The one thing that caught my attention was your sentence that stated, “I can’t share my space with people that exhaust me. We’re working on it…but I find myself wondering if it should be this much work?”

As I read your comments, I understood what you meant by it. Many times I feel the same way about marriage relationships. Should it really be this much work?

Yet, it just occurred to me that possibly what I consider “so much work” is TOO MUCH for ME, the ADDer, but maybe it is not as challenging, frustrating or too much work for an individual who DOES NOT have ADHD? Does it all boil down to ADHD individuals have to work so much harder, do much longer and with so much stronger emotions compared to the NON-ADDer’s?

The coffee table has another pile…the filing is finally a pile under control, with one bin for “to be filed” and the rest is in the filing cabinet (took MONTHS to get to that point). And I have a little portable filing box for the bookkeeping so that if I run out of time I can take it to a friend for a “booster” dose of data entry…my nightstand looks like a circus came to town. I’m getting really organized though…but yes, the two piles is just laundry. Don’t worry, they diagnosed me correctly, lol…

What’s interesting is, I can usually find the information in my piles faster than you might think… getting a non-ADDer to believe that though, takes a little time…

I used to get so high on infatuation that I would feel lightheaded and queasy.

Nowadays I question if I even want to be in a relationship at all, nevermind a lifelong one. I enjoy partnership and companionship but I also, as an ADHDer, find it exhausting sharing living space with other people. The more I seek to structure my life in a way that is healthy for me as an ADHDer, the more friction I feel with people in my living space. I need people to leave my things along and not move or re-organize them. I need to organize myself on my terms. And there are certain things that I have NO intention of organizing, ever. My clothes? Nope. Never going to happen. Told my boyfriend this before we ever moved in, and explained that my “two pile system” was never going to change. If I find my dirty clothes mixed with my clean ones, one more time, I’m going to rub his face in some dirty socks!

I can’t even think of our relationship in terms of romance anymore because I don’t trust him to let my boundaries me where I need them in terms of how I organize my life. He’s a nice person, but he’s causing me so much stress.

So, I really didn’t intend to bitch about the boyfriend, but my point is that as an ADHDer who is now actually aware of being one…who I spend my time with and whether they respect my organizational needs is important. I can’t share my space with people that exhaust me. We’re working on it…but I find myself wondering if it should be this much work

It’s not just him…I ALWAYS pick romantic partners who are total neat freaks. I think because I felt so disorganized and making myself try to conform to THEIR demands was a way of trying to cope. I mean I knew I was disorganized…so if I could do what they wanted me to do that meant I had achieved something, right? Yikes!

Diagnosis has given me a framework and the confidence to begin to structure my OWN life…and now that I’m doing that it makes sense I would butt heads with the neatniks of the world.

So…maybe I need my own desert island? Because I don’t need this kind of stress at home! No lifelong committments for me right now thanks!

According to Wikipedia.org, here is their meaning of unconditional love:

“Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one’s actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.”

As I ponder the idea that there may NOT be such a thing as UNconditional true love, I come to realize that most relationships, practices, traditions, laws, policies, educational facilities and workplaces all have “conditional” expectations.

When a husband and wife get married, they usually stand at the alter of the church to verbally state their wedding vows to one another during the wedding ceremony. This is the traditional wedding vow:

“I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

As we analyze the wedding vows, which plenty of us have literally said at one or more times in our lives, we see that marriage has particular expectations and rules. For instance, in our vow we are promising to love this individual “for better or for worse.”

Yet, in reality, statistics prove that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, due to the unmet expectations of the conditions within the marriage relationship. When individuals marry, they may expect the other spouse to love them unconditionally “for better and for worse,” but the sad truth is that many individuals discover that “for the worse” is actually MUCH WORSE than they ever imagined!

Realistically, can we expect individuals to unconditionally love their spouse “for better or for worse” when there is physical abuse, drug addictions, adulterous affairs, deception or criminal behavior?

The fact of the matter is that marriage does have a condition to it, whether you consider it the wedding vows or simple common sense expectations, such as expecting your spouse to not over indulge in gambling, drugs or pornography. We may not have placed our expectations in writing, but there still may be an understanding between husband and wife to follow the conditions.

Truly, this is definitely CONDITIONAL LOVE. The law will even stand behind particular conditions within the bounds of matrimony to protect the marriage relationship.

Perhaps, UNconditional true love does exist, except that there are boundaries to maintain this form of love. Within reason, two individuals could unconditionally love one another. The catch is that there are boundaries for each individual that must be respected and followed to remain UNconditional.

For instance, I may love my husband unconditionally, but my boundary consists of him actively staying monogamous. Therefore, as long as my husband respects my boundaries within our marriage, I will provide unconditional love. Does this make sense?

What I have discovered is that there are definite terms, policies, boundaries and/or expectations to be followed, especially in relationships. In a way, this may suggest that there is no such thing as UNconditional true love.

On the other hand, it could also be challenged that as long as individuals maintain the “boundary or stipulation” then there is unconditional love. Meaning, love is NOT measured, it flows forth freely, effortlessly and no matter what.

Bryan, you have me thinking very deep and trying to come to grips with this subject. As a hopeless romantic, I wanted to believe that there is such a thing as UNconditional true love, but in essence, I have acknowledged that there is definite rules, boundaries and expectations involving everything in life.

So congratulations to you for being willing to do that work

Had to explore similar territory in my own relationship recently…different issues, but I had to find out where “the line” was and not only did I figure it out, but made some really good decisions based on what I figured out.

When I was young I believe in “true love” and thought it somehow involved another person. Trial and error as an impulsive ADHDer actually helped me indicrectly…when you have that many relationship disasters it’s pretty easy to let ideals fall away. I tend to see relationships is pretty unromantic terms these days Doesn’t mean they don’t have value, just means my expectations are slightly more realistic.

I’ve been on and off with a guy for awhile and I told my therapist I wanted to be able to find out whether he wanted a relationship and if not, I wanted to move on because I was tired of the roller coaster ride. I know the ADD clouded my judgment about this man, because I look back on his lack of actions and know that if I’d been on meds when I first met him, I would’ve seen him for the player he is. The day after I saw my therapist and had read most of the book she gave me, I finally was able to get from him “its just sex, why complicate it?”

Ouch!! Those were my feelings he stomped on, but I got what I wanted – closure. Weird that it played out the day after I talked to my therapist about it. I was sad for a couple of days; but I think I was mad at myself for believing his B.S. more than anything. Long ago when my intuition (that I ignored) told me something wasn’t right in his actions, I shut off my feelings, and distanced my heart.

I’ve felt kind of lost in the year since my diagnosis; but after having all these things happen in the last five days, I feel incredibly calm, in control, happy, looking forward to the future. Knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way; with meds, counseling, CBT, and self acceptance. I’m on the road to healing. I have ADD but it doesn’t have me.

Second: Absolutely! Taking love seriously is incredibly important. Some of us just don’t realize how important, until it is too late and the shine has worn off.

Indeed, butting head’s is certainly going to happen in every relationship at one time or another, it depends on what that relationship is made of on whether it can stand the test of time. or ‘bumping head’s’ as you put it. Now, the part I have been thinking the most about and haven’t quite put together yet is the letting go part and if that love is meant to be, it will come back to you… that is a topic I plan on exploring in the near future… I would like to read more about what others think of the ‘if it is meant to be it will come back’ belief…

Thanks for your input Melissa.

My wife, Joan, is a Capricorn by the way