About the response I described above: another advantage of it is that the parent receives another person’s vision of the child. This can change things both in the moment and beyond, when you consider how many people do lose proper perspective on their own children’s charms.

There is so much pressure on parents to make their children behave in a civilized way in public; it can drive many parents to behave in an uncivilized way. Terrible irony.

Thanks for telling us about it Betsy!

Bryan

Many years ago, I tried this for the first time and have never once had it go wrong. I can’t even think it could go wrong later on, either.

I walked up to the child being bullied and looked carefully at her, than said to the mom, “Oh, your daughter is lovely. She looks SO bright and interesting.” (I’d have chosen other descriptors had these not been apt. You have to be real.)

The mom stopped her action on the spot. The child looked confused. I said it again. Mom brightened, so did child. I said a bit more about how fun it must be to spend time with such a terrific kid.

I went on my way. Here’s the thing, as I see it:
1. No chastising of mom, which would evoke her anger and/or embarrassment, possibly resulting in further bad treatment of child.
2. Good, accurate info for the child who may not receive it regularly.
3. No embarrassment to mom (who knows what her day was like? or her week? Life?

I don’t think we usually have a chance at having much positive impact and this is likely another example of trying something that will at least interrupt the action, rescuing – for the time being – both parent and child.

I could have used a rescue a few dozen times (as a mother)

That’s a good point. I think the problem of abuse comes in when there’s a pattern.

That guy from US News received attention because he suggested something outrageous, ridiculous and way off base – that’s what gets attention and something the news is actually quick to jump on. Those that replied ignorantly to the positive are probably getting visits from the police

Another thing we should probably realize is that some parents get an impulse and with regards to maybe having severe, or, untreated ADHD, they react too quickly and harshly. This doesn’t justify anything; however, if it happens just once there can still be a lot of regret – if ADHD is involved, there’s already enough we regret as it is. I have been told by certain parents that spanking works and is the only thing that works, at the same time I notice these parents were workaholics and spent very little time with their children at all, that kind of explains why they resort to this method, it’s still wrong.

I don’t have any children; however, I have had frustrated impulses in the past and the painful regret that comes afterwards simply isn’t worth it. Once, years and years ago, as an impulsive youth, I hit my hand on my desk simply because I could not finish an assignment and I broke my pinky finger. I tell you what, that hurt more than I can describe. My pinky finger never healed back to its original form and therefore has a bit of a rise where the joint is… these things stay with us, just as regret and remorse do too. No matter how much anyone, me, you, the person down the street, justifies something which is wrong, it doesn’t matter, the result doesn’t go away and any personal justification one might come up with internally, doesn’t make it right, if it’s wrong to begin with.

I am glad your mom stopped Ben; sounds like you and her have become wise together

Bryan

Abusive parents have unbearably low self-esteem and need help in the kindest possible way, not scorn. Any less further cheats their children of a healthy protector.

Taking children from their parents, even abusive ones, is usually just as traumatic as ignoring them. Abused children need their parents to be helped, not punished, if at all possible.

Passive aggression is more damaging in the long run than overt aggression. Neither is healthy for disciplining children, but at least when someone’s hitting or yelling, there is clear and definite recourse.

I have found that painstaking application of fair consequences can be ultimately rewarding, if mindbendingly difficult, in raising a responsive and resilient child.

Despite my mother’s need for kindness, my child deserves my good mental health and protection. Thus, I avoid my mother like the plague and pray she has nice friends to support her when she pines for me.

I see the US News guy’s point about kids preferring spankings because they’re over with more quickly. As a result, they probably wouldn’t have been as effective on me as time outs were, although they’re a good way to give a quick reminder of who has the power, I suppose.

I don’t think parents resort to these measures ifthey have other methods. Of course some sub-cultures encourage capital punishment, but mostly I think it’s poor self-control and inability to implement better solutions.

Remember this outrageous bit of advice from media gadfly Larry Diller — how spanking prevents ADHD?

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/6/9/one-view-a-spanking-might-beat-ritalin.html

I still can’t believe US News and World Report gave him this platform. You posted a great response there, and so did many other people with ADHD.