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I used to consider one of my biggest flaws and worst character traits, or better said – lack thereof, was that I did not have any willpower.
They seemed to possess some secret power that I had somehow missed out on.
I have willpower, but like most people with ADHD I just did not know how to access it and this lead to a certain kind of frustration, which ran painfully deep. It started early, at a very young age. I grew up with a belief that willpower did not exist for me. It was so obvious to me that I lacked something (I didn’t know what it was called way back then) that I could see whatever it was so clearly in others. As a kid I was in awe of classmates who could set their mind to doing an assignment and just do it. They seemed to possess some secret power that I had somehow missed out on. This awareness for what others seemed to have, which I lacked, made me feel terrible as a youth. It was maddening and quite demoralizing to say the least.
The problem was, and is, not that I do not have willpower. It was how I had come to define willpower to myself, that was the problem. Today I understand that I have an abundance of willpower and I have always had it!
This is what popped into my head a few years ago, while I was meditating:
The only way you will take command of your willpower, hold it at your beck and call, is when you truly understand what willpower means to you. You have ADHD and therefore, you feel, you think and you react differently than those who do not have ADHD and, for that reason, I ask you this: Why would you think of willpower in the terms of those who do not have ADHD?
Once I understood and accepted that I think and process information differently, I discovered that I can access willpower, in my very own way, at any time I want.
I think a major problem for many of us with ADHD is when we define ourselves by the way others without ADHD do things. Why do we think of doing something in the way those who do not have ADHD do them?
My way of finding motivation in anything is to first find something about the task, or subject, which interests me and then become inquisitive about whatever it is. Once I become inquisitive I can become extremely motivated. Someone else may find that setting goals helps, or perhaps picturing the outcome - which is one of my personal favorites.
I have learned that it is imperative for me to define willpower in ways my particular mind can relate to and utilize. That is the answer I came up with for myself. After this realization, it made it so much easier to find the right coping skills and various solutions for me. Defining myself by the performance and capabilities of others has always put me at a disadvantage; however, learning to define myself with how I can do things, in ways that work for me, has helped me meet expectations and even exceed them. The great thing about it is that with the further success I have of accomplishing anything, no matter how small, the more assertive and self-confident I become.
Today, I am a very high performer in the things I can do well and I know there is much room for me to continue to improve. Improving myself is something I look forward to everyday… I used to dread it, because I was measuring up to something which was intangible to me.
Now, the caveat, it is beneficial to learn how someone else does something well and, to learn from those who have gone before; however, I must allow myself to modify things to what works for me.
What about you?
~Bryan
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Your an Author, Willpower you have an abundance of.
Reply to C.J. MacKechnieThose of us who have ADD/ADHD are first and foremost people and not less than those who call themselves normal. But, we are taught daily that we have this negative word and that negative word. So we can’t help but becoming those negative words as described. So, because of all of those continuous words of defeat we shall always be something less than normal with our mind altering and addictive medications.
It still baffles me how someone who has an accelerated mind and nearly 40% greater intelligence over the average. Be someone who is less than. Will Power and self discipline is the real keys to finding your level and definition of personal greatness. It won’t be with chemicals.
John
Hi C.J.
Uhm, just a bit confused… I am an author, yes. I am an author with ADHD.
I agree we are not ‘less than’ and really shouldn’t consider ourselves that way. A life time of chastisements and ridicule can indeed lead to low self-esteem, depression and lack of motivation. That is a certainty I am very familiar with, I have many articles here about those very topics, and too many others with ADHD are familiar with it as well – very good points.
Where I am really confused is your statements about chemicals and medication. You didn’t really clarify. Are you talking about them in general? Did you have a bad experience with medication? Not sure if you know this or not, but I do not take medication; however, I do know many who have had success and an improved quality of life when taking the right medication with the right dose. I also know folks who have had not so good results and have given up trying medication. Hopefully, in the near future there will be improved medication which has fewer side effects and better tolerance levels for the majority.
Bryan
Reply to BryanFunny, I was just finishing up a blog on motivation when I saw you tweet this one. Must be on the same wave length today!
Reply to Debbie TollesonHi Brian,
Good piece. I, like so many of us have struggled A LOT with directing this force of will. It’s certainly there, willpower-and yet so hard to set in motion.
I have gotten much better about forcing myself to do boring or distasteful things that just have to be done, especially since I’m a single mom now. There is simply no one else around to ask or leave it to, so that has probably been a lot of motivation.
I do agree that finding SOME aspect of a task that is interesting or positive, even if only how much better I’ll feel once it’s out of the way, is instrumental in getting my feet moving.
Reply to Renee AdamsWhen people with ADD try to meet the demands of society for effectual focus, they must have some control over the type and timing of stimulation to which they are exposed. However, they are also regularly being told to do things in ways that are inappropriate by those who do not understand them. They are learning about their own comfort and how it interferes with or enhances their focus and attention while simultaneously having their natural rhythms invalidated. Over and over they run up against rules they might have missed, expectations they failed to notice, and a rhythm that is different from 90 percent of the people surrounding them. Much insight is required for a person to investigate and understand the self when that same self is repeatedly and incorrectly judged improper. Bryan, I congratulate you for achieving that knowledge.
Reply to The Attention DoctorBryan, I went to work on the weekend and saw your blog. Willpower is such a powerful word that I felt like I had to write something about what it meant to me. And I couldn’t write anything. In fact, I never did get any work done. Willpower is such an issue for me that I couldn’t get past the blog and on to my work. So I went home and took a nap instead. Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD means blaming yourself for not having willpower. Maybe when I really embrace my ADHD, I will be able to do what you did and learn how to make my willpower work for me. Thank you for the food for thought.
Reply to lisaLisa,
Thanks for commenting and letting me know. I have been there and done that. Thinking about it and considering what certain things mean to our selves is the start. Only when we know what certain things mean to us can we then realize what we need help with and what kind of treatments might work. Sometimes we could also use a little help figuring out what something means to our self. Therapy can work wonders in that area. It did for me.
Keep on keeping on! And thanks again for stopping by.
Bryan
Reply to BryanThanks to Bryan and all the other posters.
I am going to really try to find the interesting aspect first in dealing with the mundane tasks of daily life. Once i am curious about something – starting with one simple question – I won’t let it go until I understand it all lol. (Probably why I last night I read, then went jogging at 2AM, read some more, went to the gym at 5AM, then office at 7 AM LOL)
So I do apologize as I am perhaps a bit delerious in this ramble,THIS IS YOUR WARNING TO TURN BACK NOW!!!
After struggling my way through high school and first years of college, I knew it was “now or never”, so I bared down and got my University degree in Finance. This sparked in me my belief that I could do anything, and would I set out to do.
At that point I embraced my ADD, medication, quirks, etc. (“the medication HELPS me focus on what I WANT to do, it doesn’t DO THE WORK FOR ME!!!”). I left my small city in Canada for a bigger city ready to set out to learn, experience life, and excel in anything I was asked to do.
I have obtained my stock brokers , commodities and futures, and options licenses, so I know I am intelligent enough, and capable and willing. I am told by all who know me I am smart, very trustworthy, hard working, and bound for success as I have a way of relating to anyone and anything.
I have obtained my stock brokers , commodities and futures, and options licenses, so I know I am intelligent enough, and capable and willing. I am told by all who know me I am smart, very trustworthy, hard working, and bound for success as I have a way of relating to anyone and anything.
I was on my way down that road, when I ended up having to change jobs due to my company closing. This is where I sit 4 years later. I work for a boss who has no family, no life, but 7 days a week work, is very intelligent, and extremely – like more than anyone I have ever seen – NEGATIVE. The day is spent shouting and whining over trivial expenses amounting to pennies, instead of focusing on the $200M or so that we manage. It distracts me and drains me and has beaten me don to believing all the negative things thrown at me. Also, I am currently in an accounting role dealing with details and pouring over things looking for mistakes (BORING) – and I SUCK at it., instead of being involved with the investment side of things (which I do not miss a decimal point in a sea of thousands of numbers – because I am interested in it). My co-worker and I go above and beyond at work but literally get nothing but criticism, negative feedback, and yelling.
I then carry this guilt home, and get frustrated over my being under paid, “failing to provide more” for my fiance and I, how she is a neat freak (but VERY tolerant)and she MUST get so fed up with my clutter, etc, etc. I end up wishing I could just do things like a “normal” person, effectivly telling myself i am not normal, or enough in the “real world”.
This has led me to become uncomfortably socially, in new situations, or just enjoying life. These things are what my friends and family have known and appreciated me for my whole life.
So as you can see, I am stuck even though i know i am not the person I make myself to be. To change it, i have to (believe/be motivated to) “sell myself”. Every positive thought about myself i have in my head, I just counter it for some reason.
Why don’t I have the will to get up and fix my life?
I am sure many here – as I have done with previous posts here – can relate in some way, as I have been able to do with every previous post. I thank you for your insights, as coming across this topic on this day, seems almost as a gift, or by design.
I’m sure this post has ended up in the wrong forum by now lol.
I am sorry for the length, but I just wanted to throw my situation out there, as no one can possibly understand but those who live the same things I do.
I hope to be able to offer any insight, comfort, advice, or understanding to anyone here who may seek it in the future, and it is so very uplifting to know I actually am not alone in this.
Warmest regards and CONTINUED success in being you!
Steve
Reply to StevenFirst things first, Steve, you need to get some sleep
Indeed, you are not alone. Yeah, the job market is saturated, so it is very difficult to get a job where you excel at your maximum. However, you do have a job, so you’re doing the right thing by doing the best you can in that job. Hang in there!
Bryan
Reply to BryanI am the mother of an as yet no meds (but we are headed there I think) 15 yr old boy. Please tell me the most important thing I can do to help him find his own Willpower. Lives only in the now so little no introspection and learning from the past (even yesterday) Very smart/talented except in anything school related. Flunking totally.
Reply to Lesley