|
Most people who see me and are generally around me on a regular day, usually have no idea that I have ADHD (ADD). Or, for that matter, realize I am dealing with anything out of the ordinary. That is, unless they have read about me online, someone told them or read my book, I told them – stuff like that.
It hasn’t always been that way.
A few days ago I was in town and met up with a friend who I had not seen in quite a few years. We used to compete together on the same team, in a pool league, and he was someone I often talked to about my frustrations. He always had kind words and helpful advice. He’s what I would like to call an ‘every-person pick ‘em up when they are down’ kind of guy, which is to say he naturally likes everyone and looks for the best in all of us. Have you ever noticed that some people will criticize, or berate you and then try to give you supposedly helpful advice? He’s not that kind of guy – helpful, sage advice, anytime! Criticism? Not at all.
Anyway, as I was saying, I had not seen him in years, since long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. So we are talking about things, what’s new and how the pool scene as changed etc. Then I tell him about my diagnosis, therapy, book and websites – all of the details. It’s amazing how I can tell him everything without him ever once asking a question. How does he do that? Never mind that, what took me by surprise is what he said following my oration. “I know.” He said. No hint of a smile, frown or judgment whatsoever came from him, just “I know”. Honestly, if I didn’t know him as I do, he may have given me goose bumps. So naturally I start thinking someone told him or he Googled me or something… Nope.
He went on to explain that although he could not pinpoint what my conditions were exactly, he always knew there was something different about me, in the way I acted, presented myself and my general state of (erratic) behavior. Interestingly, he also told me he could sometimes sense a lack of confidence about me and when I did put-on to be confident, it came across as unnatural and distant. It wasn’t critique, purely his observation with no good or bad attached. Although, he did laugh, and admitted that he kind of enjoyed it (my ‘put-on’) when we played league opponents, because they would become uptight and nervous, considering that I usually didn’t make too many mistakes while competing in that state of mind (I was actually hyper-focused).
As we talked more about things, he clarified that now that I have told him my situation with ADHD, therapy etc; it clearly explains things about me and the way I behaved back in the day. He told me that the confidence I have, standing (I was actually sitting) before him didn’t seem unnatural in the least, just someone secure with whom he is and what he is about. Nice! (Did he want me to pay for the drinks? There goes those non-verbal communication skills, acting up again!)
Nowadays, when someone discovers that I have ADHD and ask me “Are you sure you have ADHD?” I smile inwardly and maybe congratulate myself, just a little. Of course, I know I went through over a decade of therapy, divorce and struggled countless years with who I was and why I just couldn’t ‘get it’. And for those reasons, amongst other reasons, I do feel a sense of pride that I have come so far and it is being noticed. Even so, I also understand that most people, unless faced with ADHD in their life directly or indirectly, usually do not know what Adult ADHD looks like.
There continues to be far too many misperceptions about ADHD, especially Adult ADHD, but it is getting better. A friend of mine often points out accurately, that ADDers come in all shapes and sizes! For example, many who are not familiar with ADHD do not realize that overachieving can be a part of Adult ADHD; it is not always the other way around. That’s just an example of how some get by without being discovered, especially if their more obvious traits come across as a benefit and mask anything which is undesirable.
Like so many of us, I still have a long way to go, but if I can get here, I can get anywhere! I also believe that if I can do it, anyone can. It’s work though, let me tell you (that’s the part most people don’t see. You and I know, getting better isn’t magic, it is work, often hard and frustrating work).
 Let’s hang in there! ~Bryan
~~
> If you enjoyed this post, please share it via icons below. Enjoy a free ebook and scroll down to comment too! You may get an error when commenting, but your comment will post.
Have you read 'One Boy's Struggle: A Memoir', yet?
NOW AVAILABLE - get it: Click Here! Free!
|
This is a lovely story–thanks for sharing! Yes, people have so many misperceptions about what ADD is. It’s one of the things that drives me to talk to people and blog about ADD, and it’ll drive me to write more in the future. I’m grateful for your work in this arena, not only helping those of us with ADD support each other, but helping the outside world better understand. Thanks! … I just noticed a quote from you in the sidebar over to the left that I really like, too, under the heading “Everyone?” Great way to put it!
Reply to Kathleen ChristensenI know what you mean. By the time we are adults and know we have ADHD, most of us have learned coping skills to the extent that it isn’t obvious to those who don’t know us well and some who do.
The affirmation and the acknowledgment of how well you are doing now must have made you feel great.
Reply to BarbThanks Kethleen! Funny thing about that quote, I have been saying that for a while now and used first wrote it in a blog post maybe a year ago and just this last week, when someone pointed it out, did I take notice of it myself
Decided to put it there for everyone to read and enjoy.
Hi Barb!
That is so true about the coping skills! And that has a lot to do with what I mean by the ‘hard’ work, it is hard to figure out coping skills that work and then some of work well enough to keep people from guessing about ADHD. Yes, indeed, made me feel great enough to write about it
btw: thank you for your email!
Bryan
Reply to BryanThe really huge thing that people overlook/don’t know about when it comes to ADHD in adults OR in children is the ability to hyperfocus. The first doctor I went to to try and get an assessment told me I couldn’t possibly have ADHD because I could spend hours at a time playing video games or reading novels, or any number of other things. He decided I was depressed and put me on Zoloft. The results of that little adventure belong in another story for another time, but suffice to say it was a disaster.
I think a lot of inattentive types get overlooked because the world expects people with ADHD to be hyperactive little monsters who are incapable of sitting still and focusing on anything for more than five minutes at a time.
Reply to Mel TaylorHi Mel, yep, there are still a lot of myths out there and I think the hyperactive one is the most common.
Bryan
Reply to BryanGreat post Bryan. I really appreciate your personal experiences with hyper-focus. It is amazing how many people misunderstand hyper-focus. There are important benefits to those that can hyper-focus, especially when it comes to completing tasks that might not be one’s favorite.
I am at the beginning of my ADHD coach training and really benefit from such discussions.
Thanks.
Reply to Randi B. LymanI asked a psychiatrist that I have seen on and off for years for my anxiety/depression, whether she thought I might have ADHD….she said she didn’t think so but suggested I contact Canterbury University who were doing research into adult ADHD….and by taking part I would get a diagnosis one way or the other. Most of my friends never picked it up in me either, and are surprised at the diagnosis. I am not surprised! It is such a relief and now everything I have felt/gone through over the years makes sense to me. …and I can be kinder to myself now than I have been in the past. Lack of self esteem has been a huge problem.
Reply to HelenWanted to second Mel’s comment about hyperfocus. A psychologist once said he didn’t think my daughter has ADD. The reason? She can focus so well on reading (she hyperfocuses on it). The psychologist wasn’t a specialist in ADD and wasn’t doing on workup on my daughter but does deal with kid-related issues. This lack of knowledge does a disservice to people with undiagnosed ADD.
Reply to Kathleen ChristensenIndeed, diagnosis can bring a sense of relief and liberation. It explains so much, doesn’t it!?
I think the hyper focus issue is becoming better understood. However, there are too many out there who are still not completely in the know about ADHD symptoms. As you mention Kathleen, it is important to find a doctor / psychologist who specialize in ADD and ADHD. Not everyone knows that before seeking treatment, so we still have work to do on creating better awareness.
Thanks Randi, I have a feeling you’re on your way to becoming a wonderful asset as a coach to the ADHD community
Reply to Bryan