ADHD may make learning about relationships harder, but with it or without it, we are expected to own our own behavior and not blame it on other factors. I explain to my 5 year old daughter using two hands, one hand is you (the dominant hand) and the other is your behavior. You must be in control of your behavior. Emotions are like strings connecting you (dominant hand) and your behavior (weaker hand). If you (dominant hand) don’t take control, these strings will pull your behavior all over the place. You have to remember they are just strings, take ownership over the weaker hand (behavior) and elevate it. The less mature we are, the more our emotions (strings) control our behavior. Our behavior can drag us down this way, causing all kinds of issues with our emotional availability to others as well as damage to our reputation.
I believe that for many with personality or behavior disorders, they simply do not realize that they do in fact have an ability to take control over their emotions. They never grow out of the model of emotions taking charge of behavior, and actually believe that they are powerless over the whole thing. For you and many others with ADHD (part of the dominant hand), it complicates this relationship between you, your emotions and your behavior, but you are not excused from it. That is the stark reality of life, that no matter what happened to us, we cannot let our emotions take the wheel and expect it to be a smooth ride of fulfilling relationships and a successful career. So the hill may be steeper for you, you may have to take it into account and you may mature more slowly than others. On the up side, there are a lot of qualities you have that others don’t, like that famous hyper-focus, which can yield great things.
I have to say that some may disagree with me that we do not have control over our emotions. Emotions matter, but they play second fiddle to our identity. We shouldn’t feel guilty over our emotions, we own them in that they are uniquely ours. However we can and must take control and responsibility for our behavior.

Instead of working on his grad school portfolio, networking to further his career and pursing passions that will feed his soul…he whines that I’m just selfish and am too busy for him. He’s the master of coming up with all of the reasons that it’s my fault that he’s not meeting his “potential”…whatever that potential may be. Meanwhile he’s missing deadlines, feeling jealous (his words, not mine) because I have a ton of connections/resources in the community, and belittling my projects. Nope, I’m not owning that steaming pile of crap.

And…I’m not apologizing for my current focus on finally achieving something.

I have been extra driven in the last few years because I had this terrible (and no doubt very ADHD) feeling of having to “catch up” for all of the time I wasted through underachieving. Does that make my focus on my projects very intense? Yes. And armed with a new diagnosis of ADHD…I have been simultaneously been really busy, AND re-learning a lot of how I live my life, AND changing my brain chemicals three times in 6 months.

I know I’m very “about me” right now…but am I supposed to not go through the therapy and sorting that I need to go through…because I have a more important role to play as a distraction for someone who is currently working hardest at avoiding themselves?

He’s a grown man. Yes, he needs me perhaps, and there are lots of ways in which I’m happy to oblige. But I think I’m doing him AND me a favor though, by impeding his ambitions as a budding emotional vampire

I’ll stick around a while to see if he can take the wheel in his own life again…but it’s not my job, on top of everything else, to carry him. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for him…and…I only go into this much detail about it because…that narcissism label can be so destructive when misapplied. We ADHDers have enough challenges in learning appropriate boundaries between ourselves and others without having to bear the weight of others who aren’t working nearly as hard to be responsible for themselves

I also agree whole heartedly about sensory sensitivity. I tend to think this is even more difficult for people who don’t have it, to understand and also can lead to claims of narcissism when you refuse to go certain places, be in certain places or receive certain types of touches, or wear certain types of clothes, listen to certain music, watch certain types of movies etc… etc… it’s not even close to narcissism, but the uninformed and those who cannot empathize get these types of things easily confused with ‘you don’t want to’, ‘your selfish’, ‘don’t want to do things together’ etc… etc…

Have you been able to explain your sensitivities to others and find that they understand?

I have had counseling about my parents’ narcissistic issues, and read books on the subject. Sometimes I’ve felt that it describes me, too. My therapist says that the fact that I look at myself and seek to do better means I am NOT in that camp myself! A narcissist probably wouldn’t GET that they are one.

But feeling that I stand apart from others makes me feel superior at times, and also dang inferior. I go back and forth. Feeling sorry for myself is ego-driven, but I don’t stay there long.

And you hit it RIGHT on the head when you said: “When we search for answers to our very own behaviors, we invest a lot of time into self.” This drives my hubby crazy, and he feels at times I am very selfish. He is reading up on ADHD, so can see that I am often acting out of my need for understanding and to raise my self-esteem, but it is still an issue.

My biggest challenge is my sensory sensitivity. I feel that everything is too noisy, too uncomfortable, too crowded, etc. And I get really annoyed with modern life a lot. I tend to get angry and act as if others should accommodate me. I wish I could help it. That is where my selfishness comes out the most, but it is the thing I need the most. If I can’t block out the sensory stimulations I can’t function well.

Sorry this is so long, it is just where I am right now. I live in a city and want to leave for the countryside. Hubby isn’t sure, but we’re talking. Wish me luck!

Personally, yes, I believe that there is a certain “self-centeredness” that is necessary to achieve certain goals. That’s not the same thing as narcissism. Having your self at the center of your ambitions is not a bad thing, and it often is necessary to getting ahead in certain endeavors. It does not mean bowling others over, ignoring others’ needs. It DOES require total honesty about your life path.

My b-friend and I have a lot of conflict over this. When I was younger I really didn’t tend to myself as well as I should have. Now that I’m ready to be more self-focused and pursue a few of my own goals…he feels left out. But he is someone who himself, has never really focused on his own goals. I always tell him that this relationship gives him the gift of space to pursue his own goals…I also was honest from the beginning that my priorities were school, work, and a few side projects that needed more of my time in my beginning to develop.

He just wants someone who wants to sit around and watch movies…okay first of all, as an ADHDer that is not my idea of a good time, and second, if that was what he REALLY wanted, he never would have picked me, lol.

So…this stuff creates a lot of conflict. But for once in my life I’m sticking with my guns and dedicating myself to my projects. I’m not going to give up grad school, and all of the other neat stuff I’m finally doing for myself just to make him happy. And I am NOT a narcissist. I’m not going to say I’m always easy to live with either, lol, but that doesn’t make me a narcissist.