Have you ever wondered about what success means to you? I mean, what it really means? Not just the definition, but rather what it feels like to be successful, to achieve something of significant relevance to you? I think for people with ADHD, like me and maybe you, the very word and the meaning of success is alien. We have read about it and heard about it and yet, rarely have we identified with it.
Are you successful?
If that seems like a loaded question, it’s not, but I think to a lot of us, it seems that there may be some hidden implication within the question itself. If you say yes, then you are lying and displaying conceitedness! How dare you! Bow your head in proper shame. That’s not the voice from someone else; as a matter of fact it’s not a voice at all. It’s a perception that many of us have. It’s a rather solid perception too, because without hesitation we can back it up with a long list of failures that will cut us to the quick faster than we can even think. But, there’s more to it.
ADHD is so widespread and common, that sometimes we forget how unique and complex it is. We forget that ADHD affects us beyond the normal range of symptoms that are involved. ADHD can have such a profound effect on our lives that too many of us become unable to identify ourselves with anything that we have done which is, or at least could be, considered successful.
Since I have created ADDer World I have met so many wonderful and, by what seems like all rights, successful people with various educational degrees – Associates, Bachelors, Masters and PhD’s and I have met Mother’s and Father’s, husband’s and wive’s, business owners and website designers, authors, bloggers and coaches, mentors and the list goes on…
And yet, I have rarely met those that feel they are successful.
At every level, most all of us seem to be doing the same thing – striving! But, for what?! That’s the question.
You could, for a moment, consider that in our culture to admit success is wrong, it is an unwritten rule – but no, it’s more than that, for me and others it’s a belief grounded within us and it comes from our very nature and if we don’t do something about it, no matter what we do, no matter how far we go or how much we achieve, we will never feel that we have been successful. Yes, the other shoe may very well drop tomorrow, but what you do today does matter, it does have significance and it is okay to admit that you did something well, perhaps very well, indeed. Just because tomorrow may bring with it mistakes and maybe a blunder here and there, it still does not negate something good we did today or yesterday! That’s easy to read, I know.
We beat ourselves up so much in preparation for our missteps to come that we hardly ever appreciate what we have accomplished. Some of us are striving so desperately for some unknown goal that we almost never stop and say – ‘Wow, I did that!’ I have won pool tournaments, but before I sunk the last ball I was already thinking of my ranking and how I could make it to the next tournament (hotel fair, paying for gas, entrance fee etc). It was never enough, but I tell you what – when I lost, I took full credit immediately, there was no hesitation to chastise and belittle myself.
Those of us with ADHD, most of us are so used to not meeting expectations and failing to accomplish the most mundane of things that we are relentlessly chastising ourselves. The crux of it is that a lot of us accomplish so much that others, looking on from the outside must think we are delirious with a need to overachieve! Then, and this is an important one for me, there’s the fact that what others consider achievement or success is not what we always feel or believe is successful. Awards and trophies may mean nothing to us, but a simple thank you may mean the world. I remember as a child that I was on a bowling team that was always number 1 and friends would think I was some kind of awesome bowler, but in reality, for the longest while, I was terrible at it and it was my handicap that helped my team! I knew the truth, so being on a number 1 team really didn’t mean as much to me as some think it should have. Winning a simple game of marbles in the backyard meant much more to me than being on a number 1 team in something I wasn’t really that good at! But nobody cared that I could play a mean game of marbles, even though at that time in my life playing marbles was the most delightful experience for me.
It’s easy to learn that the things that make us feel successful don’t mean all that much to anyone else. Besides, all the trophies I won as a child, which was recognized by others as successes were destroyed right in front of my eyes because I failed in other things of greater importance. I couldn’t win for losing and why should I identify with success when it is going to be used against me anyway? Doesn’t it seem that life and success feel that way more often than not? But, alas, we often feel as though we should give up and yet we don’t, but we strive and strive for what? Why don’t we take a sincere moment to answer that to ourselves, forget for a moment what others may want of you or what others think you should be doing with your life.
What do you want?
What does success mean to you? Can you identify with success?
Why do we all too often fail to recognize we have achieved something?
You know what I think – I think it would help if we stop for just a day, or at least an hour, from listening to the chatter about how we could be better, how we need to improve, how we need to get help, because, basically those things are beating us up like there is no tomorrow. The message comes in very clear, we get it: We are never enough, we are messed up, and we have a disorder! We get it already. How about we take a moment to recognize the things we have done well, the things we have accomplished! Write them down, shout them out and then tomorrow, we can go ahead and continue the self improvement we all seem to invest our lives in, all the while, sadly, ignoring what really matters to ourselves – even though we think that’s what all the so called ’self improvement’ is about.
You know what I am going to do today? I am going to go play a game of marbles.
What does success mean to you? Can you define it?
~Bryan
PS: As with all my articles, this is an imperfect article.
~~> If you enjoyed this post, plz share it via icons below. Scroll down to comment too :) Join us on the > ADHD Network < Also, enjoy this free ebook:
If I were sitting in front of the charming Dr. Cal Lightman as he mentioned the word ‘achievement’ or its other derivatives, he would notice anger, guilt, shame, and sadness altogether on my face (yes, I’m a big fan of Lie to Me). Me and that word somehow never cross our path. Indeed, people would say that it’s not true, because from the outside, I appear as ‘a woman who has everything’. In fact, few younger acquiantances dicreetly took me as their model. Ha! That even made me more guilty for being an impostor. Yes, I earned my Masters degree, eventually, but would you call it achievement if it took five and a half years to complete while others could do it half time? To me, and again, to ME, it sounds like desperation. Let’s say I’m good with words, which I think I am, but what is the good of it if it took me one month only to complete a bloody 500 word essay? It’s not an achievement, it’s SAD. I once told my friends that I enjoy poring over dictionary. And she responded with amazement that I must have known an awful lot of vocabularies. But, do I? I still don’t even remember by heart what ‘lucrative’ is! So, you see? Even these talents and passions seem to be useless when it comes to achieving.
But despite all those, I couldn’t stop either. Somehow I feel like a slave of my own dreams, my own ambitions. It’s not because I can’t give up, but it is more of because I don’t know how.
Riri
Ps. Why did you have to write such PS? We know none of the things in this world are perfect
Exactly Riri! You made the point so clearly. I think of you as a very successful person and you know that. However, the time it took you to ‘achieve’ your masters and the painful struggles along the road are part of what disable you from feeling as though you have achieved something – succeeded! And yet, I know and I am sure you know people who have taken much longer. A MASTER’s degree! That’s just amazing. And yet, to recognize it for what you have done to get there… it’s so true, isn’t it? It’s hard to allow a true feeling of attainment to reach our souls. But, know Riri, in my eyes and many others, you are a great success and I am so impressed with your achievement!
Yes, striving is what we do and do and do…
The PS was basically just something I felt was needed for this particular post, that’s all
Bryan
Hmmm…
Well. as with all good perfectionistic procrastinators – I’m working on it! I know I have success in some areas, but with far to go in others.
I have the super-sized order on my plate currently. Single ADD mom of 2 ADDers, I have gone back to school full time, trying to get back on my feet after a divorce and mega-financial woes, and start up a new business. Last year I had to rely on financial assistance for the first time just to put food on the table, and it was a humbling experience.
I decided to go the new business route after a bad bout of depression & stress made me almost incapable of performing the job I had that I’ve always hated – a desk job attached to a headset with set breaks.
So, I would say I am successfully finding my way. I realized that I had to make some hard decisions and work hard to achieve what I ultimately want. Plus, I’ll have to go back to trying to find mate material later on. Life is currently calling.
You really do have a lot going on Renee! You phrased it perfectly “I know I have success in some areas, but…” It’s very hard for us to really just take in what we have accomplished without actually acknowledging how far we have to go or what we haven’t completed yet. I think it is amazing that you have 2 children and going to school at the same time. I happy to read that you are successfully finding your way; I sure want to hear more about that…
Bests,
Bryan
Sometimes just getting through the day is success….as someone has is great and starting things and not finishing…eg….a university degree, knitting things, washing never folded….(you know the story) as well as dealing with a lifelong history of anxiety/depression/OCD, and then being landed with a diagnosis on top of that of ADHD, I just feel tired and overwhelmed a lot of the time. My children 19 and 22yrs also have ADD and depression/anxiety though thankfully have been spared OCD. So I read people who achieve so much inspite of their ADHD and so I tend to feel like I am still not acheiving. But I realise must not compare outselves with others. We each have our unique struggles
Helen, amen to that! Getting through the day can be a major challenge from time to time, or more frequently for us ADDers! Feeling tired and overwhelmed is all too common, isn’t it? Although all people with ADHD have it difficult and challenging, I think mother’s really have the most challenges and it’s just amazing what so many of you are accomplishing. Raising kids – what can be more amazing than that???
Still, I think too many of us cut ourselves short from taking a moment of appreciation because we start thinking about all the things we haven’t finished, all the things we started then gave up on, so anything we do finally accomplish seems so, well, over-due and anticlimactic… doesn’t it?
I sincerely believe that if we can find ways to start taking a little credit here and there we may find ways to help ourselves discover a more constructive pattern by reusing the traits which helped us finally achieve something of value to ourselves. I think one of our problems is that we have difficulty repeating our successes, so they are so far between each other that we do not get any kind of learning repetition. In other words we forget or do not recognize the habits we utilized to achieve. However, if we do recognize them and maintain them, I think we can find ourselves achieving more often by utilizing what works and not repeatedly using what doesn’t work. Unfortunately, that’s part of the problem with ADHD, we forget, we get distracted and we are creatures of habitually using the parts of us that don’t work quite as well.
Bryan
That’s one of those questions that really makes me wonder how does an non-ADDer define success since my inner demons won’t let me be “rewarded” when its appropriate. Its so weird that you should write this article at this point with what’s been going on with my job. I’ve always felt a simple thank you means so much more than a paper award. Why is that??
I recently had a manager change at work and have a manager in training while they find someone experienced. The previous manager I had I always felt had my best interests in mind (and I was very upset when said he was leaving), but after he left certain things played out and I didn’t feel very appreciated. To my surprise the manager in training I have gave me some very positive feedback that meant more to me than all of the other negative feedback the other manager gave me. An auditory “you’ve been rated successful, keep doing what you’re doing” meant more from him than from the last one who kept telling me “you’re inconsistent, this is what you need to change…”.
After thinking about your article Bryan I guess I need to go back to this manager to let him know how much his simple words meant to me. I still don’t know if I know what success means in my mind. I just have to keep telling myself that I’ve come a long with in such a short time at this job. That I need to give myself a break and not be so harsh on myself.
Hi Cookie,
I think a ‘thank you’ is a very personal way of letting someone know they have done well. Too many of us miss that growing up. Living a life of not finishing things, getting in trouble, not doing homework – this list is endless; it just is so refreshing to be instantly recognized in such a personal manner. Besides, negative feedback is sadly the norm, but not always as constructive as those giving it would hope.
I think it does help to let those people know that their words of appreciation are constructive and appreciated, more often than not it will show in the things you do in the future…
Bryan
Oh ! My god ! It’s such a great subject !
All my life, I felt I was a “looser”, even if I up on stage for singing, in front of many dozen of people, even if I became finalist at writing contests, even if a teacher of mine already told me I was bad in English and now, I can easily enough communicate in this language with all of you… even if I have got a Bachelor degree (It took me 4 years after have received removal threats?) and decided to be a stay-at-home mom and never had sisters and brothers and made baby-sitting! I always felt a looser even if I quited a violent man and returned to school the next day after a miscarriage to finish my studies, even if I saw some of my articles published in well-known publications and even many people of my entourage find me intelligent and cultivate !
Yes, I feel I’m a “looser” and as I accomplished nothing because I have quited and been fired of so many jobs and now, my friends and my family look at me in a strange way or without any interest, because I dont work and have difficulties to manage my daily life!
Oh and I forgot one thing ! I feel like I’m a “looser” because I have differents dreams of the majority of the people, like being a best-seller author and travelling all over the world !
For the normal people, writing books and being an artist is not a job, so, I feel as I’ll never know success…
Véronique, I know it is hard to take any satisfactions from our little successes, but know that you are not a loser! Not even close. If you like writing books and being an artist then please don’t let others bring you down with their ideals. Peer pressure sucks us dry and all too often causes us to do things we would rather not, or we would not even consider.
Bryan
I can so totally relate to this post. I have a master’s degree and am a licensed psychotherapist because, like Riri, I am good at words, and I am also good at school. However, none of these achievements has seemed to translate well into the working world, where I get bored, restless, and overwhelmed after just a few months doing any type of employment. For the past 13 years, I have mostly stayed home with my kids as a way of hiding from my perceived deficiencies and now, at 41, I am feeling like I have let my fear and inadequacies define me. Had I decided to stick with a career path even though it made me anxious and uncomfortable, I believe I could have been successful. In my unwillingness to push myself out of my comfort zone, I have clearly failed to succeed. However, on a positive note, I have decided it is never too late to change gears and I am starting to gear up to re-enter the working world. Had a kick-ass interview yesterday (as an ADDer, I interview REALLY WELL, ,it’s that wonderful ADD charisma, I suppose) and was on a high all day from that. Now I wait to see if I get the job, and then go from there. If I do get it, sticking with it through thick and thin is what I am going to push myself to do. Middle age is a great time to decide to succeed, and I am going for it. I have a lot to offer the world and am excited about putting myself back out there. Excited and scared, but not scared enough to hide again for another 13 years this time. Thanks for the great post, Bryan.
Hi Tere, sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment, but hey, after reading it you’ve got me excited!! I am not suprised you interview well, especially after reading this. Let me know how it goes and what’s next in store for you
Bryan
I’ve been fortunate to experience many encounters in my life, with what I would call success…however, this week, I’m measuring my victories on a very minute to minute basis. I’m about to graduate with a Masters and I’m totally burnt out on school, and totally in a yucky, ADHD headspace about it. I’m pushing through but I’m bored, grumpy, and challenged in a way that I’m not enjoying. Just one month to go…and this weekend I’m getting a TON of stuff done…so I’m happy to announce that I just finished a huge chunk…and that’s my success for the weekend…as I start the next chunk…BLAH….
Well Katy, congrats! And WOW, just a month to go? That’s just about the most awesome news! Keep hanging in there and continue to count the… uhm… chunks!?
Bryan
Throughout these last few years, my life has changed, and I’ve accomplished much. But I always have the feeling that it’s not enough, or maybe I’m just trying to over-compensate for the years of negative feedback of “you won’t, you can’t, why bother…” comments and looks given to make you feel ashamed and inferior.
I’ll tell you what I do know and came to realize over time and many painful experiences… success can be measured in different ways.
How I dealt with those yesterdays, and how I deal with today.
I’d explained it to one of my music teachers this way after he made the comment “You SHOULD know this!” Tears welled up in my eyes and I angrily wiped them away because I was embarrased. My reply was “No, I should not know this, rather this is something I need to learn.” Success, I explained was getting to class on time… without having to take a taxi, success was pulling away from every class learning something new – even if it was only one thing – it was something. Later that week I’d sent him an e-mail and clarified how I learn and why.. hence educating him about ADHD, hoping he’d gain some understanding. I understood his frustration, for often I am frustrated with myself. I have to remind myself to be patient. I also thought that sending the e-mail and talking to him was successful… he started to teach me differently, trying to figure out what worked best for me. Success, for both of us.
Hmm… success. I could tell everyone all that I’ve accomplished. But I won’t… not because I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but because it would take away from the topic at hand… what success now means to me.
Success is not feeling like I have to impress anyone.
Success is remembering to do self-care and to have thought myself important enough to have done it.
Success is teaching my children invaluable lessons about giving of oneself – without the expectation of a thank you in return.
Success is learning to appreciate what you have without thinking you need more.
Success was and is accepting ourselves for who we are and were meant to be.
Janice, what an excellent, and I meant EXCELLENT list of successes! I think it is so important that we discover some kind of clear understanding of what success is to ‘ourselves’, because if we don’t we may strive all of our lives and never think we’ve made it anywhere.
You also mention something of great importance: Your teacher finally took into consideration that you learn differently! That’s so important.
A few years back I had a wonderful boss who I discussed my ADHD with, I explained what makes me tick and he was wise to use that information to get things out of me I never dreamed I could or would do, as a matter of fact all of the writings you and others have read from me may never have come about if I had not had that discussion with him!
Thank you for your comments; they are wonderfully informative and helpful.
Bryan
Hey Bryan,
I was talking with my manager tonight to tell him thank you for the positive feedback he gave me a couple weeks ago. I could see from the look on his face that he appreciated getting that positive feedback from me. I finally feel like I’m getting to a better place at work after getting much more positive feedback and recognition since my first meeting with my new manager.
So I posed that question to my therapist- ‘what is your definition of success’? She told me the definition for her life was status. I could see being in the psychology field why she thinks that. But she also said that she thought that constantly striving for something better is a good definition.
That being said, I’ve been striving all of my adulthood for something better. Most especially while in college working on a bachelors. I’ve been rolling it around in my mind thinking about it – starting school again and finishing that bachelors. I guess you could say we’ve all been striving in getting better via counseling and/or medication, so that automatically makes us all successful. You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Indeed Cookie, indeed, well said.
My question to you is: What does achieving your bachelor’s mean to you? Have you thought about how it will feel and what you will then be able to do with it? The reason I ask is that I think we sometimes strive for something and don’t really understand why we are striving for it and then when we achieve it, it doesn’t seem to mean as much. However, if we take a moment to really define what it will mean and why we want it, we may be better able to appreciate it when it does come. What do you think?
Bryan
PS: I also wanted to say that it is indeed gratifying and fulfilling not to only receive a thank you, but to also give thanks in return
Good for you! You’re going places… aren’t you!?
Hi Bryan,
I finally finished my blog post that was inspired by this post. It spilled over into two posts, actually, but I think I may have finally defined “success” for myself . . .
http://lifeischange.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/fear-of-success-and-the-importance-of-hope-part-one/
Thank you, Bryan.
I checked your aricles out LIC and I think you did an awesome job! I really liked how you summed up your conclusion. btw: I created a PDF for this article. You can find it here: http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/06/13/downloadable-pdf-files-of-articles/