Comments on: Goodbye http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/ ADD ADHD Attention Deficit Disorder my thoughts Blog Sun, 25 Jul 2010 09:44:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Cookie http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-29130 Cookie Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:08:23 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-29130 Just those bittersweet, lost opportunity, can relate to, kind of tears Bryan...... Just those bittersweet, lost opportunity, can relate to, kind of tears Bryan……

]]> By: Dana http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-29118 Dana Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:23:27 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-29118 Bryan, You mentioned something that I have heard often, especially after a painful breakup of a relationship. You wrote, "Sometimes people are put in our path to teach us valuable lessons and the lessons could mean all the difference with the right person."If this saying is really true than I have had MORE valuable lessons to last a lifetime!  Perhaps, that is how I came up with my one motto, "Live & Learn?"  The brutal truth is that living & learning is both joyful & painful, remarkable & frustrating, satisfying & disappointing, glorious & humbling, but for most ADDer's, living & learning is far from dull, simple or quick.  Much like an ongoing soap opera, the ADDer saga, especially pertaining to love, are quite dramatic, powerful, intense and explosive.  Therefore, when an unanticipated breakup may occur, for the average ADDer, it is an EARTH SHATTERING experience! I am completely mystified how two individuals who know each other very well, who have seen both good and bad about one another, who have shared deep love and meaningful moments, can somehow go in two different directions, totally misread how the other feels, not understand when something is wrong and wake up one day to see a stranger staring right into your eyes to say those two little words, "It's over."  How did the one individual NOT realize that something was absolutely wrong in the relationship?  More importantly, how could that someone end up being ME?Mind you, I consider myself a very AWARE and OBSERVANT individual with excellent common sense.  So how the heck did I find myself on the other end of the phone hearing those two little words?Looking back on it now, it seems like only yesterday when I met this wonderful guy.  Immediately, we got along very well, enjoyed one another's company, laughed at each other's jokes, shared the same faith & values, loved the same music and had many of the same interests.  From the first date onward, we went out every single weekend.  When we were busy with other responsibilities, we would spend hours chatting & laughing on the phone.  The most important thing is that we were friends FIRST.  I purposely was careful to not be impulsive or make any hasty decisions that I would later regret.  We did not rush into anything serious and we took our time to get to know one another.  For me, that is a huge accomplishment because I usually fall QUICKLY into serious relationships.  I was so proud of myself for taking it slowly, for not rushing anything, for taking one day at a time.  When I look back on our relationship, I still do not recall seeing all the telltale signs of a possible breakup on the horizon.  Instead, I recall all the mushy and romantic things that most females gush over!Like the time he took me to a party with his friends and as he slowed danced with me, he romantically sang into my ear.  Oh, my gosh!  It simply made my heart flutter!Or how about the time he took me to Starbucks and we sat for hours talking, laughing and sharing our deepest dreams.  I will never forget that this was the night he asked me about having a long-term future with him.  (As in wedding bells were ringing!)The longer we were involved, the more he spoke to me about marriage, about the types of vacations that I prefer, about where I would want to live and how I feel about parenting.Frankly, I felt that we both were on the same page, we both cared very much for each other and we both were dating exclusively.  This was the kindest, most considerate, giving, polite, respectful, sensitive, intelligent, upbeat, romantic and fun guy who I thought the world of!  Until one evening.......When he called me on the telephone and he did not sound like his usual cheerful self.  Out of know where, the conversation went from strange to bad to very awful!  I was SPEECHLESS!  Just like that, out of thin air, for no reason at all (or that I was aware of!) the love of my life dumped me!  My heart felt as if it was shredded to a million pieces.....Tears would not stop falling......My head felt numb.......Life felt as if it suddenly came to a complete HALT!The sun was no longer shining, the birds were no longer singing, my days dragged by endlessly, the sky was grey and my life felt as if a cloud was over my head wherever I went.  What hurt the most for me was that I thought this man, the love of my life, was my BEST FRIEND.  I missed his voice, his laugh, his singing softly in my ears, his reassuring encouragement that brightened up each day.  But most of all, I missed my friend so very much that it hurt as I have never hurt before.The saying that time does heal is probably true.  At first, I would never had agreed, due to being so heartbroken, but now that I look back, I clearly see that with time, my heart did begin to heal.With time, my life gradually continued on without the love of my life.......Day by day, week by week, month by month, I forced myself to let go of the heartwrenching pain, let go of the beautiful memories, let go of the complete happiness that we once shared so long ago.  For me, time did heal my broken heart and life did eventually brighten up for me.  Yet, I will never know why or how or when something must have gone wrong in the relationship?  Could it be ADHD?  Perhaps, but what could really sum up the reason for the unexpected ending of the relationship is said in three little words:LOVE IS BLIND............. Bryan, You mentioned something that I have heard often, especially after a painful breakup of a relationship. You wrote, “Sometimes people are put in our path to teach us valuable lessons and
the lessons could mean all the difference with the right person.”If this saying is really true than I have had MORE valuable lessons to last a lifetime!  Perhaps, that is how I came up with my one motto, “Live & Learn?”  The brutal truth is that living & learning is both joyful & painful, remarkable & frustrating, satisfying & disappointing, glorious & humbling, but for most ADDer’s, living & learning is far from dull, simple or quick.  Much like an ongoing soap opera, the ADDer saga, especially pertaining to love, are quite dramatic, powerful, intense and explosive.  Therefore, when an unanticipated breakup may occur, for the average ADDer, it is an EARTH SHATTERING experience! I am completely mystified how two individuals who know each other very well, who have seen both good and bad about one another, who have shared deep love and meaningful moments, can somehow go in two different directions, totally misread how the other feels, not understand when something is wrong and wake up one day to see a stranger staring right into your eyes to say those two little words, “It’s over.”  How did the one individual NOT realize that something was absolutely wrong in the relationship?  More importantly, how could that someone end up being ME?Mind you, I consider myself a very AWARE and OBSERVANT individual with excellent common sense.  So how the heck did I find myself on the other end of the phone hearing those two little words?Looking back on it now, it seems like only yesterday when I met this wonderful guy.  Immediately, we got along very well, enjoyed one another’s company, laughed at each other’s jokes, shared the same faith & values, loved the same music and had many of the same interests.  From the first date onward, we went out every single weekend.  When we were busy with other responsibilities, we would spend hours chatting & laughing on the phone.  The most important thing is that we were friends FIRST.  I purposely was careful to not be impulsive or make any hasty decisions that I would later regret.  We did not rush into anything serious and we took our time to get to know one another.  For me, that is a huge accomplishment because I usually fall QUICKLY into serious relationships.  I was so proud of myself for taking it slowly, for not rushing anything, for taking one day at a time.  When I look back on our relationship, I still do not recall seeing all the telltale signs of a possible breakup on the horizon.  Instead, I recall all the mushy and romantic things that most females gush over!Like the time he took me to a party with his friends and as he slowed danced with me, he romantically sang into my ear.  Oh, my gosh!  It simply made my heart flutter!Or how about the time he took me to Starbucks and we sat for hours talking, laughing and sharing our deepest dreams.  I will never forget that this was the night he asked me about having a long-term future with him.  (As in wedding bells were ringing!)The longer we were involved, the more he spoke to me about marriage, about the types of vacations that I prefer, about where I would want to live and how I feel about parenting.Frankly, I felt that we both were on the same page, we both cared very much for each other and we both were dating exclusively.  This was the kindest, most considerate, giving, polite, respectful, sensitive, intelligent, upbeat, romantic and fun guy who I thought the world of!  Until one evening…….When he called me on the telephone and he did not sound like his usual cheerful self.  Out of know where, the conversation went from strange to bad to very awful!  I was SPEECHLESS!  Just like that, out of thin air, for no reason at all (or that I was aware of!) the love of my life dumped me!  My heart felt as if it was shredded to a million pieces…..Tears would not stop falling……My head felt numb…….Life felt as if it suddenly came to a complete HALT!The sun was no longer shining, the birds were no longer singing, my days dragged by endlessly, the sky was grey and my life felt as if a cloud was over my head wherever I went.  What hurt the most for me was that I thought this man, the love of my life, was my BEST FRIEND.  I missed his voice, his laugh, his singing softly in my ears, his reassuring encouragement that brightened up each day.  But most of all, I missed my friend so very much that it hurt as I have never hurt before.The saying that time does heal is probably true.  At first, I would never had agreed, due to being so heartbroken, but now that I look back, I clearly see that with time, my heart did begin to heal.With time, my life gradually continued on without the love of my life…….Day by day, week by week, month by month, I forced myself to let go of the heartwrenching pain, let go of the beautiful memories, let go of the complete happiness that we once shared so long ago.  For me, time did heal my broken heart and life did eventually brighten up for me.  Yet, I will never know why or how or when something must have gone wrong in the relationship?  Could it be ADHD?  Perhaps, but what could really sum up the reason for the unexpected ending of the relationship is said in three little words:LOVE IS BLIND………….

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28770 Bryan Hutchinson Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:59:50 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28770 <p>Hi Clarissa and thank you. From emails and comments I am getting just a tad nervous. My posts about my experiences in relationships and the many goodbyes are not intended for people to read them and think they should break up. When I talk about goodbyes, I am referring to relationships that are in the past and goodbye has already been said, but we have difficulty getting over and past them. Some relationships can be worked out and improved, if both are willing and wanting. However, with that said, as adults I do think each person knows what is best for their personal situation. </p> <p>I agree that you are worth finding that someone who will think you are very special, but let me add, right here, that you are very special and my validation doesn't make it so, because, you already are!</p> <p>Bryan</p> Hi Clarissa and thank you. From emails and comments I am getting just a tad nervous. My posts about my experiences in relationships and the many goodbyes are not intended for people to read them and think they should break up. When I talk about goodbyes, I am referring to relationships that are in the past and goodbye has already been said, but we have difficulty getting over and past them. Some relationships can be worked out and improved, if both are willing and wanting. However, with that said, as adults I do think each person knows what is best for their personal situation.

I agree that you are worth finding that someone who will think you are very special, but let me add, right here, that you are very special and my validation doesn’t make it so, because, you already are!

Bryan

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28767 Bryan Hutchinson Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:12:04 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28767 <p>I am sorry to hear about that Jacquelyn. Hopefully the lessons in this relationship will be of benefit to you in a future relationship. Sometimes we meet certain people for a reason. I am sorry to hear about the children too, that's always hard and, sad. I know we tend to think 'if people want to' is all it takes, sometimes though, they need to accept help in their efforts to overcome and if they are not willing to accept any help the struggle can become seemingly impossible.<br /><br />Bests Jacquelyn!<br /><br />Bryan</p> I am sorry to hear about that Jacquelyn. Hopefully the lessons in this relationship will be of benefit to you in a future relationship. Sometimes we meet certain people for a reason. I am sorry to hear about the children too, that’s always hard and, sad. I know we tend to think ‘if people want to’ is all it takes, sometimes though, they need to accept help in their efforts to overcome and if they are not willing to accept any help the struggle can become seemingly impossible.

Bests Jacquelyn!

Bryan

]]> By: Jacquelyn http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28761 Jacquelyn Mon, 16 Nov 2009 06:41:07 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28761 I agree that we often receive the very things we send out into the universe as our expectations, that we draw those things to ourselves.  My expectations for the relationship (and him, if I do say so myself) were originally very high, but they lowered as I got to know him better and the impulsiveness wore off and I could see things more clearly.  I wanted the relationship to work out so badly, not the least of which was he has young children.In a more direct answer to your question, the bottom line i set was for him not to do drugs. Which he did.  Again.  A recovering addict, I'd really hoped he could change because I know people can if they want to.  I <strong>left</strong> that 2 year relationship this morning.  Though I'm very sad, I take comfort in the idea of there being fresh beginnings just waiting for me.  I'm going to start by saying hello to my self and the rest of the world in a way that I haven't for a long time.  I expect the universe to bring wonderful things my way! I agree that we often receive the very things we send out into the universe as our expectations, that we draw those things to ourselves.  My expectations for the relationship (and him, if I do say so myself) were originally very high, but they lowered as I got to know him better and the impulsiveness wore off and I could see things more clearly.  I wanted the relationship to work out so badly, not the least of which was he has young children.In a more direct answer to your question, the bottom line i set was for him not to do drugs. Which he did.  Again.  A recovering addict, I’d really hoped he could change because I know people can if they want to.  I left that 2 year relationship this morning.  Though I’m very sad, I take comfort in the idea of there being fresh beginnings just waiting for me.  I’m going to start by saying hello to my self and the rest of the world in a way that I haven’t for a long time.  I expect the universe to bring wonderful things my way!

]]> By: Clarissa http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28754 Clarissa Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:54:40 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28754 Wow Brian, thanks is really all I can say.  Your posts lately have been so very timely for me, and I've been working very hard on knowing what to do with my own marriage.  I have decided that the writing is more than on the wall and I need to accept that it is probably over.  HI that's ME!!I am having some of those regrets, but mostly that I married in the first place.  When you said this, I got another nudge: "It’s better to be with someone in love and not someone who just doesn’t want to be alone. <em>You know who I am talking about."  </em>HI that's ME!!  Oh, I thought I was in love 10 years ago, I found a sweet, gentle person who thought I was great.  I now know that there were big red flags (uh, panic attacks on the honeymoon anyone???).  I know see that I had just wanted to be off of the romance roller-coaster, which for us ADDers can be even bumpier than for others.  No, this choice was sensible, safe, and sure!  Funny how it wasn't. We love each other, but haven't been in love for a few years now.   Many of our issues have been about things I've done or my changeable moods, my "crazy" ideas, etc.  I am a passionate woman who married a mostly unpassionate man.  It isn't our fault, we are just very different.  And for us, caring about each other means that we now have to work out a way to let each other go so we can be free to be ourselves again.I really loved what you said about finding that "very special type of person to not only love, but to live with and appreciate us."  I am starting to think that I am worth finding that someone who will think that I am very special, and who I can appreciate in turn.  I have so much love to give which has been stifled.  I simply have to let go of the hurts and move forward into another "hello."  :) Wow Brian, thanks is really all I can say.  Your posts lately have been so very timely for me, and I’ve been working very hard on knowing what to do with my own marriage.  I have decided that the writing is more than on the wall and I need to accept that it is probably over.  HI that’s ME!!I am having some of those regrets, but mostly that I married in the first place.  When you said this, I got another nudge: “It’s better to be with someone in love and not someone who just doesn’t want to be alone. You know who I am talking about.”  HI that’s ME!!  Oh, I thought I was in love 10 years ago, I found a sweet, gentle person who thought I was great.  I now know that there were big red flags (uh, panic attacks on the honeymoon anyone???).  I know see that I had just wanted to be off of the romance roller-coaster, which for us ADDers can be even bumpier than for others.  No, this choice was sensible, safe, and sure!  Funny how it wasn’t. We love each other, but haven’t been in love for a few years now.   Many of our issues have been about things I’ve done or my changeable moods, my “crazy” ideas, etc.  I am a passionate woman who married a mostly unpassionate man.  It isn’t our fault, we are just very different.  And for us, caring about each other means that we now have to work out a way to let each other go so we can be free to be ourselves again.I really loved what you said about finding that “very special type of person to not only love, but to live with and appreciate us.”  I am starting to think that I am worth finding that someone who will think that I am very special, and who I can appreciate in turn.  I have so much love to give which has been stifled.  I simply have to let go of the hurts and move forward into another “hello.”  :)

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28731 Bryan Hutchinson Sun, 15 Nov 2009 10:39:36 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28731 <p>Hi Jacquelyn,</p> <p>Nobody deserves to be in a toxic relationship and there's nothing wrong with seeking help. Please, by all means, do that. Nothing is shameful about seeking help, no, no, nothing at all! I do have a question though. When you say you set the lines for him pretty low... what were the lines? Sometimes, I think actually quite often, we get what we expect and set ourselves up for failure without realizing it... No, it's not your fault, just wondering...</p> <p>Bryan </p> Hi Jacquelyn,

Nobody deserves to be in a toxic relationship and there’s nothing wrong with seeking help. Please, by all means, do that. Nothing is shameful about seeking help, no, no, nothing at all! I do have a question though. When you say you set the lines for him pretty low… what were the lines? Sometimes, I think actually quite often, we get what we expect and set ourselves up for failure without realizing it… No, it’s not your fault, just wondering…

Bryan

]]> By: Jacquelyn http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28693 Jacquelyn Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:01:58 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28693 These postings are incredibly inspirational .  I AM in a toxic relationship and must get out of it if I'm to be happy.  The longer I stay, the more entangled I become.  My artner  now even crossed the line, done one of the three things I told him I would leave him over  if he did. (My bottom lines for him not to cross were set pretty low.)Still, I make up reasons why I can't leave.  Codependence, anyone?What I've decided is to go see a therapist to work on this issue.  I feel ashamed that that's what I need to do, but I have accepted the fact that I need some help getting out of this.Then, like the rest of you, I can joyfully say hello to myself and to the world!  :grin: Thanks for the postings!  These postings are incredibly inspirational .  I AM in a toxic relationship and must get out of it if I’m to be happy.  The longer I stay, the more entangled I become.  My artner  now even crossed the line, done one of the three things I told him I would leave him over  if he did. (My bottom lines for him not to cross were set pretty low.)Still, I make up reasons why I can’t leave.  Codependence, anyone?What I’ve decided is to go see a therapist to work on this issue.  I feel ashamed that that’s what I need to do, but I have accepted the fact that I need some help getting out of this.Then, like the rest of you, I can joyfully say hello to myself and to the world!  :grin: Thanks for the postings! 

]]> By: Jacquelyn http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28692 Jacquelyn Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:54:30 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28692 Cookie,His title of "goobye" terrified me as well!  Was incredibly relieved that this was his topic, not his message to the participants at the ADDerWorld blog! Cookie,His title of “goobye” terrified me as well!  Was incredibly relieved that this was his topic, not his message to the participants at the ADDerWorld blog!

]]> By: Bryan Hutchinson http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2009/11/13/goodbye/comment-page-1/#comment-28684 Bryan Hutchinson Sat, 14 Nov 2009 09:52:05 +0000 http://adderworld.com/blog1/?p=2827#comment-28684 <p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class=MsoNormal><font face=Calibri>Gosh no Cookie! I am sorry the title of this post came across this way, hence the subtitle. However, you are not the only one that thought that, I got swamped with emails asking me what was going on, but they hadn't read the post... oops! Thank you for your support, I am glad you find 'the good stuff' in my posts that you can relate with. I don't want to bring you to tears though, no, not that.</font></p> Gosh no Cookie! I am sorry the title of this post came across this way, hence the subtitle. However, you are not the only one that thought that, I got swamped with emails asking me what was going on, but they hadn’t read the post… oops! Thank you for your support, I am glad you find ‘the good stuff’ in my posts that you can relate with. I don’t want to bring you to tears though, no, not that.

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