Comments on: Top Ten 10 Do and Don’t with your ADD ADHD partner

By: joe

joe — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:10:18 +0000

THANKS,
unfortunately, writing in English is not easy for me. But – it has been helpful, GREAT.
Thanks again,
Joe

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:23:47 +0000

Oh my Riri, aren’t you a rare treat

At first, I was thinking how in the world, but something you wrote reminded me when I worked in my father’s restaurant and he taught me how to properly wash the glasses, how to get them to sparkle and free of any smudges or soap stains etc… I became so focused on making them as clean as possible that it would take me forever to finish them, but I do remember enjoying the process… oh why did you have to remind me of this??? lol

Thanks Riri!

Bryan

By: Riri

Riri — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:19:47 +0000

Bryan,I like washing dishes; in fact, I can hyperfocus while doing it. But off course, I do it in a true ADDer fashion, meaning it takes longer than the normal time for cleaning because I like to closely observe if they are grease-free, clean, and shiny. Once my housekeeper (I have two at home, btw) was so impatient to see me doing the dishes until she took over the job and told me to just relax. So, for the ‘do’ list, I would modify a bit as follows:”If she likes washing dishes, let her do it at her own time and fashion, unless there is a matter of life and death interferes. And if you think she can hyperfocus more when doing dishes than when having your intimate moment, don’t be discouraged. It’s not you, it’s her. Seriously. After all, sharing such moment never equals to washing dishes and you are not a greasy, dirty plate.”

By: uberVU - social comments

uberVU - social comments — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:44:57 +0000

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By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:11:52 +0000

Inwardsea, I am sorry to hear that you are getting divorced. Having been through divorce myself, I know it is not an easy thing. With that said, the assertion that we know right from wrong, is mostly correct, as I see it; however, the assertion that we should be better able to control it isn't a fair remark and an obvious lack of understanding of what ADHD ADD is and how it affects us - yes, indeed with treatment we can improve and succeed, heck even overachieve in some cases, but ultimately we still have a lot to work with and overcome day in and day out AND this has nothing to do with taking responsibility or control, as in my latest post If we could fully control ADHD well, then we wouldn't have it, now would we?

I feel you and hope this goes as smoothly as possible for both of you. My thoughts are with you!

By: InwardSea

InwardSea — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:42:43 +0000

I sent this to my spouse. A couple of days later I asked her what she thought of this post and she said she agreed with some of it but felt the rest of the reasons were nothing more than cop-outs for irresponsible behavior, because “You’re all adults who should know right from wrong, so you should work harder to stop the behavior.” She also told me recently she no longer finds it possible to stay in a relationship with an ADD person. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the divorce.

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:40:17 +0000

You mentioned something, Dana, which I often need and that is time alone to regroup and think things through without interruption. A nice long walk through the park or the woods always does the trick. However, I must admit since I have been with Joan I need far less time alone as we have very good communication where we can talk about things while building each other up and comparing experiences. Her experiences interest me as much as my own and, quite honestly, I haven’t had that before… Now to work on the other list Patrick asked for

Bryan

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:34:05 +0000

Hi Katy, didn’t seem like you were dismissing such we know full well how difficult we can be at times

By: Katy B.

Katy B. — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:16:11 +0000

(I didn’t at all mean to dismiss that we ADHDers can be difficult to live with at times. Only to highlight that dismissing a person’s actual feelings out of anger, or in an act of manipulation is just plain not okay.One advantage to the ADHDer is that we really suck at hiding who we really are for very long…so…while I know we’re frustrating sometimes, non-ADHDers who choose us also need to own their choice to stay with us…and all that that entails.I’ve actually been on “the other side of the fence” in a relationship where my other had a totally different mental health issue. Didn’t break up with them because of their disorder, broke up with them because they refused any dialogue or communication with their mental health team about what wasn’t working, and in this case, their behavior without medication was actually very dangerous, so something had to be said. So…yes, a touchy issue…and yes, medication sometimes doesn’t work and someone has to say something, and it’s usually going to be the “non”. But there are plenty of ways to communicate about these things without dismissing a person’s very real feelings at the same time…anyway…I’m glad you posted these suggestions Bryan.)

By: Dana

Dana — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:15:39 +0000

Excellent list, Bryan! Just for fun, here is my own list:DO NOT:1) Do not take it personal when your ADDer partner forgets what you told them. If she/he says that you never told her/him about whatever it is, good chance that it when in one ear and out the other!2) Do not treat your ADDer partner like an irresponsible child or rebellious teenager. What an ADDer needs the most is sensitivity, consideration, respect, a good listener and encouragement.3) Do not think that the ADDer partner understands & comprehands everything that you communicate. Unintentionally, the ADDer may accidentally misunderstand the message because of the tone of your voice, the look on your face or not realizing that you were only joking. 4) Do not “baby” the ADDer by doing EVERYTHING for them. Instead, try to encourage the ADDer that they can actively try new things in life and learn a new skill. Allow the ADDer partner to gain confidence in themselves by accomplishing a task without you always being there to do the job for them.5) Do not ever think that your ADDer partner is able to process information when you are overwhelming them with numerous things to remember. Instead, ONLY ask one thing at a time and do not rattle on & on.DO:1) Do take your partner seriously if she/he states that they are experiencing an “ADDer Moment.”2) Do allow your ADDer partner to take a “time out” to escape the chaos and noise of social gatherings or the frustration of everyday living. Many ADDer’s need to spend time alone to “regroup”, to hibernate for “peace of mind” or to simply unwind.3) Do support your ADDer partner by attending a CHADD meeting or by gaining knowledge about ADD/ADHD. The more non-ADDer partners learn, the better equipped they are to help their partner to successfully manage their ADD/ADHD.4) Do understand that the ADDer is not using his/her diagnosis of ADD/ADHD as an “excuse.” This truly undermines what the ADDer is experiencing and causes unnecessary guilt, shame, frustration and anger. 5) Do praise, encourage and recognize when the ADDer partner successfully meets a goal or accomplishes something special. For the non-ADDer, some projects or tasks may appear unchallenging, very simple or like it was no big deal. Yet, for an ADDer to begin a project, consistenly stick with it and complete it, this is a major accomplishment for them!