One of the most familiar things all ADD ADHD relationships seem to have in common is that they most always have a very exciting beginning. Once the initial meeting has happened and two people connect, that’s when it is full speed ahead and it might be months, even years before the two involved catch a breath and actually get to know each other. This might be the most fantastic time in their lives, but it could also be very dangerous.
Why dangerous? You might ask…
Mindless intensity within a whirlwind of emotions, so many things happen so fast and the ‘moment’ seems to last forever. During this everlasting ‘moment’ of drinking each other in, too few rational inner and voiced questions are asked. Who is this person? Where does he or she come from? What type of people does he or she hang around? What views and opinions, considerations and tastes does he or she have?
Is it love or is it unmitigated excitement? Its intoxication and walking a straight line is impossible. Time between dates seems to take forever and the thoughts during the wait is usually about what’s next and reliving the last date without important considerations to what is really going on. Actual time during dates speeds up and questions that were meant to be asked or should have been asked usually get put on hold as things start to move again. Neither person wants to risk losing the moment or having the bubble popped. But the forgotten reality is that it is not a risk to slow down and breathe if the relationship is more than superficial.
It is love at first sight—right? Maybe it is, but usually it is not. The intensity and joy of meeting, going out and it being all about you is really a great feeling, it borders on euphoria! This is deceptive. The grand dream of meeting the knight in shining armor or finding your princess in waiting seems to be real and yet we all know that real, lasting relationships have a whole lot more involved. And yet, why mess with Mother Nature—why not just let the good times roll? Because eventually life sets in and time slows back down and conversations become substantive. A lot of emotions and hope are on the line and what usually happens in addition is that friends and family are left behind, or are the casualties of the blackout such intense and blind relationships have on bystanders.
When the dust settles we start to learn about the other person, their habits, their traits and their opinions and considerations. We all know that when meeting a new person we put on our best hat and act in a manner which is ‘accepted behavior’ and with an ADDer that persona stays alive with both individuals for all the while that the intensity lasts. So, the question will eventually become: Who am I really with? And whether the answer is good or not so good, a lot of time and passion has been invested, consequently if the answers are not what one wants, a breakup is probably not going to happen, at least not in a short period of time. This can lead to that long road of desiring change and attempting to modify someone. That is a crooked, unpleasant road to be on for both involved.
However, if the answer is good or wondrous, then oh my—maybe it was love at first sight?!? Even so, eventually the ADDer traits of boredom and mind wondering will become an issue. The second biggest issue with ADDer relationships is often the complaint that the thrill is gone and the ADD partner is not as involved anymore or the non ADD ADHD partner slows down to a more normalized speed and the ADDer then feels neglected.
The answers and result could also be somewhere in the middle and in the middle could be the most dangerous of all. Do I stay or should I go? That question might last until the grave. I think the middle is where the complaints are more evident from the non ADDer. You know—those complaints about cleaning up, chores, paying bills and being attentive. Yeah, those complaints! The middle is where both feel they have a lot in common and want to keep the initial spark and that initial spark always keeps the pull as a reminder of how great the relationship can be.
And sometimes what you think is bad is actually good. Emotions and too quick ADDer interpretations can be wrong! That’s a danger in early ADDer relationships too. What attracts you at first during the whirlwind later becomes a negative distraction when things have advanced, but the reality is that the initial attraction was your first instinctive reaction and it wasn’t bad, just the interpretation became wrong? Maybe. That’s most important because whatever attracted you at the start, regardless if understood or not, is lost then the relationship will slowly, but surely deteriorate over time.
ADDer relationships are more involved than what meets the eyes and deserve due consideration. I have been in the wrong relationships, the middle relationships and now, finally the good. I have also talked a lot with fellow ADDers about relationships; this is a major topic, so yeah, a lot. I have been fortunate to help a few couples ‘make it’ by writing and talking of my experiences and thoughts. In the next few articles I am going to write about the points I made in today’s article and give you my opinions and solutions. I hope you all are ready to read ‘em and get something out of them, but remember this is only what I think and my ideas are yours to do with what you like, but how you use them, if you use them, is solely your responsibility.
Till the next article, best wishes ~ Bryan
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William posted the following on September 15, 2009 at 8:02 pm.
I think that is true about anybody to be honest. A.D.D is not the common trait of this, but a persons desire to love, and be loved back. When we find a person who strikes our interest, we ride the wave, before ever finding out if we actually like the person. Love is like looking at clouds, because they look like bunnies, until some meterologist points out they are just water vapor…the chick……perception is reality, and if that person is never really proven wrong then it was love at first site, because they will never know the other. Now A.D.D people apparently have low self esteem, and it makes us awkward in social settings so when we find a chick, we might just hang on, and without realizing might run into a chick we didn’t qualify for, but it turns out we did, then yeah we are going to jump ship.
Samantha posted the following on June 8, 2011 at 6:22 am.
Same as that first comment. I think that was a great article, but my a.d.d cut it way short. Great beginning… I think you can benefit from summarizing for us!
Ted posted the following on July 31, 2011 at 1:14 pm.
Not too sure what the point was behind this article. The issues with add and relationships are pretty well documented; initial period of excitement, follow by frustration, let down and separation. What would be more interesting is a blog on how to manage a relationship for the ADDer.
Bryan Hutchinson posted the following on July 31, 2011 at 8:56 pm.
Reading it back now, a few years later, I see what you all mean. Ah well, there’s better posts and maybe I will modify it sometime down the road. I do remember I enjoyed writing it, but sometimes it is better to go back and edit a bit for clarity. Thanks!
I think relationships for people diagnosed with ADHD can be difficult to maintain. Relationships are hard enough to keep stable. When you through in the monkey wrench of ADHD with medicine and other issues, it can add fuel to the fire of difficulties. Especially if you are not already in a stable relationship or marriage. What I would say is any adult with ADHD should work very hard at what helps to alleviate symptoms, if he needs to get prof. support, but work hard at self-help, take up art. Art helps to calm the symptoms of ADHD. Exercise, get out to the park and walk around the lake an hour every day, that type of thing. It calms the mind, and helps you to focus. Develop interests, don’t watch TV, read. Reading helps you focus. Commercial television viewing contributes to ADHD symptoms, even in adults.
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Great Article…. I think… OK, I didnt finish it because of my ADD…
Reply to Tim JonesI think that is true about anybody to be honest. A.D.D is not the common trait of this, but a persons desire to love, and be loved back. When we find a person who strikes our interest, we ride the wave, before ever finding out if we actually like the person. Love is like looking at clouds, because they look like bunnies, until some meterologist points out they are just water vapor…the chick……perception is reality, and if that person is never really proven wrong then it was love at first site, because they will never know the other. Now A.D.D people apparently have low self esteem, and it makes us awkward in social settings so when we find a chick, we might just hang on, and without realizing might run into a chick we didn’t qualify for, but it turns out we did, then yeah we are going to jump ship.
Reply to WilliamSame as that first comment. I think that was a great article, but my a.d.d cut it way short. Great beginning… I think you can benefit from summarizing for us!
Reply to SamanthaNot too sure what the point was behind this article. The issues with add and relationships are pretty well documented; initial period of excitement, follow by frustration, let down and separation. What would be more interesting is a blog on how to manage a relationship for the ADDer.
Ted.
Reply to TedReading it back now, a few years later, I see what you all mean. Ah well, there’s better posts and maybe I will modify it sometime down the road. I do remember I enjoyed writing it, but sometimes it is better to go back and edit a bit for clarity. Thanks!
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonI think relationships for people diagnosed with ADHD can be difficult to maintain. Relationships are hard enough to keep stable. When you through in the monkey wrench of ADHD with medicine and other issues, it can add fuel to the fire of difficulties. Especially if you are not already in a stable relationship or marriage. What I would say is any adult with ADHD should work very hard at what helps to alleviate symptoms, if he needs to get prof. support, but work hard at self-help, take up art. Art helps to calm the symptoms of ADHD. Exercise, get out to the park and walk around the lake an hour every day, that type of thing. It calms the mind, and helps you to focus. Develop interests, don’t watch TV, read. Reading helps you focus. Commercial television viewing contributes to ADHD symptoms, even in adults.
Reply to John Samuels, AYCNP