Sometimes a relationship needs to end
In today’s world it seems we are obsessed with couples counseling, relationship solutions and even medication that will make a partner behave better for the needs of another. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for improving relationships and finding the middle of the road that may help two people get their spark back, and recover long lost reasons for being together in the first place. And yet, there could come a point when we realize it just isn’t meant to be and we lose valuable time not admitting this.
I know, I have done it and I had a significant amount of emotional and mental investment, which I did not want to give up on. In the end it was the only solution that really, truly worked. To end it. It was the right decision, although one of the most painful and exhausting I have ever made. Today I am happily married and feel very fortunate for it.
Society has taught us that it is the absolute worst thing in the world to give up on a relationship. We are supposed to be together forever and ever, and well, ever and ever.
We are supposed to believe in happy-ever-after and sustained passion for a lifetime. The reality just isn’t typically that way. There are always going to be ups and downs, disagreements, unmet needs and irrational arguments, and, get this, it is not always the fault of the partner with ADHD.
Sometimes, you know, it might just be the fault of the other partner, even if they don’t have ADHD. Maybe they are too pushy, too correcting, and too perfect and want too much from any human being. It happens, believe it or not, and no type of medication or therapy is ever going to be enough to meet their needs or, much less, their expectations.
I am a romantic at heart, if you’ve been reading my articles, you know that. I believe that true love exists and it exists for everyone; however, it does not exist in every relationship. There are wrong relationships and we ADDers seem to find ourselves in the latter type far too often and stay in them for far too long.
In an upcoming article I will talk about the importance of meeting our partner’s needs and working towards understanding them better. I will not be contradicting myself, because, some relationships are way worth it. However, my point in this article is that some relationships just aren’t and the sooner we admit that, the soon we can find a relationship that is signifié pour être.
So what am I saying here?
Just throw in the towel?
Give up?
No, actually, I am not saying those things.
Sometimes, though, as I started this article out saying, there comes a point of no return and if we do not understand, or accept that this point does exist, then we not only take valuable time away from our own happiness and future, but we also hold back our partner’s as well.
There are also such things as toxic and abusive relationships and no one deserves to be stuck in such a relationship. The relationship doesn’t have to be toxic or abusive either, it can simply be wrong due to different values, beliefs or chemistry mismatches, which may have been originally ignored, perhaps due to initial passion or such highly synced sexuality that sometimes exists without anything else of substance involved.
ADHD does not translate into:
“It is all your fault, because you’re the one with ADHD.”
Now, let’s be perfectly clear here, I am not telling anyone to end any relationship at all, please don’t get that idea.
What I am saying is this:
All relationships have their difficulties. Everyone has differences and many relationships are more than worth it to salvage. ADHD can be a contributing factor in a difficult, or failing, relationship, even significantly, but this doesn’t necessarily mean it is the only factor, or that the relationship will be fine if only the ADDer takes responsibility. It takes two to tango, after all. Undiagnosed ADD did contributed to the divorce of my first marriage, but an earlier diagnosis would not have salvaged it.
To be more precise, what I am saying is that ADHD does not automatically, categorically, equal total fault or total responsibility on our part to make a relationship work. And sometimes, certain relationships simply aren’t going to work out regardless of any diagnosis, treatment or counseling.
What do you think?
~Bryan
PS: Remember, these are just my thoughts, I am not a counselor or therapist, just a blogger/author with ADHD!
