I created ADDer World, the ADHD social network not just to create awareness of and about ADHD. - Nearly everyone is already aware of ADHD unless they have been living in a remote area without TV, the Web or Newspapers for the last ten years. The problem is something else. Most do not fully understand what it is or the people who have it. That’s where the real problem is, understanding and relating. I created ADDer World so folks with ADHD can come together and discuss things we ‘get’ together. A lot of times we are not looking for specific answers or specific solutions, we just don’t want to be alone, or worse, feel like we are alone.
The truth is we don’t have to be alone.
Everyone has problems with or without ADHD, we all have issues and differing dynamics and most people simply focus on their own situations and how they are going to make it from one day to the next. It’s very ADHD-ish one might think, but I don’t think that’s as accurate as many believe. Within the ADDer World I have met so many people who do care about others, who seriously consider the needs of others, often above their own, which can lead to its own detriments. The problem comes with what to do about it, or how to show it. They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus, well, ADDers are from an ADDer World and non-ADDers are perhaps from Norm World. Relating to each other is quite difficult most of the time.
There is an overwhelming belief that people with ADHD are inconsiderate and take no notice of anyone else, but themselves. I am starting to seriously question this type of thinking. Yes, we have a distracted nature and we are often inwardly focused. Even so, I believe that ADDer’s in general are hyper-aware of their problems and dynamic issues, even if they don’t always know exactly what they are or what to do about them. I believe that we want to be better and, in our own ways, most of us strive to be better.
When someone has been discounted, disrespected, punished and abused and used enough, becoming distant is natural, becoming self-protective is natural and unfortunately, to stop giving is natural too. So, it’s not always just ADHD, there’s often a lot more to it. A lot of good folks who did care have stopped caring or they are getting there, outside the ADDer World.
Medication does help with the symptoms of ADHD, but giving someone a pill or suggesting it so they can get over their disposition for the way they have been treated due to their confusing behavior, isn’t the answer. There’s another answer and it’s far more complex, such as compassion, empathy and an educated understanding of what ADHD really is. There are very special, understanding, caring non-ADDer’s out there, but they are too few and far between.
The John Wayne era of get over it, move on and toughen up is coming to an end, I think, and although there are still millions suffering in silence, ADDer’s the world over are seeking proper treatment, but then comes in those who would dictate what proper treatment is for you or insult how you view and/or treat your situation, or they might insult your differences if you are not following their beliefs - considering that, why would anyone want to tell someone who doesn’t understand or get it?
Awareness, my friends, isn’t enough. Medication isn’t enough. Counseling isn’t enough. Self-help isn’t enough!
All of those things clearly help us as individuals, but the missing links of understanding, relating and compassion may be beyond the capability of most of the Norm world, outside the ADDer World. Check out any major online newspaper with any article about ADHD and you will find comment after comment from folks who clearly do not understand and do not attempt to understand ADHD, but too many do take a moment to tell us how ADHD doesn’t really exist. Some believe ADHD is a fad, or it is made up by pharmaceutical companies, or that certain people need a good excuse, but what this shows more than anything else is the common lack of compassion and thoughtfulness in the modern world, which has become somewhat of a fad itself – that’s not ADHD-ish, that’s something else entirely and it is an unfortunate, less than brilliant reality.
Still, we are not alone.
We simply do not enjoy being alone, or feeling alone, but sometimes it seems that is the only choice. Who wants to be degraded by someone who doesn’t ‘get it’ or told to take your meds as a reactive comment, even though meds are a good option, helping many get along and/or excel. It’s easy to feel alone in the Norm World and that my friends is why I love our ADDer World, because we might not have all the answers, but we ‘get’ each other and we do care! And let’s not forget that there are indeed very special, understanding people out there who do not have ADHD, but they also care and they are a part of our ADDer World too!
We are not alone, no, never alone!
~Bryan
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There is an interesting issue here that I think we ADHDers need to think about. It is analogous to the issues in the deaf community. There are those OUTSIDE of the deaf community that want to do whatever is necessary to repair the deafness, that is, make them into people who can hear using various surgical techniques and implants. But from the perspective WITHIN the deaf, they see nothing wrong with themselves. They WANT to remain deaf. (This link has more information on this issue: http://www.cochlearwar.com/forum/deaf_view.html ) To some degree this is the issue we face within the ADHD community. We want to be understood as ADHDers and accepted as such. The outside, non-ADHD world, wants us to be more like them and, on some level, we too want to be more like them. But we also know that we see the world differently from non-ADHDers. We also know that we have limitations as to how far we can go in terms of being like them, yet we do not want to see ourselves as being defective…hence the “gift of ADHD”. (I’m not implying we ARE defective, per se, but…that’s a different debate.)
It is likely that, except for those who know us quite well, there will always be some sort of separation between the ADHD and non-ADHD world. We will always be perceived as “different” and some of our behaviors will always be interpreted – by non-ADHDers – in a negative way.
No, we shouldn’t feel alone. But, alas, that’s how I feel. While this site has been very helpful for me to reach out, to feel understood, and get support, I still think that the support and understanding from people around us is crucial. I sometimes feel jealous with my friends who immediately get support when they vent or unleash their problem. While me? I remember the first time I told my friends/family that I might suffer from depression, and their reaction was either of the following: (1) Frowning as saying,”You??? Depressed??” (2) “Sorry, I don’t know how to deal with depression” (3) “Oh, don’t think about it!” (4) Smiling, as if I just said something silly.
Now, how would you expect people to understand when your first attempt is already sabotaged?
Sorry, I guess I just re-wrote the same thing that you said above. I’m just in a bad mood…and feeling so lonely.
Sorry Riri,
Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t pay to talk about it with certain people. Although we expect some kind of understanding and empathy, maybe even a little support, it doesn’t always happen. People react in their own ways. I have found it to be much better to seek out those who do understand, because if we try to get something from those we know will not support us then we are going to receive more pain. We can’t make anyone be what we want them to be, sometimes it’s better to not expect it of them, because, in the end we will just feel more alone and let down.
People are people, if we know certain people think a certain way and are not interested, or care, then it is best to go another way. It may hurt, it may feel like betrayal, but in the end – people are people.
Bryan
Bryan–you hit the nail on the head. And that pic is so sweet–where did it come from? I put it on my computer desktop.
Jeff–thank you for that comment. It’s really helping me think in new ways about differences, community and culture(s).
lisa
Lisa, search for the “Little Prince” via Google Images and you will find larger versions and many other versions. “The Little Prince” is a wonderful book btw!
Thanks Bryan, I needed your words this morning. It’s like you gave me a hug.
I feel like I have been the whipping post this week.
Every word I said this week I had to follow it up
with “I’m sorry”. The worst part I wasn’t really
sorry I was worn out from listening to how much
I had screwed up and found it easier to say I’m sorry than to defend myself.
What is really hard for me is that the people I
care about the most DON”T GET IT! They say
they do but their behavior proves different.
Does this happen to any one else? Alot of the
articles you write I send to my family hoping
they will get it and I never hear any follow up
on any of them. Like thanks for sharing or that’s
good to know, Nothing! So after about a year
of sending these I was mad and I emailed them
and asked them if they ever read them and if
they weren’t interested let me know and I would
stop sending them, no problem. Not one word
from any one even when I asked them. So I stopped sending them just like they wanted.
Don’t stop writing Bryan, I always read what you
have to say and look forward to your message each day. Thank you!
Hi Sally,
Unfortunately, I really don’t think this is all that uncommon and seems Riri was speaking of much the same above. We can’t make some people care, no matter how much we want to and to try forevermore just seems to cause more pain and anguish. In a perfect world things would be different, but alas, this isn’t a perfect world and as much as we want others to accept us for the way we are, maybe it’s best for us to start by accepting others for the way they are first and let go of the need for them to understand.
I will keep writing, you keep on reading
Bryan
Bryan,
You share a lot of insight with us. Like most other ADDers, I have thought and read a great deal about ADD. Sometimes I am more confused than before because of the different ways ADD affects each of us. I read your blog as referring to awareness of others, but I also think we think our awareness of our own ADD will be the solution to our problems. I am 66 years old, and was officially diagnosed about 10 years ago. I have been successful in business, and even more so since I began therapy and meds. For some time now, I have been quite open about having ADD and depression. By my being open, I have been able to encourage many others who have ADD or depression, or who have children who have ADD. It is especially gratifying to be able to help a parent understand a child with ADD!
I know quite well that I still have ADD, and have coped and used my ADD abilities to advantage. Some of my coping mechanisms have actually been in learning to replicate social skills that I see in others, because I am pretty smart, like many of other ADDers. I can observe and essentially act like I have the skills. For example, I learned how to be outgoing, even though I was very uncomfortable. I observed and learned that many, if not all people in unfamiliar social situations are very uncomfortable. So I learned to go up to people who looked uncomfortable and engage them in conversation. My goal is to make them more comfortable. I ask questions and LISTEN to their answers. People think you are a great conversationalist if you let them talk about themselves. That keeps me from talking too much and boring people.
Even with the success I’ve had, I still have many self-doubts, although I do not show them. I still care about what others think of me, probably as much as ever. I don’t know how to REALLY overcome my years of disappointing others, of underachieving, of feeling out of place. I can appear to do so, but the reality is I am still the same person inside. At least by focusing outside myself on the needs and comfortableness of others, I can feel accomplishments.
Sounds to me you are very wise Dave! I think we can learn much from you. Do share your insights with us as often as you like
Thank you for your efforts in behalf of all us ADDers.
I had a visceral reaction to this blog, because of what’s been going on in my life in the past year. I am 66 years old and have ADD, was diagnosed about 7 years ago. I was in a relationship with a very good man, 70 years old, for the past year, but we recently broke up for about the 4th, and last, time. He has never been officially diagnosed or treated, but he has the most extreme case of ADHD I’ve ever experienced. He has a tremendous amount of energy, which is offset by a hyperactive nature that is often difficult to be around. When he was a child he couldn’t sit still in school, and took off whenever he could. Finally, his alcoholic mother locked him in his room for several years, until he became old enough to get out on his own. Of course, no one knew about ADHD back then. He learned virtually nothing in school, and learned basic reading in his early twenties. His hyperactive nature includes being very emotionally reactive, then reflecting later on and regreting much of what he said and did. Long story short, I couldn’t handle all this, so we are no longer together. Not surprisingly, he has no close friends. I guess this is a rather extreme example, but kind of ironic since I myself have ADD – but not the H – and my compassion wasn’t enough.
Hi Leah,
I am sorry to read about this, but to your credit it shows how much you care for this man. That said, we all have an amount responsibility to the people we love and live with. If he was not willing to seek an official diagnosis and assistance, then by all rights, you can only do so much. You can lead to water, but you cannot make anyone drink. ADHD does not exclude us from responsibility. Seems to me your compassion is enormous, but his responsibility to you did not meet you half way. I hope I read your comment correctly. Being compassionate does not translate that you must accept any and all behavior, or for that matter live with it.
Bests,
Bryan
Hello. I am brand new to this site so I might be beating a plumb dead horse; saying what has been said ad nauseam. If so, I am sorry. Part of what is so heinously flawed about our predicament, in my opinion, is that it is Invisible. With other disorders or disabilities, the hardships are largey obvious ( wheelchair, hand signals, missing limb: 1,2,3,?,a seeing eye dog, even talking to oneself of the mentally ill persuasion, flapping of hands, and so on). The hidden-aspect of ADD almost seals our fate , doesn’t it? of judgement over tolerance, with no possible regard to effort or level of difficulty, much less heart, soul, and intentions. Our foibles are unfortunately obvious while our disability is hidden. “I’m sorry” , then, is permanently and habitually at the ready on our lips, at least mine. The denial of the existence of ADD is particularly upsetting when it comes from those closest to us, largely because it is a a condition which, more than most, begs compassion and understanding. Is there another condition requires the ’sufferer’ or ‘affected’ to defend their disadvantage? Or live with the punishing consequences in silence? regularly? Conny
Very, very well put, Conny. I think you just spoke for thousands upon thousands with ADHD around the world!
~Bryan
I may be submitting this missive twice because, not for the first time today, I find myself stumped. I can’t figure out how to erase one. But then being buffaloed by what requires no thought nor consternation is par for the course. ‘Sorry. Conny
All,
I am new to the site as well. I appreciate everyone’s poignant comments.
For me, as Bryan, my childhood was rough. As many of you, I am emotionally sensitive. It strengthen the inward focus you discuss. Adulthood has been undoing the issues from my childhood as well as trying to live a life of significance.
I agree with Dave’s post, the answer for all of us is to realize our ADD gives us strengths that allow us to have meaningful lives. We need to focus on our strengths and manage our weakness. But also, to be easy on ourselves.
I agree with those who say that we live in a linear world. We think differently. It is not wrong just different. I hope to share my life example in the future.
I think this site is great. We need each others support.
One of the things I like about this website is that you always find an article that seems to touch on whatever you’re experiencing in your life at that given moment . Sometimes when I’m thinking about what am I going to do with my future I feel all alone.
When my family members ask me if I’m going to finish school it makes me feel all alone because I don’t know how to explain how I feel and not seem like a failure for not following through (at this point its partly the poor economic status and my degree ties in with the construction field – I don’t know if I should start all over in a different field or just finish it and have a great amount of educational debt).
I totally agree meds, counseling, self help, and awareness are not enough. But when I visit this website I can guarantee someone here is experiencing what I’m feeling at this moment – when I scroll through responses that seem to echo what I’m feeling it no longer makes me feel so alone.