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But is it helpful? Does negativity help someone gain friends? Is it a likable characteristic or make a person enjoyable to be around? Does it help one find a job or retain a job and become someone who is respected and admired?
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I believe that our attitude is within our control and can be modified.
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(Disclaimer: what follows is only my opinion, read it at your own risk. Take it or leave it as any reader sees fit. I have the greatest respect for those suffering from co-morbid conditions such as ODD or Bipolar and this post does not encompass co-morbid conditions.).
There are many justifications for someone with ADHD to have a negative attitude: Considering repeated mistakes, mental, impulsive blunders, speaking one’s mind when one shouldn’t and oh, I almost forgot: forgetfulness. And much, much more depending on how much ADHD affects someone.
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Not everyone falls into the negativity trap, but too many do and yet few really consider that this most likely is a choice they’ve made somewhere along the way. That choice has been reinforced over and over again. When we justify something, anything, it becomes necessary to continue to justify it and by doing so anything that challenges it will not be fully considered, much less accepted and if somehow another view is considered the justifications for one’s attitude will pop up and take over.
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One’s attitude and direction cannot change until the justifications are viewed for what they are. Otherwise negativity’s power will reign forever and any time something starts to improve it becomes necessary to stop, drop and roll and insure the improvements and any advancement do not continue. After all how can we complain if our complaints are no longer valid or justified? That just won’t work. Instead a negative mindset absolutely must reinforce the negative persuasion over and over again. It’s pretty obvious to any observer and yet the person trapped can hardly see it and when faced with it may even admit it but will do very little to change it (or believes he or she can’t change it). Negativity is the ultimate puppet master. I know and cutting the strings is easier said than done. I needed help to cut them!
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A negative mental attitude and seeing things through lenses of disgust, dejection, anger and regret are fairly common and I think rather normal for people with ADHD. It’s all justified. We are justified in feeling all the things we do, as negative as they sometimes may be. However, if we want a better life, want to be happy and want to have good friends and stop to smell the roses then we may need to make an admission. And it is about personal choice. Negativity is a choice.
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And keep in mind that negativity is about rejection and who knows more about rejection than people with disorders, especially “mental” disorders?! Considering that negativity is about rejection, we can start to see all the things we reject when we are in the trap of negativity and we ourselves eventually may become rejections in the mirror.
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When we think about it, a negative attitude is probably the worst epidemic of the modern world and in my humble opinion way outpaces ADHD as a problem for social engagements, relationships and holding down a job or keeping friends. I believe people in general are far more forgiving of ADHD than a negative attitude. However, ADHD plus a negative attitude spells the ultimate disaster. ADHD can be treated and we have many ways to seek improvement, but if we are enveloped in a negative attitude and mindset, then those possibilities are very unlikely to produce any positive results for long.
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Indeed, a negative attitude is more often than not considered a personal choice regardless of one’s reasons and justifications. People just don’t care about the motivations and few, except those who live in the same perpetual negativity, excuse them. But even those who live in the same void don’t necessarily want to be around their peers too much. Do you want to be around someone who turns a clear, beautiful blue sky into a cloudy, miserable chilly day just by their attitude, regardless if they have ADHD or not?
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A negative mental attitude is like a bad hangover that just doesn’t seem to go away. When was the last time you wanted to hang out with someone who always has a mental hangover?
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I’d rather be with someone who forgets to be on time than someone who is on time and makes me regret being around them because of their negative attitude. If you are positive and enthusiastic I won’t mind if you’re late to meet for lunch and I won’t mind if you interrupt me from time to time either. I’ll listen to your problems if you’re willing to consider solutions. I’ll give you a shoulder to cry on when things just don’t work out. Being sad, hurt or depressed isn’t about having a negative attitude and it happens to the best of us or it wouldn’t happen to you! I’ll even help you find your car keys when you misplace them, and perhaps you’ll help me find mine (I’m already looking!), but if you become overly angry and hateful, that’s when I’ll have to draw the line.
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A negative attitude is in of itself a repellent. It may be justified, but no one really, truly wants to be around it for very long, or longer than they absolutely have to. That’s just the way it is and yet some refuse to see this reality and still blame ADHD for issues their attitude is creating. ADHD creates enough already, which may seriously lend to one’s attitude as a result, but it doesn’t have to take control.
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People with ADHD, we are used to being blamed for our ADHD symptoms as if they are personal or moral choices, or just bad habits and we know that’s not true. However, at the same time this does not mean there are not things within our control. We are not kites in the sky just flapping about all the time. Yes, I am saying we do have certain responsibilities and control within our grasp. Yes, we might need help and we might need to make some hard decisions and admissions, but ADHD is not a get away with a negative attitude free card.
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In truth people with ADHD do not own negativity. It’s wide spread and is quite common and each person has their own reasons and justifications. I have met plenty of people, and I am sure you have, too, who speak to the ADHD population about our symptoms all the while using derogatory terms to describe us and are rather condescending about it. We have to be vigilant and keep our eyes and ears open for the pot calling the kettle black. Just because someone doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t mean they are not susceptible to negativity or of having a negative mental attitude.
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So the question is: Are the justifications worth it? Having the right and being justified, doesn’t always make it right and especially not helpful. Does it?
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The good news is that (again, excluding co-morbid conditions) attitude is adjustable and improvable. It’s a matter of choice! Having lived with clinical depression and PTSD (which was far more complicated than ADHD alone, but partially brought on by undiagnosed ADHD symptoms) I know firsthand how problematic and frustrating it is. I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for the depressed and suffering. Depression is serious business and there’s nothing wrong with getting help.
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Sometimes we also may need to move on from people who facilitate our negativity. We all know the people that support our attitude whether it is positive or negative so it becomes another choice of being around them and allowing them to continue their influence or not. These are hard choices, but necessary and even with ADHD I believe we have the power to make those choices.
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And yes, I believe if we justify our attitude, either positively or negatively then we are internally, subconsciously telling ourselves it is okay. Life will naturally follow suit.
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Here’s an example of the power of thought and looking for what one really, truly wants. I recently discovered I need reading glasses. I have been through our local city a million times and never before really noticed any optical shops, but yesterday when I went into the city to buy glasses I suddenly found not 1 or 2 shops, but easily a dozen. They seemed to be everywhere and I found a nice basic pair in the very first shop I went to. When I started looking for glasses they were practically everywhere, but before I started looking for them I hardly noticed any of the optical stores.
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It is the same thing when I first started seeing things more positively, after years of therapy (overcoming my internal justifications from living with undiagnosed ADHD). I started seeing the good things around me and the good influences that could benefit my new found attitude, but I also became more aware of the negative influences that I needed to distance myself from, too.
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Tips for Consideration:
- Becoming aware of one’s attitude is the first step.
- Wanting to change.
- Seeking help may be needed.
- Identifying and removing or limiting time with those who support a negative mental attitude or those who manipulate it. Replace them with those who support a more constructive and optimistic attitude.
- Replace justifications for a Negative Mental Attitude with justifications for a Positive Mental Attitude or an Optimistic Mental Attitude.
- Choose to be happy, even if you have ADHD!
Sometimes it is good to go looking for a pair of glasses; the type that when we look through the lenses we see solutions, possibilities and the positive, happy things life has to offer. We deserve to be happy, too – even if we have ADHD!
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Life’s just too short already. Let’s make it better, because I truly believe each of us has the power to make positive changes in our attitude, if we so choose!
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….Just because someone doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t mean they are not susceptible to negativity or of having a negative mental attitude…..
Reply to VivianThat s completly true…some of us were brought up with negativity… you are too young, too dumb, too slow, toooooo many things and even being adults and having achieved many things in life… deep inside we may could be thinking that we didn t do too much…or we didn t acomplish enough… and this may lead us into negativity and so on.
thanks for sharing your life experience with us….
have a brilliant and fantastic day!
I wish you a brilliant and fantastic day, too! I think there’s an additional problem when we are brought up around negativity and how it affects us all of our lives – and that’s when we step away from it or try to distance ourselves from those who try to influence us with their negativity, it’s not easy and sometimes causes increased stress and anxiety especially if you’ve succumbed to their bullying in the past and will have no more of it. However, in order to be free of it sometimes it is important to move on and find positive supporters that care about your mental well being.
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonI thank you for expressing perfectly my own thinking on this subject. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Reply to JudyThis being said, I have re-blogged your post to my own blog http://addpositively.wordpress.com
You are one of the best!
Thank you again:)
Thanks for sharing, Judy!
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan: This was AWESOME! I already have a very positive attitude about my ADHD. I LOVE my ADHD! I fully encompass it and I seriously have never wished I did not have it. I went through a long time where I was undiagnosed which caused me some angst but I was freed and liberated the day I was officially given the diagnosis. I should say validated too as I “thought” I had it but other docs dismissed a grown adult truly having it.
Your article spoke volumes to me as I related it to more than ADHD. I fully accept my ADHD and I see it as more of an advantage. But your article applies to other areas in my life that I often justify negativity–especially in my choices to be healthy. I justify being overweight because I am busy or I am so tired or I blame it on my ADHD, yada, yada, yada, therefore I cannot choose to eat healthy or to do simple exercises. I find people who will “understand” my plight (and there are many) and let me wallow in my negativity. I don’t always “see” it as negativity but when I truly look at it and shine that bright light on it, it is negativity and very unhealthy physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Thank you for your article, Bryan. You have helped to open my eyes. I am inspired to make healthier, better, and positive choices in my life all around. I am not going to “try”–I AM making wise choices starting NOW. I need to give myself a dose or 20 doses of tough love that I give others and just say “NO EXCUSES!” I love myself and respect myself enough to do that.
Thank you, Bryan!
Reply to RebeccaRebecca, I am very happy the post inspired and motivated you so much and in such a positive way! And I agree, there are always those who will ‘understand’ one’s plight and not only allow us, but encourage us to wallow in our negativity. Reading blog posts or forum posts, it’s easy to identify who those people are, but in day to day life off-line, sometimes we have to be a little more discerning and aware.
Bests,
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan
I’ll do you one better and say that the vast majority of ADD’ers embrace the type of victim mentality that makes the handful of us who refuse to use the diagnosis as an excuse sick to our stomachs.
This is why I quit addressing the ADD community as a whole. The fact that people were buring their entire identities in this whole “but I have ADD!” nonsense made be ill, especially knowing that there are people out there with far more severe challenges who still succeed in spite of them.
Reply to Pete SapperHi Pete,
I am not quite sure. ADD is a rather serious disorder and does cause a lot of hardships and some are challenged more than others. I think what you might be referring to is when people discuss ADHD as if there is no hope or no possibilities and for that they have no chance to succeed or improve?
For some it is just a phase and for other they simply haven’t found their way yet and talking about it helps them. And for some, the challenges have shaped their attitude and outlook so much that change becomes nearly impossible (or so it seems). But there are many types and many points of view.
Understanding and empathy go a long way, I believe. And if you are like me, you’ve been there too so perhaps consider what helped you and how you might be able to pass that on?
Bests,
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan
I totally agree Bryan!
Reply to Sarah GogstetterI get this totally, I am always at the trying stage. It reminds me of people who diet or give up smoking, it is a never ending struggle that one must uphold for ever. I cannot always get away from what I call ‘gateway people’, the ones who send me into a negative spiral that cripples my performance and even my life; mainly because they are senior employees where I work. I always have a choice, leave work or take the matter further (which I am doing at the moment). Gateway people project a hugely positive ‘can do’ attitude, but are negative towards my difficulties – I am currently trying to get this realised as a diversity issue whilst being managed into the ground. I think we need empathy, not critiscism based on normal peoples expectations.
Reply to Matt HYour right, Matt. We can never get away from the “gateway” people. There will always be someone, somewhere who wants to influence our perspective; some are obvious while others are not. However, the best way I have found to counter this is to spend as much time with more beneficial, encouraging, supportive people as possible. That way when you are around those “gateway” people they will not be as influential. Also it is important to remember, wherever we are whatever situation we are in “This too shall pass”. You’re doing what you can right now and that’s important and positive, too!
Bryan
Reply to Bryan Hutchinson