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Adult ADHD can be sexy for many reasons, the list is literally endless, and yet the majority of those reasons are not for good behavior. Being generally bad can be sexy too and if there’s one word that is synonymous with ADHD, whether it is spoken or unspoken that word would be: Bad.
Bad Manners, Bad Behavior, Bad Morals and Bad Person and on and on…
Bad, Selfish, Narcissistic, Ill-mannered, lazy, unmotivated, and Stupid, Idiotic, Procrastinator and the ever popular Crazy are just a few of the names which have become staples in the depository of names for those of us with ADHD. In Adult ADHD can be Sexy I address a few of them and yet it is impossible to address all of them, not to mention exhausting too. In the end, they all mean the same thing.
And, guess what…
Everyone has a touch of ADHD in them.
Who hasn’t been forgetful from time to time, or late for an appointment? Who hasn’t goofed up in class or failed to meet every expectation or standard? Who hasn’t broken a rule or two? Who hasn’t locked their keys in their car? I am sure there are people who haven’t done one or two of these things yet…, but that doesn’t mean they are not capable of such things, of making mistakes. As separate incidents that happen from time to time, but are not part of one’s normal day to day life, those things I mentioned are no big deal and can be laughed off or forgotten rather quickly. That isn’t necessarily so for someone with full blown ADHD, because these things happen over and over again. It’s the continual repetition of common mistakes, errors in judgment, forgetfulness, restlessness in mind or body, or both, and the unnerving inability to hold to or obey set rules and standards – it’s most of these things, but not limited to, which make up ADHD. And contrary to popular myth, it’s not naturally controllable without intervention and it’s most certainly not on purpose behavior. If those things were true, then there wouldn’t be ADHD.
The behaviors of ADHD are often called unacceptable, offensive and shameful. We are told this time and time again. We must correct our behavior, seek help and receive treatment. We are told this too over and over again. And indeed, I sincerely believe life with proper treatment for ADHD is better, but you know, it does get a bit tiresome to constantly read about and hear about what we need to do in order to be better, to help enhance our lives and, in effect, the lives of those around us. Every now and then it would be nice if someone just looked at me (or perhaps you or the one you love) and said, you know what, I like you just the way you are and you don’t have to change a bit for me! Wouldn’t that be nice?
And yet, Adult ADHD can be Sexy!?
However, why not take it even further…
Are ADDers the new Vampires?
You know, the sexy kind of biting lovers!
I read about vampires as today’s latest fashionable romantic fantasy for movies and books. Vampires are seductive, deadly, romantic, charismatic, dangerous, and the ultimate rebels. Are ADDers the new Vampires? Vampires are now sexy, sexier than just about anything! Ah, what a world we live in. Who wants to be compared to blood suckers and soulless creatures? Is this an apt comparison? You be the judge. Personally, I don’t like it, but it does have its allure… The Vampire is today’s Le Roi! And who knows, perhaps today’s Vampire romance stories are really about people with ADHD and those who fall in love with us? Ah, the mystery, the romance, the shiny shine, shine, shine of our natural tendencies, which are not only charming, but unpredictable and can be dangerous, which seems to be all the rage today. Ah, but let’s not forget that in each Vampire story they are also the villain, in constant danger of being found out, they are perpetually hunted for being what they are… ah the shame, the disgrace, the remorse and the sorrow to be forsaken!
Maybe all we really want is love? The elusive, tender and non-judgmental kind of love…
Love is an incredibly amazing and a very powerful phenomenon. In one way or another, everyone is a seeker of love, romance and companionship. Without it, we may feel lonely, lost and eventually forsaken. With the power of love, it matters not how strong or smart we may be. For many of us with ADHD love is a confusing, complex and eternally frustrating, an ever out of reach dream-scape. It’s a fantasy which doesn’t seem to exist and is made up by some odd storyteller that wants us to suffer in shame and remorse, constantly, forevermore. It’s dreadful, until one actually, finally, finds it within their life, or within their grasp, but the inner belief that it is just a fantasy, illusions of grandeur leads us to underestimate it and squander it.
I have put my new book Adult ADHD can be Sexy together because love matters and it matters far more than many of us ever want to admit, not simply to others, but rather, to ourselves. With our eyes always on the horizon we fail time and time again to grasp what is at hand, to see, to feel and to enjoy what could be right there in front of us. We habitually squander love by trying to be what we are not, or by trying to meet the expectations others have of us to be what we are not, to be different. And, maybe it’s something else. People come together for certain reasons and it’s important to discover, admit, accept and appreciate whatever those reasons may be. I sincerely believe when two people value the true reasons they are together, their united relationship philosophy, nothing can stop them, nothing can come between them and they too will discover the good each has to offer the other, or maybe not… oh, and let’s not forget intimacy and letting go…
I am going to take you to places in my new book you may have never gone before…
~Bryan
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Love the new book cover concept!
I like the way your ideas move, in this post and the thrust of this site, past feeling the shame of ADHD to a place of empowerment (the metaphor of vampires, in this instance). You mentioned some of the reasons we feel ashamed and how we sometimes wish we could be accepted and loved just for being who we are. Even talking (or writing) about shame is often considered shameful. It makes people uncomfortable. And our backgrounds are sometimes filled with experiences that have left us feeling ashamed of not just what we’ve done, but of who we ARE. I think it’s important to bring shame into the open and discuss it so that we can move past it, start the healing process, and become “vampires”. Feeling ashamed and ”less than” kept me stuck for a long time. I don’t know if this is true for other ADHDers.
Reply to JacquelynUnfortunately, I think it is all too common. Shame, I think is a natural occurrence in most of us with ADHD, especially those of us diagnosed late. It brings with it a host of ‘less than’ emotions and holds us back at key times just when we think we can and then we don’t. I have a chapter specifically about shame and how I have dealt with it, in love, intimacy and day to day life.
Thanks for your comments, it’s always nice when someone notices the intent of my writing so clearly
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonLove is confusing, when it comes to romantic relationships. It’s easy to say: “I love You”. But It’s hard to truly beleive that I am loved, in that kind of love. How can I realy know?
Of course I love my children,brother,parents,etc….But those are not the same kind of “Loves”. They come naturaly. But to feel loved is very hard for me. It is, as I say, confusing in a romantic relationships….to me.
Reply to Scott Hutson.-= Scott Hutson´s last blog ..Is ADD a gift or not? The proof is "IN THE PUDDING" =-.
Hi Scott,
Exactly, and exactly why I wrote the book
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan, great work on your book cover! I love the words that are a bright blue color with a solid red background! In my opinion, there is a slight comparison between an ADDer & a vampire……The similarity is that the vampire sucks the BLOOD from human beings, whereas the ADDer (unintentionally) sucks the LIFE from others. In defense of the ADDer, we do not mean to cause any physical or emotional harm to others, whereas the vampire does actively seek to cause harm. In my own experience with ADHD, I have come to realize that others consider me a “high maintenance” girly girl! In all respect, I agree that there is nothing conventional, simple or ordinary about myself. Perhaps, this may be looked upon as negative, lazy or rude? I may forget your birthday without meaning to, I may arrive late to social functions, I may interrupt others during conversations and I may impulsively put my foot into my mouth, which is down right HUMILIATING! On the bright side, I have a great sense of humor, I am a caring & giving person, most individuals are very comfortable around me and the one thing that I can guarantee is that there will NEVER be a dull when you are in my company!
In reality, the vampire is destructive, the vampire does not want to be found out and the vampire is the villain. However, this is where I believe there is a huge difference between the vampires and the ADDers. The vampire is intentionally deceptive, sneaky, dangerous & deadly, but the ADDer is innocently losing things, forgetting things, running late & going in circles! The individuals diagnosed with ADD/ADHD do NOT need to feel shameful, disgraceful, forsaken or inferior. For every negative ADDer quality or characteristic, there will always be a positive one! It is truly just a matter of making up your mind to clearly see the wonderful qualities that make you so different and unique. The world is a far more fascinating place with all of the different personalities, various talents, unique idea’s and diversity among us. Truth be told, this world would be quite BORING if none of us ADDers were around to liven things up!
Reply to DanaIn defense of vampires, not all of them choose to suck blood for the sake of causing harm. They do it to stay alive — or undead — as intentionally evil as a mosquito.
I like the idea that ADD has a vampiric quality. I do harm, but it’s not intended. I’m only getting along, doing what my brain tells me to do, filling my stomach.
Of course, there are good vampires, like Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He was inclined to treat humans like sippy cups, but for the sake of his human relationships, he didn’t. Usually. We all have bad days.
As a fan of the show, I think my role model should be a vampire with a soul.
Reply to mark.-= mark´s last blog ..Click on ABOUT =-.
Very, very good points Dana! I can’t help but agree to just about everything you wrote.
However, on the Vampire side, if you pick up any of the latest Vampire Novels, especially by the wonderful and ever splendid Anna Rice – ‘The Vampire Lestat’, of course, is anything but intentionally dangerous. However, he must live by his nature although he fights against it all the while and yet more often than not, he fails. Interestingly, Lestat’s nature to fight against himself and be more and better than what Vampires should be is when he is hunted by his own kind… if you enjoy good fantasy books, of the pop-corn, romance kind, you’ll enjoy the Vampire Lestat!
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan, I missed your comment about Lestat. My apologies for repeating your observation about vampires with a conscience. That’s what I’m aiming for.
Reply to mark.-= mark´s last blog ..Click on ABOUT =-.
Hi Mark, no apologies, please, I appreciate that you got my meaning within this analogy. The older metaphor of being an energy drainer when describing vampires is still strong, but not the one I was intending to write about. I am leaning more towards ‘The Vampire Lestat’, ‘Twilight’ and ‘Underworld’ type, where Vampires have become something more to do with Sex appeal and danger.
Thanks for your observations and input!
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonDude! Spot on! The vampire // ADHD’er connection works in so many ways. You write about things in ways ‘v never seen before! Can’t wait to read this book xx100!
Reply to JacksonI thought about this post the other day(why? I don’t know). But it was a moment of guilt I felt about the way I have ” Sucked the Love” out of some people, and then walked away, without considering the fact that I may have hurt them,and missed the chance of feeling true love.
Only feeding my need for stimulation for those moments. I will never know what damage,if any, I may have done.
Reply to Scott HutsonHi Scott, the important thing is that recognizing the way we behaved and knowing why is the key to unlocking and creating a better future. The past is behind us, we can learn from it and thus become better aware. We might not be able to do everything ‘the right’ way, but any small improvement can have a major effect on our outlook and with each little step, we realize the past isn’t so bad after all if we use the memories to our advantage for the future. That’s what I tend to believe.
~Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThank You Bryan,
Knowing why and finding the key. That’s the way I look at this. And one of the reasons I am here. This will be a good day for me!
Scott
Reply to Scott HutsonWhen I’m on this website I often go back and reread a blog that you’ve written Bryan and I get what your talking about the 2nd time around. I remember reading this post in December and not really getting it; but here it is months later and I get it.
I have to agree with you; why must it be me who has to constantly change? Why can’t anybody else ever acknowledge “You’re ok, I understand your reaction, you’re perfectly fine the way you are”? Its exhausting to try to constantly not get sucked into shameful or disgraceful situations that used to be the way of life. Sometimes it makes me want to take the ‘easy’ way out and succumb to the safety of ignorance inside of the ADD.
Reply to Cookie