“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
~Unknown
It’s a harsh reality in the ADHD world, but let’s face it and put it right out there in the open: insecurities are not attractive, not sexy and in no way come across as positive statements in attracting a loving, caring partner.
Ouch!
It’s a glaring hindrance to fulfilling relationships for many people with ADHD, especially for undiagnosed or untreated ADDers and that is “insecurity”. Insecurities come across in many ways and most of those ways are ‘in disguise’!
Here are a few of them:
- Jealousy
- Acting funny (when the situation doesn’t call for it)
- Teasing
- Arrogance
- Negativity
- Distancing (not calling, staying away or just being quiet)
- Anger
- Ranting
- Empty Promises
None of these things are attractive.
All are counterproductive which can ruin what could otherwise be good, lasting relationships.
If these things are counterproductive, then why do we do them? It’s quite simple actually; these are natural, protective survival skills that for one reason or another we subconsciously think work. These survival skills have resulted from compensating for the symptoms of ADHD. What’s worse is that many non-ADD partner’s blame themselves for the behavior of their ADHD partner and therefore, do not realize that these tendencies would, and probably have, happened even if they had been with someone else. It’s not about the non-ADD partner; it’s about the ADDer and his or her insecurities.
Non-ADDers beat themselves up trying to figure out how to understand and appreciate their ADDer. Why does he or she do this or that? – how can I maintain? – how can I carry some of the load? –how can I help? etc… etc… The answer, I have found and experienced, is a rather uncompromising one: Unless the ADDer resolves his or her insecurities and comes to realize that they are unhelpful and unwarranted, then the situation isn’t going to change too dramatically. It’s even worse if the ADDer is in denial, then you might as well run now – right? But, no, you can change him or her… right?
I have never understood this odd need to ‘change’ people. You can’t, you won’t and you never will ‘change’ anyone. I have said this before: people improve and they can modify their behavior, but no one changes who they are, or someone else for that matter, and BESIDES, aside from the insecurities, which are often founded in our behavior for very good reasons, we are not ‘bad’ people. ADHD does not equal bad, but I digress.
So here’s the point: Those of us with ADHD who also suffer from insecurities (most of us do) will find it extremely difficult to find fulfilling, life-long relationships. It is important to learn coping skills for improving distraction, accomplishing tasks and making it to appointments on time, but it is also just as important to work on one’s self-esteem. One of the most important aspects to becoming attractive and appreciated is to feel good about one’s self and not allow insecurities to ruin what could be…
The great majority of non-ADD partners I have talked with want to help their ADHD partner, but are unsure of how. The thing is, there is no perfect suggestion or tip for a non-ADD partner especially if the ADDer does not realize that their protective survival skills, which may have been necessary at one time or another, could be sabotaging their opportunity for something wonderful. People with ADHD are not impossible to live with or destined to never have a lifelong fulfilling relationship. Neither are they necessarily doomed to a life of unhappiness. However, for many of us, even us ADDers, it is nearly impossible to find long-term happiness with someone who is excessively insecure. At least, not as insecure as I once was.
ADHD plays havoc with us and the ones we love if untreated and some learn to counter their symptoms quite well, even without professional treatment. However, insecurities which have developed due to our symptoms for various reasons (chastisement, punishment, failing and many others) should be equally treated. Of course, I am not a doctor or a therapist, so my suggestion is if you have learned to cope very well with your ADHD mind, or, are on that road, consider all the ways you have learned to cope and the self-protection mechanisms you have created to get by and survive, or (and this was important for me) mechanisms that help you feel better about yourself, even in the eye of the storm of mistakes and supposed incompetence, then talk them over with your trusted doctor or therapist. It helps to have a guide to see clearly what once may have been helpful may have grown into something else.
My struggles, as a boy, as a teen and as an adult have been as much about overcoming deep seated beliefs about myself due to my behavior, as they have been about learning to cope with ADHD, even when I didn’t know what ADHD was! That’s a mouthful, even for me. For me there was an additional issue at play, and perhaps others have experienced this too: It’s comforting, in a way, to know I have ADHD and sometimes it gets rather easy to blame my ADHD mind, but sometimes it’s not the ADHD, it’s my insecurities, which are a result of, but are not, ADHD! - it’s not always easy to separate the two, but only when I learned to do that, which took therapy, was I able to turn the long corner and become a more positive, creative, healthy minded and constructive person.
~Bryan
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Hi Bryan!, This a very interesting post. Just to understand the meaning of the some words in the last paragraph. “it’s my insecurities, which are a result of, but are not, ADHD!” only the “which are a result of” part. Did you intend to put a “not” in front of result? …and leave out the “not” in the “but are not,ADHD!”….I am learning the hard way,(as you know) to look carefully at the meanings of a post. Thanks man, and great post again!
Hi Scott! How ya doing? I can see where that sentence could be confusing, but no, I didn’t mean any other way. We have ADHD and there are many ways we learn to deal and cope, there are also possible side effects of coping with the symptoms of ADHD such as depression etc… so what I do mean is that my insecurities are a result of dealing with ADHD and the ramifications of living with ADHD, but my insecurities themselves are not ADHD! I have dealt with depression and ADHD, but they are not one and the same, they are separate conditions with the only relationship being how they affect each other… does that make better sense?
Bryan
Thank you Bryan, I am doing well, and I understand the sentence now. You also mention how other things can come into play,(depression,OCD,etc.. to name a few)in your reply to my Q. This is something I have been trying to decide on how to explain in words, how these things are invovled in managing ADHD. Thanks again and very helpful to me as always. Scott
I am new here….but a babe learning to crawl, at 41!!!
This is a great site, it makes me feel….not so alone.
Thank You
And this article?? wow, do you have a special line to God or what?! It was just what I needed when I needed it.
Again, THANKS!
Hi Jennifer, thanks and welcome! No, your not alone, not by a long shot!
Love the article I just passed it along to 2 people one of them my daughter who is 19 and I love this article for my self being ADHD at 57 yrs young !
Excellent A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+
Thanks for sharing Leah! I haven’t received an A+ in a very long time
much less 8 of them!
Bests!
Bryan
Bryan,
Great article once again and so true. Going through 48 years of not knowing I had ADD really did make those insecurities really increase. I would feel like I could not do a thing without getting it wrong or would just give up. I thought I was stupid, incapable of having a relationship, filled with anger and so on. ADD/ADHD do not even know how to take a compliment when given one, because in the back of our minds, we do not believe we can do good things. That is a problem I find with many of the people that have ADD. For Non-ADDers, the one thing that I try and get through to them is how it takes us alot to focus and when you ask me a question and then the phone rings and someone else needs something else, that is getting in my way of focusing on what I was doing. This is my biggest problem and very hard to get through to people that can do 10 things at once. The rest is getting easier because I think that those close to me are beginning to understand more of what makes me tick. Counseling is what has gotten me through all of this. Pills only is not the only answer, but, combined with some good counseling can work wonders.
Thanks Bryan for bringing up this subject and I will be sure to pass around.
Mindy
I am glad to hear things are getting better, Mindy. That’s wonderful! In my opinion, you make a very good point, just because you do things differently, or need to do things 1 thing at a time, doesn’t mean that’s bad or wrong, it just means that’s the way you focus and stay on task best.
Oh please…insecurity is SO HOT, why else would I have dated all of the self-centered dinks I used to be so fond of…
Haha…
lol Katy, I am just glad that you wrote “why else would I have” which I hope means, you don’t do that anymore?! Good for you!
Sir, this is one of the better articles I have read in a long time. Found your site through a magazine about ADHD.
Excellent John! Perhaps it was the current edition of ADDitude Magazine
My book, The Brilliant Reality of ADHD is the Editor’s pick, which surprised me seeing as how they always review such excellent books so much better written than mine, in my humble opinion. Thanks for stopping by and enjoying this post, every now and then I write something which catches a bit of attention – I really don’t know where it comes from 
Bryan
Bryan,
How fortuitous. I found this website a few days ago when I was feeling extremely insecure and sad after screwing up one more time on the most important assignment in my master’s program–the final comprehensive paper that was a requirement for moving on to the oral exam.
I graduated with my first degree summa cum laud and was always an excellent student, in spite of my poor time management, but I have felt like a failure over and over and over again in the master’s program as my poor time management and prioritizing have gotten me into trouble over and over, in spite of medication and seeing a psychologist regularly.
I was feeling overwhelmingly insecure when I found this site because I had not yet told anyone that after all the years of everyone putting up with me taking so long to complete my program, I will not graduate until December now, and I am lucky they are letting me graduate at all, after turning my major paper in a week late–again with the tardiness after many previous problems, in spite of what I have felt was progress–but way, way too slow with the progress.
It is incredibly hard to know that when everyone–family, friends, acquaintances–seems to think I have been going to school forever, and have been happy to know that I am near the end–now I will have to tell them all that I messed up and will not finish soon after all.
I HATE my personality and wonder if I will ever be able to get control of things enough to feel like the last half of my life (I am 53) is not just a sad, continuous downhill slide from the first half, when I felt very satisfied and successful in my role as a mom and my other pursuits.
Great article, important topic, and great timing for me. I was hoping for a place where I could feel less alone and feel like there were others dealing with this sort of thing and making progress. And I think I have found that to be true.
Dear Dawn, although we have never met, I am so very proud of you. Did you mention you are a mother? Did you mention you will be graduating in December? A master’s degree of all things! That’s awesome. I know it has taken a while, I know it hasn’t been easy and I know people often wonder why we do this or that, but when it is all said and done, you have that degree in your hand, all the years, hard work, mothering and all those other things will have been more than worth it. Take the credit due and run with it. I have had the privilege to get to know so many people who have achieved their Master’s, their PhD, their Doctorate etc and with ADHD to boot. It’s a challenge for everyone in many different ways and many things have come against them in one way or another, but for some ‘insider’ reason they persevere.
What do I want to say with this? You go girl!
~Bryan
Dear Dawn,
I just graduated from masters degree last December, which I took for 5 years with a lot of misery. I didn’t know about my ADD until I was in the 4th year. So, when I found out, I had this classic feeling of both relieved and sad: I wish I knew about it sooner. So, I’ve been to all of what you feel right now. I hated myself, feeling down, depressed, hopeful, succeeded, and having another failure and back to condeming myself. So, just like me, I am sure you will also achieve this one. You have all what it takes to graduate, that is, determination. I don’t think you want to give up, because otherwise wouldn’t even waste your time venting here. You would’ve just quit. Am I right? While it is understandable that you are feeling hopeless, helpless, and useless, you should also be more balanced about yourself. Venting is fine, but I would suggest that you limit it to certain of time, let say, for 15 minutes only. Or, you can even have it the whole day. But try to keep it to that certain time. Once your tears are dry, you keep moving. Afterall, you have so much in your hands already. For one, you are a mother and that’s one hell of a job (I don’t have kids, but I figured). Taking masters degree, too is one hell of a job. So, currently you are taking two hell of jobs. That’s not easy to handle. I truly commend you.
Where are you now in your masters? If you need to, you can always contact me personally. I understand the lonely feeling that you are experiencing. But now that you are here, you don’t need to feel that way anymore. Maybe I can be of some sort of help.
You will graduate.
Cheers,
Riri
Ps. Don’t bother about what people say. It’s not a necessary burden for you to take. Stay focus on yourself.
Dear Dawn (and group of ADDers), insecurity is a powerful barrier to success and connection, so I’m delighted to see this conversation. Just now I’m struggling not to let insecurity ruin the most important new friendship in my life. Just naming it and being vigilant for the disguised clues has been most helpful. ADDers can find loved and happiness.
Academically, I can relate to Dawn & Riri. I finished my PhD 10 years ago, but after taking 10 years to complete it. I almost failed my general exams, because I couldn’t pace myself and estimate time… I got hyperfocused on some of the questions and couldn’t shift focus or prioritize under the stress. Sleep went out the window. What helped were grounding self-soothing activities that decreased my arousal level (being in nature, having another person to sit with and anchor me, walking etc.). I also tried painting watercolors for the first time (since I thought I was failing my PhD program, I reached for this hobby as my secret yearning that I’d put off for years). Oddly, learning to paint watercolors (on my own, with books and TV demonstrations) in the middle of perceived failure writing my general exams helped counterbalance me. The paint flows and dribbles in unpredictable magical ways. It gave me a wonderful metaphor for my life: be expressive, don’t worry that you can’t contain yourself, let yourself interact with life spontaneously, be transparent and reflect light.
Today I’m very proud of my dissertation, it took longer than most, but the results were impressive and I still use the knowledge I gained from that topic. I also kept my marriage together during those years -and only one other graduate student in our program stayed married like me. So focus on your strengths. We can go the extra mile. I’m a short person5′ 1″) -it takes me 2-3 steps for most people’s 1 step-stride… but I still get up the mountain and praise God at the top.
Dawn,
Like you, school was great until I hit upper-division courses. Then everything fell apart. I am currently writing my PhD dissertation and my director just told me it will be ANOTHER semester until I graduate.
It took me 10 years to complete my M.A.! I’m on the 7th year of my Ph.D. Some days I feel like a complete screw-up and failure about school, and the emotion is so strong that I want to hide from the world. The last 14 years have “played whaley” (<—southern term) with my self-esteem. I can TOTALLY relate to your frustrations and feelings. You're not alone, though it may feel that way!
The truth is that we're not failures. Academia can be an ESPECIALLY challenging environment for those of us with ADHD – the drop out rate in college is very high – and I'm so proud of us for sticking with it! Academia can also be a competitive and isolating environment when we (and our instructors) compare us with our peers.
We don't have to go through this alone, because we truly are NOT alone in our experiences! Since I now know MANY share our experiences, and since I believe this is a crucial issue in higher education that has yet to be examined, my dissertation is on ADHD and college writing.
I would love to chat with you more about this, as I think we share a lot of the same feelings and experiences. We could help each other focus on our ACCOMPLISHMENTS, as well as bringing a little kindness and reality to bear on what we may perceive as "additional failures." Write me!
Thanks so much Bryan for the comments, and Jacquelyn, I am so glad to hear from someone who has struggled with some of these things–not, of course, that i would WISH for anyone to be in the same boat, but I am sure that there are others who do have these struggles–and it is hard for those who don’t to understand. It is hard for ME to understand, when it applies to myself, even though I am perfectly able to see it in others and understand, from the clinical side (I am working on a nurse practitioner degree).
I am really glad to hear that you were able get your MA and that you are near the end of the doctorate, and what a great topic you have chosen. I would love to read your dissertation when it’s finished. One advantage of continued enrollment is access to databases, so perhaps when you finish, if it is in the dissertation database, it would be accessible through my school library.
And, Bryan, I do think it is the persistence that the key. It is hard to persist in the face of failure, but the rewards will never be achieved unless we persist to the end, and it is knowing what awaits if I do not give up that keeps me going.
Thanks to both of you for your service to those with faced with these challenges!
You’re welcome Dawn, you are not alone. I look forward to reading more about you and hearing about the days going forward. I have a feeling things are going to work out for you.
Thanks, Bryan- this one just hits home. Only recently, I have begun to realize just how my insecurity about my ADD relates to my constricted social life over the years. If you’ve read Sari Solden’s discussion of the “protect-connect continuum,” I would typically be pretty deep into the protect end of it! Basically, I’m afraid my ADD makes me too stupid to make any (or much) real sense of myself to new people, or that I will respond impulsively/repulsively to a question or thought someone may offer. I’m perpetually on my guard against the reckless remark that will label me a ‘flake’ or ‘too intense.’ Being somewhat irregularly employed and depending on family help makes it still worse. Any explanations of my situation would, I’m pretty sure, sound like tiresome excuses- so I avoid offering any. Sorry if any of this sounds overly negative- I’m just being as honest as I can. Life is difficult and challenging for most. I feel less stigmatized knowing that Jacqueline still struggles with that tenacious ‘desire to hide’ that sound all too familiar to me. I just keep challenging those internal voices that demean, and listening closely to the ongoing invitations to come out of hiding.
BTW, although insecurity is ugly when it’s covering itself, vulnerability can be quite beautiful when it’s risking itself.
Thanks again, Bryan, for your writing.
Erich,
First, ADD does not MAKE anyone stupid. Clearly, just reading your comment, you are far and away not in any way related to such a term. Please, leave it behind. However, with that said, I have felt much the same way in the past and I know where you are coming from. ADD is like that, the feelings, the reactions and the actions. We know them well, but there comes a time to move on, to something better, with awareness – of course.
I love what you say there at the end:
“Vulnerability can be quite beautiful when it’s risking itself.”
I couldn’t agree more!
Bryan
I think this is a really great conversation, and really helpful to me at the moment. I had my first appt. with a new psychologist today–a cognitive psychologist. I have had a psychologist who has helped me a lot over the years with many things and who helped me not to quit by encouraging me, explaining and reinforcing over and over that I am “not a failure” to try to keep me going when I was sure I was, but I think I have come as far with him as I can, and that was really brought home to me when I failed again. He is helpful for my feelings, but less so for the behavior, which is the biggest problem right now. IMPERATIVE to change the behavior.
I know from my nursing studies that there is plenty of evidence for the effectiveness of cognitive psychology for behavioral change and not much for other methods, and I had thought about a change before, but when the head of the nursing program told me that I had a problem that seriously threatened my ability to be successful, and then asked if I had “talked with anyone”–and when I said yes and she asked, after saying that she realized that it was not really her place to ask about that side of things, whether I had considered making a change and seeing someone else–I realized it was time to make the change.
That’s a hard thing to do after years with the same person who already knows your history in pretty great detail, but the prospect of seriously not graduating was enough to motivate me to go ahead and make the change.
I was impressed , at the appt.and think it will be a change in a positive direction.
Riri, I am glad I found this site because it is so very helpful to me to hear about others who have faced these same challenges and succeeded. My degree was supposed to take 3 years, part time. I am in my 8th semester and was supposed to graduate in May, but now, if I succeed whithout any more screw-ups whatsoever, it will be December–4-1/2 yrs. I am just glad I still have that chance.
Erich,
I soooo relate to your resistance to appearing to be making any excuses for yourself. I really struggle with feeling lazy and irresponsible.
Part of what the head of the nursing school said to me was that I had exercised extremely poor judgment (again) in not contacting any of the faculty about why my paper was late when I didn’t turn it in on time (I just uploaded it with the assignment tool when it was finally finished with an apology and an acknowledgment that I had messed up again and was ready to accept whatever consequence would follow.)
What could I say?? I had no justifiable reason. Allowances had already been given to me several times for the mental health issues, and yet, I was still failing to get the job done like everyone else. Allowances aren’t going to cut it in the real world with a job, which is the next step. So I did not make excuses because I wanted to accept consequences without excuses, which seemed the responsible thing to do. But I guess that was a pretty big error, since I have been told before that the faculty sees it differently. It is just EXTREMELY hard for me to do what feels to me like trying to excuse inexcusable behavior–what feels IRRESPONSIBLE, to me.
And I agree with Bryan. ADHD can’t make you stupid. But all the intelligence in the world isn’t worth much if you don’t have the personal skills to put it to use effectively. It takes both.
MontanaShepherdess–yes, you hit on what both my psychologists have emphasized, and what was emphasized at my appt. today. The psychologist said that taking the time for regular sleep, healthy eating without skipping meals, exercise, and at least some time for reward and enjoyable stress relieving activities is MANDATORY, not optional, for success.
I know that very well. It’s just the doing that’s hard, and it’s easier with someone else keeping track of my successes.
Sorry this is so long! Such good comments here. I am grateful for those who share their stories.