s not a relationship, or, at least not one we appreciate and truly want to be in… of course, I could be wrong and this is a future post I am writing btw
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonHeh heh…thanks Cookie…and Bryan, good theories for another relationship
Even he agrees that he is neglecting himself and then blaming me for it. Although he recognizes it, he doesn’t know how to “do” life any other way, he’s still learning, and I’m willing to hang out while he does that, provided he’s not avoid reality by dumping his “stuff” on me. As I put it “there’s a steaming pile of crap here, and it’s yours to deal with, but you keep shoveling it onto me instead of just getting rid of it.”. Lol…
Instead of working on his grad school portfolio, networking to further his career and pursing passions that will feed his soul…he whines that I’m just selfish and am too busy for him. He’s the master of coming up with all of the reasons that it’s my fault that he’s not meeting his “potential”…whatever that potential may be. Meanwhile he’s missing deadlines, feeling jealous (his words, not mine) because I have a ton of connections/resources in the community, and belittling my projects. Nope, I’m not owning that steaming pile of crap.
And…I’m not apologizing for my current focus on finally achieving something.
I have been extra driven in the last few years because I had this terrible (and no doubt very ADHD) feeling of having to “catch up” for all of the time I wasted through underachieving. Does that make my focus on my projects very intense? Yes. And armed with a new diagnosis of ADHD…I have been simultaneously been really busy, AND re-learning a lot of how I live my life, AND changing my brain chemicals three times in 6 months.
I know I’m very “about me” right now…but am I supposed to not go through the therapy and sorting that I need to go through…because I have a more important role to play as a distraction for someone who is currently working hardest at avoiding themselves?
He’s a grown man. Yes, he needs me perhaps, and there are lots of ways in which I’m happy to oblige. But I think I’m doing him AND me a favor though, by impeding his ambitions as a budding emotional vampire
I’ll stick around a while to see if he can take the wheel in his own life again…but it’s not my job, on top of everything else, to carry him. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for him…and…I only go into this much detail about it because…that narcissism label can be so destructive when misapplied. We ADHDers have enough challenges in learning appropriate boundaries between ourselves and others without having to bear the weight of others who aren’t working nearly as hard to be responsible for themselves
Reply to Katy B. "Miss K"Well, this is really timely for me, it has come up as an issue in my marriage lately. I have always felt different and always been set apart for many reasons in my life. I was an above-average student, very sensitive, and have always been a non-conformist. I have parents that are quite similar, though their behaviors have diverged into narcissism and does truly stand out to others as such.
I have had counseling about my parents’ narcissistic issues, and read books on the subject. Sometimes I’ve felt that it describes me, too. My therapist says that the fact that I look at myself and seek to do better means I am NOT in that camp myself! A narcissist probably wouldn’t GET that they are one.
But feeling that I stand apart from others makes me feel superior at times, and also dang inferior. I go back and forth. Feeling sorry for myself is ego-driven, but I don’t stay there long.
And you hit it RIGHT on the head when you said: “When we search for answers to our very own behaviors, we invest a lot of time into self.” This drives my hubby crazy, and he feels at times I am very selfish. He is reading up on ADHD, so can see that I am often acting out of my need for understanding and to raise my self-esteem, but it is still an issue.
My biggest challenge is my sensory sensitivity. I feel that everything is too noisy, too uncomfortable, too crowded, etc. And I get really annoyed with modern life a lot. I tend to get angry and act as if others should accommodate me. I wish I could help it. That is where my selfishness comes out the most, but it is the thing I need the most. If I can’t block out the sensory stimulations I can’t function well.
Sorry this is so long, it is just where I am right now. I live in a city and want to leave for the countryside. Hubby isn’t sure, but we’re talking. Wish me luck!
Reply to ClarissaI am so sorry Clarissa, thank you for your openness and, I do agree (although I am not couples counselor or any type of counselor) with your therapist, if you are seeking such information and ways to improve, that’s not narcissism.
I also agree whole heartedly about sensory sensitivity. I tend to think this is even more difficult for people who don’t have it, to understand and also can lead to claims of narcissism when you refuse to go certain places, be in certain places or receive certain types of touches, or wear certain types of clothes, listen to certain music, watch certain types of movies etc… etc… it’s not even close to narcissism, but the uninformed and those who cannot empathize get these types of things easily confused with ‘you don’t want to’, ‘your selfish’, ‘don’t want to do things together’ etc… etc…
Have you been able to explain your sensitivities to others and find that they understand?
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonSensory overstimulation…it can be stressful when others don’t “get” it…
Reply to Katy B. "Miss K"I know someone who has ADD and who is narcissistic. He is very nice. He thinks he knows everything and it doesn’t matter if they have a degree in that field and have experience. He does what he thinks is best. Unless they agree with him they must not know what they are talking about. He has a business and he hates running it, and he runs it into the ground. He complains that no one does anything yet he insists on doing everything. The funny thing is that his big claim to fame and what he always says is ‘I am always right.’
Reply to CassandraYour comment about sensory overstimulation was a breath of fresh air. Mainly because I suffer tremendously from this. I have problems with my kids playing and the noises they make – it feels like nails on a chalkboard. I have tried to find answers and feel like such a bad mom. That I would be so pathetic to need quiet all the time. And the talking, OMG, it drives me batty because my daughter has ADHD and she talks incessently. I try really hard to listen, but its so hard. Once we went to stay in a family cabin with about 10 of my husbands family. We all had to sleep in this open bay and my only privacy was some sheets hung up. I was so upset most of the time because I could never get away from the stimulation. There was always a baby crying, someone talking and it was so stressful. I thought I was loosing my mind. I literally wanted to run out of the house. I remember lying in the bed a few times crying to myself quietly and wondering why I was the only one who seemed to need privacy and just time to myself. I also get overwhelmed when around large crowds – almost as if I am claustrophobic. I have not always been like this. When I was a teenager I loved going to clubs and stuff, so whats wrong with me now? The other thing that baffles me, is I love music. I love to listen to it cranked up loud, but yet I feel like going into convulsions when I hear my kids talking in the other room. What is wrong with me?
Reply to JCan ADHD persons exhibit a specific set of character flaws as well as immaturity? Might someone label these characteristics as NPD? Yes, and perhaps fairly so according to the DSM IV. But I don’t know that it is helpful.
ADHD may make learning about relationships harder, but with it or without it, we are expected to own our own behavior and not blame it on other factors. I explain to my 5 year old daughter using two hands, one hand is you (the dominant hand) and the other is your behavior. You must be in control of your behavior. Emotions are like strings connecting you (dominant hand) and your behavior (weaker hand). If you (dominant hand) don’t take control, these strings will pull your behavior all over the place. You have to remember they are just strings, take ownership over the weaker hand (behavior) and elevate it. The less mature we are, the more our emotions (strings) control our behavior. Our behavior can drag us down this way, causing all kinds of issues with our emotional availability to others as well as damage to our reputation.
Reply to KateI believe that for many with personality or behavior disorders, they simply do not realize that they do in fact have an ability to take control over their emotions. They never grow out of the model of emotions taking charge of behavior, and actually believe that they are powerless over the whole thing. For you and many others with ADHD (part of the dominant hand), it complicates this relationship between you, your emotions and your behavior, but you are not excused from it. That is the stark reality of life, that no matter what happened to us, we cannot let our emotions take the wheel and expect it to be a smooth ride of fulfilling relationships and a successful career. So the hill may be steeper for you, you may have to take it into account and you may mature more slowly than others. On the up side, there are a lot of qualities you have that others don’t, like that famous hyper-focus, which can yield great things.
I have to say that some may disagree with me that we do not have control over our emotions. Emotions matter, but they play second fiddle to our identity. We shouldn’t feel guilty over our emotions, we own them in that they are uniquely ours. However we can and must take control and responsibility for our behavior.