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- When someone assumes they know what you are about.
- When someone assumes they know what you are after in life.
- When someone assumes they know what makes you tick.
- When someone assumes your aspirations are similar to theirs.
- When someone finishes your sentences, but it’s not what you were thinking, much less what you were going to say.
- When you tell someone that you have ADHD, then a bunch of off the mark statements and knee jerk actions develop simply because they are now aware that you have it, but it is obvious they don’t really know what it is, much less how it affects you.
Preconceived notions are usually wrong.
Wouldn’t it be nice, instead of assuming something of you that they would have the selflessness to at least ask first?
It’s said friendships are built on foundations of trust. However, something else comes before trust and it can be summed up in one word:
Consideration.
Let’s see how that works first.
~Bryan
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….when people assume that just because it didn’t work out correctly, or something you did was not pleasing to them, that you just simply were not trying or did not care! If they only knew how hard we worked at some things all the time.
Reply to Mary BethAmen Bryan! I get irritated by all of those things in your list! They’re annoying and, as you point out by suggesting consideration, RUDE!
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Reply to Gina Pera1.When someone assumes they know what you are about? If someone assumes they know what I’m about, I throw them off by painting a different picture.
Reply to K.D.2.When someone assumes they know what you are after in life? I don’t give a speech, I put on a show.
3.When someone assumes they know what makes you tick? If a person assumes they know what makes me tick, then that means that they feel they completely understand me. They feel that way because they have some sort of knowledge about me. Knowledge is safe because it comes from the past. It is not original. That means they are not creative.
4.When someone assumes your aspirations are similar to theirs? How you perceive yourself is how others see you.
5. When someone finishes your sentences, but it’s not what you were thinking, much less what you were going to say? I hate to say this, but I do this from time to time. I am one of those ADDers who can jump into someone’s brain and know where they are going before they do. A close friend who is not a “flat” pointed it out to me and try very hard not to do it anymore.
6. When you tell someone that you have ADHD, then a bunch of off the mark statements and knee jerk actions develop simply because they are now aware that you have it, but it is obvious they don’t really know what it is, much less how it affects you? I’m not looking to win awards, so I don’t care. I did when I was younger, but now that I am older I don’t give it a thought. Consideration.Let’s see how that works first….So many people are misinformed. Consideration is a skill. So many are not up to snuff. How do we change this???
@Mary Beth – That’s the one! So many times I have been labeled as passive-aggressive or uncaring because I genuinely forgot to do something or remembered too late. If I was really passive-aggressive or uncaring, why would I feel so sad that I disappointed them?
Bryan, no offense, your list would make more sense if _I_ knew what I am after in life, what makes me tick, what my aspirations are. When someone else tells me what they think I am after in life, I think, “maybe that’s it.”
You do bring it around almost to closing when you say “Consideration,” meaning, I suppose, Considering things from the point of view of the other person. It’s too easy to assume that everyone thinks the same way; even if they use different emotions and experiences and knowledge to reach a conclusion, you can at least assume the other person is using the same mental tools as you. But we’re not, and we will make mistakes that they might not even have considered possible.
Reply to JimI have guilty of those things on your list myself. The last one though…Getting a rude response, when I tell someone I have ADHD. I take that as an invitation to tell them what ADHD is, and I think after a few minutes of hearing me explain in my very..lets say..”goofy ADD”" way of talking…they may be convinced that ADHD is real. So I guess I can say I don’t “Hate it when” but more of a “I’ll have fun with this”. Thats just me though being me. Good post Bryan!
Reply to Scott HutsonSome very interesting replies. I am sure that most all of us with ADHD have been guilty of the things on my list above, I know I have, but this ‘hate’ list isn’t directed at anyone specifically, much less my fellow ADDers. I don’t really have a hateful bone in my body
My point is a generally specific one (lol). Asking first, is the considerate thing to do. It’s true, not everyone has the skills to do that, but that doesn’t make assuming and assumptions in general, right. However, more importantly, thanks to too many misleading messages out there about ADHD, people tend to assume what it is about without a full understanding or that each person with it may have differences, and therefore people in general have many assumptions about people with ADHD. Each person is an individual, with a life and circumstances of their own.
Consideration is a very powerful word.
@Jim, I agree, if it is someone you trust and already knows you very well. As in previous posts, I talk about mentorships and I believe they are extremely beneficial. Good mentors take from what you are and help you mold it, which, of course, takes a lot of consideration about who you are – which leads to many questions asked of you. Therapy is used in this way too. By asking questions of us, the answers we provide help clarify our thoughts and beliefs, what’s bothering us etc… Indeed, we all make mistakes. The problem with ‘maybe that’s it’ is we become like leafs on the wind and blow in any direction the wind takes us, even if it is not the direction we really want to go in. Also, as ADDers we tend to be distracted, impulsive and say things out of context from time to time – when someone assumes something of that type of behavior, how right can the assumption be? I know that my momentary behaviors could change so fast in the past that if someone assumed something of me just from a quick take, they would nearly always be wrong. I don’t think we are as much an open book as we think we are, our very nature tends to prevent that, I believe. Although, I have been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve ‘sort of speak’.
@ Mary Beth, very, very well put
@ Gina, I tend to think so too. Enjoyed your post the other day, btw.
@ K.D. Oh, goodness, that’s exhausting and would have to be someone extremely special for me to go through so many things to try and modify what they ‘assume’. But, then, I am an ADDer too and that’s what we tend to do
I prefer someone who considers me, by asking first. You are right though, consideration is a ‘learned’ skill.
@Scott, I like your “I’ll have fun with this’ attitude
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThis is a terrific website and I am so glad to be a part of it. I think everyone had some very interesting comments and gave me a lot to think about.
Reply to K.D.I to where my heart on my sleeve, however something happened to me in 2005 that was horrible and caused PTSD which then turned into a deep depression. With the help of a wonderful N.P. that is also my counselor I have pretty much fully recovered. I am proud of who I am, the teachings of my past and who I am about to become. The one thing that I find hard to take is the guilt over my daughter who lived through my ptsd and depression. I didn’t have anyone that could help. Her ADHD is off the charts…..meaning she is extremely hard on herself, but will not admit it to anyone enough to get help. I live with that guilt everyday. Does anyone else feel guilt?
Hi K.D. when it comes to ADHD, especially with PTSD (I have this condition as well) it is all too easy to feel guilty, but somehow it is important to remember, guilt and remorse do not help. You sound like you are doing the right things to move forward. If you are currently in counseling, have you possibly discussed inviting your daughter to join you for a couple sessions? Maybe it would help her if she understands and together find forgiveness?
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan, your post “Don’t You Just Hate” rings true in my ADD life so often. The one assumption that irritates me the most is when people finish my sentences and it isn’t what I was thinking and it certainly is not what I was going to say. My sweet husband does this all the time. I’ve explained over and over to him that I pause to gather my thoughts so let me finish my sentence.
Reply to PatHi,
I’m bi-polar and ADHD. I’m also a local broadcast media jounalist. I feel like I can’t say anything to anyone, because of the stigma involved. I have just a couple of people who I’ve told about the ADHD – people who need to know. But, can’t bring myself to talk about the bipolar. I had many Dr.s that I saw before my curent NP. They treated me like I was off the charts crazy – which I’m not. The experiance made me even more secretive.
I feel like I spend my days “pretending” that I’m normal and it’s wearing me out.
Any suggesteding anyone??
Reply to HeidiCheck Ken Wilbur out. There is a new consciousness arising, which I think includes ADHD in a different light. I don’t know if Ken has drawn the conclusion, but he more than likely has.
Reply to Brian VassThis morning I got up, and wrote a piece. It’s called “If you are ADHD, then your teacher is an alien.” It is a bit of a spoof, but it might cheer you up.My wife couldn’t figure out who it was written to. maybe you can. If you want, let me know and I’ll send it to you.
Have a great day
BTW, Wilbur believes you are ‘the new Normal’.