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As unique and different as all people are, there is something that lurks in the darkness within each of us. It is always there, it is always waiting and it has a terrible power which is always aspiring to take control. It is patient. It doesn’t want to win. It wants to own and it can find ways to possess you completely, especially in moments of emotional confrontations, letdowns and self-pity.
It is self-doubt.
All people, regardless of race, color or creed, experience self-doubt. Some allow it to consume them and some allow it to motivate them, but too many do not realize it has any affect at all, because it lurks within their mind disguised as realistic thinking, and in disguise it becomes something far more dangerous and devious. It becomes proven and powerful…if you let it.
Self-doubt is too easy to prove, to verify, to validate – it is known as realistic and valid thinking. We are just being realistic, after all. In an ADHD mind it can become a way of life and consume as a cancer, leading to depression and worse. But, heed this warning: Self-doubt is not content to spread only within any one person afflicted; it seeks to spread to as many others as possible to become as a virus. Influence, after all, is what it seeks and as with most all things, it does not want to be alone.
Influence is the power of self-doubt. Without influence it is nothing more than mere caution which can be useful and supportive. In of itself, self-doubt does not carry overt powerful persuasion. Such persuasion must be developed and nurtured. It does this by using our mistakes, our blunders and self-pity to its advantage, helping those things consume us, to make us give in to them. The ADHD mind is ripe for this, because our blunders and mistakes are often repeated.
We can start to measure and manage our level of self-doubt by identifying those people we surround ourselves with who support it, and realize that it is only a tool which has gained too much power.
Here’s what I think:
- We are better than we think we are. As humans we are born with the capacity to heal and improve. Every day is a new day and brings with it not only new challenges, but wonderful new opportunities.
- Your opinion matters and you have the decisive say in what goes on in your life. Too often people want to control another’s belief or change world opinion to their own, but this has never worked and will never work because we are born as individuals, with individual thoughts, beliefs, opinions and expectations.
- You are unique and there is no one else like you. You may relate to others, you may have a connection in common with others and you may agree with others, but still, you are you, incomparable and special.
- You can achieve great things, wondrous things – not just if you want to, but if you look inside and honestly go with what you believe in and not what you may think others expect of you.
- When others feel awful and worried, you can lift their spirits with a kind word and encourage them with a smile. Sometimes that’s all it takes and you have the power to give.
~Bryan
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Unfortunately, I am all about self-doubt. Anything that happens to me that doesn’t go as planned sets off the voice inside my head that totally destroys my self confidence. I can’t seem to just let things go and move on, I have to keep reliving what happened. The conversation/incident is on a continuous loop in my mind and I am constantly thinking of things I might have said/done differently. Things that are particularly important or traumatic might replay in my mind for days on end. Then, whenever I have a bad day, they are subject to popping up again, sometimes years after the fact!
Of all of my ADD related symptoms, the voice of self-doubt and self-condemnation in my head it the worst. If there were only one thing about my ADD that I could make go away that voice would be the one. It literally tears me up sometimes and leads to a lot of anger and depression for me and a lot of unpleasant days for my family.
I would love to hear how other people have learned to deal with the nasty voices in their heads and move past things instead of reliving everything.
Shannon
Reply to Shannon MaierHi Shannon,
I relate to your current condition with regard to self-doubt and, I believe most Adult ADDers know your struggles well, if not all exactly the same. I punished myself with self-doubt for so long that it became paralyzing. I had to get help, because, honestly, there does come a point when getting help is the only legitimate alternative. I am so glad that I did, because I was going nowhere fast. The incessant negative self-talk and memories of mistakes and misspoken words would never calm, leaving me unable to sleep and unable to focus on anything productive without telling myself ‘it won’t work out anyway’ – ADHD plays a major role in creating self-doubt, indeed by repeating mistakes, re-jumping the same hurdles over and over again makes our minds fertile and open to the ridicule and doubt within, but there is hope and there is help. This is the area I believe therapy has the most benefit for Adults with ADHD.
Bests,
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonSelf-doubt couched as realistic thinking. Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head! I’ve used that on myself a lot. Thank you for making the connection.
Shannon, I relate to the rumination thing. Lots of things have helped me a little bit–everything from therapy, 12-step groups, and adult ADD support groups to meditation, time in nature, exercise, distraction (a good book or movie), talking to someone about what I’m ruminating about, or writing about it. And trying not just to fight the negative voices in my head (I have a chorus of them!), but to strengthen the healthy voice inside as well. Sending you my best!
Reply to Kathleen ChristensenKathleen and Bryan, thank you both for your helpful advice. It really helps to be able to talk to other adults who can understand what you are dealing with. I think that is a big part of my problem right there, feeling isolated. I don’t think I have ever had a time in my life where there was someone who really “got” me. Someone who didn’t judge or try to fix things for me but was just there with support and a good ear. As a consequence, I have learned to internalize everything and just get through it, but somethings are never fully resolved until they see the light of day.
I have always loved to read because it is such an escape for my mind. I am also beginning to see that exercise needs to be a priority in my life. Not just for the obvious health reasons but because it also makes me feel better mentally.
I think what I really need to focus on now is finding a human outlet for my frustrations. A support group or therapist would probably make all the difference right now.
Thanks again,
Reply to Shannon MaierShannon
Thank you Bryan, for these encouraging words ! It helps me a lot psychologically, because, I’m always self-doubting ! I think, it is because I was confronted so often to failures and difficulties but I profoundly believe that it’s not a very helpful attitude to anyone who wants to accomplish great things in his life !
Reply to Véronique St-MartinBryan,
You have hit us right between the eyes. The core belief that I have when all is said and done is “There is something wrong with me” or “I am defective”.
Like you and others, I have been to therapy, 12 step groups and they have helped tremendously. But, I feel there is a lid on me that tells me to I can not dream too big or to believe to much. I do not have what it takes or that no one will support me or I am alone.
I just finished your first book, the autobiography. I resonate with your story and your insight. You capture our traits and inner world really well. It is such a help to see it in you.
Reply to GlennThanks, Bryan. Your post is so insightful and compassionate. “Being realistic” is such an insidious cover for self doubt, and not as obvious as the blatant form. I am 66 years old and have done a lot of therapy, spiritual practices, etc. I no longer experience the blatant, overt self doubt that I did when I was younger. However, reading your words was akin to the Zen bamboo stick tapping my head, reminding me to wake up, because the “realistic” form of self doubt is alive and well in me. Now the question is what will I do with this knowledge? My self doubt says “probably not much.” I’m going to save this post and refer back to it from time to time. Again, thank you and namaste’.
Reply to Leah D“The core belief that I have when all is said and done is “There is something wrong with me” or “I am defective”.” ~Glenn
” “Being realistic” is such an insidious cover for self doubt, and not as obvious as the blatant form. ” ~Leah
“I think, it is because I was confronted so often to failures and difficulties…” ~Véronique St-Martin
“Self-doubt couched as realistic thinking…” ~Kathleen
“I think what I really need to focus on now is finding a human outlet for my frustrations. A support group or therapist would probably make all the difference right now.” ~Shannon
I think we can make a real diffirence together! Such powerful, meaningful comments. Thank you.
~Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThis is me to a nut shell, I have bounced around for the last 7 years jobs etc. If something goes wrong it just buries me, it’s not easy not to feel self doubt. Sometimes you just believe you will never be happy and say why bother. People never understand you they always have some comment sometimes you think your better off on your own island. Lastly you sometimes even question you very existence in life. A good article
Reply to BrianThanks
So the remedy is???
Reply to mike ryanMike, for me it has been writing about it, making sure the people I hang around have a positive influence and not bring me down and therapy has done wonders for me. My suggestion is to start a journal, keep track and write about the things which are important and bring joy to your mind and body. It all sounds rather simple and yet, for me at least, has been profound.
Reply to Bryan Hutchinson