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The key to making people like you is to be open, honest and forthcoming. Improve one’s self, be nice, caring and forgiving.
Seems like solid advice and to a degree I am sure it is correct, it is the code I live by, but the reality is that not everyone is going to like us. No, no matter how lovable and adorable, or perhaps cool we may be. Actually, statistics indicate that some people are in fact predisposed to not like us and if we spend our time trying to make them like us, we may be wasting a lot of our time. As ADDers, we tend to waste too much time already.
On the radio yesterday, I listened to someone give these statistics:
- 25% of people are predisposed to like you
- 25% of people lean towards liking you and could be convinced to like you
- 25% of people are predisposed not to like you, could be convinced, but it would be tentative at best
- 25% of people are predisposed not to like you and regardless of what you try to do, they will never like you (I say beware if they pretend to like you)
I don’t know how factual these statistics are, but let’s say for the sake of this post that they are correct. How much time then, are we wasting trying to make people like us? I am not talking about being professional, courteous and getting along with others. I am talking about spending excess time on people who have shown obvious disfavor, but for some reason or another we spend too much time trying to make them like us, change their mind’s about us or going the extra mile to do something nice for them.
As someone with ADHD I have been particularly stubborn in the past (sometimes still) and since just about everything was challenging for me while growing up, I tended to seek even more challenges through-out my life. I thought that’s the way things were always supposed to be, even if the challenges were not worth the effort – I will go so far as to say especially when they were not worth the effort.
Challenges can be stimulating for those of us with ADHD (too stimulating, at times). Because of my apt behavior to be attracted to challenges, I now understand that I tended to discount people that felt right to me and who seemed to want to get to know me better. Even though certain people felt right, I had this odd belief that easy was somehow wrong. Yes, society and culture play into this type of thinking too. Easy is a seemingly appalling term to label someone with. Now, I don’t think so, I think most of us want to be around someone who is easy going, friendly and likable, but the term easy has gotten a bad rap.
How many of us spend too much time on challenges and ignore the easy going, likable people who just feel right to be around? I do not think we do it intentionally, it could be habitual concerning ADHD and, oddly enough, because there is a stimulation factor we think it is what is supposed to feel right if challenging, more so the better, albeit frustrating, but it may not be right, it may just be the stimulation which is scratching a particular itch.
It would seem, and when I think about it long enough, I realize that there are friends out there who have been left, and are being left, to the way side, because they seem too good to be true, or, are not challenging enough and the reality may be that they are in the upper tier of the people predisposed to like us, and possibly due to innate ADHD traits, we may not have realized that it is okay for certain people to not be so challenging. We could even go much deeper and discuss not letting one’s guard down because we have been hurt, and yet, maybe the above explains partially why we have been hurt?
If the statistics are correct, some of us are wasting a lot of time, but the good news is that the next time someone is open and courteous, we can be more attentive and recognize that not everyone needs to be a challenge to get along with, especially if they are not a challenge.
What do you think?
~Bryan
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Bryan, this post is like the story of my life regarding relationships! I have always been drawn to people with a rather dark bent who are negative, sarcastic, complaining, and ironic. Mellow, nice, happy people have typically gotten on my last nerve because I felt I had to stifle myself to be around them. Being around my husband’s family for the past fifteen years has been virtually unbearable at times because of this very factor, despite the fact that they love me and have never been anything but kind to me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t stand to be around them because they are too happy and positive and NORMAL….. Without existential angst, donning of sackcloth and ashes, and the requisite wailing and gnashing of teeth, I truly have no idea how to bond with others. I have honestly never sought any kind of relationship in my life with anyone ( other than my sweet son) who isn’t on the extreme end of difficult, challenging, and stimulating personalities (reading between the lines “dysfunctional”). Thanks for your post calling this to my attention. As always, this forum is great food for thought and potentially life-changing.
Reply to tereTere, I don’t think you are alone in this. Happy, the go-lucky-type, often seem to unnerve some people and it’s usually because it ‘seems’ fake. How can happiness be a reality when so many suffer and there are so many difficulties in the world? Many of us are attracted to personalities that seem ‘real’, and therefore negative and challenging, but happiness is supposed to be the natural state of the mind. Kind of ironic when we think about it…
Reply to BryanFIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL IS TO L O V E YOURSELF YOU WILL FIND YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND YOU WILL EVER HAVE!!!
Peace
Reply to RonYour timing with this article is almost karmic in nature. I have been struggling in my relationships all my life with this issue of taking on the most complicated people (i.e. dysfunctional). Recently I embarked on a new romantic relationship with a complex and difficult man, yet I’ve found myself electrified and excited by it. The dark side is how it has affected my self-esteem and undermined my entire life. Difficult does not always equal worthwhile. Sometimes I think the wisest choice is knowing when to say no, yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s as if the challenge to pull this man out of his masks and walls was a drug for me. But you’re right! There is no reason relationships with people should be this hard and this painful. Sometimes, it should just come easily and naturally. Pain in the body is a warning that something is wrong; it stands to reason that pain in the heart and soul should mean the same thing.
Reply to EileenThank you for a provocative and profound article.
I agree Eileen, Pain is a warning, when someone constantly puts us on edge and creates constant anxiety within us may also be a warning that it is time to find a new friend and move on. Life is full of challenges and not all of them should we move away from, but there are some ‘we just know’ are bringing more pain than happiness…
Reply to BryanOk… So many thoughts going through my head as we speak that i will do my best to gain control and make the best sense i can… This hits home on sooo- many levels; all though, I hate flashing to the past, I will go and do. As long as i can remember, my job on this place we call earth has been to be a “people-pleaser.” I didn’t know that i had full-blown ADHD until this year at age 38; however, this particular topic has opened my eyes so wide that they can’t be shut at the moment. i have been the one that has been piked on push around, which put me in the wrong group through jr and high school “stoners” or “druggies”. Although i was accepted in this group, those that were “MY friends
” would tease me, push me around, etc.., I’m sure you all get the picture, and some can relate. I had a best friend growing up that was my controlling friend that thought for me… I then got married to a girl that i later divorced that thought for me. Many friends that came into my life that wanted to hang out and get to know me, you know, those easy-going peeps. I would make excuses so that i wouldn’t have to, heave forbid, hang out with somebody who genuinely liked me. I find as well being a people-pleaser, which i think many ADDER are, makes us easily taken in to people, or “friends” that just flat out take advantage our us because we just want to be liked. The truth does hurt, but with therapy, and more therapy… I am SLOWLY finding myself and SLOWLY understanding who i am, and most importantly understanding who I will and am becoming…
Reply to MarkThat sounds GREAT Mark! I am happy to hear that therapy is working for you. This tells me you have found a therapist you feel ‘well’ with. I think therapy is a great alternative and/or addition to treatment. The problem, I think, comes when we don’t ‘connect’ with the therapist… I was diagnosed at 37 btw!
Reply to BryanWhen I reflect on some of the friends I instantly clicked with (male and female) growing up, those easy relationships were with like-thinking others who probably had ADD themselves. Or perhaps they had expansive, creative minds that tolerated (appreciated?) my non-sequential zest for life. My hardest relationships were with black-and-white sequential thinkers who wanted unquestioning agreement and insisted on protocol. This latter group included grade school teachers and a few bosses in my adult life. I noticed the instant dislike response from some people very early on, but I consoled myself as a child that it was ‘ok’ not to try hard to please others (luckily my parents gave me permission for this and also were aware of this reactivity in some adults/classmates). Ironically, one of the people who disliked me the most is a former colleague who is nationally known for work in ADHD (but doesnt have it himself). But he did give me some valuable advice by telling me: “we don’t have to like each other to work together”. This was liberating.
Reply to MT ShepherdessGood point! Some of us feel like we are supposed to like everyone and if we don’t then there is something wrong with us and we have to fix it, we are the problem. Human nature just isn’t that way; however, as you pointed out, we don’t have to like each other to get along and do things together… I like you though
Reply to BryanOh gee…yeah, I might know a little something about this. I always choose the bad boys. The ones that are just compelled to serve you up an extra helping of disapproval. Ouch.
Okay I really wish I hadn’t just written that metaphor because now I can’t stop thinking about “Disapproval Helper”. Just add scrambled disapproval? I’d apologize for that random moment of really stupid humor but this is an ADHD blog and I’m in good, random thought-producing company…
Anyway, there are a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I simply always assume that if something is screwed up, that I must have done something wrong. I am always number one on my blame list…and that’s effed up.
Good post…
Reply to Katy B. "Miss K"Nice timing for this too actually…because there’s this total jerk in my community whose random rudeness to me has been taking up too much of my headspace. There’s literally no reason for him to not like me/nothing I have literally done to provoke this reaction but it doesn’t really matter, he has the right to not like me if he so chooses. So I like the way you presented this…he must be in my 25% of impossible converts, and que sera, sera
Reply to Katy B. "Miss K"“Que sera, sera”
Indeed Katy -indeed! Love your blog by the way, but you know that already!
Reply to BryanI seem to have people in my life who were just drawn to me. And then there are others who just can’t stand me instantly. There are not a lot of these haters, but the ones who seem to have problems with me are people in a position of authority over me….but not all people in a position of athority over me….I wonder if my nonlinear way of thinking confuses them or makes them uneasy….I do care why this happens because these people of athority have made my life difficult….
Reply to Bird