After reading what Bryan wrote to you, I agree with him that ONLY YOU can make the final decision on whether to break up or stay together in your relationship. Nobody likes to be in your shoes, but the truth is that many of us have been in very similar situations as you.

Breaking up can be so hard to do! Why do we spend so much time agonizing over it, feeling so frustrated, confused, angry, sad and torn into a million little pieces?

Jacquelyn, there may not be an easy and simply answer, but the one thing I want to suggest is this: WHEN IN DOUBT, DO NOT MAKE ANY FINAL DECISIONS.

What I find extremely helpful for me is to literally write down or type the pro’s & con’s of breaking up and staying together. By writing or typing all of the good, bad and ugly scenarios, it will provide you a clearer picture of the facts.

Do not force yourself to make up your mind by a specific date because this serious decision should not be rushed. On the same token, are you willing to spend one additional year in limbo and not make any decisions?

The most important question of all: Do you love this man? Does he love you? Have you discussed with him how you are feeling about your relationship and about his children?

If this stressful situation is truly affecting your mental & physical health, I recommend that you consider some form of stress reduction, such as yoga, exercise, relaxation techniques, professional massage, quiet time in prayer/meditation or professional therapy. Take better care of yourself and look for ways to seek peace of mind.

Take one little step at a time to address a concern of yours and to look for helpful ways to resolve it. Think about which concern is the most urgent issue and allow yourself to focus on that one concern.

By prioritizing your concerns, from the most urgent to the not very urgent, you will be able to gradually work on finding solutions and answers to make the necessary changes in your life. Take a deep, long breath, relax and take one day at a time!

Yes, I agree. Novelty is beautiful and delicious, gets our attention and is blinding. I tend to think we are a bit more primal during new relationships for a few particular reasons, but yes, the novelty is paramount, next to, dare I say, the S word? I don’t know, though, if it boosts brain function in a good way, because it sure seems we are more blinded than what is usual… caught up in the moment, led by instincts etc… just my thoughts, but, here again, we lead ourselves back to blaming ourselves, even if the relationship difficulties aren’t necessarily our fault, we in-turn blame ourselves for getting in the relationship in the first place, that we didn’t see it coming. Yep, hindsight is 20 / 20! However, I think we all can look back at situations and say “Should have seen it coming”, but wasn’t it good?! Yeah, until reality set in and we are saying “Who are you and where did that person I have been dancing in the clouds with go???” lol

Here’s something that I just read this evening, that sparked my memory about this post. …I just, by chance, noticed how this may apply to me.

Gina was writing the words of Harvard Medical School professor and psychologist:”Novelty is much more exciting to people with ADHD, so they can remain much more focused during courtship,” Brooks says. That is, the excitement can act as a sort of medication that boosts brain function.

Whatcha think?

I have also been interested in Gina’s blog, and the way the brain can affect our audio reception.

Sometimes it can be very funny, and let me laugh at my self, when I realize how silly I must have sounded, when responding to a question,statement,etc,,,. But funny may not be the word my wife if thinking…lol.

Scott.

That’s a good point; our ADD nature does seem to get us in trouble by jumping in a little, or a lot, too quickly without getting to know someone. You’re also right about Gina’s book, absolutely outstanding, as a matter of fact, her latest article on BlogSpot hits on another point about our ability to ‘listen and hear’ … whadya say? Need to get that fixed before ‘jumping in’ lol!

B.

I agree about ADD can’t be blamed for every bad relationship. Some women are just….ooops I better be careful! HA HA.

Seriously though, I’m not real sure, but ADD may have had some affect on my decision to marry my first wife.

But I did’nt know I had ADD at the time, and maybe if I had treatments and medication at a younger age, I would’nt have jumped in so quickly to get the stimulation of getting married the first time(to that woman). Just a thought, by an over-thinking guy.;)

Gina has helped me so much with her advise and her book, and I use it now to guide me away from trouble, that may occur with my obvious ADD symptoms.

Good article Bryan! It touches on a very touchy subject for me!

Scott.

Good information, though, and I have heard of successful relationships such as this and caring for kids; however, when it is a disastrous breakup…

Bryan

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and I sure, quite certain in fact, that you are not alone with this struggle. The fact that they are not your biological children adds an additional twist that they have already lost one mother. It’s not their fault, but who knows what their perception will be and how this will affect their future. It’s a dilemma beyond any advice and is truly something only you can possibly know. However, with that said, if the relationship is truly over for you and you are only staying for the children, I can admire, but what is this doing to you and your opportunity to meet someone you can truly live with and care for? What about Jacquelyn?

When I divorced I lost something extra special in that I was very close to her sister’s kids. They were about 6 and 8. I was very close to them and although, they have parents and I was only an uncle, it is the saddest and hardest part of the divorce that I never saw them again and even if for some reason I would see them now, I don’t think they would remember me the same way. It’s so sad. I know this is much different than actually raising children and having them call you ‘mommy’, but in a distant way I can feel your concern and, this factor did play a role in my consideration of getting the divorce because I didn’t want it to affect them or hurt them etc… Perhaps you can still see them from time to time? It won’t be the same and perhaps you need a clean break?

Personally speaking, if you’re in it for the kids’ welfare alone, and that’s clearly it, then perhaps finding a way to still ’see’ them is an option?

Bryan

Therefore, I personally believe that it is rather foolish and hypocritical for adult couples to use this excuse to salvage the broken relationship. In addition, I believe that it may do more harm than good to stay in a miserable marriage.

Here is a logical and realistic view of a family that stays together for the sake of the kids:

1) Mom & dad are fighting and arguing so much that they accidentally wake up the children who were sleeping or they are screaming loudly enough that the kids are aware of the heated dispute.

2) Mom & dad are not fighting, but they are never together. There is NO hugging, talking, kissing, laughing or family time. Dad is always working, busy, golfing, watching TV, fixing the car or occupied with something. Mom is so wrapped up in her own job, she is out with her girlfriends, she is busy doing volunteer work for the church or she can be found crying in the bathroom.

3) The kids do not hear any fights between their parents, but the tension in the home is so thick that you can cut it with a knife!

4) The worst scenario is that dad is drinking too much, behaving very aggressive, swearing, calling mom some very rotten names and he is very combative. When mom asks dad a question, he flips out and starts physically pushing her around. This is the worst situation, especially since the children are aware that mom is being abused both emotionally and physically.

5) Basically, what the children are learning is TOTAL DYSFUNCTION. The problem with this is that children are learning negative and violent behaviors in which they may grow up thinking that it is “normal & acceptable” to have a man push around and beat up his wife.

6) This learned behavior is unhealthy and could lead all the children to grow up to fall into the same types of unhealthy relationships. Yet, this is ALL that they knew……This unhealthy lifestyle was the most damaging.

If anyone thinks that they should SAVE their marriage ONLY because of the children, they need to re-examine the harmful and psychologically traumatic impact that this will ultimately have on each child involved.

Here is a logical and realistic scenario of a family in which the parents divorced and they have shared custody:

1) For the 1st week of each month, the children stay with dad. Their father is responsible for driving the kids to school and after school activities. In addition, the father is responsible for cooking, cleaning, supervising and spending quality time with each child, while they are in his care.

2) Dad loves his children and enjoys spending time with them. He takes responsibility to get involved with his kids and he keeps communication open between each child. His kids grow up knowing that their dad loves them and they can depend on him.

3) For the 2nd week of the month, mom has custody of the kids. During this time, mom is responsible for taking her kids to school, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework and taking the kids to after school activities.

4) Mom feels sad about the divorce, but she attempts to make up for this loss by spending even more time with her kids. Mom literally sacrifices time and money to be available for her children. She is openly affectionate and the kids know that their mom would do anything for them.

5) For the 3rd week, the kids are back at dad’s house and eventually they will adjust to this new way of living. It may not be easy at first, but in time, all the kids will accept that mom and dad no longer love one another.

6) Suddenly, dad is smiling much more and the kids are suspicious about how he is so happy all the time. Dad discusses with his kids that he met a new woman and is dating on a regular basis. One of the kids flips out screaming, while the other two say, “Wow! That is so cool, dad!”

7) During week 4, mom has the kids at her house and she takes the kids out for pizza and a movie. While at the restaurant, the youngest child mentions that daddy has a new pretty girlfriend. For the next hour, mom is crying in the restroom, outraged that her ex-husband replaced her so quickly.

Mom forces herself to enjoy the pizza and movie, but the rest of the night she is secretly fuming with anger. Her kids do not say anything, but they are aware that mom must be upset about dad having a new girlfriend.

For months and months, both parents continue taking turns with the child custody routine that is hectic & stressful, but becoming a natural part of life. As the children grow and mature, they see that both parents do move onward to start a new life.

Each child within the family acknowledges that both parents are loving, affectionate, supportive and actively part of their lives. Although, the divorce was a very unpleasant and sad experience for each child, as they mature, they come to realize the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship.

The make believe story ends on a happy note because the kids each formed strong bonds with both of their parents. Dad eventually marries and has more kids, while mom chooses to casually date for companionship.

The end result is that the kids are able to successfully heal from their parents divorce because both parents are actively a part of their lives. A negative situation is overcome by both parents balancing responsibility of parenting.

Bryan, I could very easily go off on another scenario, but I will stop before I get too carried away!