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I found this pic, it may be a little too far off base, but I thought it was funny and relates. It’s all fun and games, until…
Someone recently shared with me an article from the New York Times about the end of having a best friend. My first thought about this was “Are they crazy?” and my final thoughts on this subject are: “Are they absolutely, ridiculously, out of their minds?!?”
I mean c’mon, have we come so far that we are back to burning supposed Witches at the stake? ‘But Jamie doesn’t have a best friend and her older sister does’… And the point is? Jamie will eventually find a best friend and confidant, no reason to try and equalize everything in the world to the point we are just being categorically controlling, manipulating and restrictive to natural growth. Kids can’t even go out to play as we did back in, oh, the 80’s and countless centuries before then. We complain about kids being on their computers too much and yet, one of the main things that keep kids still going outside we want to take away from them too? In the effort to over-protect, we are creating situations far worse. Supreme control is not the answer, history has proved it time and time again.
I fully understand having sympathy for the child who has difficulty making friends and worrying about bad influences. I was one of those lonely kids for a long while, but eventually I found some very special friends, best friends that helped me overcome, and become a better person – the person I am today, as a matter of fact. I wouldn’t be writing this blog today if I had not had my best friends through my life. If you’ve read One Boy’s Struggle you know the vital roles certain special friends had and most importantly, Phil. I can’t imagine a world growing up without their roles in my life. It is just horrifying to imagine such a world and what could’ve been otherwise.
It’s difficult enough for kids in today’s pressure packed, extremely educational strategized world, but are we going too far by taking away the things that provide some kind of semblance of natural growth? Yes, I most certainly think we are. What about you? I fully agree that kids can get into the wrong crowd and some friends are destructive, but that’s what parents are for, to nurture and watch their child grow and help guide, especially when they are misled. Leave the parenting to parents, where it belongs, I say. When schools become substitute parenting centers, this is what happens. While we are at it, why not go back to slapping the hands of left handers for not using their right hand, and how about forcing kids with ADHD just not to have it – you know, they can do it, if they just apply themselves! Okay, I don’t want to get to heated, but these things get me riled up.
Get rid of best friends? Indeed, have they completely and utterly gone out of their minds?!? That’s the answer to a better society? Ha, wait and see, but don’t say I didn’t send out this warning: If this is the direction we go as a society, we are speeding towards something far more dangerous and disastrous than anything we have experienced so far and we’ve been experiencing some bad stuff.
So, how does this relate to ADHD? It doesn’t have to, but since I brought it up: ADHD is already stigmatized and in certain areas over diagnosed, because, kids are in situations that help mimic ADHD symptoms in their behavior. We might as well expect that type of misdiagnosis to be on the rise. At the same time we should also expect the rise of under diagnosis of those who truly have ADHD , but are left behind because sooner or later the line will become so blurred that no one will be able to tell the difference.
~Bryan
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Hi Bryan….once again you found a really interesting article! I hear what you are saying…without my best friends – emphasis on the plural – I would likely not have survived my childhood. I think what the NY times was saying was that focusing on a “single” exclusive best friend could be problematic…better to have several friends. I can see their point…especially if the best friend relationship is “possessive” as they called it. I find that way too many people get “jealous” if their friends spend time with other people. So I hear your points…definitely need really close friends you trust…but also, I believe it’s important to teach kids not to be so exclusive and possessive of friends or people in general.
Reply to Ariane Benefit, ADHD CoachHi Ariane,
I agree with you, but I don’t agree with the article. Few things get me heated, but since you know my story, you also know why this gets me heated. I read the article several times and although I agree that becoming possessive of anyone is not healthy, that’s not really a ‘best friend’ problem, it’s something else more profound. By taking away the chemistry ‘two people’ (not singular) find between each other that to me is unhealthy. Yes, they might argue and fight and eventually go separate ways, but that’s part of learning too. I simply want to point out that there is a line that is being crossed here that isn’t healthy. Later in life kids will become adults and have relationships with certain people and if they have never experienced ‘best friends’ or at least a ‘close’ friend, then they won’t understand or be as well able to cope with situations that arise in such friendships in adulthood. But still, the argument against the best friend relationship came across as a witch hunt to me, but that might only be my interpretation.
Anyhow, I like the simple counter at the end of the article by Dr. Thompson:
“No one can teach you what a great friend is, what a fair-weather friend is, what a treacherous and betraying friend is except to have a great friend, a fair-weather friend or a treacherous and betraying friend,” said Michael Thompson, a psychologist who is an author of the book “Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children.”
“When a teacher is trying to tone down a best-friend culture, I would like to know why,” Dr. Thompson said. “Is it causing misery for the class? Or is there one girl who does have friends but just can’t bear the thought that she doesn’t have as good a best friend as another? That to me is normal social pain. If you’re mucking around too much in the lives of kids who are just experiencing normal social pain, you shouldn’t be.” — Exactly, well said Dr. Thompson!
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonWell Bryan I’m glad you took the stand you did because the author of the article is either stupid and a controlling malcontent who maybe was short on social skills or a very clever dissembler. Now wouldn’t it be just interesting if students now were admonished they should shun having close friends. Maybe you could even justify some rationale. Let’s see. Maybe you could be afraid of having any close friends if you knew you were going to be turned in for some infraction of. Hey, I remember in stories like 1984 maybe Farenheit 451 or Brave New World we had to be vigilant about not revealing your true self. Remember the movie Equilibrium. There were penalties for not following “state instructions”. But wait; there’s more!!! Isn’t that what they did in NG. Also, I think you could turn in your non-loyal neighbors to the state. Thank you chairman MAO. You too, Stalin. Oh, oh. Are these signs of things to come? NAH, how could that be? When elements in the current political scene says we have level the world so we can all be “equal.” But to get people, or force people to go along with such a silly agenda you’ll have to isolate them into forced cooperation. Then make them fear each other to try to prevent resistence. Of course, wild ideas like this are simply paranoia on my part.
But…. the ADHD person person’s true character comes in here. In the event of situations where it is necessary to exercise valor and truth it is the ADHD/ADD person who stands boldly and fearlessly to confront unjust forces. (i.e. we say “B*llsh*t” when it’s necessary.) That, Bryan, is where we outshine all others. We take risks while many others play it safe. We are the warriors. Without us, justice will fall to anarchy. Of course we’ll be the first target. But I do believe we also stir others to find courage. Like General Custer whose cavalry held back Jeb Stuart at the July 3rd 1863 Battle of Gettysburg. He was last in his class at West Point . I think he was one of us. (Even if our homes/offices/personal papers/inome tax records are all disasters we are still needed.)
The world is filled with monuments to the energetic, creative, daring individals most of whom probably had a touch of this “gift.” Give yourself a pat on the back folks. When the chips are down, we are the leaders and super-heroes that save the world!
Reply to Andrea NestorYou know Brian, this policy seems insane- if you assume that it is not deliberate. Have a look at “The Underground History of American Education, by John Taylor Gatto.
(At http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/underground/index.htm)
What we are really seeing here is deliberate policy aimed to disrupt human allegiances to friends and to family, and to put all allegiance in the state.
As an Australian, I see only too clearly how efficiently controlled the American people are. The American people seem as deeply programmed as the North Koreans, to be perfectly honest.
There is a reason we ADDers have such a dislike of the education system- it is deliberately boring, and stunts our development rather than advances us. It happens this way, because this system gives the greatest profit and control, to those who are already the richest, and are in control in our society.
The real way to deal with our ADD is to see ourselves for what we are. The world is like “The Matrix” and just like Neo- we are the ones who sleep the lightest.
I hate to get political- but that is what it takes to break the crust- and expose the truth. ADHD people are lovers of truth and logic. We only get dysfunctional when we allow ourselves to be dominated by people who are deceiving us.
Reply to Andrew KinsellaAndrea & Andrew, it’s interesting how this idea of taking away one’s best friend draws up fears of such extremes becoming the way of our society, but what’s more important and maybe, Andrea, you can help me with this… where’d I put my cape?
Seriously, there comes a point in the school system where control to protect crosses a line and does draw extreme resemblances. However, on the side of schools there’s just too much lack of control, but not for lack of rules, standards and regulations. It’s because there is a general lack of empathy amongst the students, because there are simply too many in several of the schools for them to develop any loyal friends and learn how to treat each other with respect and courtesy – but let’s not forget now-a-days both parents are typically out working and the schools have become partial parental substitutes and they sometimes actually portray that role.
I don’t know about going so far as saying we are controlled as North Korea, I find that toooo extreme, but I get your idea and having lived abroad (in Europe) myself, it’s easy to see why you would think that. In most of Europe crime is something you don’t experience too much of and there are days when I don’t see a local cop anywhere around, sometimes I’ve gone a week without seeing one. Rules are rather laid back and folks generally get along. I think what is very interesting considering somewhere like Germany, they rate rather well compared to the states academically, but kids go to school at 8am and are let out at… drum roll… 1pm. I think that’s also why such diagnosis of ADHD is lesser over there and typically ‘right on target’, rather than over diagnosis of people caught up in situations that draw out such behaviors that mimic ADHD.
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonTeacher’s mucking around in kids personal lives….Is exactly what I see, and I agree with Dr. Thompson.
The “best friend” I have really ever had is gone. But I had him. The first time we met, we had a fist fight. But we became the closest friends that I have ever known to exist.
We were lucky to be allowed to become friends by not having teachers/parents seeing the fight and assuming we would could not. I was judged way too much by these ppl who thought they knew what I was not.
Reply to Scott HutsonOh my Scott! Great Scott!! lol
You must not have read my book One Boy’s Struggle yet, so I am not going to tell you exactly why, but trust me when I tell you that when you read my book that you are going to laugh and cry and perhaps, even flip out when you read how I met my very best friend ever!!! Got read it now
Trust me, your going to be amazed! wow
Bryan
Reply to Bryan Hutchinson