Comments on: To be a Parent or Not to be a Parent http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/ Bryan Hutchinson's thoughts about ADD ADHD Attention Deficit Disorder and other stuff Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:44:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: tere http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35726 tere Sat, 24 Apr 2010 19:33:53 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35726 Sanju, one thing that I have found as a foster parent who is considering adopting my latest foster baby is that some of the foster babies (including this one) are MUCH easier than my own biological kids. My own kids, like me and my husband, have ADD, and they are a chaotic handful. My foster baby has no symptoms of ADD and is pleasant, sweet, quiet, patient, and calm. And she is a toddler!!! When my own ADD kids were toddlers, they were on a mission to destroy my life and almost succeeded, so it has blown my mind to see how different it can be with "normal" kids. If you have your own and pass on the ADD, as I did, you are in for a wild ride. If you adopt a child with a different genetic background without ADD, it can be an entirely different experience. My foster daughter would make anyone want to have kids (except maybe Bryan--ha ha!) If you do adopt, get a good medical and mental health background on the parents first because a child with mental health problems is going to make your life very, very hard for a very long time. Sanju, one thing that I have found as a foster parent who is considering adopting my latest foster baby is that some of the foster babies (including this one) are MUCH easier than my own biological kids. My own kids, like me and my husband, have ADD, and they are a chaotic handful. My foster baby has no symptoms of ADD and is pleasant, sweet, quiet, patient, and calm. And she is a toddler!!! When my own ADD kids were toddlers, they were on a mission to destroy my life and almost succeeded, so it has blown my mind to see how different it can be with “normal” kids. If you have your own and pass on the ADD, as I did, you are in for a wild ride. If you adopt a child with a different genetic background without ADD, it can be an entirely different experience. My foster daughter would make anyone want to have kids (except maybe Bryan–ha ha!) If you do adopt, get a good medical and mental health background on the parents first because a child with mental health problems is going to make your life very, very hard for a very long time.

]]> By: tere http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35724 tere Sat, 24 Apr 2010 19:26:33 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35724 It is so ironic that I just read this post today (late) because not even an hour ago, I had a very emphatic talk with both my children about how hard parenting is with ADD. They both know they are loved and cherished above all else in my life, but they also know that it doesn't come naturally to me and that good parenting is the result of a huge outpouring of my time, energy, and attention. Since both my kids have ADD, I have already started talking to them about what they want in life and whether or not having a family someday is something they should consider. At this point, both my kids say they don't want children and I am frankly relieved. No one ever had these talks with me and I have two children who drain my energy every day of my life and I want them to make an informed choice that I never had. Bryan, I commend you for managing to avoid a reproductive "oops" due to poor impulse control. I can't say the same for myself, unfortunately, and will live with the impact of that carelessness for the rest of my life. My life is rich and full as a mother, but it could have been rich and full and SIMPLER as a non-parent, too. Falling into parenthood because of an accident or failing to really think about it first is just plain dumb and I am ashamed to say that with all my college degrees and professional licenses I didn't manage to make a more informed decision about the one thing that matters the most. I strongly encourage all ADDers out there to think long and hard before becoming a parent. It is so ironic that I just read this post today (late) because not even an hour ago, I had a very emphatic talk with both my children about how hard parenting is with ADD. They both know they are loved and cherished above all else in my life, but they also know that it doesn’t come naturally to me and that good parenting is the result of a huge outpouring of my time, energy, and attention. Since both my kids have ADD, I have already started talking to them about what they want in life and whether or not having a family someday is something they should consider. At this point, both my kids say they don’t want children and I am frankly relieved. No one ever had these talks with me and I have two children who drain my energy every day of my life and I want them to make an informed choice that I never had. Bryan, I commend you for managing to avoid a reproductive “oops” due to poor impulse control. I can’t say the same for myself, unfortunately, and will live with the impact of that carelessness for the rest of my life. My life is rich and full as a mother, but it could have been rich and full and SIMPLER as a non-parent, too. Falling into parenthood because of an accident or failing to really think about it first is just plain dumb and I am ashamed to say that with all my college degrees and professional licenses I didn’t manage to make a more informed decision about the one thing that matters the most. I strongly encourage all ADDers out there to think long and hard before becoming a parent.

]]> By: Katy B. http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35573 Katy B. Thu, 22 Apr 2010 05:12:30 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35573 I think that whether people choose to parent or not parent, they need to seriously consider their own strengths and limitations. ADHDers and non ADHDers alike, but especially ADHDers. Children are capable of producing, with regularity, lots of scenarios and needs that can test our limitations something fierce. Ex: my boyfriend's 4 year old is WAY fond of overhead light...I can't stand it. So...I compromise and find times when we have the lights off, and other times I simply have to allow the little guy his BRIGHT ANNOYING LIGHTS...haha :) That said, as an ADHDer who is about to become instant step-mom to three young children, I'm pretty excited about it. Giving birth to my own children has never been at the top of my list of things to do in life, but this is a good time for me to share my life with my sweetheart's awesome kids, and I have always enjoyed children. A few years ago? Maybe not so much...I just feel much more aware of my own abilities and imperfections in a productive way these days...treatment has allowed me to really learn a lot and learn to sort of manually steer myself more effectively. I'm simply better at knowing when I need some space these days too, and when I might just need a few minutes to unwind my brain, which is really helpful. However, I find the kids really easy to focus on because they're just so stimulating! What better fun for a hyperactive mind like mine, than unpredictable, brilliant children to challenge me! I think that whether people choose to parent or not parent, they need to seriously consider their own strengths and limitations. ADHDers and non ADHDers alike, but especially ADHDers.

Children are capable of producing, with regularity, lots of scenarios and needs that can test our limitations something fierce. Ex: my boyfriend’s 4 year old is WAY fond of overhead light…I can’t stand it. So…I compromise and find times when we have the lights off, and other times I simply have to allow the little guy his BRIGHT ANNOYING LIGHTS…haha :)

That said, as an ADHDer who is about to become instant step-mom to three young children, I’m pretty excited about it. Giving birth to my own children has never been at the top of my list of things to do in life, but this is a good time for me to share my life with my sweetheart’s awesome kids, and I have always enjoyed children. A few years ago? Maybe not so much…I just feel much more aware of my own abilities and imperfections in a productive way these days…treatment has allowed me to really learn a lot and learn to sort of manually steer myself more effectively. I’m simply better at knowing when I need some space these days too, and when I might just need a few minutes to unwind my brain, which is really helpful.

However, I find the kids really easy to focus on because they’re just so stimulating! What better fun for a hyperactive mind like mine, than unpredictable, brilliant children to challenge me!

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35415 Bryan Hutchinson Sun, 18 Apr 2010 18:50:59 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35415 Oh my Dawn, I am sorry to hear about the situation. Puts a little more perspective on how amazing you are. You are absolutely correct in that we never know how much we can do or how far we can go when sudden situations happen. So true. Your husband is truly a lucky man to have someone such as you, in more ways than can be mentioned here. We are all far more capable than the credit we give ourselves, aren't we?! Bests, Bryan Oh my Dawn, I am sorry to hear about the situation. Puts a little more perspective on how amazing you are. You are absolutely correct in that we never know how much we can do or how far we can go when sudden situations happen. So true. Your husband is truly a lucky man to have someone such as you, in more ways than can be mentioned here.

We are all far more capable than the credit we give ourselves, aren’t we?!

Bests,

Bryan

]]> By: Dawn http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35409 Dawn Sun, 18 Apr 2010 16:08:22 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35409 Bryan, My husband was shot almost 2 years ago...in the head. Thank God he lived is home but a traumatic brain injury takes a long time to heal & he has severe speech issues, weakness on the right side of his body, and a lack of judgment. Anyway, my point is that if you had asked me 2 years ago if I could step up & provide the care he needs & have the patience to deal with all the set backs, the loss of income, etc, I'd have probably said no way. But when it happens, you just do what you have to do. You don't stop to think about it, or worry about it, you just do it. I think we as humans are hard wired to just do what needs done, even if its something you never thought yourself capable of. My husband is ADHD & hes a great father. Oh he has times when he gets caught up in what he's doing (I'm talking pre brain injury here) & forgets he had plans with our daughter, or when he seems so caught up in his own thoughts that he kind of blows her off when she tries talking to him, but he loves her & anyone can tell that. They used to go on camping trips together (without me & yes, they made it home alive..lol), play video games, he even wen t to parent teacher conferences (although I did most of the talking). I think anyone can do anything they need to do, ADHD or not, if they find themselves in a situation. I still believe having kids is a personal choice, but I don't agree that having ADHD makes a parent incapable. Bryan, My husband was shot almost 2 years ago…in the head. Thank God he lived is home but a traumatic brain injury takes a long time to heal & he has severe speech issues, weakness on the right side of his body, and a lack of judgment. Anyway, my point is that if you had asked me 2 years ago if I could step up & provide the care he needs & have the patience to deal with all the set backs, the loss of income, etc, I’d have probably said no way. But when it happens, you just do what you have to do. You don’t stop to think about it, or worry about it, you just do it. I think we as humans are hard wired to just do what needs done, even if its something you never thought yourself capable of. My husband is ADHD & hes a great father. Oh he has times when he gets caught up in what he’s doing (I’m talking pre brain injury here) & forgets he had plans with our daughter, or when he seems so caught up in his own thoughts that he kind of blows her off when she tries talking to him, but he loves her & anyone can tell that. They used to go on camping trips together (without me & yes, they made it home alive..lol), play video games, he even wen t to parent teacher conferences (although I did most of the talking). I think anyone can do anything they need to do, ADHD or not, if they find themselves in a situation.

I still believe having kids is a personal choice, but I don’t agree that having ADHD makes a parent incapable.

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35398 Bryan Hutchinson Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:58:16 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35398 Hi Sanju, This post is about me, so to continue that angle - I do not allow the urge to be a factor for me (urges usually get ADDers in trouble), so my question would be - what is the difference from having your own and adopting? Can you maintain and provide and allow the child to grow with care, understanding and a good quality of life? That's what I ask myself, anyway. Bryan Hi Sanju,

This post is about me, so to continue that angle – I do not allow the urge to be a factor for me (urges usually get ADDers in trouble), so my question would be – what is the difference from having your own and adopting? Can you maintain and provide and allow the child to grow with care, understanding and a good quality of life? That’s what I ask myself, anyway.

Bryan

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35397 Bryan Hutchinson Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:48:02 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35397 Hi Kerry, reading through these comments, I think they are very informative and helpful to a lot of folks. What has annoyed me is when I make my decision known (when asked) it is often taken as some kind of affront, but I am not getting that here at all (or at least not yet). "Lastly, I think if I had to choose between being a parent and being in a so-so relationship vs. being in truly loving relationship with no children, then I would pick the latter." Bests, Bryan Hi Kerry, reading through these comments, I think they are very informative and helpful to a lot of folks. What has annoyed me is when I make my decision known (when asked) it is often taken as some kind of affront, but I am not getting that here at all (or at least not yet).

“Lastly, I think if I had to choose between being a parent and being in a so-so relationship vs. being in truly loving relationship with no children, then I would pick the latter.”

Bests,

Bryan

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35395 Bryan Hutchinson Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:35:25 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35395 So true, Dawn. Your husband is a very lucky man and for that matter, so is your daughter. As you say, it is a decision each person must make. My point as a whole, at least for me, is that the decision is based on more than desire and 'what would that be like' it is based on my condition(s) and the quality of life a child might have etc... Besides, the child might be lucky and only have mild ADD, or no ADD at all. So, in the end it comes down to how can I cope and maintain, and how much will I rely on someone else to pick up the slack? But, that's one person's thoughts and considerations (mine). Thanks for sharing with us, it is always so nice to hear from someone without ADD who has found someone special with ADD and a wonderful child also :) so, ah, refreshing! So true, Dawn. Your husband is a very lucky man and for that matter, so is your daughter. As you say, it is a decision each person must make. My point as a whole, at least for me, is that the decision is based on more than desire and ‘what would that be like’ it is based on my condition(s) and the quality of life a child might have etc… Besides, the child might be lucky and only have mild ADD, or no ADD at all. So, in the end it comes down to how can I cope and maintain, and how much will I rely on someone else to pick up the slack? But, that’s one person’s thoughts and considerations (mine). Thanks for sharing with us, it is always so nice to hear from someone without ADD who has found someone special with ADD and a wonderful child also :) so, ah, refreshing!

]]> By: sanju http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35382 sanju Sat, 17 Apr 2010 23:55:50 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35382 I had the patience to read ur post but not the comments from the rest of the members. I agree with your views and i have decided to do the same. But the urge to bring up a child is so strong that i would like to consider adopting a child. Bryan your views please. I had the patience to read ur post but not the comments from the rest of the members.
I agree with your views and i have decided to do the same. But the urge to bring up a child is so strong that i would like to consider adopting a child. Bryan your views please.

]]> By: Dawn http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2010/04/15/to-be-a-parent-or-not-to-be-a-parent/comment-page-1/#comment-35375 Dawn Sat, 17 Apr 2010 18:59:40 +0000 http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/?p=3461#comment-35375 I don't agree with the worry that we may hand down ADHD to our children. I am not ADD, but my husband is & I never saw it as a bad thing. I think of the many great traits our ADD daughter has inherited from him, like her creativity & her ability to multi task. She would not be the same person without ADD. I cannot see the possibility of handing down ADD/ADHD as a reason to not have kids.....not like say, having Cystic Fibrosis or AIDs. That being said, the choice to have or not have kids is everyones right. I know plenty of people who just do not want kids & have had a happy fulfilling life without them, whether they themselves have ADHD or not. I don’t agree with the worry that we may hand down ADHD to our children. I am not ADD, but my husband is & I never saw it as a bad thing. I think of the many great traits our ADD daughter has inherited from him, like her creativity & her ability to multi task. She would not be the same person without ADD. I cannot see the possibility of handing down ADD/ADHD as a reason to not have kids…..not like say, having Cystic Fibrosis or AIDs.

That being said, the choice to have or not have kids is everyones right. I know plenty of people who just do not want kids & have had a happy fulfilling life without them, whether they themselves have ADHD or not.

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