Impulsivity can lead to disaster due to blurting out thoughts never meant to be spoken.
Thoughts race through our minds, here, there and back again. Some thoughts don’t mean much, they just race by and have no concrete meaning, but every now and then, in the heat of a moment or in uncontrolled haste, some thoughts never meant to be said slip out and, as much as we would like to and as much as we try to explain and apologize, we can’t take them back.
We’ve all had that happen. However, let me try to explain something to any non-ADDer reading this. It’s called impulse control. Part of ADHD is a lack of impulse control and, as you can imagine (or not) we are quite impulsive. If something suddenly shines extra brightly in front of us and it is too expensive, outside of our budget, we may not consider the price or the consequences of making the purchase. It’s there, we are there and somehow, someway, we just buy it. That’s one instance, but with an easy solution called ‘refund it’. It’s a rather common one, but then there is one type of impulsiveness that isn’t explained away or taken back so easily.
There is a way the mind works that is as confusing as it is common. We all, ADHD or not, have thoughts that either float around in our heads, or race around, as in the case of ADHD they tend to race. These thoughts are not always rational, nice or accurate. They are just there. Some call these uncontrolled thoughts the pessimist within, or the Id, or the Ego, or the Super Ego (all have separate definitions [Freud], but we won’t go into that). Not all of these thoughts are self deprecating, some thoughts are about others and when spoken they come out as personal judgement or opinion.
There is a silent, unspoken rule in general society:
You can think it, but you can’t say it.
Have you ever said something you didn’t mean to say and wish you could take it back, but once it is out there, it’s out there and you must either try to fix the situation created from your words, apologize or walk away? Who hasn’t? In the case of ADHD, those thoughts which tend to race around the mind, but have no genuine meaning sometimes slip out into the world verbally. They aren’t meant to be thought, much less said, and have no true value to the person saying them, but because they are spoken aloud, they are taken literally and have very serious significance to the person or people hearing them, especially if those words have direction and specific meaning. For the ADDer, explaining that the words aren’t meant is nearly impossible. Once something is said, it is said and you can’t take it back!
Interestingly, there is very little, to no empathy for saying something or doing something impulsively, especially if it hurts someone. However, think about all the things you think about in a single day, think about some of the nightmares you have had in your sleep and they remain with you into the day – now, what if, in a moment while doing something, anything, you think of something, then look around you and realize that what you were thinking was actually spoken aloud. You didn’t mean to say it, it had no true value to you, it was just one of those random thoughts that everyone has. There’s no excuse for it. Your marriage is over. Your child’s feelings are hurt. Someone is crying, someone is devastated. You didn’t mean to say it… it had no value, until, until it was spoken. It was just one of those meaningless thoughts that pop into our heads.
Remember, again, that there is a silent, unspoken rule in general society:
You can think it, but you can’t say it. Even if you didn’t even mean to think it at all!
Remember this rule well. Unfortunately, this rule is difficult to abide by, being impulsive is a staple in ADHD symptoms.
ADHD is not an excuse; however, it is a reason for certain behaviors, such as with impulse control. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be ADHD. This, of course, is not to say that with awareness we cannot learn to control it better, or observe our behaviors better, because, we can and yet, from time to time, ADHD will get the better of us!
Have you ever said something and then wonder ‘Did I really just say that?!’
~Bryan
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Well said,Bryan. Impulse control,or lack of it,governs my weak attempts at humor or sarcasm,at someone else’s expense. It has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count.
Larry, has awareness helped?
What has helped,Bryan,is to stop being so damn amused by my own thoughts and observations. Before I blurt out something,I am laughing to myself. Now rather than compete with David Letterman and Jay Leno,I am now focussing on just being a nice,responsible,sensitive person,esp with my wife.
Oh yes, Larry!! It’s interesting how a moment of great wit, seems, well so interesting, but the looks of bemusement on others tells another story altogether. I think you are very wise indeed to focus on being nice, responsible and sensitive. Kudos!!
I have a problem with your question, “Have you ever said something and then wonder ‘Did I really just say that?!’” There aren’t enough hours in the day to list ALL of the things I’ve said and then wished I kept my mouth shut.
When I read this post there was a related problem that came to mind. I’ll call it “the embarrassment echo.” It’s the embarrassment you felt when you said something wrong and then, years later, whatever you said still echoes in your head – often accompanied by that same feeling of embarrassment. It’s like you are reliving that moment again and again.
What makes this worse is that, if an apology is required, it’s hard for an ADHDer to muster it up and then, when he does, it’s hard to be sincere. We spend so much of our time blaming everyone else for the things we do (until, of course, we realize that WE are the source of our problems) that apologies don’t sound sincere. For me, when I finally FINALLY realized that the world was not conspiring against me and I FINALLY realized the hurt I have done by opening my mouth, I was better able to control my mouth and, if something still slipped out, to offer a sincere apology.
I can so relate, Jeff. You really helped define the issue, especially the echo! You’ll see in my book how I talk about that and suffering from PTSD.
Thanks for stopping by!
Dear readers.
Impulsivity or Hyperactivity in adHd. How to control? Don’t control it, because there is another rule, people without ADD or ADHD have too. If hold it back to much, it becomes an issue and will fight its way through and even worse.
I learned to allow each impuls and cultivate the action. So I learned to my speed and creativity to cultivate. In that my impulses could be there and when acting I could shape it in the way I wanted it. So if I had harming impulses I could not use ” You can think it, but you can’t say it”. So I used, “I think it and say it without harm”. I made it a joke, an intelligent remark or a fact I just noticed. Later I could even justify, softening it or make it an incident.
So my remark: Don’t try to control it but learn to cultivate it.
I have to agree with Thom in some respects. Although it is not appropriate to blurt out everything that comes into your mind, it can be harmful to yourself and your relationships with others when you leave important issues unresolved. Having said that, I have found that for me it is best to initially control the impulse to blurt something out until I have had a chance to mentally rehearse exactly what it is I want to say. That helps me focus on the issue at hand and not go off on a tangent that will hurt the person I am talking to needlessly.
I have far less tangents now-a-days, but in the past I would go on and on, then walk away and hit my forehead, thinking why can’t I just hold my tongue?! Appropriate is the issue at hand, really. What we blurt and go on a tangent about usually isn’t all that appropriate
lol
You’re brave Thom, but I understand what you are saying. It takes awareness and plenty of time. There are many issues within the symptoms of ADHD that we must learn to adjust our behaviors to in order to cultivate a more positive, beneficial effect.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not put my foot in my mouth. I say I am sorry, but how many times can you say that?
I also tell people that know I have ADD, that is part of my life, you try and control it, but, it still comes out of your mouth.
If we look at your post on alone and this post they really go hand and hand.
In order not to say something, the only way to do that is to be alone and away from people.
Sometimes, I think that it is not the person with ADD that needs counseloring, it is the person that knows someone that has ADD.
I will try and stay out of trouble today……:}
Thanks Bryan for another great post!
Thank YOU Mindy… something else to carry around as a handout?
My tongue is very sore. But I’ve learned a lesson in life. Take the good with the bad. Bite my tongue. Now I am learning very slowly to bite my written opinion tongue.
Sometimes I have to take a chance if I see someone heading for disaster….better safe than……..missing a chance to help?
I can’t amends to people that are gone. Too late.
Oh, that’s important to mention Scott. Those who are gone and we can never take back what was said, even though we probably didn’t mean it. We can go back to the echo Jeff is talking about.
About the writing: what I do now-a-days is create a draft, save it and then post or reply late in the day or the next day. This morning, though, for example, I wrote a reply on Jeff’s site and was really too tired to be seriously replying to anything
See, I am not cured! BUT, I am much, much better!
Know what ya mean Bryan, I forget to do spell check and look at what I wrote before posting comments allot. I also sometimes have a pretty good post.
Wouldn’t be great to be able to “Edit Our Minds” sometimes? And have a teleprompter in our heads when we speak to people?
Actually, that’s an intriguing thought. Have you tried meditation, tai chi or yoga? Those things do help us sort of “Edit our minds”
Seriously, tai chi has been amazing for me! And funny thing, I barely know how to do it well, but what I do know, does help.
I’ve used some techniques I learned from self defence training, when I was a younger man, that are similar to those (physically).
I think these ones you suggested are well worth trying when it comes to self discipline of my communication. Thank You, Bryan!
Haaaaaaaaa…sometimes I love the stuff that flies out of my mouth. (Sometimes I don’t.)
The latest hilarity…I take my boyfriend to the ER last week. I’m sitting on his bed and he’s joking that it’s going to take so long for someone to get around to seeing him that we may as well make the most of it. Nurse comes in. Says she’s there to check his vital signs…as she’s putting a sensor on his finger to check his pulse I am suddenly confronted in my head with the comment “I think you’re checking the wrong body part.”…I tried to be good…and I didn’t say it…but I was sitting there on the bed and was suddenly doubled over laughing hysterically…and couldn’t stop…she finally asked what was wrong…I told her my ADHD meds had worn off, because dammit, if you can’t say it in a hospital, where CAN you say it…after she left, I told him and he thought it was funny to so then there were 2 ADHDers giggling relentlessly.
I really love watching him try to control his comments too…yesterday we’re visiting his parents and I notice as everyone’s talking that he suddenly gets his “I’m about to say something I shouldn’t” face, but he’s laughing in his head, then he’s nervous because he’s afraid he’s going to say it, then his mouth starts to twitch. You can always see it all right there on his face, a whole gamut of mechanical acts of restraint. I asked him what it was later and it really was a good thing he hadn’t said anything!
“When I read this post there was a related problem that came to mind. I’ll call it “the embarrassment echo.” It’s the embarrassment you felt when you said something wrong and then, years later, whatever you said still echoes in your head – often accompanied by that same feeling of embarrassment. It’s like you are reliving that moment again and again.”
JEFF: YES, TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.
And tangents…dammit…I really hate my tangents sometimes. I get really embarrassed about that.
Yeah Katy! I know you have Jeff have read my first book “One Boy’s Struggle” and within that book I discuss my life with ADHD, as well as PTSD, and I mentioned this issue about recalling a moment (saying something, doing something) and remembering it year’s later again and again, cringing, regretting. What I mean to say here is, isn’t it just absolutely incredible how closely we can relate. I know there are some who help us or assist us that don’t have ADHD, but it is so true that to know us, to understand us, is to be one of us, to live what we have lived and to experience the experiences we have experienced! What amazes me is that when I first wrote “One Boy’s Struggle” I had yet to meet you or Jeff, or so many ADDers like I have come to know and relate to over the last few years.
Amazing isn’t it!?!
Bryan
Having only recently joined this group (never having blogged or joined chat groups before in my life!) I am so so so so relating to all this… everything I read I relate to and Bryan, I could not agree more – that those who do not have ADHD cannot begin to understand nor describe what goes on in our heads every day. I have found it so frustrating when well intentioned friends say stuff like “oh everyone gets embarrassed by stuff they have said now and then” or “its perfectly normal for everyone to get a bit forgetful, its not ADHD” …”its just your personality, go easy on yourself”… “but you can concentrate – look at all the degrees you have” blah blah blah…
… I’ve just begun a wonderful journey of accepting who I am and your site is awesome and I am looking forward to purchasing your books, both those already published and especially the one to come!
By the way, just to let you know, even though diagnosed almost a year ago I was too chicken to search for stuff on the net about ADHD because of all the negative stuff I read initially and all the stigma, bad press saying its a made up condition. I actually stumbled across your site by accident – when my youngest (11 yr old) daughter – diagnosed 2008 – screamed at me one morning in one of her frustrating self-depreciating moments, “Mum, I can’t even get my hair right, I’m just a stupid ADHD idiot – not Einstein OKAY!!” and this particular time, my response was to say “hey many people believe Einstein had ADHD – sorry kiddo can’t convince me your stupid” I then promptly googled Einstein and ADHD so as to give her evidence that I wasn’t making it up.
When I later sat down to browse some of the sites that came up on from the google search many negative “it doesn’t exist” sites came up (of course) including one saying we are just harming our creative geniuses by labeling them and drugging them. I almost gave up reading stuff again… but somehow I got to your site … and I read and read and read …. And joined – That was a few days ago and it has opened up a whole new world for me! THANK YOU
Welcome to ADDer World Wendy, I am glad you found us! “ADHD doesn’t exist!?” What?! I am cured?! Oh, I never had it. Whatever! You’re with us now
Over time I have discovered there is a huge difference between the way we describe ADHD and those who do not have ADHD describe it, even when it comes to some without ADHD, but know the symptoms and behaviors better than I do! There’s emotion and personal experience missing from the inside. This isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, sometimes it is a good thing – depending on who it is coming from, of course!
I look forward to reading more about you and your life with ADHD!
Bryan
One of the worst losses of my life occured as a result of this symptom. I lost the best friend I have ever had, truly a platonic soul mate when I blurted out something hateful that I meant, but never, ever should have said to her in a total “ADD Moment” I have wished I could take back ever since. She had stopped by to chat with me after work one day and we were hanging out as usual when she told me that she and her fiance were considering having a child together. She already had two children and was not a very patient, loving, or giving mom to them at all. Without even thinking, I blurted out “Oh, for God’s sake, why don’t you figure out how to take care of the two you already have before you think of bringing another one into the world?” The look of shock and pain on her face after I dropped that bomb will haunt me for the rest of my life. She walked out of my house and out of my life that day and that was 10 years ago and not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed her. I am afraid to get too close to people now except my husband and kids because I don’t trust myself to behave appropriately all the time despite my best intentions. This is one of the biggest regrets of my life, and it is all very much a part of the wonderful world of ADD.
I believe that one of the most difficult things for parents of Hyperactive/Impulsive ADHD children to learn is to take the things that these kids say to you, no matter how hurtful, with a huge pound of salt.
It is one thing to say the first thing that comes to your mind and be embarrassed. That is bad but it is a complete ‘home wrecker’ when the first thing that comes to your mind is really dark, really angry, and really vengeful.
Many Hyperactive/Impulsive children cannot control those ‘home wrecker’ thoughts. They often feel so out of control and frustrated that they find it impossible to shake off this constant irritability that they live with.
It is almost like they have this terrible thing that is stuck to their brain, a crown of thorns, filled with negative thoughts, sadness, anger, despair. They blurt out that they hate you, that you are the worst parent in the world, and that they wish that you were dead, when what they really mean to say is;
“Mommy, the pain in my head is unbearable. I am so sad, so frustrated, and so angry that I cannot control the things that I say. I am trying my best, Mommy, so how can this possibly be my fault? Please help me Mommy, I am a child and children should not have to bear a brain that is so out of control and so difficult.”
Learning to hear those words instead of the words that the Hyperactive/Impulsive child is screaming at you is a skill that takes practice and patience but I believe that if a parent can master it, they may well be giving their child an ADHD treatment more effective and more valuable than money can buy.
Thanks for getting me to think about this Brian!!
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