Motivational and inspirational writer, Bryan Hutchinson is the author of several books about life with ADHD including the highly acclaimed, best selling "One Boy′s Struggle: A Memoir" and the author of the hilarious eBook that went viral "10 Things I Hate about ADHD"

Deliciously Sexy

What do you long for?

What excites you?

Have you defined what you want, need and desire…

…in someone to love, hold and live with forevermore?

What is your innermost desire in another person – specific characteristics which stand above all others – do you know what they are? It’s important; believe me, it’s very, very important.

You will never know what you are looking for until you define it. You will never find what you are looking for until you give it a description. They say that if you don’t stand for something that you will fall for anything. It’s the same with finding a true to your heart friend and lover. If you don’t know, you may seek out nearly anyone with a nice smile, pleasant demeanor and perhaps a little flash that shows seemingly genuine interest. And, you will be had! What’s so wrong with that?

Have you ever been alone? I mean truly, utterly alone? When you are with the wrong person, even if you don’t completely understand why he or she is the wrong person, that’s when we are truly, miserably alone.

The other day I was seeking out a new movie in our local store.  I wanted to watch something interesting, exciting and thought-provoking, but as much as I searched and searched, I could not find any movie that met my desire. However, I must have passed a few movies which would qualify. What was missing from my search was something far more important and relevant. I was missing my Joan Faith. When she’s not with me I have difficulty finding the right movie, the right meaning, the right sense, the right substance. Why? Because I enjoy discussing the movies with her as we decide which one we will watch together. I value her opinion and insight. Do I need it? In a sense, because I want it, I value it. That’s me.

My ultimate desire in a life partner is intelligence, insightfulness, relevance and substance. I like a woman who is brilliant in her own right and is self-aware. I want someone I can drive hours upon hours with and never tire of discussing anything with her. There is nothing sexier than a woman who I can match wits with, who always has an intellectual opinion of just about anything and not just a judgmental opinion, but one that is well rounded, someone who can view any side of the discussion with equal keenness. I love a smart woman!

A lot of us never reach our destination because we simply do not know where our destination is. It’s one thing to have a point of view, but it is completely another thing to understand and relate to someone else’s perspective. Joan Faith is my Harvard in Switzerland and there is nothing sexier to me in the world than that, deliciously sexy! That’s what I wanted and thankfully, I found it in her and much, much more.

Before I knew what I wanted in a friend and lover I went for charm, flash, outer beautification and whatever the eyes see first, but always felt I was missing something. When we feel we are missing something and do not know exactly what it is, it becomes so very important to define it, to acknowledge whatever that desire is. Who knows, maybe the person you are with has it and yet, because you have not defined your inner most desire and need, it’s never been enticed from their character, because you never showed interest in that specific part of who they are.

One of the many dangers of ADHD is the sexy appeal of the ‘ohhh shiny shine shine’, but I believe and have discovered, that if we take the time to honestly define what our shiniest qualities are, we are more likely to find them.

The problem with not defining and knowing is that we keep on searching for that something, even if we are in a fully committed relationship. To simply not be alone is not a good enough reason to settle. Resigning yourself to someone who is nice is rather limiting too, because anyone can be nice on the surface at first impression. A nice smile? There are so many of those out there. You are worth much, much more than that.

What’s really, truly sexy to you? What will keep you engaged and enthralled on an intellectual mindful level, beyond just any shiny, flirtatious initial attraction?

There’s something, trust me, there is, even if you haven’t defined it yet. Too often we find ourselves alone in a relationship wondering what went wrong and yet, we do not realize that what goes wrong is all too often already orchestrated before two people actually meet. The same goes for what goes right in a relationship.

Some of us fear defining what we want because we think we will never be capable of finding that person who meets our needs exactly. That’s true, no one meets anyone’s needs exactly or perfectly, but who says they have to? There’s got to be spice too and that’s usually in the undefined. Too much spice without substance though, which most of us seem to seek,  tends to wear thin or become exasperating either for us or the one’s we are with. Ultimately, it’s just not sexy.

If you haven’t found ‘the one‘ yet, how about taking some time to sincerely contemplate your needs and desires, what qualities you would value and truly find sexy in a partner? And what’s more, what do you think a partner should value in you? In my new book, Adult ADHD can be Sexy, I decided it was very important to write about the Law of Attraction, it works even when we are not aware of it, but I believe it is crucial to give it direction.

I believe in knowing what you want first in order to attract the truly sexy qualities you value most in yourself and who you may seek. We are all looking for something, might as well figure out what that something is. Is just anything or just anyone good enough for you? I doubt it.

Have you found what you are looking for?

~Bryan

Katy B. May 12, 2010 at 12:02 am

What’s sexy to me? Someone who doesn’t think my ADHD is lame, HAHA. Which is why I’m now engaged to another ADHDer.

Doesn’t hurt that he’s also wicked smaht, shares my values, is TOTALLY HAWT and likes to do fun stuff.

Yeaaaah…..

Diane S. May 13, 2010 at 7:33 pm

I started to write a comment that turned into a novella. I decided to just turn it into a blog post of my own…my comments can be found at http://adderworld.ning.com/profiles/blogs/commentary-on-brians-blog-post

Martina August 26, 2010 at 11:24 pm

this is very nice post..I just want to share to you all anout my love story…because I need to express myself, I just have that special feeling that I have to share a few words with you…
I agree with you Bryan, you sad: “You will never know what you are looking for until you define it. You will never find what you are looking for until you give it a description. They say that if you don’t stand for something that you will fall for anything. It’s the same with finding a true to your heart friend and lover.”
But also I think that you have to know yourself first..not what is in your mind, but what is it in your soul and your heart.. when you know that than you will know what you have to look for..and than you will find it.. Than your’s to same souls and your hearts will meet and match together.. :)
My boyfriend and I are 3 years together.. It wasn’t easy but we know that we love each other.. In the time we start dateing i didn’t know about my ADD. My boyfriend was that who helped me to “search and find it”. I knew i was different because i felt it, but i didn’t know what it was.. When I recognised that he is perfect for me, that I am in love, i didn’t really know what is in my mind…but I knew my heart and my soul.. :) he is my true love :)

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