In relationships there’s a lot of give and take. You give some, you take some and you give some more. It’s a simple and necessary principle of reciprocation.
The above sentence could just about start out any relationship book, but it’s not a very good starting point for a book about ADHD, love, relationships and sex – you know, together. ADHD brings something to a relationship which is unpredictable, frustrating and exciting and, even a bit intimidating from time to time.
I think it is a good guess that most people would enjoy stability in their relationship, with someone who is dependable, reliable and in this way somewhat predictable. However, although people with ADHD can be dependable and reliable to a degree, they can hardly be predictable, at least not from month to month and especially not from year to year.
What do I mean?
Our interests are constantly changing. I don’t know about every single person with ADHD, but I can tell you that my favorite color is not always blue and I do not always want to see the same type of movies. As a matter of fact, as time passes, there are movies, stories, places and even things which I have greatly enjoyed in the past, but I don’t want anything to do with those things now.
People with ADHD are constantly in flux, constantly attracted to new things, constantly searching for answers and looking for new experiences. This doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy and appreciate a long term relationship, even marriage, this just means that there are some things about us which will never remain the same.
Yes, I agree, these things I mention could be said of just about anyone with or without ADHD, but let me be clear here, some people, or, even most people, do change their behaviors, likes and dislikes from time to time, but with ADHD, it’s more than that. It’s as though we become different people after a time – some of our tastes, likes and dislikes can change so much that you could probably not buy us the perfect present with up to a year of prior planning. To get the perfect present, you would need to get that present with consideration of the here and now, what’s been mentioned most recently with some regularity? That’s what is more likely to please the ADDer.
For a moment, imagine an ocean’s waves crashing to the shore, if you watch closely enough no two wave’s crash against the shore exactly the same as the one before it, but all the waves come from the exact same ocean. Just as the Moon controls the tides of the oceans of the earth, so does ADHD control the constantly fluctuating behavior of those of us with ADHD.
I have ADHD, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes, well, I don’t. I am sure anyone with an ADHD partner feels more or less the same way.