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To be loved.
Can I be loved? Am I lovable?
Have you ever asked those questions of yourself?
Have you ever stayed up nights, wondering why - why can’t I be loved?
ADHD often seems like a bittersweet reality.
Many of us are creative, we are exciting and we can find things to do when the rest of those around us are bored out of their minds and yet, and this is the part that hurts, no matter how exciting we may be, how much we can liven up a boring moment for others, or how creative we may be, we all too often still feel lonely. So lonely, and then it comes, like a shadow from the dark corner, it spreads so slowly, then wraps itself around us, at first it feels warm and comforting, but it is not an afterglow, it is sadness, which after time may become misery.
Our moments of brilliance, those moments when we make the crowd cheer and we raise our hands so high in victory, are so fleeting. Those moments come so fast, usually totally unexpectedly and they disappear even faster. We attract a crowd momentarily, sometimes a bit longer, but soon, too soon, they are gone, the spotlight fades and the next moment, so painful, so desolate, it comes, when we are alone and no one remains.
The darkness of being alone seems so unfair to us; we don’t understand it.
What happened?
Or, simply…
Why?
The tears, they fall and no arms wrap around us.
We are alone, as we always have been, as we always will be.
So it seems.
It is.
For any moments of brilliance, when the light shines so intensely on us, we would give up all of those moments, so we believe, to just have that one person, only one, the one, hopefully who is out there, the one that sees us, really sees us, believes in us, hears us and gets to know us past the shiny surface and the incredibly splendid moments of what at first seems like genius, but suddenly seems more like rapid fire stupidity, but it’s not.
It’s ADHD.
Just that one person who will love us.
And, as the dream goes, which no one else knows, the love of a lifetime waits to be captured in your arms.
But, the question remains – can I be loved?
Can someone truly care for me?
Am I worthy?
Why do I feel as though I am not?
So many of us give up on love, that we can be loved, that someone out there can understand us, appreciate us for who we are, the good, the bad and all that is in between. We give up on it for so many reasons, but mostly, we give up on love because we don’t understand it. Love is about something which is as foreign to us as a strangely named wine from a distant land.
Love is about someone else besides ourself.
Love is about knowing someone. Love is about being somewhere without your special someone and not wanting to see the sights, because, that person you love will not see them with you. Love is about so much more than wanting love. Love is about living. Love is about breathing. Love is about caring for someone else.
Love is about listening to someone, even when they have nothing to say that makes any sense to you. Love is not about fixing someone else’s problems. Love is about caring about someone else’s problems, even if you don’t know what to do about them.
Love is as precious as the world, without it we are empty and wanting, needing and so lonely, so, so lonely.
With ADHD we get so caught up in the dreams of what being in love could be, should be and all those wonderful things that it might be, that we forget the most important aspect of love, and that most important aspect is that love is about someone else, another living breathing person with concerns, with problems, with a life that has been lived that is complex and significant.
That special someone, they may want and need someone who will listen and sympathize, even empathize with their being, too. Someone who will listen to them, fascinated about the experiences they have lived, even if it is only about something seemingly insignificant to the grand scheme of things. What may seem insignificant to us could be everything in the word to someone else.
What I have learned about love and, this lesson has literally changed my life, is that love is not about me. And, for the person in love with me, it is not about her.
It is about us.
Love is about appreciation for self and for someone else; love is about saying a kind word, showing support and letting that person know that even when they fall, you are there, because you truly care.
Love is also about caring about one’s self enough to love someone else.
Not to self deprecate, but rather to self appreciate.
Sometimes, those of us with ADHD, we are caught up in all of our issues, our circumstances and our ways of learning how to live a better life, that we forget, distracted, that the center of the universe of being in love, with all its promised glory, is as separate from ourselves as much as it is a part of ourselves.
It is this awareness and, more importantly, this acceptance, the lack of it, which keeps so many of us in a constant search, never finding, never truly appreciating that love does exist, it is wondrous to be a part of, but, that’s it – to be a part of it, not to be it.
I have found that when I step outside of myself for a moment and take in the needs and the wants of the one I love, something special happens and that special something is not found in any words I may write, that special something is in her twinkling smile when she realizes I get it! The world suddenly bursts into so many colors and then, by recognizing, caring, empathizing and sympathizing, somehow, someway, I suddenly, truly, become the center of the universe – her universe! It is the most precious and wondrous universe of all, which becomes ours, together.
If we appreciate our self enough to be able to care about someone else, in all of their complexities and experiences, then yes, I do believe we can be loved.
Scary – isn’t it?
To open one’s self up.
Yes, true love is risky. Ah, it is not controllable. It has its fair share of anxieties and fearful ventures, but that’s not about love, that’s being afraid of love, true love, commitment and responsibility – of being hurt, perhaps even again. Because, yes, the risks are high, the fears and anxiety are even higher – to be accepted, and so we return:
To be loved.
Can I be loved? Am I lovable?
~Bryan
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I’m fairly ticked at myself right now because I had written a “profound” and probably-too-long comment here, had begun to make myself sick with my own serendipity, was doctoring it up, and –ZAP — LOST IT in cyberspace!! Fortunate for you!!
I’m not a quitter so I’ll try again – this time short and sweet! Great topic – I’ve felt alone, lonesome many times, even when I loved and felt loved. I don’t think any of us can say we are “worthy” of unconditional love but we do want to feel there is someone who would love us no matter what. I sometimes think I seek out the ‘aloneness” because that’s when I’m totally me.
I’ve become fairly adept at self-protection so I can pretty much convince myself that I’m loved. I don’t fret too much about that. It’s loving my own self enough to take care of myself that’s the problem. As you said, Bryan, loving and accepting yourself is necessary in order for us/me to adequately tend to and nurture the other person in the relationship. Sometimes in all of our focus on ourselves we forget that the others in our lives have the same need to feel loved as we do.
There’s no way I can replicate the great story of my 1st marriage that I erased!! – a love that just couldn’t deal with the difficulties, didn’t pass GO, and didn’t collect $200, but rather went directly down the drain, mainly due to a lack in the ability of both persons to communicate the love above the roaring of the anger! COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO LOVING AND BEING LOVED!
Reply to JP (Judy)Oh, darn JP, I know how that is. I try to remember to use WORD to type my comments on blogs or forums first, because, I also have the tendency to lose them. I would have enjoyed reading your story; maybe you will find the time to type it up in the future?
Absolutely, communication is so very important, without it there really isn’t much of a relationship, especially when the passion and spontaneity starts to slow down. If two people don’t know each other or care enough to get to know each other, well, that’s kind of a deal breaker.
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonIn my last relationship, I focused too much on my love for my girlfriend and not enough on her love for me. I think I’m afraid of being loved because it’s a huge responsibility to have someone else be profoundly affected by how I’m doing: it removes my freedom to suffer.
Reply to Ben BaldassareBen, I applaud you, it takes a lot of courage and self awareness to admit that ‘it removes your freedom to suffer’. I think it is rather difficult to explain to others how suffering can become a comfort and way of self castigation as it seems to be a form of self guilt. A lot of us who have lived with ADHD long enough are riddled with guilt for our behaviors and, somehow suffering helps us feel better… it’s rather odd isn’t it and yet, it’s not.
However, with that said, the admittance of this and acceptance of it more than likely will help you move on and its quite true that some of us simply either are not ready, or, do not want to open ourselves up to be loved…
Thanks for your thought provoking comment Ben…
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThanks Bryan,Thanks Judy,
Reply to JanetI very rarely believe I am loved by others. It used to upset me but now …. because I don’t like the usual factless vapid conversations about a topic. I am eager for facts, full of facts, or both. This passion w intelligence attracted men to me, (they’d say they are turned on and fall in love with me because of this) yet once I got in a relationship with them I realized they want me to stop being so passionate about the world. They kept insisting I like or want things I don’t. It is sad to feel loved and yet rejected at the same time. It confirms unacceptability. I love to escape the chaos and thrive in the safe cacoon of intimacy, free and uninhibited safely focused creatively on him . It felt like love, and I felt lovable.Fortunately I have been deeply in love. Even in a strong loving relationship I ignored my other passionate pursuits because of this bliss. But Why?
I believe it all starts with our parents . When a child feels unloved by them, she/he spends the rest of her/his live unconsciously trying to get that feeling somewhere else.
I am working on overcoming the messages from the past about being unlovable. I love my son deeply. He knows to love completely in his life and he knows he is lovable.
Life and Love, so precious
love is love and there is no definition it is and resides in the heart loving others for self satisfaction is of the world and we think we need this as we were raised (trained) to be and do but pure joy happiness and true love is what we are make the choice every second to be IT this is what not only us ADHD’ers we all seek what we already are not of the world but of our being and im not talking about human being, try for a day as you waken first of all look in the mirror and you will see love tell the mirror i love me and then you can experiance true spirtual love there is nothing else in life or whatever the beyound is to you so be love and pass it on with a smile remember you are ALWAYS with you and that means you always have your love with you no matter what circumstance.
peace we are
Reply to ronald sorensonJanet, that’s so important: the acceptance that yes, we can be loved and that we are lovable. It’s hard to believe, especially if the past has seemingly proven to us that falling in love only leads to pain and heartbreak. There is no perfect answer, no step by step plan to find love and be loved, but I do think by coming to terms and recognizing what we indeed think in terms of love and being loved that we can find with us our own answers and from those answers move forward into better, meaningful, engaging relationships.
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonWow,
Reply to Sherrie AnneThanks for taking the time to put that all into words. I have experienced this over and over again, able to see it in hindsight only, and then to feel that this struggle made me appear more self involved than I aspire to be. “Why do I forget in the moment rather than think of others, and ask after them in a timely fashin? Whats wrong with me, thats not who I am…and yet I do it, over and over, is it who I am?? Who am I???”
To hear another put it so eloquently gives me a kinship that helps me to feel “normal” ….Thank You.
I am glad you enjoyed this post Sherrie
You’re welcome
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonSuch balls of wax you insist upon pondering, Bryan.
I just ended a relationship but I will say this one important good thing…this was the first time I was able to have a relationship where I was able to let go of the need for drama. So no matter how it’s ended up, I learned something really valuable, AND was able to successfully release the drama fiend…it was NOT easy, but with practice I learned to say no to it.
As for being lovable…I know that I am lovable. What I do NOT have faith in is my ability to choose good partners. I’m enthusiastic, with lots of ideas and projects and the confidence (and impulse) to try new things. I am always picking partners who let their own insecurities about themselves crap on me. So really…does that mean that I really don’t believe that I am lovable? If I am the common denominator that keeps choosing insecure people who are hurtful to me to partner with, does that say more about them, or about me? Heh. It’s true, I have exceptionally high (often unreasonably high) expectations for myself…so I guess I probably pick these people and then THEY are hard on me, and because what they say matches up the tape I play in my own head, I don’t notice that anything is wrong.
Ouch. In any case…I don’t really trust myself to pick good partners and maybe…and I don’t say this in a mournful or depressed way, maybe that’s just a lesson that I will always struggle with. Who knows.
Man…damn you Bryan, note to self “take this to the therapists office next week” and “spend weekend repeating to self that I AM lovable, I AM”…haha…
Yeah okay…thanks for indulging my therapy moment everyone, I’ll be going now…and don’t abuse yourselves like I abuse myself…YOU are lovable, you ARE…
Reply to Katy B..-= Katy B.´s last blog ..ADHD did NOT end my relationship =-.
Hrmmmm Katy… wax? lol
I enjoy writing about relationships. If you’d like to print this and take it to your therapist that’s just a bonus! No charge
On a more serious note, picking partners isn’t an easy thing and I think depends a lot on what you (or anyone) are attracted to or by. What things or qualities do you look for first? Do you get to know someone for a while or go by appearances only? Don’t look for the correct answer, just THE answer, therein is much information to be ‘waxed’ about and translated. What do YOU want or need in a partner? Appearances are deceiving. I think sometimes we have a subconscious image of who or what type of person we want, but it is based on appearances and surface traits more than substance…. oh, we could certainly go on and on about this part
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan,
As a true romantic, I do believe that love is possible for ADDer’s if they are willing to let go of fear, doubts and negative thinking. In my own opinion, it is far better to love and get hurt, rather than to NEVER experience love in my entire lifetime.
As you mentioned in your post, love is a risk. Some individuals who have been deeply hurt from the brutal end to a relationship may want to protect themselves and not be open to loving another individual, again.
It is understandable, but I personally believe that by saying “No” to love is like refusing to breath fresh air, to see the sunshine or to smell the sweet scent of a bouquet of flowers. How could anyone clearly want to miss out on the intense joy of loving another and being loved by another?
Bryan, you summed up very wonderfully the meaning of love! You wrote, “Love is about living. Love is about breathing. Love is about caring for someone else.
Love is about listening to someone, even when they have nothing to say that makes any sense to you. Love is not about fixing someone else’s problems. Love is about caring about someone else’s problems, even if you don’t know what to do about them.”
The greatest thing about love is that it is much like a gift. Whether you are the one receiving the gift or you are the one giving the gift, once you accept the special gift and unwrap it, you will discover that it brings so much pleasure, reward and joy!
Reply to DanaVery, very nicely put Dana: “In my own opinion, it is far better to love and get hurt, rather than to NEVER experience love in my entire lifetime.”
I have always been very passionate about relationships, often going too deep without the slightest regard for getting my feelings hurt and they have been hurt, damaged, dragged to the very depths of anguish, self inflicted by not being aware of the other’s feelings and where they actually were in the relationship, what they wanted, what they needed. And yet, it is better to have loved deeply, passionately, gotten hurt, than to not have loved at all.
Thx Dana!
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonI wanted to thank you so much for making this blog post. I discovered it through google quite randomly, and I have to say that it was just what I needed to hear. It has touched me immensely.
Reply to Hi thereI do not have ADHD, but I have fallen for a man who does. I feel bizarre to say this openly because I’m a very private individual, but to me, he’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I did not know about his ADHD until very recently; I had already admired him for a year before we were able to become a bit closer, and my opinion of him hasn’t changed. I wish I could openly tell him how amazing, gorgeous, intelligent and wonderful he is without downplaying any words out of fear or pride, and I hope with all my heart that in time I will be able to do that. I’m not someone who simply acquaints themselves with a man and then begins to like them with facility. I’ve met so many men of different backgrounds, intelligence levels and ages – and so many wonderful, smart and compassionate guys, while feeling absolutely nothing for them. I’m also rather static in that my feelings do not change into romantic feelings even if I spend a large amount of time with a person. However, only once every few years, it may be even rarer than that, I encounter someone who moves and amazes me from the first moment we meet, who fires the awesome depths of my imagination, and whose outer and inner qualities make them one of the most beautiful creatures one can set eyes upon. The person I had in mind when I read your blog post does this to me, and in a way no-one has ever touched me before. In many ways, it is insane and silly and just downright absurd, but your description of what one desires are what I feel for him. I’ve been gravely hurt before and my view of love is a very strange mixture of very high idealism and weighty cynicism. For a while I tried to convince myself to let him go completely out of fear…I can’t seem to be able to do that, though.
I’d like to keep making him happy and have him know that to one person, he means more than anyone has ever meant.
Fear is powerful, love is even more so. Sounds to me like you truly care about this person, caring is the cornerstone of love. I enjoyed reading your comment and I know, when the time is right, you will tell him, but I am willing to bet, he already knows
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThank you.
He doesn’t know anything beyond the fact that I like him and enjoy his company, and more than that he lives in the US,which I do not. I don’t have the courage to ask him to visit.
Reply to Hi thereIt was a tough task for him to manage himself in front of his girlfriend. Cool t-shirt, branded jeans and gelled hairs are fine to attract a girl. But what is the next stage? How will you proceed further? Communication and proper presentation skills play a major role to impress a girl.
Reply to Relationship problemsHaving lived with ADHD all of my life, being medicated when I was eight and by ten , I stopped the medication.
After years of turmoil, I am almost 50 years old and know that now, I need the medication.
I started the medication 2 weeks ago, and wow, feeling of normality.
Thank you Bryan for your post, it is so bittersweet. I broke up with my girlfrined a month ago and this post truly brought reality back to me.
I will now live my life to the fullest and wow others, as I do have the knack to solve problems that others are not able to.
This is the start of my second life, the life I want to live, the life I want to be a part of.
Reply to betsy