Comments on: You can’t take it back – what is said is said – ADHD impulsivity

By: Tess Messer

Tess Messer — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:42:11 +0000

I believe that one of the most difficult things for parents of Hyperactive/Impulsive ADHD children to learn is to take the things that these kids say to you, no matter how hurtful, with a huge pound of salt.

It is one thing to say the first thing that comes to your mind and be embarrassed. That is bad but it is a complete ‘home wrecker’ when the first thing that comes to your mind is really dark, really angry, and really vengeful.

Many Hyperactive/Impulsive children cannot control those ‘home wrecker’ thoughts. They often feel so out of control and frustrated that they find it impossible to shake off this constant irritability that they live with.

It is almost like they have this terrible thing that is stuck to their brain, a crown of thorns, filled with negative thoughts, sadness, anger, despair. They blurt out that they hate you, that you are the worst parent in the world, and that they wish that you were dead, when what they really mean to say is;

“Mommy, the pain in my head is unbearable. I am so sad, so frustrated, and so angry that I cannot control the things that I say. I am trying my best, Mommy, so how can this possibly be my fault? Please help me Mommy, I am a child and children should not have to bear a brain that is so out of control and so difficult.”

Learning to hear those words instead of the words that the Hyperactive/Impulsive child is screaming at you is a skill that takes practice and patience but I believe that if a parent can master it, they may well be giving their child an ADHD treatment more effective and more valuable than money can buy.

Thanks for getting me to think about this Brian!!

http://primarilyinattentiveadd.com

By: tere

tere — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:19:35 +0000

One of the worst losses of my life occured as a result of this symptom. I lost the best friend I have ever had, truly a platonic soul mate when I blurted out something hateful that I meant, but never, ever should have said to her in a total “ADD Moment” I have wished I could take back ever since. She had stopped by to chat with me after work one day and we were hanging out as usual when she told me that she and her fiance were considering having a child together. She already had two children and was not a very patient, loving, or giving mom to them at all. Without even thinking, I blurted out “Oh, for God’s sake, why don’t you figure out how to take care of the two you already have before you think of bringing another one into the world?” The look of shock and pain on her face after I dropped that bomb will haunt me for the rest of my life. She walked out of my house and out of my life that day and that was 10 years ago and not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed her. I am afraid to get too close to people now except my husband and kids because I don’t trust myself to behave appropriately all the time despite my best intentions. This is one of the biggest regrets of my life, and it is all very much a part of the wonderful world of ADD.

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 07:02:41 +0000

Welcome to ADDer World Wendy, I am glad you found us! “ADHD doesn’t exist!?” What?! I am cured?! Oh, I never had it. Whatever! You’re with us now Over time I have discovered there is a huge difference between the way we describe ADHD and those who do not have ADHD describe it, even when it comes to some without ADHD, but know the symptoms and behaviors better than I do! There’s emotion and personal experience missing from the inside. This isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, sometimes it is a good thing – depending on who it is coming from, of course!

I look forward to reading more about you and your life with ADHD!

Bryan

By: Wendy

Wendy — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:49:13 +0000

Having only recently joined this group (never having blogged or joined chat groups before in my life!) I am so so so so relating to all this… everything I read I relate to and Bryan, I could not agree more – that those who do not have ADHD cannot begin to understand nor describe what goes on in our heads every day. I have found it so frustrating when well intentioned friends say stuff like “oh everyone gets embarrassed by stuff they have said now and then” or “its perfectly normal for everyone to get a bit forgetful, its not ADHD” …”its just your personality, go easy on yourself”… “but you can concentrate – look at all the degrees you have” blah blah blah…

… I’ve just begun a wonderful journey of accepting who I am and your site is awesome and I am looking forward to purchasing your books, both those already published and especially the one to come!

By the way, just to let you know, even though diagnosed almost a year ago I was too chicken to search for stuff on the net about ADHD because of all the negative stuff I read initially and all the stigma, bad press saying its a made up condition. I actually stumbled across your site by accident – when my youngest (11 yr old) daughter – diagnosed 2008 – screamed at me one morning in one of her frustrating self-depreciating moments, “Mum, I can’t even get my hair right, I’m just a stupid ADHD idiot – not Einstein OKAY!!” and this particular time, my response was to say “hey many people believe Einstein had ADHD – sorry kiddo can’t convince me your stupid” I then promptly googled Einstein and ADHD so as to give her evidence that I wasn’t making it up.

When I later sat down to browse some of the sites that came up on from the google search many negative “it doesn’t exist” sites came up (of course) including one saying we are just harming our creative geniuses by labeling them and drugging them. I almost gave up reading stuff again… but somehow I got to your site … and I read and read and read …. And joined – That was a few days ago and it has opened up a whole new world for me! THANK YOU

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:39:18 +0000

Yeah Katy! I know you have Jeff have read my first book “One Boy’s Struggle” and within that book I discuss my life with ADHD, as well as PTSD, and I mentioned this issue about recalling a moment (saying something, doing something) and remembering it year’s later again and again, cringing, regretting. What I mean to say here is, isn’t it just absolutely incredible how closely we can relate. I know there are some who help us or assist us that don’t have ADHD, but it is so true that to know us, to understand us, is to be one of us, to live what we have lived and to experience the experiences we have experienced! What amazes me is that when I first wrote “One Boy’s Struggle” I had yet to meet you or Jeff, or so many ADDers like I have come to know and relate to over the last few years.

Amazing isn’t it!?!

Bryan

By: Katy B.

Katy B. — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:28:34 +0000

“When I read this post there was a related problem that came to mind. I’ll call it “the embarrassment echo.” It’s the embarrassment you felt when you said something wrong and then, years later, whatever you said still echoes in your head – often accompanied by that same feeling of embarrassment. It’s like you are reliving that moment again and again.”

JEFF: YES, TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

And tangents…dammit…I really hate my tangents sometimes. I get really embarrassed about that.

By: Katy B.

Katy B. — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:26:06 +0000

Haaaaaaaaa…sometimes I love the stuff that flies out of my mouth. (Sometimes I don’t.)

The latest hilarity…I take my boyfriend to the ER last week. I’m sitting on his bed and he’s joking that it’s going to take so long for someone to get around to seeing him that we may as well make the most of it. Nurse comes in. Says she’s there to check his vital signs…as she’s putting a sensor on his finger to check his pulse I am suddenly confronted in my head with the comment “I think you’re checking the wrong body part.”…I tried to be good…and I didn’t say it…but I was sitting there on the bed and was suddenly doubled over laughing hysterically…and couldn’t stop…she finally asked what was wrong…I told her my ADHD meds had worn off, because dammit, if you can’t say it in a hospital, where CAN you say it…after she left, I told him and he thought it was funny to so then there were 2 ADHDers giggling relentlessly.

I really love watching him try to control his comments too…yesterday we’re visiting his parents and I notice as everyone’s talking that he suddenly gets his “I’m about to say something I shouldn’t” face, but he’s laughing in his head, then he’s nervous because he’s afraid he’s going to say it, then his mouth starts to twitch. You can always see it all right there on his face, a whole gamut of mechanical acts of restraint. I asked him what it was later and it really was a good thing he hadn’t said anything!

By: Scott Hutson

Scott Hutson — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 15:15:44 +0000

I’ve used some techniques I learned from self defence training, when I was a younger man, that are similar to those (physically).

I think these ones you suggested are well worth trying when it comes to self discipline of my communication. Thank You, Bryan!

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 11:05:12 +0000

Actually, that’s an intriguing thought. Have you tried meditation, tai chi or yoga? Those things do help us sort of “Edit our minds” Seriously, tai chi has been amazing for me! And funny thing, I barely know how to do it well, but what I do know, does help.

By: Bryan Hutchinson

Bryan Hutchinson — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 11:02:50 +0000

Oh yes, Larry!! It’s interesting how a moment of great wit, seems, well so interesting, but the looks of bemusement on others tells another story altogether. I think you are very wise indeed to focus on being nice, responsible and sensitive. Kudos!!