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ADHD can test your willpower, but ADHD is not a test of your will. ADHD can test your attitude, but ADHD is not based on attitude. ADHD can test your feelings, cause us to feel ‘lesser than’, but ADHD is not based on feelings. ADHD can cause you to blame yourself, but ADHD is not based on who is at fault. ADHD can make you believe you are not trying hard enough, but ADHD is not based on how much you apply yourself.
A lot of us with ADHD start out already at a very young age with big hopes and even bigger dreams. We tend to show so much potential early on, but as the years go by, more often than not, we lose our way. Along our journey, all too common our hopes and our dreams suffer, they get smaller and smaller until they all but vanish, distant and painful memories of what we once, so long ago, thought we wanted. Do you remember? So long ago?
Along the journey many of us do achieve things, sometimes even great things, but they tend to be anticlimactic. We become so numb due to low expectations from disappointments and frequent let downs that we usually can’t find it within ourselves to celebrate the little victories along the way. Even the major victories become something like concession prizes. That word, prize, is somewhat strange and alien to us – it’s something to watch on tv, read about in a book, but to believe we can achieve any is only asking for more broken dreams, if we have any left.
Victory is a confusing thing to many of us, because it can make us mad, angry and throw us further into inner confusion and turmoil. Why were we victorious in this effort when we failed in so many others? When will I be victorious again? How can I maintain and continue when I know the self-sabotage looming before me – so predicable the self-betrayal is, but far from avoidable. How do we explain that to anyone who hasn’t lived it?
Those without ADHD, who cheer, jump and dance to their own victories don’t get it when we do not celebrate. We may seem to them that understand us not, that we are unappreciative and egotistical. Nothing can please that person. But they don’t know, they just don’t know. They don’t know the years of making it through name calling, making it through constant threat and punishment. They don’t know what it is like to be constantly betrayed by their own mind. They don’t know that the fear of failure isn’t a fear per se; it is more a reality of failure in spite of every effort, every desire to do and be better.
When a moment of victory does come, it is not a lack of appreciation or our ego that causes us to not jump with joy; it is the reality of past and future failures which makes us take tentative pause. The price of victory is paved on a road of seemingly trivial struggles most people without ADHD may never fully understand.
 We all have setbacks, even without ADHD, but alas, ADHD can be one unmarvelous merry-go-round of constant and repeated setbacks, one after another, after another and another. Each setback set to the side, alone, may seem trivial to others, but over the years as they accumulate they become a profound compilation, with a strength in numbers that is so formidable that for far too many of us is overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable.
For those of us with ADHD who do find our way to win and find victory, it is not without pain and suffering, and it is not because of anything too special that others can’t do it too. It’s usually with the help of someone who ‘gets it’. It’s with the assistance of guidance, care and in many cases, love. Most of all though, it is something as trivial as taking credit for the things we have accomplished, no matter how small.
- I made it to my dentist appointment on time last week! – I washed the dishes and dried them too! - I took time and lifted the spirits of someone who really needed a positive word of encouragement. -
All that other stuff in-between could make me forget about what I did right and on time, but I can choose which memories are more important to me and those memories build into something resourceful. In therapy I learned how to appreciate the good and make those memories count, and let me tell you, the difference is profound.
Remembering and accounting for the good things doesn’t wash away or get rid of the bad, that’s not what it is about, it’s about balance and taking credit for more than just those things which didn’t work out. The problem is that we are so used to accounting for what doesn’t work, the setbacks, rejections and disappointments, that we can become blind to what we have done well and when that happens there’s not much left to hope for, or to dream about, or to reach for.
It’s not delusional to take credit for making it to an appointment on time or completing an assignment, those things happen too and they are realities that we must take credit for.
The good things must be accounted for and recognized, only when we learn to do that will the world around us start to change, things we didn’t see before will become clear and available. The problem is that we tend to reject anything we do well out of hand, because we are dissatisfied with what we can’t do well, or what setback will come next. It can be vital to find a mentor, a coach or a therapist that ‘get it’ because they will remind us of the good things we have accomplished and encourage us forward.
Thankfully, there are special people that do understand, like you and me, and sometimes when we are lucky enough, we find a friend or a partner who is keen and caring enough to ‘get it’, even if they don’t completely understand or relate, they still ‘get it’.
If you’ve been lucky enough to find someone like that, take a moment to take in that victory! There is no greater pleasure than someone who understands. Let them know how special they are, because if you’ve found someone who ‘gets you’ then obviously they are letting you know how special you are!
~Bryan
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Hi Bryan,the worst part,when you are an old fart like me,is to think of the what might have been? all the wrong decisions I made when I was in my 20′s and the confusion I felt in my 30′s and 40′s
Reply to larry viggoHi Larry, even at my ripe young age
I still sometimes think of what might have been, heck many of those things helped form this blog and my books, as a matter of fact!
Seriously, you’re right, but you’re still going day to day and you’ve made it this far
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonGood post, Byran… it helped me put things back into perspective today. Thank you.
I struggle with my Theory homework, having to repeat the lessons over and over again to “get it”.
Today you have reminded me that it is the teachers I presently have who (although admittedly frustrated at times) have helped me persevere and continue on. My Voice Coach calls me her “special project”- but I’m not offended. Someone has actually risen up to the challenge to teach me over and over again the last lesson (or the one before that) that I’ve seemingly forgotten… again.
Too many times thoughout my life I ‘ve had teachers who didn’t “get it” and simply walked away. My own parents called me lazy and unmotivated, telling me I would amount to nothing.
I struggle on the severe end of the spectrum with ADHD, primarily the inattentive type. Even with medications, although better, I still struggle. I’ve taken a temoprary break from my homework, (which I expect and know will end up incomplete for tomorrow’s lessons)to regroup myself.
Little by little I am making progress, but it is slow… much slower than those of my peers. I’m not sure if I’ll be ready for my entrance exam/audition upcoming this year, despite tripling my classes in the hopes to make my dreams a reality.
Deciding to go through years of lessons, studies and practicing at 37 took years of working through many negative, residual memories and experiences took and takes time. More confident and with much admiration for my mentors, I’ll strive for my long sought after degree.
I struggle, and always will – that’s the reality for many of us. I think to myself all is not lost. If not this year, then there is always the next. I think of the irony that they are anxiously waiting for me to apply as I have much experience within the Social Services sector.
I hold cetificates, awards, completed training and various courses relavent… yet I’m struggling to obtain the necessary prerequisites that would allow me entrance into the program.
The best thing I could have heard from one of my teachers was that he didn’t think I was stupid, but far from it.
I’d written him an e-mail which explained in detail what it felt like to have ADHD, explaining the sometimes painful, confusing and sometimes scary feelings wondering if I’ll ever understand what I wish to learn so badly.
So either I feel like I literally know nothing, am on the verge of “getting it” or I understand it all. My teachers are sometimes in awe when there are classes where it takes me forever to do the simplest of tasks, yet could walk into the next class and complete similiar assignments in record time with no mistakes. Even when I get these breakthoughs, there are then times when I have to start all over because I cannot bring up the information again. And so the process goes.
Not everyone sits on the same continuum within the spectrum. I’ve accepted my ADHD as a part of my neuro-diversity, as I also have other co-morbid disorders which can compound the effects of ADHD itself.
I’ve taken the time to educate others, and let them know that it is not their fault, nor mine. I’m just wired different.
Many marvel at and admire all that I’ve accomplished, but I aspire to do much. Some things as with all people come to me much more naturally, unfortunately my natural abilities are not my passion. How ironic.
I have no intentions of giving up, even though I know it would be so much easier to do so… but I do not wish to live a life of regrets and wonder what could’ve been, “If only…” and so I shall return to my homework, but before that I will read your post just one more time… and I’ll remember to be thankful for those who have within my life taken their time to simply accept, encourage and support me along the way.
Reply to Janice AdamsonJanice, it was an absolute delight to read your words, written with such openness and clarity. I ‘get you’ and I can relate on many levels, especially the lessons learned and yet so quickly forgotten to be relearned yet again. All too often that stops most of us and sometimes when that happens I get this overwhelming feeling that whatever is to be learned just isn’t meant to be. Even so, like you, I continue and fight against the assertion that ‘I can’t', because, as a matter of fact, I will! However, with that said, sometimes it does become overwhelmingly painful and it all just seems like some self-delusion. It’s not, really, we know that, but yet, isn’t it?
Question for you: Have you ever taken an extended break and then come back to whatever you were trying to learn and suddenly realize that you do indeed ‘get it’? That’s happened to me many times. Sometimes I think we have delayed processing.
Thank you for your enlightening comment.
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonJanice, Please find me on facebook as Angie Galphin Avery in GA.
Reply to Angie Galphin AveryHi Bryan!
In response to your question… yes, I do take breaks. Lots of them. Especially when the information load for the task is high. (Aromatherapy (vanilla) has also been of great benefit.) Being mainly the inattentive type, just motivating myself to do the work can be a process, and I become frustrated easily. There are good days and bad days, of course. Some days I’ll “get it” and yet on others I seem to temporarily misplace the information, sometimes just moments later… only to be able to regurgitate it when least anticipated or expected.
What is interesting, though is that with no “filter” on our brain, so to speak we do retain things… actually everything, lol!
I’ve gotten up and done presentations about topics in classes I know I’ve “zoned-out” in. I’ve aced exams, which seem to be much easier than the daunting day-to-day assignments. For myself I know I learn mostly by rote memory, and can recite paragraphs about topics of great interest.
What I am learning now is new material, and inherently disinteresting which makes it hard to stay on-task. However, I realize it is necessary for entrance into the program. I’ve set no time-limits, which lessens the pressure to perform at a rate that is knowingly impossible for me to try to maintain.
Being older and understanding my disorders, (and those of my children’s) has helped me re-think how I approach things. Wanting to work in the Social Services sector with a therapeutic mindset has become my goal. For once I saw how it affected not just myself, but my children I came to understand and appreciate the many benefits of Music Therapy.
When I was younger I often gave up on things that were (seemingly) “too difficult.” This limited my options and stifled aspirations to do and become more.
Over the last few years I diversified myself, even completing an Art Residency last year, enrolled in Music lessons, started learning a third language, involved myself in organizations, applied for and became a Moderator on an Autism site in the UK, as well as an officer in the inner circle of a Fine Arts site.
New and exciting opportunities presented themselves, hence opening up a whole new world for me that I once thought impossible.
I don’t pretend it hasn’t been a painfull process, many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve recently spent five hours re-learning the entire previous lesson, in order to understand the ten-plus pages of homework left I am to complete. I don’t expect to finish it all, but as long as I try my teachers are more than willing to help me work through it.
Success can be measured in a variety of ways. Simply showing up is 80% of any successful endeavour. The rest will come. Time, simply takes time.
Reply to Janice AdamsonJanice, you inspire me! Today I woke up not wanting to study, but after reading your post, I think I can get started. Thank you!
Reply to JacquelynI would love to be friends with Janice Adamson. She sounds like my kind of person. You have my permission to let her know so!
Reply to Angie Galphin AveryYou’re quite welcome, Jaqueline!
There are many days I procrastinate, find it difficult to get started on and maintain focus on homework, paperwork and other tasks.
It’s nice to be in a place where others can understand, help and support one another.
I completed as much homework as I could the other night, and explained to my teacher my frustrations about how I learn and process information when I’d gone to my class with my work incomplete.
I no longer apologize for what I cannot change, but take the time to explain and educate others. I’m also positive she is ADHD, herself… and she’s starting to see the many similarities between us and how we learn (and un-learn.)
At the end of class she told me she would lessen my homework, helped work through the assignments with me and retaught the last two chapters.
I thanked Sarah for her patience and understanding, and told her of times when teachers simply gave up and walked away. Her response…”It is my job to learn how to teach my student with AD/HD, I’m not walking away.”
My other instructor is quite similiar, he’d modified lessons, and went through countless different learning techniques until he figured out what worked for me.
They are my teachers, mentors, and over time also have become my friends. We celebrate the smallest of successes, and I am grateful for their ongoing support. Without them I’m not sure I would’ve strived so hard. So in part for me, and in part for them I will persevere through even the difficult days.
I am thankful, Jaqueline that by sharing my experiences and frustrations I’d made a difference for you in a day in your life. It put a smile upon my face, so thank you for sharing.
Feel free to send me a friend request if you’d like! Angie it is my pleasure getting to know you!
Reply to Janice Adamson