Let’s face it, we are all just a tad too serious most of the time and we take ourselves just a little too seriously. When you are under constant threats, deadlines, making the grade or trying to improve yourself, it’s hard to let your hair down and relax, but sometimes I think that is exactly what we need to do.

I am learning to relax, chill-out and not take things so dog-gone seriously. We can get way too caught up in all the things we want to do and the goals we set for ourselves that when it looks like we are not going to achieve something, anything, it becomes the biggest let down ever, you know, like EVER – the sky is falling and quickly too! Let’s just take a moment and breathe. Take that deep breath in and hold it for a few seconds, then let it out slowly. See how much better everything is? Well, it might take a few times, but don’t hold your breath too long.

Hey, it’s not your fault! The educational systems, society and modern life have made everything so excruciatingly stressful. If you feel as though you are under constant threat, that there is always an emergency and things just have got to be done right now, this minute! You’re right, that’s how the modern world has become and that’s why we end up with the world changing at a speed not even flash Gordon could catch up with. Or am I talking about that other Flash guy? See, I can’t even catch up with that.

We are rushing, rushing, rushing. We have got to have the new thing right now! Ipad anyone? Well, if we can afford all the new things out there. I have to pass for now, besides it is just not the right size for me. I need something more between the iphone and the ipad, so my thumbs can type at a speed fast enough to keep up with my hyper mind! But, alas, I digress, because you know what? It’s not all that serious. If I really try, I can wait. Apple always has a revolutionary new product coming out and they will get the size right just for me, if I choose to wait, but can I? Of course, I think I can. Shoot! I’ll buy it today! Don’t tell Joan, ’cause I will hide it under my pillow – that’s just between you and me, so don’t go spoiling it for me. No, no, no! I will wait… I think.

This brings me to the two movies which have really, absolutely, totally made my winter and spring: Avatar and How to Train Your Dragon!

My ADHD mind just salivates at the thought of those two movies and what they did for me. What did they do for me? Let me think, if I can remember. Ah yes, they allowed me to take a few hours off from the world (that’s why I couldn’t remember) and just enjoy the splendors of fantastical colors, love in a fantasy world (oh, sweet, love) and above all, they allowed me to soar with them in the clouds on the wings of dragons! WEEEEEEE!

What more can I want? A good story? Hey, see how easy it is to get serious again? Well, How to Train Your Dragon has a wonderful story and Avatar, well, Avatar basically throws the idea of a good story in your face with Unobtainium (you know, that stuff you can’t get – you did get that, right?)! Although I thought the relationships within Avatar were rather well done (and corny too), I was more interested in the colors, the flight and the beautiful world Cameron created as eye candy! If Avatar wasn’t an ohhhh shiny, then I don’t know what it was and I don’t know anyone who went to see it for the story! Did you? C’mon, you can admit it, we won’t tell anyone.

All I am trying to say is that from time to time we need to realize how important it is to just chillax! If we don’t find ways to laugh and enjoy the splendors of life without all the I just gotta get this done right now or the world will explode into a million zillion pieces, we are going to crash and burn-out, but with just a fizzle.

So, here’s my recommendation: At least one day a week find your child within and just allow yourself to enjoy something, anything – a movie, a walk, or just daydream all day with total abandon! Give yourself permission to goof off. We can all think of a million reasons why we can’t let even the slightest moment pass, but guess what, it’s all going to pass anyway, seriously. The more reasons that you can think of that won’t allow you to relax for a day, well, take it from me, that’s all the more reasons to do it!

What do you enjoy the most? What refreshes you and makes you smile a mile a minute? You know that something that makes your day pass like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day. Do that, enjoy that!

WOOO HOOO – Can you catch me?!!!!?

Let your child within go outside to play, or if it is raining outside, let loose inside!

~Bryan

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In love and happiness, for better or worse, in sadness and sorrow.

The days go by, countless they pass. I remember the days gone by, the walks late at night and your glistening hair in the moon light. I remember those days. I remember running across a bridge to capture your heart as you captured mine.

For better or worse, I may be flawed, but I love you.

I never thought there was a love so strong, so powerful. I never thought someone could capture me in rapture and delight, in pain and misery and in happiness and laughter. Life is all of those things, as is love. And love, my dear, is life. Without your love I was lost, with your love I have been found.

I am so lucky. For so long I wasn’t.

Yes, I am flawed. You know that and you love me anyway. You offer me your smile in the morning, your call during the day and your hold as the night comes. What did I do to deserve it so? Your love. What did I do to deserve you? I don’t know, but with open arms I am here – grateful and in admiration.

I watch you sleep now, so peaceful and so calm you lay there. And yet, you can be a fire, a burning furnace in the light of day, you can put me in my place and then hold me close.

Yes, I am flawed.

But you know that’s okay, because at least with you, I am whole. Now, oh sweet precious now, with you, I am a better man.

I love you, even though, yes, indeed, I am flawed.

~Bryan

Finding the right person can change the world, even if you are, as I am, flawed.

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New Book in 2010

I think you’re going to enjoy this book!

Please feel free to subscribe to the email updates to be notified when published!

~Bryan

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I have written posts indicating that ADHD is not always the culprit in a broken relationship. I sincerely do not believe everything and anything is the fault, or should be blamed on an ADHD partner.

However, with that said:

ADHD can have devastating effects on relationships. I don’t think that’s a secret. Still, if anyone with ADHD is in a relationship and has avoided seeking help or proper treatment, or has been uncertain if doing so will help, then my best suggestion is to seek treatment because, yes, your ADHD could certainly be the cause of relationship hardships, or it could be complicating an otherwise beautiful, worth-it relationship.

Diagnosis with proper treatment will not only help make relationships better and more fulfilling, but proper treatment can make one’s entire life more rewarding and satisfying.

Diagnosis with proper treatment equals more out of life!

It really does.

Diagnosis and treatment are not magic wands though. Treatment still involves a lot of work. Some of the issues we have with ADHD, especially when not yet diagnosed, is that many of us have also developed certain ‘habits’ to cope and not all of our coping habits are as helpful as we might like.

Let’s go over a little list together and let’s see if anything sounds familiar.

ADHD could be affecting your relationship if…

• If a coping mechanism is simply not to talk at all with your partner to keep from saying the wrong thing. If you’re not communicating, the relationship isn’t going to make it.
• If your partner complains that s/he can never get a word in edgewise, especially about important issues, because: a) you are interrupting or take over b) you change the subject as if something else caught your attention c) assume what s/he is going to say and therefore blurt something else out impulsively, or d) all of the above or similar. Yes, you could be an ADDer and if so, treatment will help. The appreciation rock routine, which Joan and I developed ourselves for our relationship, could help yours as well. Get a nice small, smooth rock, call it an appreciation rock and while one person is talking they hold the rock, neither party is allowed to interrupt or speak while the other is holding the appreciation rock. When one person is completely finished speaking, they hand the appreciation rock to the other, it’s their turn. We call it an appreciation rock because nothing should be spoken in anger or accusingly while holding it, and just as importantly, we tune ourselves to listen appreciatively. You will soon notice how difficult this is at first, especially if it is already an issue, but over time this may go a long way to better communication and understanding, or at least demonstrate how much interrupting is an issue.
• If you’re avoiding the bills because you need that latest game or other highly stimulating entertainment, yes, then that is more than likely an issue affecting your relationship.
• If you’re using alcohol to work your way through issues, or, avoid them, it’s a very good idea to seek help. Proper treatment for ADHD can help reduce the need for such; however, this area needs professional care and support too. Please, do seek help. There is no shame in seeking help. I was very lucky in this area, because I grew up working in my father’s restaurants and grew to detest even the slightest smell of alcohol.
• If you are constantly in failing relationships and the same issues tend to come back to haunt you, then looking in the mirror is a good idea. If you have ADHD, addressing ADHD with proper treatment will make a world of difference. Don’t take yourself for granted, because really, if anyone with ADHD doesn’t seek proper professional treatment in some form, it comes down to taking one’s self for granted and remember, we can’t get the time back that is lost due to avoidance. I know we can’t get any lost time back, but when it comes to avoidance, the regret that comes later sure seems to hurt a lot more.
• If you are always concerned about your needs being fulfilled and you are not aware of your partner’s needs, then ADHD can be the culprit. It’s important to remember that we, as ADDers, tend to think of ourselves, first, second and well, third too. Our partners have needs, wants and desires too, if those are not fulfilled it could eventually lead to the partner seeking to have those needs, wants and desires fulfilled elsewhere. Treatment for ADHD can help us look outside of ourselves and realize our partner’s needs are relevant and not only deserve, but need attention too!
• If you leave things undone around the house, not cleaning up spills, leaving the dishes in the sink, not cleaning up dirt tracked in, or not letting the dog out on time etc. Trust me, this is affecting your relationship even if your partner doesn’t complain… yet. This behavior comes across as childish and ultra disrespectful, but it is not meant to be and it is a very common trait of ADHD. You know that and I know that. One’s first response could be to get out of the relationship because that will never change. Proper treatment of ADHD can help improve such behavior and I believe, when you’re in that special relationship, you will more than likely want to change and get the help you need. Wanting-to is not enough when it comes to ADHD though, that’s why it is a disorder; therefore, proper professional treatment is imperative.
• If you are constantly forgetting things, like picking up the kids, anniversaries, birthdays and other special events which mean as much to your partner as they do you, then your ADHD is affecting your relationship. Out of all the symptoms, I think this is the one where we have to take a moment and realize that when we are forgotten, or left out, or neglected, there are few, few things that hurt us more. Think about it: Have you ever felt neglected or forgotten? We know how it feels, don’t we? Take that in. Feel it for a moment. People without ADHD feel emotionally too, they hurt too, they have feelings and need satisfaction as much as the next person and when in a relationship with an ADDer, sometimes their needs, satisfaction and hopes get lost as we can’t even find our keys. Treating ADHD can make that difference.
• If during love-making you cannot focus on enjoying it and constantly consider what comes next, or your mind drifts here and there, then you could be an ADDer! Seriously, this affects relationships as well and it could be affecting it profoundly! Treatment can help here too.
• If… (go ahead and fill the rest of these in…)

Even if one’s relationship issues are not directly caused by ADHD, we still owe it to ourselves to seek treatment, because, life has so much to offer and we tend to miss out on too much. It’s about quality of life, your quality of life and if you are in a relationship, your partner’s as well.

In any event, please don’t take yourself for granted, because, yes, you do have so much to offer. You really do. Proper professional treatment can help you be more than you ever imagined you could be. I truly believe that. The thing is, now-a-days, insurance, bills and holding down a job seem to be the factors in control and taking the most of our time. Most especially in such times as these, it is important to realize what is of most value to us and make something of what we do have.  

I am not a relationship counselor, therapist or anything of that nature. I write from what I have experienced and have learned, hindsight is 20/20. So, please take my posts as a friend who’s been there and done that, nothing more than that. If I had to boil this post down to one word, I think that word would be: Consideration. That’s all I am saying. Not all relationships are meant to be, but, you know, there are relationships in life you just don’t want to lose! I tend to believe we know when we have that type of relationship…

The sun and the stars above, heaven speaks, remember when those long walks, those late nights, we never wanted them to end, those late night talks that lasted till dawn…

If so, yeah, I thought so, you know, indeed.

If not, then you have some kind of special wonderful to look forward to.

~Bryan

PS: (*My posts on this blog or anywhere should absolutely NOT be used to diagnose or treat anyone, even self. If you suspect ADHD or any condition, please do seek a professional diagnosis and/or professional treatment.)

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True love, with the right person, at the right time, as unpredictable as that may be, can be, and I believe is, the best self-medication the universe has ever created!

The last month or so I have been writing rather frequently about love, relationships and the connection to us ADDers in general, from my point of view. I don’t know exactly why I started this indulgence; therefore, to answer a lot of emails in one post, the answer I come up with, and believe the closest to my true motivation, is that I enjoy it. I take pleasure in writing about love and relationship, probably more than I enjoy writing about anything else. It’s self-indulgence, I know. Forgive me.

It seems though, that many of you have found connections in the posts I write and that means a lot to me.

There is a story about my first love in my first book “One Boy’s Struggle”, the pleasure, the loss and the heartache of that first time, what I learned from it. The story was actually written long before my book. I was compelled to write about it because that relationship had an intense impact on my life and I simply could not stop thinking about it for a long time, there was something about it that was beyond special. Up until that point, it was the very best experience of my life and I never wanted to let it go, ever. It was the first of many goodbyes to come. Of course, I moved on, but even to this day, that relationship, that time in my life, that first goodbye, still holds a very special place in my heart and mind.

I think to some degree writing about that relationship lit my desire to write about other things in my life, my experiences. I have wanted to translate these writing yearnings of mine into a fictional book about love, the heartbreaks, and especially the triumphs, but let me go ahead and put those requests and my desires to rest right now, here, in this post: I am not a very good fictional writer or rather, maybe I simply haven’t found the stimulus to be one… yet?

There, I said it. In spite of this, when I write about relationships, true relationships, which I have experienced, the emotions of them, suddenly I believe I can write, I feel confident about it and that’s when I really, truly, enjoy it.

Making up stories, I simply do not enjoy yet and thus far, I haven’t been able to convince myself to fake it – I have tried. I feel things too intensely, as you may have noticed, and I appreciate reality far more than I do fiction. I tend to think this has something to do with my ADHD mind. I simply can’t lie to it or compel it to enjoy something it knows isn’t what I want to be doing. I think we all can recognize a fake climax from the real thing. Don’t you? Can’t you?

Oh YES!

YES!

I think we can.

This brings me to… goodbye.

Yes, goodbye, farewell, perhaps we’ll see each other around, but you and I both know, it won’t be the same. Don’t we?!

There is something unbearable about goodbye, when a special relationship ends.

I have had relationships that I didn’t walk away from, no, I ran as fast as I could and goodbye wasn’t a task I frowned upon, it was more like good riddance! But, that’s another true to life story, for another post, another time.

It is very painful when someone special, someone who seemed like ‘the one’ says the relationship is over, they don’t want you anymore, please leave. When this comes unexpectedly and, sometimes even expectedly, it is difficult to switch directions or even accept the reality, the finality of it. Suddenly all the things I should have been appreciative of, cared about, acted on, those things suddenly become so clear, as though some sort of fog has been lifted. All those missed signals, messages and insistent hopes the other person had but I had failed to recognize, I want to scream and say I understand, I see everything so clear now, let’s give it another shot!

But, alas…

Too late, is too late. It really is.

That’s often a rule for those of us with ADHD we must come to grips with, there is rarely a do-over, repeat chance, when it’s gone, it is usually gone for good! There is something very important to take in about this outcome, the depression, regret and hurt isn’t always about the lost person we thought we could, should, would and they could, should, would – love. It’s another loss, another missed opportunity, another ding on our list of failures and maybe, just maybe, we know in our heart, even if not in our head, that the relationship would have eventually ended anyway, we know it wasn’t going to last, but to be rejected, to make another mistake, to miss yet more signals – these things trigger our inner angst that we as ADDers live with day in and day out.

5 reasons the ending of a relationship may hurt so much extra for ADDers, but are not directly about the person leaving or that we left:

1. Another loss marker.
2. Another missed opportunity.
3. Another list of regrets to add to an already long list. (The things which were done wrong in that relationship, we all have our private list. I can never tell this person or that person is this or that way – why didn’t I see that coming? Why did I fall for that type of person… again? Etc… etc…)
4. Another reason to chastise ourselves and curse having ADHD.
5. An added testimony to a low self-esteem that has already felt ‘less than’ for long enough.

Make sense? Sound familiar?

Even a relationship which was obviously meaningless and fruitless can suddenly seem like it meant the world because we get confused by these other self-punishing thoughts. Ultimately, whether we end it or the other person ends it, there is a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy that is from a list we started long before that person ever came into our lives. This gives very real meaning to “It’s about me, not you.” Doesn’t it? 

Then again, what if I had been more responsible, more attentive – what if I had recognized the signals, what if I had been appreciative and done everything I could. Given everything I had, I did everything perfectly and, goodbye still came.

Goodbye.

To be alone again.

This should never happen if we do everything right, perfectly, textbook perfection, but you and I know the truth, it does happen.

Sometimes, the wrong person is the wrong person and beating ourselves up for every nuance isn’t going to change that. Sometimes goodbye… is what it is.

Or, maybe it is more.

There is no rule book, no standards of conduct, and no perfect words that can enable a relationship to be what it is not. Sometimes our quest to correct and improve a relationship isn’t going to work. Sometimes it is going to backfire. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, just that sometimes, it is in vain.

Sometimes the best we can hope for is to learn from each relationship and grow a little along the way, so when the right relationship does come, we will be ready for it, but we will never know when we are ready for it, we just are. In this way I share my experiences, my lessons learned, my heartbreaks and my triumphs in love and in hurt, because it seems that so many of us share so much and perhaps, maybe, my sharing a little helps someone else figure out a puzzle or maybe, just that we are not alone.  

5 reasons why goodbye can be the new hello:

1. When a relationship ends for good, the pain will still be there for a while, but time is saved and the world opens with new possibilities, it makes room in our lives for the future right person.
2. Sometimes people are put in our path to teach us valuable lessons and the lessons could mean all the difference with the right person.
3. It’s better to be with someone in love and not someone who just doesn’t want to be alone. You know who I am talking about.
4. It’s not about you, it’s about me. Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes it isn’t. What’s important is that each person can move on and find their true happiness and love wherever that may be.
5. Not everyone is meant to be together. Sometimes people do get together for the wrong reasons. That’s okay, what’s done is done, it is about growing, learning and becoming better for the one you will love and who will love you.

Keep in mind, when it comes to ADHD, it takes a very special type of person to not only love, but to live with and appreciate us and, for us to fully love and appreciate them in return. When we meet this person, many of the things we thought we could never do or would never do, somehow those things seem possible and regardless of explanation, it starts to work or we seek the treatment that will help it work. After all the failures and goodbyes, I never thought I would find that, or be saying that, but I am and I did.

True love, with the right person, at the right time, as unpredictable as that may be, can be, and I believe is, the best self-medication the universe has ever created! Suddenly you just want to get better in ways that never seemed possible before, options open up, we make that appointment, we go there, we do this, and we do that. Love and appreciation is a powerful antidote.

Goodbye is the new hello. Indeed, it can be.

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a lot of goodbyes on our road to bliss, at least it did for me, but… would I be writing this if I had not found that special person? The answer, the obvious answer, the right answer, is:

You know the answer…

Goodbye – till the next post!

~Bryan

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In relationships there’s a lot of give and take. You give some, you take some and you give some more. It’s a simple and necessary principle of reciprocation.

The above sentence could just about start out any relationship book, but it’s not a very good starting point for a book about ADHD, love, relationships and sex – you know, together. ADHD brings something to a relationship which is unpredictable, frustrating and exciting and, even a bit intimidating from time to time.

I think it is a good guess that most people would enjoy stability in their relationship, with someone who is dependable, reliable and in this way somewhat predictable. However, although people with ADHD can be dependable and reliable to a degree, they can hardly be predictable, at least not from month to month and especially not from year to year.

What do I mean?

Our interests are constantly changing. I don’t know about every single person with ADHD, but I can tell you that my favorite color is not always blue and I do not always want to see the same type of movies. As a matter of fact, as time passes, there are movies, stories, places and even things which I have greatly enjoyed in the past, but I don’t want anything to do with those things now.

People with ADHD are constantly in flux, constantly attracted to new things, constantly searching for answers and looking for new experiences. This doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy and appreciate a long term relationship, even marriage, this just means that there are some things about us which will never remain the same.

Yes, I agree, these things I mention could be said of just about anyone with or without ADHD, but let me be clear here, some people, or, even most people, do change their behaviors, likes and dislikes from time to time, but with ADHD, it’s more than that. It’s as though we become different people after a time – some of our tastes, likes and dislikes can change so much that you could probably not buy us the perfect present with up to a year of prior planning. To get the perfect present, you would need to get that present with consideration of the here and now, what’s been mentioned most recently with some regularity? That’s what is more likely to please the ADDer.

For a moment, imagine an ocean’s waves crashing to the shore, if you watch closely enough no two wave’s crash against the shore exactly the same as the one before it, but all the waves come from the exact same ocean. Just as the Moon controls the tides of the oceans of the earth, so does ADHD control the constantly fluctuating behavior of those of us with ADHD.

I have ADHD, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes, well, I don’t. I am sure anyone with an ADHD partner feels more or less the same way.

~Bryan

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Here’s a top ten list I have put together of things to do and NOT do with your ADHD partner:

Do not:

1. Do not play parent (motherly or fatherly)
2. Do not take on the sole responsibility of trying to correct his or her behavior
3. Do not blame every aspect of the relationship which might be damaged on his or her ADHD
4. Do not make statements which are demeaning with the hope that it will spark his or her attention that they must make corrective efforts.
5. Do not say things like: “This is the right way to do this or that.” Or “That’s not the way things should be done.”
6. Do not take his or her hyper focusing on projects or people, places or things personally. Hyper focusing is not about your relationship directly or indirectly, it’s a difficult to control or much less, predict, trait of ADHD.
7. Do not insist that medication is the answer to your relationship issues as a whole. Treatment of ADHD will help, but there are at least two people in every relationship, not one.
8. Do not expect ADHD symptoms to ever completely go away or that you can change someone’s behavior. ADHD symptoms are not bad habits.
9. Do not expect your ADHD partner to say the right things or become interested in subjects being discussed in social gatherings; however, Adult ADDers have spent a life time trying to fit in and often mix into the background without attracting attention.
10. Do not predict what we may do or say in every situation – we are rather impulsive and tend to change as things change around us (more on this in an upcoming post).

Do:

1. Do learn all that you can about ADHD. I sincerely think it is best to learn from those who have ADHD, by reading their personal experiences, successes and also their failures. The very best book on the subject from this perspective is Dr. Hallowell’s book ‘Driven to Distraction’. There are many books out there and online blogs written by people with ADHD, each with their own unique perspective. The best book by someone without ADHD is by Gina Pera, ‘Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.’ She interviews thousands of ADDers in relationships (and out) and yes, consoles us too. Her book is specifically about Adult ADHD and Relationship issues, how it effects relationships and what steps can be taken to improve the relationship from the ADHD perspective and treatment options.
2. Do keep an open mind and realize that you have traveled into a novel experience which you cannot predict or always plan for.
3. Do express your wants, needs and desires by asking specifically for a time and place to discuss and write them down. Keep it pleasant and be sure to explain how your ADHD partner will benefit by taking your needs into account. I know it is difficult to understand why you or anyone would need to clarify such seemingly obvious things, but it helps to understand that communication cues are often missed by ADHD partners without us meaning to miss them, or (oh my, sorry) ignore you. ADDers also perform better from a reward standpoint and yes, even for you.
4. Do expect to find things in strange places. We tend to lose things quite frequently, to include, but not limited to: keys, wallets, letters, cards, utensils, cars and yes, even shoes. I take my shoes off just about anywhere in the house. I tried taking them off at the door for at least two days straight and then without considering it, I gave up on that. Each morning I search for my shoes. Joan usually knows where they are, especially if she tripped over them… hi Joan!
5. Do suggest eating out. Even if you cook, most of us loath nothing more than dishes, so if you like to be helped with the dishes, plan for eating out. Unless, of course, you don’t mind doing the dishes, or letting them sit for days on end. Do invest in plastic, throw away utensils and plates.
6. Do expect changes to just about everything. We rarely do anything the same way twice and a lot of us love to rearrange things in our homes. If you’re in a new relationship and your ADHD friend always seems to be rearranging their apartment furniture or decoration, roll with it, again, this is not a bad habit, it’s a way of life.
7. Do expect delays. When we say about 10ish…. We really mean you should probably give us a call around 9ish to remind us or nudge us along, gently, politely… think rewarding thoughts that you might like to express when you call.
8. Do expect a lot of innovation and creativity. We often come up with new and usually confusing ways of doing things; some can save money, but often cost more money in the long run. I remember purchasing a $2000.00 billiard cue (I had to save quite a while for it). I purchased it for the type of ‘hit’ it gives and performance, not for the art design, so I stripped down the butt end and painted my own design and lacquered it. Yes, that does seem odd, but again, I didn’t buy it for the art design or the mother of pearl, which I destroyed when stripping it… oops. The mother of pearl meant nothing to me, but….. Oh man!
9. Do expect (and I know this isn’t fair) for us to maneuver ourselves out of house chores and somehow leave them for you. This isn’t intentional, I swear it isn’t, it just happens. I personally do not recommend a home with a garden or front yard, it is just not a good idea, trust me on this one. Goats that eat the grass in the backyard? Now we are talking!
10. Do expect our lists of do’s to be rather outlandish, but on the other hand, totally serious! Do expect the unexpected.

So, that’s my do and don’t lists. Would you like to add some suggestions for do and don’t do? Feel free to add yours or comment about mine below.

Have fun!

I am totally serious.

~Bryan

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To be loved.

Can I be loved? Am I lovable?

Have you ever asked those questions of yourself?

Have you ever stayed up nights, wondering why - why can’t I be loved?

ADHD often seems like a bittersweet reality.

Many of us are creative, we are exciting and we can find things to do when the rest of those around us are bored out of their minds and yet, and this is the part that hurts, no matter how exciting we may be, how much we can liven up a boring moment for others, or how creative we may be, we all too often still feel lonely. So lonely, and then it comes, like a shadow from the dark corner, it spreads so slowly, then wraps itself around us, at first it feels warm and comforting, but it is not an afterglow, it is sadness, which after time may become misery.

Our moments of brilliance, those moments when we make the crowd cheer and we raise our hands so high in victory, are so fleeting. Those moments come so fast, usually totally unexpectedly and they disappear even faster. We attract a crowd momentarily, sometimes a bit longer, but soon, too soon, they are gone, the spotlight fades and the next moment, so painful, so desolate, it comes, when we are alone and no one remains.

The darkness of being alone seems so unfair to us; we don’t understand it.

What happened?

Or, simply…

Why?

The tears, they fall and no arms wrap around us.

We are alone, as we always have been, as we always will be.

So it seems.

It is.

For any moments of brilliance, when the light shines so intensely on us, we would give up all of those moments, so we believe, to just have that one person, only one, the one, hopefully who is out there, the one that sees us, really sees us, believes in us, hears us and gets to know us past the shiny surface and the incredibly splendid moments of what at first seems like genius, but suddenly seems more like rapid fire stupidity, but it’s not.

It’s ADHD.

Just that one person who will love us.

And, as the dream goes, which no one else knows, the love of a lifetime waits to be captured in your arms.

But, the question remains – can I be loved?

Can someone truly care for me?

Am I worthy?

Why do I feel as though I am not?

So many of us give up on love, that we can be loved, that someone out there can understand us, appreciate us for who we are, the good, the bad and all that is in between. We give up on it for so many reasons, but mostly, we give up on love because we don’t understand it. Love is about something which is as foreign to us as a strangely named wine from a distant land.

Love is about someone else besides ourself.

Love is about knowing someone. Love is about being somewhere without your special someone and not wanting to see the sights, because, that person you love will not see them with you. Love is about so much more than wanting love. Love is about living. Love is about breathing. Love is about caring for someone else.

Love is about listening to someone, even when they have nothing to say that makes any sense to you. Love is not about fixing someone else’s problems. Love is about caring about someone else’s problems, even if you don’t know what to do about them.

Love is as precious as the world, without it we are empty and wanting, needing and so lonely, so, so lonely.

With ADHD we get so caught up in the dreams of what being in love could be, should be and all those wonderful things that it might be, that we forget the most important aspect of love, and that most important aspect is that love is about someone else, another living breathing person with concerns, with problems, with a life that has been lived that is complex and significant.

That special someone, they may want and need someone who will listen and sympathize, even empathize with their being, too. Someone who will listen to them, fascinated about the experiences they have lived, even if it is only about something seemingly insignificant to the grand scheme of things. What may seem insignificant to us could be everything in the word to someone else.

What I have learned about love and, this lesson has literally changed my life, is that love is not about me. And, for the person in love with me, it is not about her.

It is about us.

Love is about appreciation for self and for someone else; love is about saying a kind word, showing support and letting that person know that even when they fall, you are there, because you truly care.

Love is also about caring about one’s self enough to love someone else.

Not to self deprecate, but rather to self appreciate.

Sometimes, those of us with ADHD, we are caught up in all of our issues, our circumstances and our ways of learning how to live a better life, that we forget, distracted, that the center of the universe of being in love, with all its promised glory, is as separate from ourselves as much as it is a part of ourselves.

It is this awareness and, more importantly, this acceptance, the lack of it, which keeps so many of us in a constant search, never finding, never truly appreciating that love does exist, it is wondrous to be a part of, but, that’s it – to be a part of it, not to be it.

I have found that when I step outside of myself for a moment and take in the needs and the wants of the one I love, something special happens and that special something is not found in any words I may write, that special something is in her twinkling smile when she realizes I get it! The world suddenly bursts into so many colors and then, by recognizing, caring, empathizing and sympathizing, somehow, someway, I suddenly, truly, become the center of the universe – her universe! It is the most precious and wondrous universe of all, which becomes ours, together.

If we appreciate our self enough to be able to care about someone else, in all of their complexities and experiences, then yes, I do believe we can be loved.

Scary – isn’t it?

To open one’s self up.

Yes, true love is risky. Ah, it is not controllable. It has its fair share of anxieties and fearful ventures, but that’s not about love, that’s being afraid of love, true love, commitment and responsibility – of being hurt, perhaps even again. Because, yes, the risks are high, the fears and anxiety are even higher – to be accepted, and so we return:

To be loved.

Can I be loved? Am I lovable?

~Bryan

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Have you ever had relationships, so strong, so powerful, and ever so meaningful, that after that special person, or people, left, parts of yourself left too?

There are times when you can still feel them nearby, as if they are right there – you can almost touch them, but only, only, almost – fleetingly, across the sky, like a shooting star or a floating cloud.

When we are alone, unexpectedly, we may start thinking about them for no reason at all and, we miss them so deeply, so much it hurts ever so painfully, it brings tears to our eyes and we wonder why – ?

Just this topic alone, it brings up their memories so vividly.

Sometimes it can be such happy moments, the sun shining, laughing, playing, running the streets and goofing off, a tender first kiss or a special word of support and, in another moment the memory can switch to something oh so sad, like something said that wasn’t meant to be said, the haste of a moment that came and went in the blink of an eye, but lasts torturously forever more.

There are extraordinarily special people that come along once in a while, they become a part of our lives and then, for whatever reason they move on, some have moved away and some fade away as time passes, and some, some have passed away, but still, a part of them remains within us, always there, always reminding us of who they were and what they meant to us.

I believe that when we have a special connection with someone, we take on certain characteristics and mannerisms, even emotions and feelings, which only exist in whole when with that person.

When that person leaves, so too does a part of who we are.

I have come to believe.

If the person has passed away, that part of us is perhaps gone forever, never to rise again and only in bursts of profound memories can we grasp at it, like grasping at a distant cloud in the sky, unattainable, unreachable, but off in the distance of our memory, it is there, even if just fleetingly. It is in that moment it hits us, our eyes burn for a moment, our muscles weaken and we just miss them ever, ever so much. We feel them with that long lost part of us that somehow left us too, but for a moment we remember.

Have you ever felt that?

Sometimes we forget certain things, especially in short time frames, but many of us are also astonishingly sensitive and, with certain special people, who make us feel deeply, their memories, the things we said to each other, the things we experienced together, those memories never, never, ever die. Sometimes such memories are so vivid and somehow, unusually fantastical and remarkable.

Even though, most of our other memories are like shadows, never fully in view.

Sometimes, memories seem to be gone, but in those ever so special, remarkable moments of what seems like brilliance, triggered by something obvious or unknown, we remember everything, we feel everything and the impact is extraordinarily profound and we realize, so sharply, so suddenly, how much we miss them – how much we miss a part of ourselves.

It’s not fair. The reality, yet it is wondrous, but it hurts so much and yet, I can’t help in these moments to smile a little bit, to have at least had those moments in reality, that I do have them to remember, because they existed in time, in my life, with that person, that special kindred spirit.

Treasure the moments we have with the special people we have now, for one knows not what the future will bring and let us not cry in regret, but rather in joy of what was in the good times and thankful we do have moments of luminous clarity, even if so tender and fleeting.

~Bryan

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Just a fantasy?

Who doesn’t want to fall in love forever? Who doesn’t want to meet that perfect person, that person who makes us feel whole, that person who makes us feel wonderful and beautiful?

Who doesn’t want to meet that person, you know who I am talking about, that person who understands who we are inside, who understands our ways of doing things, who understands the whys, the how’s and the frustrations, the temptations and the never ending contemplations?!

Who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to meet that perfect, accepting person?

Out there, in the word, somewhere, that person is there, looking too, for acceptance, understanding and compassion, sympathy and reliability. We believe that, we have to - if we don’t – what else is there? Nothing else seems to matter, but then…

What is it that we are really looking for?

What is that drive which continues us forth on our never ending search?

Is it love? Really, true love?

Is it?

Or, is it consideration? That would be nice, yes, indeed. Or, is it acceptance? Are we looking for someone who makes us feel alive, gives us a feeling that we are someone of substance, more than just a fanciful delight – more than an amusement? More than just another moment in time?

What is it? What is it that we are looking for?

Quality?

What is quality? We are not to be purchased. There is no price!

 Or, is quality really just another way of describing character? Is it character we are searching for? It could be. Or, maybe, we just want to be held, tightly, fully, for as long as we need to be?

Security?

Ah yes, to feel secure. But, there’s something more, must, just has to be, something, something, so, much, more!

Have you ever felt that you are someone special, someone of substance and character – someone of value to be treasured, respected? Have you ever felt…

Significant?

Ah, yes, indeed, that is the word I was looking for. Significant!

In the heat of passion, in the fever that makes ice melt and rocks burn there’s something more, something which holds everything together, something no monetary value will ever be placed upon, it cannot be purchased. In the night, when the lights have been dimmed and the touch is more important than the sight, we know what we have and we can feel the steam rising all around us like a cloud lifting our spirit to a crescendo.

Ah, but in the morning when the sun rises in the east and our eyes open with anticipation, nobody is there… we are alone.

Why?

Significance is something no one can give us. No, no one can give it to us. No one can make us worthy. No one can make us who we are. No one can make us beautiful, no one can make us smart, no one can make us valuable, no one can make us special. We are who we are.

True love is not a person, it is not a coupling. True love is when we value ourselves, when we find substance from within for who we are without the words of another to measure us. When we feel significant from within, an acceptance for our positives, negatives and all that roams between, the value of self is above reproach and above another’s quantification.

When we are valued from within, passion from another will not trap us. When we feel significant from within, whims from another will not own us. The next whirlwind is not the answer. The next sparkling, ever so shiny smile holds not the treasure of a thousand years which have duly waited for you.

No, truly, my friend, you have significance already. Your quality is beyond measure. You are all that you require to feel whole and complete.

You are significant, because, we are more than the sum of our needs, wantings and yearnings. We are people with heart and soul, with love and grace, with compassion and raison d’être enough for self first.

Love self first and passion cannot rule us from the perch of another’s whim. Then, when love comes, when it delivers itself in a costume of unassuming modesty, without a shiny smile or fanciful chaos, it can only then be appreciated as the brightest and most, utterly priceless shiny of all!

Of course, that’s just me thinking, as I tend to think… my ADDer perspective…

When the rain drops fall, don’t cry – oh no, please don’t. When the clouds form, don’t run for cover – oh, please, the shelter is within, hold me tightly, share the pain. When the sun rises, in our home, beneath our roof, within our shell, is the love of a lifetime waiting to break free!

In the chilled, crisp morning air, as the dawn breaks free, it breathes new life – for you, for me. The love of a lifetime. The treasure of a million years, the belief that there is good, because, there is good, indeed! - Value and respect. YOU! 

The dawn is breaking free, the mask falls away, the rare heart, hidden so long, bleeding no longer, is here to be seen, to be heard, to be held, to be…

L o v e d

~Bryan

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