Should I have a child or should I not have a child, that is the question.
And I have an answer:
Thanks, but no thanks. Or, to be clearer: No, I do not want to have a cute, little adorable one of my own; I do not want to nurture or raise a baby of my own.
This question has come up more times than I can remember and my answer has always been the same. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when I have felt a little sentimental and thought, oh what would it have been like to raise a small child into an adult, but then as soon as someone says ‘Hey, you’re not too old’ well, that just ruins the whole thing for me and I remember, quite quickly in fact, that I do not want to have a baby. Nope. Yes, accidents happen, but ADHD or not, I am clever enough to not let such an accident happen. There are some things I can focus on quite well.
I have always been up front about my decision and I have absolutely no qualms about it. Yes, I have stopped relationships from blossoming because the desire to have a child was so strong in the person I was seeing. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I choose the word: fair. It’s better to be honest than to skip around it and say how nice it would be, when I really don’t mean it.
I like to think I am a practical person. When you have ADHD, learning to be practical is a big step in the right direction, as far as I am concerned. Yes, I do allow way too many whims to take control of me from time to time, but this is one that has never caught hold and I have many good reasons why. If you own my book “One Boy’s Struggle: A Memoir” (it’s affordable and might save you even more than you realize) then you have in your possession more reasons as to why not than I can possibly ever convey in a blog post. Even so, let me explain myself a little bit here. I highly recommend anyone with ADHD and co-morbid conditions considering children to read my book first! Not necessarily to sway you, but rather to give you the other side of the story, sort of speak.
I have ADHD. I have co-morbid PTSD and Depression (well, the depression isn’t as much a factor as it once was thanks to therapy). It is my belief that when one (me particularly) decides to have a child it is not just a desire to reproduce and carry on my name. It is much more than that. It’s a decision about the rest of my life, but even more so it is about the life of the child, notably the quality of life he or she will have. It’s well known that ADHD is hereditary, as well as many other health conditions. Can I maintain and care for a child with ADHD? The answer is simple and clear to me: No. Even before I knew I had ADHD, long before that I already knew that my inherent issues with distraction, impulsiveness and forgetfulness would not be conducive to creating a home environment that would benefit any child, with or without ADHD.
Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit? Perhaps you are right, but I am not willing to put it to the test and what’s more, I do not have the desire to put it to the test. I may talk about how I have come to see my ADHD in a positive light and how I can use many of my ADHD traits to my advantage and that’s all true, but let me be as clear as possible, I still would not wish my conditions on anyone (except for maybe my charm, you’d enjoy that)!
A few weeks ago my decision came through to me clearer than anything ever could. My young nephew, who has ADHD something fierce, especially the “H” part, finally pushed himself too far and hit his head with such force that he had bleeding in the brain. I can never describe the few days that passed agonizingly slow for my family and especially my younger sister. We didn’t know what would happen next and he went into a comma. I am happy to report that he is now at home and doing much better. I will be honest with you, I don’t know how my sister does it, but she does, and amazingly so. She’s better suited than I am, in more ways than one.
Yes, it is true that we don’t know what we are capable of until we try, but it is my humble opinion that I must evaluate my situation before I decide to have a child and I have done that. I have met too many people who have let desire take control of them, passed on their hereditary conditions and then get in so deep that disaster after disaster strikes, some have lost their children either to the law or in some cases, even death. And I have seen some of those same people decide to try again with the same results or even worse. I know I am being rather extreme here and this will upset more than a few people, but it’s important to me to seriously consider all aspects which may be possible given the circumstances. At the same time there are resounding success stories. Both my nephews, from my little sister, have ADD and ADHD respectively (each their own), and they are the most wonderful kids in the world! My sister is truly blessed to have them and I am just as blessed to have them as family. However, I could not do it and such a decision is not something to just ‘try out’.
Am I so wrong? Actually, that’s not really a question is it, because in this decision I would never truly ask, especially not in the hopes that someone would sway me. Each person must make their own decision on whether to have children or not and it’s a very personal decision. I can’t control (nor would I ever want to), who looks at what facts or what considerations when it comes to creating a human being that must be cared for, nurtured and raised into a healthy, vibrant adult. However, I do have control over my own and it’s my choice. Joan is already a wonderful mother to a brilliant young adult, and she understands, appreciates and agrees with my decision. Although I know she would take up all the slack and take care of our baby as if it ruled the world, but – would that be fair to her? We are happy together, as we are.
I have far too often been told that I should have children so I can know what is like to raise a child and be a responsible parent. Is that really a reason I should have a child? I think not. Again, not fair to the child, the mother or even, for that matter, me.
I have the greatest, most profound respect for mother’s and father’s the world over, especially of children with ADHD, ADD and LD’s, Autism etc… You are the most amazing people in the world! I wish you the utmost of success and happiness, that’s just not for me and in this respect, for those of you who can do it and do it day in and day out, you are wonderful, courageous people, indeed. Hat’s off!
Aww, don’t make that face at me. 
~Bryan
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Reasons for anyone to have a child:
1. Determine if you can function during the day with only three hours of sleep.
2. Determine if you can tolerate various unsavory bodily smells and waste products.
3. Determine if you can hold a baby in one hand while cooking/cleaning/shopping, etc. with the other hand.
4. Determine if you can be calm after putting on your tuxedo and have the baby spit up all over it.
5. Determine if you like to have Cheerios, lolly pop sticks, candy wrappers, mushed up granola bars, etc., buried in the crevices of your automobile seats, living room sofa, etc.
Please keep in mind that I’m referring to the early years…I haven’t even gotten to the fun years…ages three to forty-seven!
On a serious note…I’m not sure if I would have had children if I knew, beforehand, that I was ADHD. There is an important “however”…especially since I have children. Unlike my own parents, I know full well what is going on in my child’s life *especially* because I recognize so much of my own ADHD in my children. If they are depressed, if they are angry, if they are defiant…I know the source of those issues. Long term…even though they will have issues because they are ADHD, they will NOT have some of the same issues I had since their parents (me and my wife) understand what motivates them. That’s a type of knowledge my parents did not have when they were raising me. Perhaps my life would have been different if they knew what was going on “under the surface” and could have guided me accordingly.
One word of advice: never, ever let anyone talk you into having children. Once you have a child…you cannot return it for something else. Having a child is like crossing a bridge that only allows traffic in one direction. You cannot go back to the other side. (I apologize if I sound like a parent…it’s hard not to once you become one.)
Excellent points Jeff! I think that’s so true about your ability to understand what motivates them and they are not ‘bad’ children. Knowledge is power and you have LOADS of that!
I never wanted to get married or have kids either. I thought that kids deserved a better parent than I could ever be. Then I married my husband (he’s awesome) late in life and didn’t discuss kids. I didn’t think about it and he assumed that I wanted kids too. So, for his sake we have 3 beautiful daughters. Having our girls changed my mind about kids – I thought about having a bunch more – until all of my girls and myself were dianosed with ADD. I was so devastated that I had passed this on to my daughters! No more kids for us. Fortunately they have mild ADD and don’t struggle like I did. And, they have parents that understand ADD very well. Glad I have my daughters – and they are doing well. But, no more for us.
I am happy for you Brinmar! I am sure, like with Jeff, your understanding of ADD helps raise them with the proper considerations. It takes a lot of time, care and understanding. You have my greatest admiration
Bryan, I admire you for sharing your personal life with us. Your views are exactly what we need to pass on to all ADHD children and families.
I love my daughter dearly but I know if I had known I was ADHD at the time I was considering having children I would not have chosen to due to the risk of ADHD. I did know I was not suppose to have another child because I was able to be honest with myself and face the fact from experience that another child needs more than I have to give. I didn’t know why at the time but looking back I am so thankful.
One thing you mentioned that so many people don’t think about is the possibility of the co-morbids that can accompany ADHD. For ME ADHD is just a small part of what came with it. I have always thought I was so fortunate that my daughter did not inherit my ADHD but now as I have more knowledge I am not sure that is true.
I am looking at my ADHD in a different light as far as what kind of parent I have been for her. I was fortunate enough to provide for her and teach her the does and don’ts. She has good values and etiquette and we gave her a good education etc. but the emotional part was tough. Many times I have not filled her needs of hugs or being there and saying the right things or being able to help her with homework because my ADHD lacks the sensitivity or knowledge to give those needs.
I am looking at our relationship in a new way. She is an adult now and she resents and is in denial of my ADHD
Thanks Sally, I hope you and your daughter will find reconciliation together. I know that denial of ADHD makes it difficult to bring across what you are dealing with and have dealt with, but I think your willingness and perhaps your efforts to explain and reconcile will eventually mean the world to her. ADHD denial is unfortunate and it clouds up the situations and concerns even more than they already are. Denial also increases resentment, anger and condemnation.
I hope you two can find a way to meet in the middle and resolve the past. It is possible, but alas, it does take 2.
Bests,
Bryan
Bryan, only you know what you can handle. I agree with Jeff, don’t let anyone ever make you feel pressured to have children.
Today the standards for parenting success are higher than ever and the job is probably more challenging than ever. Not everyone is well suited and I applaud anyone who respects their limits.
As the oldest of 5 who spent my whole childhood and early adulthood trying to fill the parent role for my brothers and sisters, and also being a live in nanny for years, I had enough! I truly love kids and part of mission in life is to help prevent child abuse. That’s why I prefer supporting people with ADHD to be able to be better parents through learning to value themselves, be compassionate with themselves, manage stress, organize, etc.
I know I would not have the energy to do what I’m best at if I had the stress of a special needs child in my life. I’d be the one hiring help!
Growing up – as you did, I completely understand how big a job reparenting yourself is. It’s taken me many years to truly develop the self esteem that effective parenting might have given me. I so admire your courage in bringing up in controversial topics like this.
Rest assured, you are not alone!
Hi Ariane, that’s a very insightful comment. You do make an excellent point about hiring help if a child is special needs, but I think the majority of people cannot afford to do that. It’s so easy to get caught up in the desire to have a child and not seriously think it through, but thankfully I have had the ability to think it through, and as you point out, it has a lot to do with my situation growing up as I did with undiagnosed ADD.
I also admire who you have become and the ease with which you have made it look, but we know how it is to look like a duck on top of water, all calm and natural, but underneath paddling like crazy!
Bryan
Bryan – Thanks from me too about this subject. I read the other contributor’s comment and agree with most everyone, however, I also want to point out a theme in them – people said that if they knew about there diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, they would have possibly chosen NOT to have children. BUT all of those people who did have children are thankful for them.
Secondly, yes, it is tough to think, that those of us with ADD/ADHD are passing on this genetic condition but let’s face it – no one has control over the genetic traits passed forward to their children, so feeling guilty for something that you are not in control of is a waste of energy and time.
I think Jeff’s example about how he and his wife can be good parents because they are aware of the diagnosis in themselves and their children is the way to go.
I also adamantly agree with everyone here who has recognized that children are more than a legacy or name bearer. Children are a gift, in fact, all life is a gift. Those who choose to have them or can have them, if they are prepared to give it there best effort, will reap a new sense and appreciation for the deep love that we are all capable of if we open our hearts to do so.
And in saying that, those who do not choose to have children, can still be great partners to those parents and children as aunts, uncles, mentors, friends, in ways that add to the quality of children’s lives, and sometimes in ways that parents cannot, b/c they are busy with providing the basics.
I have ADHD and for a while was struggling with these issues myself. I have now decided two things, as a currently single person in my thirties (the count down is on…hehe): 1) that I’m going to let go and let God – meaning I’m not going to focus on will I have children or not anymore – and just try to live positively regardless; 2) That I know, as Bryan does, that there are parts of me that will definitely affect my ability to parent well and provide consistent love and structure to a child. So, I think to myself, since I’m acutely aware of my situation, and needs, and limitations, and abilities, if a child is to happen, I will need to be with a partner that knows me well, respects me, and will help me fill in the gaps.
Lastly, I think if I had to choose between being a parent and being in a so-so relationship vs. being in truly loving relationship with no children, then I would pick the latter.
One of my fav quotes I think says it all that no matter who you love (your children, children of your siblings, friends, or another human being), love them with intent and intensity. That is what matters. Peace to all of you!
“Love everyone as God loves each of you, with intense and particular love.” – Mother Theresa
Hi Kerry, reading through these comments, I think they are very informative and helpful to a lot of folks. What has annoyed me is when I make my decision known (when asked) it is often taken as some kind of affront, but I am not getting that here at all (or at least not yet).
“Lastly, I think if I had to choose between being a parent and being in a so-so relationship vs. being in truly loving relationship with no children, then I would pick the latter.”
Bests,
Bryan
I don’t agree with the worry that we may hand down ADHD to our children. I am not ADD, but my husband is & I never saw it as a bad thing. I think of the many great traits our ADD daughter has inherited from him, like her creativity & her ability to multi task. She would not be the same person without ADD. I cannot see the possibility of handing down ADD/ADHD as a reason to not have kids…..not like say, having Cystic Fibrosis or AIDs.
That being said, the choice to have or not have kids is everyones right. I know plenty of people who just do not want kids & have had a happy fulfilling life without them, whether they themselves have ADHD or not.
So true, Dawn. Your husband is a very lucky man and for that matter, so is your daughter. As you say, it is a decision each person must make. My point as a whole, at least for me, is that the decision is based on more than desire and ‘what would that be like’ it is based on my condition(s) and the quality of life a child might have etc… Besides, the child might be lucky and only have mild ADD, or no ADD at all. So, in the end it comes down to how can I cope and maintain, and how much will I rely on someone else to pick up the slack? But, that’s one person’s thoughts and considerations (mine). Thanks for sharing with us, it is always so nice to hear from someone without ADD who has found someone special with ADD and a wonderful child also
so, ah, refreshing!
I had the patience to read ur post but not the comments from the rest of the members.
I agree with your views and i have decided to do the same. But the urge to bring up a child is so strong that i would like to consider adopting a child. Bryan your views please.
Hi Sanju,
This post is about me, so to continue that angle – I do not allow the urge to be a factor for me (urges usually get ADDers in trouble), so my question would be – what is the difference from having your own and adopting? Can you maintain and provide and allow the child to grow with care, understanding and a good quality of life? That’s what I ask myself, anyway.
Bryan
Sanju, one thing that I have found as a foster parent who is considering adopting my latest foster baby is that some of the foster babies (including this one) are MUCH easier than my own biological kids. My own kids, like me and my husband, have ADD, and they are a chaotic handful. My foster baby has no symptoms of ADD and is pleasant, sweet, quiet, patient, and calm. And she is a toddler!!! When my own ADD kids were toddlers, they were on a mission to destroy my life and almost succeeded, so it has blown my mind to see how different it can be with “normal” kids. If you have your own and pass on the ADD, as I did, you are in for a wild ride. If you adopt a child with a different genetic background without ADD, it can be an entirely different experience. My foster daughter would make anyone want to have kids (except maybe Bryan–ha ha!) If you do adopt, get a good medical and mental health background on the parents first because a child with mental health problems is going to make your life very, very hard for a very long time.
Bryan, My husband was shot almost 2 years ago…in the head. Thank God he lived is home but a traumatic brain injury takes a long time to heal & he has severe speech issues, weakness on the right side of his body, and a lack of judgment. Anyway, my point is that if you had asked me 2 years ago if I could step up & provide the care he needs & have the patience to deal with all the set backs, the loss of income, etc, I’d have probably said no way. But when it happens, you just do what you have to do. You don’t stop to think about it, or worry about it, you just do it. I think we as humans are hard wired to just do what needs done, even if its something you never thought yourself capable of. My husband is ADHD & hes a great father. Oh he has times when he gets caught up in what he’s doing (I’m talking pre brain injury here) & forgets he had plans with our daughter, or when he seems so caught up in his own thoughts that he kind of blows her off when she tries talking to him, but he loves her & anyone can tell that. They used to go on camping trips together (without me & yes, they made it home alive..lol), play video games, he even wen t to parent teacher conferences (although I did most of the talking). I think anyone can do anything they need to do, ADHD or not, if they find themselves in a situation.
I still believe having kids is a personal choice, but I don’t agree that having ADHD makes a parent incapable.
Oh my Dawn, I am sorry to hear about the situation. Puts a little more perspective on how amazing you are. You are absolutely correct in that we never know how much we can do or how far we can go when sudden situations happen. So true. Your husband is truly a lucky man to have someone such as you, in more ways than can be mentioned here.
We are all far more capable than the credit we give ourselves, aren’t we?!
Bests,
Bryan
I think that whether people choose to parent or not parent, they need to seriously consider their own strengths and limitations. ADHDers and non ADHDers alike, but especially ADHDers.
Children are capable of producing, with regularity, lots of scenarios and needs that can test our limitations something fierce. Ex: my boyfriend’s 4 year old is WAY fond of overhead light…I can’t stand it. So…I compromise and find times when we have the lights off, and other times I simply have to allow the little guy his BRIGHT ANNOYING LIGHTS…haha
That said, as an ADHDer who is about to become instant step-mom to three young children, I’m pretty excited about it. Giving birth to my own children has never been at the top of my list of things to do in life, but this is a good time for me to share my life with my sweetheart’s awesome kids, and I have always enjoyed children. A few years ago? Maybe not so much…I just feel much more aware of my own abilities and imperfections in a productive way these days…treatment has allowed me to really learn a lot and learn to sort of manually steer myself more effectively. I’m simply better at knowing when I need some space these days too, and when I might just need a few minutes to unwind my brain, which is really helpful.
However, I find the kids really easy to focus on because they’re just so stimulating! What better fun for a hyperactive mind like mine, than unpredictable, brilliant children to challenge me!
It is so ironic that I just read this post today (late) because not even an hour ago, I had a very emphatic talk with both my children about how hard parenting is with ADD. They both know they are loved and cherished above all else in my life, but they also know that it doesn’t come naturally to me and that good parenting is the result of a huge outpouring of my time, energy, and attention. Since both my kids have ADD, I have already started talking to them about what they want in life and whether or not having a family someday is something they should consider. At this point, both my kids say they don’t want children and I am frankly relieved. No one ever had these talks with me and I have two children who drain my energy every day of my life and I want them to make an informed choice that I never had. Bryan, I commend you for managing to avoid a reproductive “oops” due to poor impulse control. I can’t say the same for myself, unfortunately, and will live with the impact of that carelessness for the rest of my life. My life is rich and full as a mother, but it could have been rich and full and SIMPLER as a non-parent, too. Falling into parenthood because of an accident or failing to really think about it first is just plain dumb and I am ashamed to say that with all my college degrees and professional licenses I didn’t manage to make a more informed decision about the one thing that matters the most. I strongly encourage all ADDers out there to think long and hard before becoming a parent.